• Published 12th Sep 2019
  • 2,289 Views, 32 Comments

Comedic Burst of Funniness - Lunatic God



Sometimes time travel is possible. Sometimes it goes wrong. Sometimes a futuristic soldier goes on a killing spree to reach the time machine to get back home, and begins an era of video game characters finding their way to Equestria. It happens.

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Christmas Get Together

Noir had heard Princess Cadence talk about a yearly meetup. For security reasons, she told me that a group of different characters will meet her in a specific place and that she wanted to take him, his human friends, Flurry Heart, and Shining Armor to meet them. She said Pinkie will be there too, but only because she’s planning a party for about sixteen people, most of which being human and five of said humans were literal gods from different universes, so she said it would make sense for the universe hopping gods to meet the time travelers.

She also said our full arsenal was allowed. Noir questioned her as to why, to which she said it wouldn’t make sense to approach the merry band of immortal beings with nothing less than his full power, as apparently, two of them have easily accessible pocket dimensions, and one will arrive in a war vehicle capable of quelling thousand strong armies and vehicles similar to it. Plus, two others constantly argued about religion, so having a weapon would repel their hate speech to a weaponless guard.

One doesn’t speak at all, except for a low eternal mumble, so at least he didn’t have to try talking to her. She even said that one of them will be arriving in an old age human AA tank, while another transports them through space in his massive remote-controlled fleet. One thing kept him on edge, however: out of the five gods, three were only considered gods due to their pocket dimensions and immortal status, and one because of ability that she never wants to witness. The one who put him on edge was the one who openly flaunted his power. The one who called himself Lunatic.

He was slightly reluctant to allow Flurry Heart to meet them, but she told him that they were all friendly, since they all understood the importance of Christmas, and especially to a royal child of an empire literally run on friendship. He elected to hold Flurry Heart, both to allow her to be at eye level of half of them and to calm his nerves about her safety. He was even prepared to sacrifice himself to save her, which Cadence thought was a bit too extreme.

Trust.” She had said, the single word penetrating his frayed nerves. “That’s why they don’t attack immediately upon arrival. They trust us, and we trust them.” She softly spoke to him, suppressing his overbearing emotions and letting the singular word bounce around in his organized mind, filling his mind and breaking his mental barrier, to which his body responded in earnest by freezing his muscles in a standing position to force him to reflect upon past experiences of trust and fully understand the importance of his first contact with these deities.

That’s what was happening right now, as an old human soldier stared into his eyes in concern.

“Is he okay?” Warpig asked, waving a hand in front of the other soldiers face, before lowering it after realizing he couldn’t see the eyes under the visor.

“Is he okay?” He asked again, quieter this time as he looked at the filly who was being held in Noir’s grasp.

The filly responded with a bah, rolling onto her stomach and pushing herself up on his hands and turning towards the human, looking up at his head from her position at his chest. She reared up and held herself steady on his shoulders, blocking the view from within the visor as she looked into the dark interior with concern clear on her developing features.

“Bah?” She said, attempting to shake the man out of his stupor with pure cuteness.

“Bah!” She said, tapping the tinted visor with a hoof, similar to when they first met.

For a moment, he remained perfectly still. Then, little by little, his body began to lean backward, before gravity made itself known and brung him crashing down, the filly splayed on his chest and held in place by his hands, which now held her close to his chest to keep her safe as he fell.

She giggled as he lifted her up, straightening his arms as she squirmed playfully in his grasp. Warpig looked down at them with a dumb smile on his face.

“Awww…”

Slowly, Noir stood up, holding Flurry close to him by her stomach as he scratched between her ears with his left hand, following her head down as she lowered it to rest on his arm, releasing control of said ears as they slowly lowered to rest against her head while she relaxed, her eyes closed to block any exterior distractions so she may enjoy as much of his touch as possible as a small vibration that he couldn’t feel under his armor accompanied a low purring noise.

