this story is about Rainbow dash becoming what everypony seems to want an alicorn! but she dosent know how or why and neither does anypony else as far as she knows.
also i write this story for the sake of writing and i hope you all will read it for the sake of reading my grammar is not the best and i accept that so if you are reading this for grammar id sugest stopping now as youl proly hate it im not trying to get featured or great reviews just to try to make a decent stroy and if you like it and get passed grammar then i thank you.
UNDERGOING TOTAL REWRITE but this is after rebirth and a crossover i have planed so i doubt il get to this any time soon sorry to anyone that read this bad story -.-.
Chapters (2)
I'm sorry, but this was dreadfully awful.
Some things you can work on: spelling, spacing and grammar. This was atrocious in all of those categories, and probably more so. I understand that this is your first story, but it really needs some work.
That was terrible.
Just... terrible.
Echoing Opossum, there are some pretty significant grammar flaws that need to be fixed. I don't have a list on me, but Googling something for beginning writers would go a long way to helping you out.
Make sure to capitalize names, and don't have two characters speaking in the same paragraph. Might be worth running the story through an automatic spellchecker (most word processing programs have them) to catch any other errors.
well thanks for your remarks im currently editing it but without help you all should know it is not easy
i understand if i wasted your time reading this but i thank you for doing so i will try to do better
Sorry, but I could barely get through the first paragraph. This is unreadable in its current form.
The first, and most pressing, issue is the complete lack of commas. (I searched. There is not a single comma in your entire story.) The key in question is (on a standard US keyboard) on the lower right, between M and the period. Use it.
Quotation marks would also be helpful.
well im about to reupdate it with an edited version in a few min
there edited hopefully this will allow people to actually tell me how i did on content over grammar static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/scootangel.png
Chapter 2 is on the way i hope this is better than before i took all my criticism to heart and am working really hard to make this a worthy story static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/pinkiesad2.png with that i hope some of you that commented will give it another try static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/derpytongue2.png
Needs to be more organized...
well like i said i hope chapter 2 is written better its obviously taking me alot longer than this one im no writer but i like to try things out static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/scootangel.png
now in the ends of chapter 2 should be done within the week static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/eeyup.png
and yes before you say it i can see my spacing is off static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/derpytongue2.png
You said you need an editor?
i may have mentioned that :V my current eoditor is full up for a bit so yea i do. take it you want the job static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/trixieshiftright.png
Review time! Yay!
Well, I couldn't figure out why this had so many thumbs down until I read the comments, so your revisions have done you good, it seems. It's not perfect, but it wasn't so bad that I didn't want to keep reading. Then again, I might be getting desensitized to such things.
I will agree that the pacing is a bit quick, and your punctuation needs a lot of help. In the first chapter, you're missing some indentations, and for some unexplained reason, the second is entirely centered. You still have a few paragraphs with multiple speakers (the conversation between RD and Twi in chapter one, for example), and they're a little hard to follow.
One other comment I have is that you tend to get sidetracked on scenes that don't seem to go anywhere. The conversation with Applejack in chapter 1 (which adds nothing to the story) and the scene with the CMC in chapter two (which goes nowhere, at least as of yet) come to mind. Stay focused on the story and plot. It'll make your writing stronger.
Well, hope that helps. Best of luck!
~Scribblestick, TWE reviewer
thanks and i still am working on why all of 2 is centered lol it just does that on this site but thanks for actually rating my little story my first work ever so il keep trying and the cmc was an attempt at comedic relief sorta lol static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/pinkiesad2.png and the chapter 1 conversation was also my first ever and my old editor was not a huge fic reader so they just added quotes puncuation ect. i never got around to redoing it.
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Since the story title and chapter number don't appear to be effected by the centering problem, my best guess is that the chapter name "Realization" is meant to be centered, and probably has a bad center-closing tag. [ /center]
Check for that... that's the only thing I can think of without being able to see the BBCode for the chapter.
thanks i shall
Downvotes are probably due to the grammar issues, a lot of people can't look past technical issues in writing. It's sort of sad, but that's the way it goes. I think your story has promise to it and I enjoyed reading it. Grammar and writing get better the more you do. Trust me, just keep writing and learning and you'll be using all the rules soon enough. It takes a little time, but it's worth it. I had a teacher who made us write a one page essay a day in High Sschool, followed by a college professor who expected a three page paper every other day and a rough draft of the one after it between them. Practice makes perfect. Overall, to me, the story is what matters and I think this is interesting.
DEAR GOD THERES SOMEPONY ELSE OUT THERE THAT THINKS LIKE ME 0.o but seriously thats what ive been saying for like almost a year but only a few of my freinds agree but hey to each there own if people want ot read for grammar only why not read a dictionary or encyclopedia or somthing lol. but seriously i was just never good at writing and it really makes me happy to see somepony read past my grammar and actually tell me about my story il get back to this story some time in the future but idk when. and thanks static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/rainbowkiss.png a persional quote i like " i read for the story not the words"