• Member Since 25th Aug, 2019
  • offline last seen 36 minutes ago

paperhearts


The notes of progress float along over your candle song.

E

On a night that's both clear and opaque, the students of the School of Friendship head out to watch the stars.

Surrounded by the weight of silence, Smolder and Ocellus hope to find a new constellation.

Chapters (1)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 14 )

Ocellus is gonna need to go on a diet after tonight...

:heart:

9826328
I know, right? Who'd have thought that The Changeling Diet: Love Love, Not Food would just be another health fad that didn't deliver.

Ri2
Ri2 #3 · 1 week ago · · ·

What does the name mean?

Parker #4 · 1 week ago · · ·

Restrained, yearning, and hopeful creatures would be my dragon hoard, and I'm collecting this story as part of it.
The scene where Ocellus touches and draws small circles on Smolder's scales is just lovely. Really, really enjoyed reading this!

9826595
It's a word that originates from the Yahgan tribe in South America; it has two broad contemporary meanings, but for the purposes of this story I drew upon the meaning of two people sharing a look, both wishing for the other to initiate something that they both desire, but are both reluctant to begin.

9826631
Oh my, such kind words. Thank you, and I'm delighted you enjoyed the story, and I appreciate you taking the time to read it. It's pretty flattering to know that it's going to end up in someone's hoard. :twilightsmile:

nicely done, you were able paint the scene beautifully. Made me feel the what the characters felt. you are doing well, keep it up:twilightsmile:!

9827489
Ah, thanks kindly, chum. I'm delighted that the story worked for you, and really appreciate you putting the time aside to read my work. Means a lot, that, considering the amount of material on the site! :twilightsmile:

A beautiful story, and a poetic experiment to try and express emotions without dialogue. Your mastery of the prose is exceptional to give so much detail and emotion behind little movements, though I do actually feel at least some dialogue toward the end would've helped. It'd bring a nice conclusion to the story, to sum up two feelings that want to be mutual, but can't know for sure if they are.

Still, this is a remarkable piece of literature that I hope gets a lot more attention than it currently has!

When I think about the paths my life has taken, I don't think I ever would have guessed that I'd be reading stories about dragons and bugs doing astronomy and cuddling. Not that I mind, though.

Your prose is very atmospheric, and I mean that wholeheartedly. You have a way of painting vivid pictures with your words, filling in all of the details and letting the readers revel at the imagery you've created. That said, I don't think it was a great fit for the story told here.

I had hoped to write a slice of life piece that focused on a specific moment in time, and without dialogue cluttering things up.

This right here. Mission accomplished, author. You did exactly what you set out to do—so take this with a grain of salt—but I don't think the mission really fit the task. The storytelling was strong, but your staunch avoidance of dialogue gives this story a dreamlike feel, like we're viewing this scene through a cloudy lens or with the haze of an old memory. If this was a flashback in a larger story, or if the subject matter wasn't so intimate, it would work fine. However, this is a romance oneshot. We need immediacy, to be in the moment with the characters for it to have the desired effect. Dialogue is a great way to convey immediacy, and the lack of it makes it harder to connect with the story being told.

Overall, this is a very strongly written story, but I feel like the style and the subject matter aren't as compatible as they could be. Regardless, I enjoyed reading it, so have an updoot!

9827773
9828106

Thanks for your feedback, but more sincerely for taking the time to read my story in the first place. Honestly, the fact you've been kind enough to do that puts a smile on my face. I'm going to do a joint response seeing as you have both touched upon the same critique.

And it's a fair critique. I'm not going to dispute any of those points. When I was writing the piece there were a few moments where I was saying to myself "Dialogue would work well here", and the big issue (for me, anyway) revealed itself in how many times in a dialogue-free story I referenced them actually "talking". In hindsight (actually, I can't even hide behind hindsight) I should have either gone all-in or all-out.

But I decided early on this was the tone and style I wanted to experiment with, so I stuck with it. Honestly, I'm pleased that I did. I enjoyed writing it (something I've learned not to take for granted) and the learning and feedback from the process has been incredibly valuable. Ultimately the story shifted a little too much from the original scene, and said tone and style were unable to keep up and support it sufficiently. It's flawed, no two ways about it.

That said, I strive towards, and pride myself on, writing effective and atmospheric prose, and it's something I'm keen to develop as my voice. Obviously I've got some lessons to learn in managing this voice, and your feedback will help enormously there. So thank you, sincerely, for taking the time to share it. It's been just awesome. :twilightsmile:

9828206
Experimenting is the heart of innovation, and it's absolutely a sign of a creative writer to do so! Much like science, experiments help us find new directions for what does and doesn't work. This is why I want my criticism to be constructive. You have an amazing talent, and I want you to keep going! Even though this particular fic could have used a little bit of dialogue, it still works on many levels. I'd give it a 9/10 rating :).

This is how I wish I could write. I feel like whenever I try to, I fail miserably. Nothing I write ever seems to feel quite like it strikes the same notes when I read it back. It's a beautiful story, and the lack of dialogue was something I really enjoyed, making it atmospheric.

Stories like this make me want to write. They make me want to try to improve. The feelings I felt while reading this are the ones I want to be able to make people feel reading my own stories.

9832017
Hello again! :twilightsmile: Thank you for putting the time aside to read this story too. That means a lot.

I think that's par for the course, isn't it? I'm often reading the work of others and wishing I could write as well as they do. I've lost track of the amount of times I've read someone's story and it's influenced how I write, or at least made me reflect on the direction I want to take my writing in. I went a bit overboard with this one (it was sort of an experiment I stuck to my guns with, even though I should have relaxed some of the self-imposed critera) but by and large the prose is what I'm hoping to establish as my voice/style. Still got such a long ways to go though.

And I'm still reading some of your stories, but I think you've got a very nice and engaging style! If you ever want to shoot the breeze or get a second opinion though, I'm always up for offering that. The one bit of advice I can offer (and I feel very silly offering advice, because I'm still learning so much myself) on what helped me improve this style is to write poetry. I used to write a lot, and I think focusing on the detail of moments, of conveying worlds and feelings within the form and structure of poetry really help shaped the visual and emotional aspects of my writing. :twilightsmile:

Thank you again for such kind and wonderful comments. You've really made my day!

9829105
I really appreciate that, and thanks, your feedback has indeed been helpful. I'm working on a longer story at the moment, and it's been really nice to shape it using such critiques. It's less of a thematic experiment and more of a genre/length experiment (I have generally struggled with writing and planning longer fiction, and haven't really tackled an adventure story, even though it will have a romantic plot), so I'm hopeful I'm going to get the balance a little more correct this time. :pinkiesmile:

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!