He glanced over at the Celestia sized pony, who’s ears noticeably perked up under the hood of her entire body cloak as she listened to the small filly purr, watching the relaxed filly with interest. He chuckled, which gained the mumbling pony’s attention as she looked up at him.

He looked into her pure white colored eyes for a moment before speaking. “You want some of me, dontcha, miss spooky?” Noir joked, watching the mare’s ears involuntarily flatten on her head as she avoided eye contact, looking at the filly again.

Two other figures to her left roared in laughter, their half-as-tall-as-Warpig bodies rolling on the floor as their M60E4’s laid next to them on the ground. The Celestial body looked to the opposite side, her hood slightly pulled away from her muzzle, revealing a dark grey muzzle sewn shut with thick black thread shaped into X’s.

As this happened, a human clad in a classic astronaut spacesuit, although much smaller and colored jet black, approached him, extending a hand from behind his back for a shake. “I’m sorry about those two. My name is PigglesWorth.” They stood awkwardly for a moment before PigglesWorth glanced at the figure he held.

“Oh, right.” He said, retracting his hand. “Anyway, I should get introductions out of the way. If your friends would kindly join us?” He asked, taking a step back to see all three of them once they arrived.

“Boss, Proxy, PigglesWorth want to greet us together,” Noir told them over the mic, switching the others to exterior speakers so PigglesWorth could hear their response.

“Copy. Hold that filly tight, we’re coming in hot.” Noir’s petting hand lowered to hold Flurry’s body closer, to which Flurry audibly opposed. Not long after, he heard gunshots and explosions approaching them, turning to the door. He stepped to the side, motioning for everybody else to clear the front of the door in the large log cabin.

As soon as Celestial stepped to the side, an explosion shook the building, gunshots and death wails filling the air. Noir covered the shaking filly’s ears, still staring at the door. Eventually, after one last massive explosion that knocked some dishes off the counter in the kitchen that shattered on the floor, all the noises stopped.

The door swung open, letting in Marine, followed by Proxy, who shut the door with her foot as she slid her reloading railgun onto her back, Marine doing the same with his assault rifle.

“Sorry, we’re late. Got a little caught up.” Marine said, scanning the room filled with many different bodies, along with two terrified ponies who shook to the core, and a slightly shivering filly, who was shielded from the noises under Noir’s armored gloves, which soon found themselves petting her again, which ceased her shivering and returned her to her previous position, purring under his touch.

“I apologize for any grief I may have caused you, Princess Cadenza,” Marine said, bowing to the princess.

“It’s… it’s fine. Celestia told me how… scary you were, I just wasn’t sure how scary.” She admitted.

Shining looked at the human appreciatively. “Just give us a minute.” He told Marine.

Marine nodded and turned back to the band of merry gods and mortals alike.

“So,” Marine announced, clapping his hands together with a metallic clang, which slightly startled him as he was used to a normal clap. “Shall we get started?”


“So he says to me, he says…” Marine paused, holding a wine bottle in his hand as his grizzly features smiled drunkenly. He had a surprisingly clean-shaven face, as he rarely takes off his helmet. He had a tanned complexion along with Ruby red eyes, both of which were half-lidded as his bob cut stayed completely still on his head.

“Throw the cheese!” He exclaimed, mimicking throwing a block of cheese by throwing his helmet across the room as he burst into hearty laughter, the two M60E4 wielding soldiers joining in his drunken laughter.

Meanwhile, Proxy stood in the wide door frame leading into the kitchen, leaning on it with her arms crossed as she stared at her boss’s face, as this was her first time seeing it too. She also had to dodge his helmet, but that’s irrelevant.

“He’s purty, huh?” The Lone Wanderer slurred, leaning against her as she held a bottle of Bud Light, staring starry-eyed at the futuristic soldier, the Christmas Carols drifting into Proxy’s ears as she tried to ignore the drunk women. Unfortunately, she spoke louder than the nearly silent accursed music.

