• Published 1st Sep 2019
  • 1,709 Views, 231 Comments

No Longer Living In A Van Down By The River - Peni Parker

Since The Dazzlings agreed to be motivational speakers at CHS they're no longer living in a van down by the river, but the job may make them wish they still were.

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Adagio and Wallflower Blush

Wallflower Blush was standing outside of Vice-Principal Luna’s office one Wednesday afternoon after school. She’d received a note earlier in the day asking her to see the Vice Principle after school had ended, but the note didn’t give any details as to why. In all likelihood, it was regarding her recent use of the memory stone to erase everyone’s memories of Sunset Shimmer. Although Sunset and her friends all forgave Wallflower for the incident, she hadn’t received any formal punishment yet.

There were virtually unlimited punishments Vice-Principal Luna could impose on Wallflower, the thought of some of them made her grimace. Detention, expulsion, losing her beloved garden, all of these punishments and more raced through her head and made her just want to run away. She knew, however, there was no running from this.

With a long and deep breath, Wallflower steeled herself as she knocked on door.

“Come in.” Vice-Principal Luna could be heard saying from the other side.

Wallflower grabbed hold of the door knob and slowly turned it, knowing there was no turning back now as she entered the room.

“Y-you wanted to see me, Vice-Principal Luna?” she nervously asked.

Luna put down some paper she’d been holding and turned her attention to the timid teen.

“Yes, Ms. Blush. Please have a seat.” She said as she gestured to a chair in front of her desk.

Wallflower silently took her seat and stared at the floor, nervous and afraid of the conversation that was about to come.

“I assume you know why I’ve asked you here today.” Luna stated.

“Y-yes, ma’am,” Wallflower acknowledged as she kept her eyes on the floor. “And I’m ready for whatever punishment you give me.”

“There will be no punishment, Ms. Blush.” Luna nonchalantly responded.

Wallflower’s head immediately shot up in disbelief. Had she heard Vice-Principal Luna correctly? She wasn’t going to be punished for what she’d done using the memory stone?

“There…won’t?” she asked. Although she was happy that she wasn’t going to disciplined, the confusion Wallflower felt dwarfed it significantly.

“No, there won’t.” Luna reiterated. “I’ve discussed the matter with my sister, as well as with Sunset Shimmer and her friends, and we all feel that a more…unorthodox approach to your actions may yield better results.”

Wallflower’s confusion only grew, as evidenced by the bewildered expression she now had on her face. What was Vice-Principal Luna talking about? If it wasn’t some form of punishment, what could this ‘unorthodox approach’ be?

“I can see you’re confused,” Luna commented. “Allow me to explain. My sister has recently hired a group of girls to serve as motivational speakers for some of the students. You may remember them from the Battle of the Bands fiasco; The Dazzlings?”

Although Wallflower hadn’t participated in the Battle of the Bands personally, she did know who The Dazzlings were. Afterall, it’s hard to forget three girls from another world who nearly took over the school, and possibly the world.

“Y-yes, I remember them.” She replied. “But, why have you hired them to be motivational speakers?”

Luna could sense Wallflower’s confusion at hearing that The Dazzlings were now employed by the school. It was only natural.

“We hired them for cases just like this.” she explained. “It’s no secret that incidents involving Equestrian magic are on the rise here at CHS. My sister thought it might be a good idea to have The Dazzling speak about their experiences with Equestrian magic to students who have encountered it so as to deter them from using it.”

The logic of Luna’s explanation made sense to Wallflower, though she still questioned if it was a good idea having The Dazzlings be the ones to doing the motivational speaking. Regardless, she was more than willing to deal with listening to The Dazzlings rather than receiving some form of punishment.

“Alright.” Wallflower agreed. “So, you want me to meet with them and hear what they have to say?”

“Just one of them, actually.” Luna clarified. “She should be here shortly.”

No sooner had Vice-Principal Luna finished speaking than the door to her office opened, revealing a light golden girl with poofy orange hair that Wallflower recognized at the leader of The Dazzlings.

“Ah, Ms. Dazzle, perfect timing.” Luna stated. “I take it my sister has already informed you about the situation?”

“She has,” The golden girl half-heartedly answered as she made her way into the room. She stopped when she got next to Luna’s desk and leaned against it, staring at shy looking girl sitting just a few feet away. “And I assume this is Wallflower Blush?”

Wallflower briefly considered introducing herself to the Dazzling leader but decided against it. In truth, she was a bit intimated by her.

“It is.” Luna confirmed. “You may begin whenever you’re ready.”

