• Published 12th Sep 2019
  • 2,289 Views, 32 Comments

Comedic Burst of Funniness - Lunatic God



Sometimes time travel is possible. Sometimes it goes wrong. Sometimes a futuristic soldier goes on a killing spree to reach the time machine to get back home, and begins an era of video game characters finding their way to Equestria. It happens.

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Non Operational Perfected Endearment dotting Average Valid Indetermination

Non Operational Perfected Endearment dotting Average Valid Indetermination
-Nope.avi
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“He was mah friend couple years back,” He took a swig from his beer. “But I haven’t seen hide nor hair of ‘em since the fires.” He said, placing the beer down on the crystal table with a clink. “‘Sides, Ah can’t tell you nuthin’ as per my contract.”

“Contract? With who?” Twilight asked, confused as to why he would be under any contract, especially this long.

“Reliable Excavation Demolition, ma’am. It’s a lifetime contract.” He said.

“Your acronym is RED, correct? Because I've also seen a business named ‘Red Bread’ around a few times.” She asked, noting the suspicion of a lifetime contract for a miners association.

“If it wasn’t too obvious.” He said, gesturing to the red collared shirt under his overalls.

“Now, back to Cackle crackle.” The engineer said, leaning forward in his chair.

“It all started a few months before we stopped seein’ each other…”


Da. Da. Da-daaaaaa.


-----
Part 1 - Meet the Engineer
-----


Two Years, Five Months Prior
Appaloosa

“Pyro...” Engineer said, checking over his math one last time before giving him the command. “Light it.”

“Mm-hmm!” Pyro mumbled under his black gas mask. He turned from his buddy towards the dynamite about fifty feet away. He excitedly trotted over. He sat on his rump and giggled playfully as he clapped his hooves together, producing a match from nowhere. He struck the match against a stray rock he had placed the dynamite beside, igniting the red tip in a burst of orange flames. He slowly moved the match closer and closer, pausing right before lighting the fuse. After a moment of hesitation to make sure he could escape, he quickly lit the dynamite, dropping the match immediately and bounding away like a deer back to his best friend before it blew.

As soon as he reached the engineer and turned back around, the dynamite blew, creating a chain reaction of explosions lined around the bottom of the massive barrier created by extreme rains, which caused a landslide from the plateau. His eyes widened as he saw what was near the end of the chain of dynamite.

“Murr!” Pyro exclaimed, darting off to move the pile of explosives he had forgotten to move in his haste to witness the great flames that would certainly be created from the explosions. He dashed up beside the pile from all the excess explosives, which he had suggested that were rejected by his best buddy in fear of blowing pieces into town, and reared up, attempting to push away the dynamite by pure force. After it didn’t budge, he tried with his forelegs, which didn’t work either.

He yelped in surprise as he was pulled away by his tail, struggling to go back to moving the explosives.

“Let the thronger fellath deal wit thith.” His buddy said from behind him, ultimately ending any struggle as the townspeople ran up and effortlessly pushed away the pile with their combined strength.

His slightly-less-than-best-but-still-best friend finally let go of his tail, allowing Pyro’s rump to thump onto the ground as his ears flattened against his head.

“Look at me, pardner.” The engineer said. Pyro reluctantly turned to him with a downcast expression.

“Ah said at me.” Pyro looked up at his disapproving face, his stomach twisting with guilt.

“Get yer head in the game, pardner. Ya coulda did some major damage to the town.” He said, gesturing to the town.

“Don’t worry, friend. You’ll get better.” He assured his friend, reaching out a gloved appendage to pat him on the shoulder.

“But until then, ah’ve been ordered ta revoke your rights ta access your ‘tools’ for a week.”

Pyro’s ears perked up as he stared at the engineer in disbelief.

“Mmph mrr!” Pyro exclaimed.

Sympathy revealed itself on the engie’s face. “Ah know, ah know, but it’s for tha best. Can’t be havin’ ya makin’ any more problems, ya hear?” He said.

Pyro sighed and nodded, returning his gaze to the ground and his ears flat on his head once again.

“That’s what ah thought. Now let’s git goin’ before the others miss us.” The earth pony gave him one final pat before walking off to retrieve his trusty wrench. Pyro trudged to grab his gear.

“Ah’ll get tha gear!” The engineer yelled over his shoulder, denying Pyro’s final moments with his toys before what would be the longest week of his life.