“You could say that.” Proxy replied.

“Yet you’ve never even tried to hit it.” The Wanderer deducted. Proxy said nothing.

“Look at ‘im! If I wasn’t married, I would totally try to get with that hunk!” She exclaimed, making Proxy cringe at her 1990’s expressions.

She then looked at the ground as she remembered something. “Oh wait, Nate died.” She mumbled to herself.

She looked back up to Marine, stumbling towards the soldier who was currently telling another joke. “Wait for me, oh great soldier!”

Proxy watched as they spoke for a bit, Marine quickly inviting her to sit in his lap, to which she gladly accepted, sitting down on his armor and snuggling into her new drunken love. Proxy scoffed and looked back down, trying to ignore the festivities.

“Why aren’t you with him?” PigglesWorth suddenly asked from right beside her. If she wasn’t used to surprises from invisible assailants, she would’ve jumped.

“Seems like he already got a girl.” She mumbled, just loud enough for him to hear, pointing his attention over towards the snuggling humans.

“It’s drunken love, they’ll get over it.” He dismissively said. “What I mean is why aren’t you enjoying the party?”

“I was never one for parties. They tried throwing me a surprise birthday party two years ago. I put Noir in critical condition.” She explained, cringing at the image that swirled in her mind. She heard an echoey ‘surprise!’ accompanied by Noir and Marine with a cake in between them, party hats on their helmets. She squeezed her eyes shut as the next part of the memory played out. Echoey gunshots, punctuated by a scream of pain that had burned itself into her subconscious.

PigglesWorth wrapped an arm around her shoulders as tears formed at the corners of her eyes, slightly pressing into her in a comforting way as they remained silent for a moment.

“Don’t worry, Proxy.” He softly spoke into where he assumed her ear was. “It’s been hours and nobody’s dead. You’ll be fine.” He squeezed Proxy in a friendly way. “Besides, we’re here for you.” PigglesWorth looked down at the figure half a foot shorter than him. “If you ever need somebody to vent to, just give me a call.” He told her, handing her a walkie-talkie who’s antenna glowed a bright blue when he turned it on.

“When the light is on, I can hear you.” He said as she looked at the device. For a second, his smile faltered, thinking he had hurt her more in someway, before Proxy suddenly embraced him, squeezing him tightly.

“Thank you.” Proxy whispered as PigglesWorth returned the embrace.

Cadence watched their interaction with a smile, thinking back to Iron Clad’s expression when she had agreed to his love laced request.

“Love is beautiful, isn’t it?” Shining armor said, scrunched next to her on the couch while Noir lounged on the other half, fast asleep as Flurry Heart also slept under his protective hands, which were still in the position of petting her.

Cadence merely nodded as Proxy broke the embrace after a solid minute, grabbing the walkie-talkie and attaching it to her belt, directly in the middle of her back, under the heavy railgun, before wrapping her own arm around PigglesWorth, bringing him close.

Since there was no space on the couch, the Daedric Prince Dag’gar sat with his legs out on the floor beside the counch, a few feet from it, a hand scratching Celestial’s bare head similar to how Noir scratched Flurry Heart’s, at her insistence. She was also asleep, her head resting on the Daedra’s legs, a purr emitting from her as well, just loud enough to overpower the deep mumbles that constantly emerged from her mouth. A purr that Dag’gar hadn’t heard since their encounter many decades ago that sparked their relationship, one that he didn’t want to stop for eternity, as it signified his marefriend’s pleasure.

“I love it when a plan comes together.” He whispered to himself, having asked PigglesWorth to go over and cheer up Proxy before it was time to open gifts.

With your nose so bright, won’t you lead the way tonight…

Author's Note:

Merry Christmas, Motherfu*static*


... Happy holidays,
Yours truly, Lunat- Hey, gimme back the pen, you smug pig ass!