“Right, let’s get this over with.” The golden girl remarked as she ceased leaning against the desk and stood up straight with her arms folded under her chest.

The sight of the Dazzling leader in such a commanding pose only made Wallflower feel even more intimidated.

“As you probably already know, my name is Adagio Dazzle.” The golden girl, apparently named Adagio, began, a bit more whole-heartedly. “And I’m here to motivate you into choosing a life free of corrupting Equestrian magic.”

Although Adagio seemed a bit more spirited than earlier, Wallflower couldn’t help but feel that she wasn’t all that thrilled about acting as a motivational speaker.

“To start, let me give you a little bit of a scenario of what my life is all about.” Adagio continued. “First off, I’m over a thousand years old, I’m a siren from Equestria, and, up until recently, I’ve been living in a van down by the river.”

Wallflower just stared at Adagio with a blank expression, unable to tell if she was actually being serious or not. Adagio payed no mind to Wallflower’s bewildered state as she continued, slowing inching her way closer to the confused girl.

“Now I’m sure you’re saying to yourself, ‘Hey, I’m going to use some Equestrian magic to get the world by the tail, wrap it around, and pull it down and put it in my pocket.’”

Wallflower had never said to herself, ever.

“Well I’m here to tell you that if you follow that path, you’re not going to amount to JACK SQUAT!” Adagio exclaimed as she stopped right in front of Wallflower and stuck her face just few inches from Wallflower’s.

At this point, Wallflower was visibly sweating. Having Adagio’s face so close to her own was making her extremely nervous.

“You’re going to end up eating a steady diet of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, and LIVING IN A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER.” Adagio continued.

Wallflower tilted her head a little to the right so she could look at Vice-Principal Luna, giving her a face that almost appeared to be a cry for help. Luna did nothing.

“Now tell me, Wallflower,” Adagio went on, pulling her head back. “What do you want to do with your life?”

“W-well, I want to be a b-botanist.” Wallflower nervously replied, trying to avoid eye contact with Adagio.

A small, sly smile formed on Adagio’s face upon hearing Wallflower’s answer.

“Well la de doddle da. We got ourselves a botanist here.” She sarcastically remarked as she made her way back over to the side of Luna’s desk. “Tell me, Luna, does that look like Jane Colden over there?”

“Actually, Ms. Dazzle, we encourage our students to pursue their passions at this school.” The vice principle retorted.

The sly smile disappeared from Adagio’s face as she facepalmed.

Luna, I wish you could just shut your big yapper. The poofy haired girl thought to herself but dared not say aloud.

Hearing Vice-Principal Luna stand up for her made Wallflower feel a bit more at ease, that is until Adagio made her way back over to her.

“So, you like gardening do you?” Adagio said, once again positioning herself only few inches in front of Wallflower, “Well there will be plenty of plants to take care of when you're LIVING IN A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!”

Wallflower could feel herself beginning to sweat again.

“Now, you’re probably asking yourself, ‘Gee, Adagio, how can I get back on the right track?’” Adagio went on as she moved over behind Wallflower’s chair.

As before, Wallflower was not saying that to herself.

“As I see it, there’s only one solution,” Adagio declared as she placed both her hands on Wallflower’s shoulders. “And that’s for me to get my things and move in with you, Wallflower.”

“W-what?!” Wallflower winced as she turned her head to look at the Dazzling leader with eyes as wide as saucer plates.

“That’s right. You and I are going to be besties, gal pals, amigos.” Adagio egotistically stated as she took her hands off Wallflower and headed for the door. “I’m going to get my things.”

“Ms. Dazzle,” Vice Principle Luna intervened as she stood up from her seat. “While I’m glad you seem committed to helping Wallflower I don’t think this is necessary.”

Adagio stopped in the doorway and stared back at Luna with a serious and determined look.

“I don’t give a rat’s ass because I’m moving in with her,” She asserted as she pointed to Wallflower. “I’m sick and tired of living with Sunset Shimmer. She's impossible to get along with and makes me wish I were still living in a van down by the river!”

Adagio exited the doorway and slammed the door behind her, leaving Wallflower and Luna to simply stare at each other in confusion as neither of them knew what the heck had just happened.

Author's Note:

Special thanks to howard035 for the inspiration for this chapter.

I hope you enjoyed this chapter based on the the infamous, and hilarious, Chris Farley SNL skit. All the chapters going forward will be completely original stories.

If you have a suggestion for a future chapter let me know in the comments.

The next chapter will feature Aria and Rainbow Dash.