• Member Since 28th Aug, 2011
  • offline last seen Monday

Cold in Gardez

Stories about ponies are stories about people.


Paul Zagranski is the best negotiator on Earth. He has ended wars and brokered deals between nations. But now, as humans and ponies prepare to seal the greatest trade pact ever between their dimensions, all of humanity is relying on him. We are willing to offer all our technology, our weapons, our science, every book ever written, every song ever sung and every movie ever screened, all of it in order to have what only the ponies can give.

Ear scritches. Also mane brushing and braiding. And nose boops.

God speed, Paul. All of Earth is counting on you.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 72 )

We have have hooves!

Mistake in there. Otherwise cute.

This was great. There's only one thing that comes to mind as being able to improve it. I think you should take out the "They are willing to offer all their technology, their weapons, their science, every book ever written, every song ever sung and every movie ever screened, all of it in order to have what only the ponies can give." from the description, so that the line after "We did.” The Secretary General looked away, out the same picture window that had drawn Paul’s attention earlier. “May our children forgive us if we fail. Just, when you get in there, remember the priorities.” hits with even more force.

tis pretty cute in my opinion.

Deal's totally worth it

Fantastic. Written as if this was the most serious thing. Seriously heartwarming💜

Humanity did not have to use their secret ace in the hole of baked oat molasses horsey treats


We're not monsters.

A Mennonite 4H club forms a cartel to manufacture illegal baked oat molasses treats in Equestria in a spin-off story titled Baking Bad ?

I'm just imagining a pony in a suit and tie with his eyes rolling into the back of his head while a human also wearing a suit and tie is kneeling and scratching the back of his ear. And it is adorable in my head.

No comment..... just laughing my ass of!:rainbowlaugh:

I can just see the crisis centers springing up on both side of the portal as boops, scritches, mane brushing and braiding force oxytocin to overdose levels. But I know we can live with that. Worth it!

"When the deal was reached, and magic from Equestria began flowing into Earth, one unforeseen side-effect was granting all of Earth's cats and dogs sentience. When that happened, disaster struck. All of Earth's pets rose up in rebellion, demanding ear scritches be for them and them alone. After many months of conflict, an agreement was reached: Humans would provide the ear scritches to pony and pets alike, but belly rubs would be for the pets only."

... this is fucking amazing and I can't stop giggling.

Ohmigosh I'm just melting from how adorable this is! How dare nature not give ponies a way to scritch their ears! Of course we'll help!!! I needed this today, moar please! We need more diabetes-inducing fluff on here. Bless you for making this!


Belly rubs went to dogs while tail base scritches went to cats.

~Skeeter The Lurker

For the love of all things holy, please tell me that this is canonically set in the universe of Big Princess Week.


You know, you're the second person to mention that story in reference to this one? I didn't even think about it while writing.

For the love of everything holy, DO IT!!! :flutterrage:

This is the top featured story on Fimfiction.net right now. Just wanted to let you know. Anyone who comes here, having never seen our fandom before, will see this as their first impression of us.

Seems accurate.

Mr Banks? The Nanny has arrived. :pinkiegasp:

Wouldnt the Griffins and Hippogriffs demand Tailscritches, Diamond Dogs belly rubs, and the Dragons, battery powered wire brush paint strippers and support gear?:derpytongue2:

I simply must comment on the simple but very funny pic for your cover.

I adore the death glare Tempest is giving to the figure that dares to 'boop' her, with her signature magic to add to the intimidation facture for an otherwise silly action. I can already seeing this poor guy flying faster than Team Rocket while giving a good old Goofy Yell.:rainbowlaugh:

and in exchange all that Earth could offer was silly trinkets and slightly better musical instruments.

As usual, Babylon 5 has something to offer for this.

“Their homeworld is a place called Earth, located in a fairly uninteresting part of the galaxy. We had never bothered much with that area before. It had little military or strategic value. But as a culture grows decadent, it becomes intrigued by art, by trinkets, by eccentricity. And the Humans had art and trinkets and eccentricity to spare.”
— Londo Mollari, Emperor of the Centauri Republic

The novelization of In the Beginning has Londo additionally note that the Earth government was located in a place called Geneva, Switzerland, which is known for four things: its neutrality, its clocks, its cheese, and its chocolate. He doesn’t know which of the four is the reason Humans chose to make it their capital, but he suspects it’s the cheese.

Truly the best of timelines, I weep for not living in it.


It's a great story, but there's this:

The ponies drive a hard bargain. But Earth must have what they possess, or all is lost. We must have ear scritches.

It sounds like the Humans are wanting ear scritches from the ponies. It's the same in the long description as well.

Nothing defines humanity more than this. it's a 30/30/30 split on killing/banging/cuddling any aliens we'll find

What made you write this story? I love it


I couldn't think of a better way to phrase it.

Well..... thanks to this, I don't think I'll be able to eat any sweets for at least a week without going into a diabetic coma..... no regrets!

Gotta ask, was "Common Ground" a reference to Destinies or just coincidence?


I'm not familiar with Destinies, so I'll have to say it wasn't. It just seemed like a good name for a pony negotiator.

... What's the last ten percent?

Hah, jokes on you, i have a doggo to ear scritch!


The ponies drive a hard bargain. But Earth must have what they possess, or all is lost. They must have ear scritches.

Never before have I seen such a tense negotiation... I was afraid they would say no, so very afraid.

What would the poor african children done if the deal fell through!? How could they live without the nose boops!?!

I dont know what made me read this but im glad i did.

I have three doggos waiting for me at home. Thanksgiving can’t come soon enough.

Why can we not live in this timeline?

XD that fanart.
i swear to god, they do make some poses just for the memes!!!

It is frivolous, saccharine, and it is downright perfect for it. My sole regret is that I have but one thumbs up to give.

Meh, why not.

I usually read through other kind of stories, but I decided to give it a try since the theme called my attention, and my friend. What a good story, Its really funny and made me giggle couple of times. :pinkiehappy: And by the way, the last phrase is one of the best! :rainbowlaugh:

*very long sigh* .......... i think its time to leave the planet.


The Greatest Trade Deal of all god damn time. Forwards, Backwards and Sideways!

Is there a second level of favorite I can give this?
I feel the need to put it above even that.

So sweet it gave me cavities! I need to go test my blood sugar now.

The most important trade deal since the purchasing of the rights to MLP:FiM from Hasbro by the fandom.

Common Ground spoke first. “Mister Zag… Paul. I… You must understand, these things… our noses are very sensitive. Nose boops are humiliating! They make us scrunch up our muzzle!”

“And squeak!” Cinnamon interjected, blushing.

hnnng....so adorable!

Whoops double post

I wonder who was the first pony to discover Humans could give ear scritches?

My money's on Pinkie.

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