"Gather ye rosebuds while ye may, Old Time is still a-flying, And this same flower that smiles today, Tomorrow will be dying."
One stormy night in Ponyville, the usually cheerful Pinkie Pie is disturbed by the unwelcome return of a pony from her distant past. When tomorrow's Try-Your-Best Talent Tournament is mentioned, she suspects her old foe of planning to ruin the event. But as her friends ready themselves for the challenges, it becomes clear that there may be more at stake in this particular game...
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I'm surprised. Two stars? I wonder what was wrong with the story.
In any case, I welcome feedback, short or detailed, so perhaps somebody could tell me what they think. Any comments or constructive criticism would be greatly appreciated.
How the fuck did this get 3 stars? It was work at least 4, great writing. But maybe the subject was a little weak.
Not sure how to change the subject at this stage, but I have made a few changes and split one long chapter into two medium-sized ones. Hopefully, that should make it less intimidating-looking.
So he beats Rainbow Dash by using an unusual flying style and playing on her emotions. It almost certainly wouldn't work a second time, but then it doesn't have to, does it.
That's really clever writing right there.
Added a new chapter. I've also edited Chapter 2 to make Rainbow Dash's defeat a little more credible, and Applejack's wager less OOC.
Comment 4: Thanks!
the writing style is fine. Just a few slips here and there.
But i have issues with the plot. Unfortunately, you wrote about an OC pony which everyone DOESN'T love beating up the mane 6 chcaracters- which everyone DOES love. So... it becomes rather frustrating to read.
Y U CANCEL FIC
Sorry for the late response. I kinda ignored this fic after I cancelled it.
Comment 6: Yeah, I sent it off for proofreading at ponychan and they pretty much said the same thing.
Comment 7: Whoa! Down, Fluttershy, down! I cancelled it for two reasons. One: so that I could focus on my other fanfics instead. Two: Humble's a Gary Stu, and badly. Unless there's a way to rewrite his character without making it necessary to create a whole new fanfic - like have an intro scene where young Humble gets thrown off the farm and his jealous heart gets possessed by Discord or some evil godlike entity or something (which sounds crazy) - I can't see how I'm going to save this story. www.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/applecry.png
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Not gonna lie: I'm disappointed that this won't finish, as well.
Personally, there's no saying you can't salvage Humble's character this late in the story. Pinkie's creation of challenges that attempt to penetrate that tough, Gary Sue-esque shell of his could solve pretty much all of your problems at the same time. She tends to spontaneously flutter from subject to subject, and that might work perfectly as a means of revealing both characters' past experiences on the rock farm. Basically, a match to the death gradually becomes a walk down memory lane, leading to the same sort of narrative circumstances that made the Great and Powerful Trixie slightly less of a pompous jerk in "Boast Busters."
Those are just my two cents, which don't count for much if you don't even have the drive to finish the story. Thanks for sharing, anyway, and I can't wait to read your future stuff.