EQUESTRIA GIRLS: Sunset's Not-Saga

by Soufriere

07 - The Montage

“So, you’re telling me something is seriously wrong with the world?” Sunset asked her new friend as they walked down the well-worn stone path.

“Yes,” replied Sonata, her blue ponytail swaying in the slight breeze. “Nothing about this timeline is right. You shouldn’t be here. I definitely shouldn’t be here. It’s, like, the worst. Worse than that time I added dried ghost pepper to the regular salsa.”

Sunset tried but failed to suppress a snicker. “I bet that was quite the adventure for those poor suckers. Good thing I didn’t go to the Barn that day then.”

“Miz Big Beulah tried to beat me with a leather belt but Mister Hot-Plate stopped her.,” Sonata said with some degree of guilt as the two reached the outskirts of a quaint village made up mostly of thatched roof cottages.

For the moment, no Trogdor appeared.

They both looked at it in confusion since, just five minutes earlier, they had been in the heart of a medium-sized city.

“What in the world?” Sunset asked no one in particular.

“See?” Sonata responded. “Something is seriously wrong here. Where’s your apartment building? Where’s the school? Where’s the plot?”

Sunset scratched her chin for a moment before speaking. “This looks like Ponyville. I’ve never been there myself, but it perfectly fits the descriptions I’ve been given.”

Sonata shrugged as they walked down the road into Ponyville. Along the way, they saw various humanoids standing around looking extremely flat despite the depth of the setting. Eventually they reached a large house-like structure with trim and roof decked out in fake sweets. Next to the front door hung a shingle depicting a cupcake.

“You hungry?” Sunset asked.

Sonata shook her head no.

“Eh,” said Sunset with a shrug. “Let’s go in anyway.”

Once they did, they discovered Pinkie Pie in the middle of the lobby area looking very flat. Nearer the counter, a baby alligator stared into the unknown. Pinkie ignored Sunset and Sonata, preferring to address her pet instead.

“Hey. Gummy. How’s it hangin’?” she asked in an extremely robotic voice.

In response, Gummy began to glow with a bright aura that quickly enveloped him, complete with a sound not unlike a jet plane passing overhead. Once it dissipated, Gummy sported a full head of golden spiky hair. While Sunset and Sonata looked at each other in shock, Pinkie seemed decidedly nonplussed.

“No more chocolate cake for you, Mister,” she said without a hint of emotion.

“We should leave,” said Sonata. Sunset nodded in agreement.

The two girls opened the door to leave, whereupon Sonata spied with her little eye her workplace/home, the Burrito Barn, a dozen or so yards away. She let out a happy gasp and a barely perceptible squee. However, before they could leave, a girl entered, shoving them aside. Her two-dimensional existence was like a moving wall. She had rainbow-coloured hair and pale blue skin. She also wore a hockey mask. Sonata and Sunset knew exactly who the girl was. So did Pinkie.

“Rainbow Dash,” Pinkie said. “What brings you to my sugary home?”

At that, Rainbow Dash reached down below the frame and reemerged with a nail-bat. When she spoke, her voice was uncharacteristically feminine and not-gravelly.

“The Holy Void,” replied Rainbow Dash simply before charging Pinkie and promptly beating the ever-loving crap out of her.

After a few moments just staring at the spectacle with their mouths agape, Sonata spoke first. “We should do something.”

“Should we do something?,” Sunset asked, clearly unwilling to step in.

“We should do something!” reiterated Sonata.

“Yeah no, I’m not gonna rehash a Watchers Fourth Wall joke here,” Sunset said, bored. “Let’s just see what happens.”

As Sunset and Sonata proceeded to do exactly that, a very flat Twilight Sparkle heard the nearby carnage and jumped ever so slightly.

“Oh no?” Twilight exclaimed in the form of a question. “Pinkie Pie is in trouble.”

Sonata turned to Sunset. “Isn’t that kind of an understatement?”

Sunset shrugged her shoulders.

“Spike…” Twilight said as she turned to her assistant, who was not a dog but rather a grumpy-looking young dragon with Pegasus wings and a Unicorn’s horn, “I’m going to go and get Princess Celestia.”

“Princess? This ought to be interesting,” said Sunset with a scoff.

As Twilight exited the scene, heroic music blared from out of nowhere as she made her way through a montage designed to make her appear as if she had embarked upon a long, harrowing journey from Ponyville to Appleloosa to the Crystal Empire to the El Capitan mountain back to Ponyville and then to Canterlot’s Royal Mile when in fact every single set-piece had been placed nearby and she only travelled about two hundred yards, if that. Sunset and Sonata watched the spectacle from a safe distance.

“I can’t tell if Twilight knows she’s walking through a bad montage, or if we’re just supposed to accept what we’re seeing,” said Sonata, thoroughly confused.

“I don’t care,” Sunset replied. “I’m more concerned about the music. Way too good for her. Also the real Ponyville is nearly a day’s train ride from Canterlot Terminal. Oh. Looks like she reached the Palace in just a few seconds. Gotta love a montage.”

Sonata suddenly bore a look of concern. “You haven’t seen the Princess in years, right?”

“Right,” Sunset agreed. “But I get the distinct feeling I won’t be seeing Her today if your theory is even close to being true.”

In the Canterlot Palace Throne Room with its gold-trimmed long red carpet stood a woman who was very obviously a humanoid Princess Celestia, bedecked in a pink business suit and her hair done up in a bun. She resembled neither the regal horse from Sunset’s distant memories nor the extremely normal principal from Sunset’s more recent memories. This Celesita stood flatly, facing away from the entrance as Twilight slowly approached, sliding on her side across the carpet.

“What is she—?” Sonata began to ask before Sunset extended a finger to shut her up.

“Princess Celestia,” said Twilight with all the emotion of a turnip, “Pinkie Pie is in terrible peril. You have to help me save her.”

Celestia said nothing, though Sunset was not at all surprised by the eventual response.

From this timeline’s princess came forth a loud, sustained, genuinely impressive fart.

Comments

[HB_DS2013]

The cover art just screams dank memes.

[FanOfMostEverything]

And so the madness continues. Sitting back and watching is probably a viable option... for a while. Sunset and Sonata really should do something at some point. The question is what.