“After I took away his toys, he hadn’t been to trustin’ of me on our next jobs, need’n ta look over ma notes himself, not understand any of it, then give it back with a nod.” He tapped his gloved right hoof on the table a few times. “He even stopped trustin’ me usin’ ma robotic hoof to help out around the compound.” He took his glove off for a moment to show her the appendage before replacing it.

“Why is he so attached to his ‘toys’?” Twilight asked, having gone through multiple notepads furiously writing down his story as fast as he told it.

“I hope you don’t mind another story.” He said.

“Not at all!” Twilight excitedly replied, her quill poised over another page.


-----
Part 2 - Distrust
-----


“Spah, sap this son of a gun.” The engineer said, having given up on deactivating the Canterlot fusebox himself.

“Gladly.” He said in his Prench accent. He held a device in his left wing, which fit perfectly in his finely tailored red suit. It was a grey rectangle with a similarly grey handle. It read ‘Electro-Sapper’ along the top. On its left, it had two small switches, the left flipped down and the right in the middle, along with a large grey button below them. The left side of the device showed a gauge, which he had no idea of its use. Finally, a short yellow wire extended on the right side of the top part of the device.

He carefully attached the wire to the red wires in the fusebox. Quickly, the electronics began fizzing and popping as electricity began arcing between the sapper and the fuses. After a moment, he severed the connection by yanking the device away, preventing it from destroying the newly installed box.

“Thanks, pardner.” The engineer said, returning to his work of safely removing and replacing the faulty wires from the tech ponies that had butchered his recipe for success.

“Mm mmr!” Pyro said, shoving aside the engineer after using the spy to do his work for him.

“Pyro, what are ya- oh!” Engineer cut himself off with a gasp of disbelief as Pyro stepped back and aimed his flame thrower at the box.

“Pyro, what are you-” Spy was interrupted by a torrent of flames bursting from the weapon, covering the fusebox in flames.

“Pyro!” The engineer exclaimed, tackling the pyromaniac to the ground. Spy darted into the sky with an exclamation of surprise, barely avoiding the fire that grazed his hoof.

“You got… fire on my suit.” Spy remarked, shaking his hoof to lessen the pain as he watched the pair roll on the ground in disinterest. He lowered himself back to the ground as he whipped a cigarette out of his saddlebag with a wing, putting it into his mouth as he grabbed the lighter off a passing pyromaniac and lighting it. Unfortunately, he had to dodge another torrent of flames from accidentally grabbing his flamethrower.

“Merde.” Spy cursed to himself, replacing the flamethrower on the pyromaniac as he did another pass. They look so similar.

“Give. Me. The flamethrower!” The Engineer exclaimed, pulling at the flamethrower. His strength compared to earth ponies was rivaled only by Applejack, but compared to magic, he could barely survive it. Pyro gave a strong yank, pulling the flamethrower out of his hooves and sending him into the ground with a grunt from both of them. Pyro’s mind filled with triumph for a nanosecond before momentum caught up with him and sent him barreling past spy. Pyro grunted in anger at the floating weapon. The engineer had gotten up and was also looking at it.

“Oh no, ya don’t!” The engineer exclaimed, leaping for the gun.

“Mmph!” Pyro explained, also leaping for it.

*Whap* *Thunk*

“Dummkopfs.” Spy stated, stealing a line from their medic as he took a puff from his cigarette, watching over the two dummies he knocked out to get the mission over with.

“What’s all the commotion?” Princess Celestia asked, landing beside the spy.

“Two children whining over their toys.” Spy replied, holding his cigarette in front of his red balaclava.


-----
Part 3 - Decisions, decisions
-----


“Who’s this Spy fellow?” Twilight asked, the pile of filled notepads behind her having grown.

“I'm not inclined to tell ya, missy.” He responded, sipping from his beer.

“Okay. What about… Your job?" She asked.

“I already said, it's-”

“I've done my research. I know about Redmond Mann’s and Blutarch Mann’s feud. Just tell me and we’ll resolve this as fast as you let us.” She interrupted, adopting a hardened face.

The engineer was taken aback by this, his beer resting on his lips as they stared at each other.

*thunk*

Their attention snapped to the door, the engineer's eyes widening slightly as his beer lowered to the table.

*thunk* *click*

“Pyro? Ya here, buddy?" He called, placing his beer on the table.

*whoosh* *scream*

Immediately, he dashed out of his chair. He threw open the door and ran out, Twilight following close behind with a slightly scared expression.


“Pyro!"

Author's Note:

And you best hope...

Not pointed at you.