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No Help at All

Bill and Ben were, as usual, causing chaos in the China Clay pits. This left Derek, the only diesel on their books, to do the bulk of the work, and as he rattled to a stop with a rake of loaded trucks, Bill and Ben were busy arguing.

"But it's your turn to take the trucks, Bill!" said Ben.

"But I took the empty trucks back the last time, Ben!" retorted Bill.

"Did not!"

"DID TOO!"

Babs shook her head in frustration. "And people wonder why we get nothin' done."

"Exactly!" said Octavia, as she brought Derek to a stop. "This quarry is only as productive as its least productive member."

"What are you implying?" asked Bill.

"She," Derek said sternly, "is implying that you two should stop messing about and get on with your work. Instead of arguing about who should take the trucks, take them back with you to Brendam together. How does that sound?"

A grin spread across Ben's face. "OK then!" he laughed, as Babs and Sunflower took the controls of their respective engines. "Last one back to the tunnel takes the trucks!" Both engines zoomed off, laughing.

"DEREK!"

Derek rolled his eyes. "Those two engines are incredibly frustrating. I just hope Lady is having a better time."

Unfortunately, Lady was having trouble of her own. She was pulling empty trucks under the hopper to be loaded, a messy, difficult job at the best of times. Today, there was a lot of excess dust in the air, and Lady was having difficulty seeing what she was doing. Suddenly, Bill and Ben coupled up behind and pulled her back as the next load of rocks was starting to be dropped, causing it to fall all over the track.

"What in the?" Lady asked. "Who did that?"

Sunset looked behind her to see the source of the problem. "Great, you two again," she grumbled. "You're not very helpful, you know that?"

Bill and Ben spluttered like beatboxers whilst Derek arrived to help pull away the mess. The diesel sighed. "I'm used to them," he said, rolling his eyes again. "You could say they are no help at all."

"That's puttin' it mildly," Sunflower added, as she uncoupled Ben.

"I can't believe you, of all people, would say such a thing!" Ben exclaimed, shocked. "My own driver too!"

"You lot are no fun at all!" Bill added, and both engines puffed away fuming, determined to get their own back.

Octavia leaned out of Derek's cab to talk with Sunset. "Apart from those two, how is your working holiday on Sodor?"

"It's great!" Sunset replied. "It's a nice change from the Nottingham suburbs, let me tell you. Not that I don't like them, but it's nice to get a change of scenery once in a while."

"It's relatively quiet here," Octavia admitted, "assuming Vinyl isn't blasting music from her dishwasher again."


At Knapford, Sir Toppham Hatt paced up and down the platform. "Oh dear," he said. "We're in a right pickle. I never thought I'd say this Thomas, but we need another engine."

"Another engine?" Thomas asked. "But we already have so many!"

"And barely enough people to crew them!" Twilight added.

"I know," Sir Toppham Hatt sighed. "But we're really in a tight spot here. Diesel's engine fault still hasn't been fixed, Murdoch is having a bottom end repair to have his traction tires replaced, and Mavis is occupied at the Ffarquhar Quarry. Only now the docks are busy again with only one engine to manage them. Poor Boco's being rushed off his wheels!"

Moments later, Bill and Ben passed through light engine, overhearing this, and stopped. "Why not send Derek to the docks, sir?" Ben suggested. "Then we can have some fun," he added quietly.

"We don't need his help most days," Bill said. "In fact, most days he's no help at all."

"Wait, what? No he is-" Sunflower was unable to finish her sentence before Bill and Ben set off again, laughing.

Thomas smiled. "They're just being silly sir," he said. "Derek, despite his engine problems, is a really hard worker."

"Then sending him to the docks will be a good idea after all," Sir Toppham Hatt smiled.


At the docks, Boco was working very hard. Despite being a Type 2, the workload was very heavy indeed, as cargo was constantly being loaded and unloaded. Cranky and Big Mickey were constantly offloading freight from the big ships at the quay, when a horn blast caught their attention.

"Ah, Derek, you're here at last!" Boco smiled. "I've been looking forward to working with you again. I hope you don't mind hard work!"

"Hard work is, after all, the model of all prosperity," Filthy Rich added.

"Not in the slightest," Derek smiled. "Let's get to it!"

And so, both diesels got to work, moving trucks about into their proper places whilst disembodies voices sang in the background.

Later on, Sir Toppham Hatt arrived to see how things were going. Cranky was cheerful, which was a change from the norm. "Derek is excellent, sir!" he said. "I've never seen an engine work so hard or so diligently!"

"He's not the most powerful diesel in the world," added Boco, "but he's very efficient."

