• Published 12th Sep 2019
  • 2,289 Views, 32 Comments

Comedic Burst of Funniness - Lunatic God



Sometimes time travel is possible. Sometimes it goes wrong. Sometimes a futuristic soldier goes on a killing spree to reach the time machine to get back home, and begins an era of video game characters finding their way to Equestria. It happens.

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Noir Lime, the friendly neighborhood Ghost

“Noir Lime, you’ve got a mission,” Marine informed over the radio.

“You've been tasked with guarding Princess Mi Amore Cadenza’s little filly, Flurry Heart. You will be guarding her in Canterlot’s throne room during a summit with the Griffon kingdom regarding all princesses. This will be huge for them, so we expect you to make a good impression on them.

“We expect you to keep it clean, so only your handgun is allowed. Keep an eye on it, we've been informed she’s a trickster, prone to escape and robbery. We have been told that it's mere curiosity, so do not take it as an offense to the state.

“She is considered a foal, so the Princess expects you to do a few baby-related activities, such as feeding. She is expected to be asleep in her bed near the end of the Summit. They will have changed her diaper beforehand to prevent any species related troubles.

“All crystal guards available will be accompanying the princess, so you will not have help if things go haywire. Griffon Dignitaries may be brought to Flurry Heart for matters unexplained to us, so be prepared for visitors within a half-hour of the summit beginning. Under my orders, you will pat down each guest and utilize your issued changeling detector. This includes the parents. Subdue and incapacitate if a single discrepancy is detected. Hold in custody until said discrepancy can be cleared. All prisoners taken are to be released to the princess under her discretion at the end of your job.

“Proxy was assigned to protect the Griffon party throughout, so do not forget to pat down and scan her. No person, pony, or Griffon is excluded from this treatment as long as they are expected within PSI distance of the princess’s daughter.

“This is huge for our alliance with Equestria as well. Do not fail me. Good luck. Marine out.”

***

Noir Lime was currently standing inside the room on the opposite side of where the door swung in, CS-Pro in his right hand. Utilizing the barely detectable magic a changeling gave off in the scanner, which was handcrafted by him as a chip that he inserted in the back of his helmet, which creates an overlay on his visor that scans any living creature in sight without him saying or doing a thing.

There was barely any room between the door frame and the wall to his right for him to fit his armor, as it was only two feet. The distance on the left, however, was seven feet, along with the door being three, which added up to twelve feet wide. The perpendicular walls were ten feet long and reached up to be eight feet tall. There was a crib tucked into the corner in front of him, along with a toy box tucked into the corner opposite the crib, entirely hot pink with golden rounded corners and edges, and is about the size of the crib.

The box was open and toys littered the floor. Flurry Heart sat in the final corner, stacking the multi-colored blocks as high as she could reach, effectively creating wooden bars around her.

“Bah!" She exclaimed, giggling as she knocked over a section of the bars she made. She did the same with the other two, before laughing playfully and clapping her hooves after creating a pile of wooden blocks in front of her. She repeated this multiple times, each design different.

But then she went silent. He looked over at the corner. He gripped his gun tighter after noticing that Flurry Heart wasn't there.

“Bah!"

He felt a tap on his shin. He looked down and saw Flurry, smiling up at him with a hoof on his shin.

“Bah!” she repeated, tapping his shin again.

“Bah?" She said, tapping his shin multiple times. After she finished, she sat there, a slight frown on her face as she worked out the logistics on how to knock him down. Eventually, she just repeated the tap once more, without a bah.

All of a sudden, Noir Lime fell, sliding down the corner and spreading his legs around either side of her, acting as if he fell in combat.

She laughed once more as she clapped, the smile returning to her face. He grinned slightly at her display.

As he sat, Flurry felt it fit to explore the anatomy of her new friend. She ran a hoof down his left leg, running over the curves and edges of his armor before stopping at the top of his foot. She slowly continued up and over his toes. As she touched the sole of his boot, he pulled his leg back sharply, causing her to quickly retract her hoof in fear.

She decided to leave his foot alone and moved on to his arm. She decided to start at the biceps, grabbing a hold of his arm with both hooves. She grunted in effort as she tried to lift his armored arm. He moved his arm up, Flurry making an ‘ahh’ sound as she moved it this way and that, him following her movements to make her think she was moving it.

Eventually, she noticed his fingers, watching them wiggle in a wave-like pattern as she slowly stopped moving his arm. He held his arm out as she slowly lowered her hooves, moving under his fingers. She slowly raised a hoof up to it. She gasped in surprise as his fingers grabbed the top of her hoof. As she tried to escape, his other hand quietly placed the gun on the floor and snuck up to her silently, stopping just behind her.

Suddenly, he let go as she yanked, dropping her into his right hand, her head landing on his right leg as his left hand quickly lowered and started to tickle her stomach. She immediately started laughing and giggling as she squirmed, making no attempt to actually escape now.

Eventually, the laughter died down as his hand moved up her body, stopping at the crook after her left foreleg and scratching it as her right hindleg started kicking his left in instinctual pleasure. She closed her eyes as a content smile made its way onto her face, her body laying in Noir Lime’s lap.

After an hour of scratching, and no visit from the Griffins, he heard knocking on the door. He did nothing but move his left leg to allow entrance to whoever was knocking. Princess Cadence walked in, along with her husband, Shining Armor.

“Flurry?" She called. He looked down as Flurry mumbled in her sleep, turning over to face him. He made a shushing sound, causing the pair to turn and look at them.

“Aw, she’s so cute!" Cadence whispered, coming closer. He held out his left hand, stopping them from coming any closer.

“Oh right, the scan!" She whispered, waiting patiently as he moved his hand to the back of his helmet, pushing a button to activate the scanner. They were both fine, so he had no need to pat them down… although he also didn't want to get up in fear of waking up the sleeping filly. He turned off the scanner and lowered his hand.

“Nwhi…” Flurry mumbled as Cadence slowly lifted the filly out of his grasp and into the crib, raising the bars as the couple trotted to it, peeking in as it locked into place.

Princess Cadence looked back at Noir Lime as he rose and dusted himself off, grabbing the gun and placing it on his right hip.

“Thank you, Noir Lime,” Cadence whispered with a grateful smile. He saluted her as Shining Armor levitated a blanket to cover Flurry Heart.

“You are dismissed.” Princess Cadence ordered, turning back to the filly and her husband.

He waited until he was outside the door and it was closed behind him before speaking.

“Mission successful. No problems detected. All side orders completed. Would do again.” He spoke into his built-in headset.

“Copy. You have just done our nation and entire world a great honor. Great job. I will recommend you to babysitting services.” Marine added the last part as a joke, but they both knew Noir Lime doesn’t have a sense of humor.

“Negative, Marine. I will babysit Flurry Heart specifically again.” Noir corrected.

“Copy. Marine out.”

Author's Note:

For some strange reason, I had an urge to write the interaction between Flurry and Noir in first person. I guess I have a subconscious desire to babysit the godly baby of a pony princess and a royal guard and have a really cute experience.
Holy shit, I'm dead inside.