Vinyl Scratch, or DJ-P0N-3, known for promiscuity amongst the mares and stallions of Ponyville, has fallen in love! How will she deal with it, and will the object of her desires reciprocate these feelings?
Chapters (16)
Senorita-De-La-Nieve
Joined 13th Aug, 2012 ·
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i love it more plz
This was a fine beginning to what promises to be a great story. I noticed a few things you'll want to look over, though.
"Is everything alright dear?" she asked and Octavia nodded. "Yes, everything is fine Rarity, I was just... thinking" she tried to explain in one word. Rarity opened her mouth and nodded, a slight smirk on her face..
Two characters can't speak in the same paragraph. It should be something like this:
"Is everything alright, dear?" she asked.
Octavia nodded. "Yes, everything is fine, Rarity. I was just... thinking," she tried to explain in one word. Rarity opened her mouth and nodded, a slight smirk on her face.
Second, Octavia seems to me like the type who would speak slowly, thinking about each word before she says it. As a result, she would tend to use very proper grammar. An example:
"Um, yeah, sorry I'm late, I was with Vinyl, me and her were just grabbing a coffee" might become,
"Um...yes, sorry I'm late. I was with Vinyl. She and I were just grabbing some coffee," or something like that.
That's all the feedback I can manage at the moment. Do with it what you will.
Prelate
1084773
And I thought I was so careful with that. I'll fix it now. Thanks for pointing it out
So far so good, I'll be watching this one.
A few very minor grammatical errors, formatting problems (new speaker, new paragraph), spelling (missed letters and two different spellings of "grey", pick one and stick with it), and a painful over-use of ellipses.
Overall I think it's well written, but if you would like help with proofing or editing let me know. The story I was editing previously stalled out, so I got time on my hands.
1085128
Well I already have a beta reader, but obviously he hasn't got around to sending me this chapter yet. So, the position is open if you would like it.
1085165
Sent PM, consider the postion filled.
And now I need to get back to pretending to work.
Liking the story, keep it up
I like this, and you update fast! Looking forward to more
1087099
I update fast because all the chapters are already written
Even better!
i.imgur.com/u8vXl.gif
PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF FUCK ONE MOAR CHAPTER! JUST ONE MOAR!
i.imgur.com/MeBRn.gif
internet cookie for you!searchtempo.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/07/linkedin-session-cookie-stale.jpg
This chapter is by far my favourite, you're an excellent writer.
1090877
Which is why I opened my account
No comments yet? Surprised face on
huh so you went with the he lives and finds another mare option
i was half expecting him to die and octavia to be all sad cause of the last thing she said to him rada rada rada
have a pinkie pie for going with an unexpected plot line
1091429
No, Noteworthy is a cool character. He's the only one to wrong Octavia and live
I want him to be a major character in the series, and the story would be over if I decided to kill him off.
I don't do that to my characters.
Anymore.
Maybe later.
1091443
good... let the insanity flow through you
1091479
Too late hot plate
1091532 fc09.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2012/033/0/d/discorath_by_allison_beriyani-d4oh4hm.jpg
Sheogorath BLESSES THOU WITH CHEESE!
NOW WE DEMAND MOAR!
although its realy up to you
but i think you want to keep your intestines
but if you dont...... well i havent played skip rope with intestines in a while
1091571
Well until the view count goes up I might not post anything. I want to entertain more than 9 people
1091666
but ... but i blessed you with the sacred cheese of cheesyness......
1091698
Fine.
10 more chapters.
Then I quit the mediocre, and move onto writing at my best. This is mediocre for me, so one can imagine what the best is.
1091742
i.imgur.com/K4EYx.gif
Don't stop posting or I will have to bitch slap you!
No but seriously.....please don't stop posting. I love these....
That was just...beautiful.
No comments yet...blame it on the eagerness to read the next chapter.
Is there something wrong with Chapter 4, 8 and 9? I just noticed a dramatic loss of views after those chapters, what's wrong with them guys?
I just wanted to keep reading, but it stoped
I hope that there is more to come tho, and keep up the good work.
Welcome to fimfiction! Read this on old FF.net and I sill love it. So well written and such fascinating back story.
I feel like I've read this before somewhere...has this story already been published on another site? It's excellent, by the way, and I look forward to reading the rest.
The realization just hit me that I never read romance until I became a brony, and now I only read pony-related romance fics. Well, that's an interesting development.
1099587 That happens with any story, or at least with mine over on fanfiction(dot)net. Some people just stop reading after a while, and others will skip some chapters to read the ending. I'll read them all if I can, though.
1103352
I posted it on Fanfictio.net under the name SeoritaDeLaNieve, you may ave read it then
Yup, threw me off
1104307
editing is hard
Sigh
I must say that this is quite an interesting read
I look firward to more chapters
1105417
Did you know depression isn't fun?
Just saying
1105421
I know I have depression.
1105448
It isn't fun is it?
I probably won't update until tomorrow.
Nope.That's ok,also by the way you're very good a writing.
1105467
bullsh!t
i dont know why anyone is reading this
1105654
Are you kidding!??! It's so damn good!! The sttory line , how it's all kept together everything is amazing!
I second that statement!
"and though the waiter was indeed the eitome of civility and politenss, Noteworthy went above and beyond in some way, even going as far as to listen intetly to everythng, even if Daisy werto interrupt him, which she did twice just to gauge his reaction, he was everything she had imagined a Canerot Stallion o be."
Ah, so you too have been the the mystic lands of Canerot, an ancient kingdom where fics spellcheck themselvesdl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Lyra2.png
May the Chocolate Rain be with you!
Also: First
1109002
Editing
Is
Hard
Well... There were few typos here, but, typos are not the shit to be worried about :3 Great chapter :D
I'm a sucker for Vincyl/Octavia shipping.
cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/21801190.jpg
Other than the numerous grammar and spelling errors, this is a great story.
Do you have a pre-reader, by any chance?
1124487
Yes I do, he's kinda slow though, he hasn't got past chapter 4 yet, it'll be a long haul before it's pristine
Glad to know you've got someone working on it.