"Excellent," said Sir Toppham Hatt. "I must thank Bill and Ben for suggesting you work here."

"What?" Octavia asked. "Those two suggested the idea?"

"Err, yes," replied Sir Toppham Hatt. "They said you were no help at all."

"Did they now," Derek fumed. He dreaded the worst had happened at the quarry.


The situation at the clay pits was worse than Derek feared. Lady struggled to move a fully loaded line of trucks up the hill to the marshalling yards, the trucks groaning and resisting the entire way. "Bill! Ben!" she called. "I can't do all the work myself. These trucks are completely full. In fact, they are very full. No, they are too full! They're overflowing!"

"Indeed!" said a nearby brake van. "The load in those trucks in 6 millimetres too high-"

"What's that in inches?" Lady asked.

"0.24 of an inch, rounded to two decimal places," Sunset replied.

Meanwhile, Bill and Ben were bashing trucks about. "It's your turn!" Bill said.

"No it's not, it's yours!" Ben replied, and dodged out of the way of an oncoming truck that tipped over.

"Oops."

"Buck up, you two!" Babs snapped. "The longer you two prat around, the bigger this mess gets!"

"I know," Bill sighed. "But do you know who's not helping, Babs?"

"Who?"

"Derek!" and both steam engines began laughing.

Lady sighed. "And to think I could be giving children brake van rides at Rushcliffe Halt right now. How is this my life?"


Bill and Ben arrived at the docks to see Derek looking very grumpy. "I was wondering when you two scallywags would show up," he fumed.

"Careful you don't pop your valves," said Ben, in a snarky way. "But we need your help."

"That's an understatement," Sunflower muttered under her breath.

"The clay pits are a complete mess!" Bill added.

"Boco still needs help," Derek replied. "I'll come as soon as I can, but you two really need to get your act together."

"I agree," Boco sighed, as he moved another line of trucks into place. "You should work together instead of constantly arguing."

"Fine!" Bill snapped. "Be like that!"

"But if the yard is in a big mess," Ben added, "you'll know whose fault that is. Yours!" And both engines sped away, laughing.

A few days later, Murdoch was back in traffic, and assisted in clearing up Tidmouth docks, whilst Derek returned to the pits, dreading what he would find there.


It was absolute chaos. Everywhere, loaded and empty wagons were strewn and tossed about like toys, whilst Bill and Ben sat in the middle of their kingdom of chaos.

"If Derek's not helping, I'm not helping," Bill said.

"Me neither," added Ben.

Babs and Sunflower had given up trying to get them under control, and stood off to the side fuming.

"BILL AND BEN!"

Both engines jumped when they heard that voice, as Sir Toppham Hatt walked over, fuming. "What is going on here? How did this place end up in such a mess?"

"It's that Derek sir!" Bill said. "He refused to come back after we asked for help!"

"What?" Sir Toppham Hatt asked. "You two suggested Derek go to the docks, as he was, and I quote, 'no help at all'!"

"Basically, sir," Babs interrupted, "these two lied and said they didn't need help to get Derek sent away so they could muck about. We tried to get them under control, but this mess is too big for us to clean."

"It wasn't my fault," said Bill, glaring at Babs with a look that said 'traitor'. "And if Judas here had kept her mouth shut, it wouldn't be. It was Ben!"

"What? My fault?" Ben said. "It's yours! You said Derek was no help at all!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"DID NOT!"

DID TOO!"

"ENOUGH!" boomed Sir Toppham Hatt. "Babs, Sunflower, get to these two ruffian's controls, and get this mess cleaned up. Both of you engines need to start pulling your weight."

That proved to be easier said than done, as Bill and Ben crashed into several sets of jammed wagons. Suddenly, a familiar horn sounded in the distance, as Derek coasted to a stop.

"Hello, you two," he smiled. "How did this place end up in such a mess? Oh well, let's get it cleaned up rather than play the blame game. Are you ready, you two?"

Moments later, Murdoch puffed into view, loud music blaring from a stereo on his footplate. Moments after that, Boco came to a stop.

"Murdoch! Boco!" Bill and Ben called. "Thanks for helping us out!"

"No problem," Murdoch replied. "The sooner we get this lot cleaned up, the better."

"After all," Vinyl shouted, "isn't that what friends are for?"

In no time at all, the clay pits were back to normal. Bill and Ben still occassionally joke about, but they know better than to make big messes now!

Author's Note:

In British English, it is common to refer to someone perceived to have betrayed either a group or a set of ideals as 'Judas', in reference to the Biblical character.