- Member Since 8th Sep, 2018
- offline last seen 2 hours ago
KriegsKorps4Death
"I ask you, what is the price of a mile? I tell you, it doesn't matter. For we seek redemption, no prize is too small. Only in death, only in sacrifice can we find atonement. This, is our litany."
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So, some thoughts.
You don't need to restate the events of the comic at the start, imo. It's best to hit the ground running with your own material.
The Fluttershy/Rarity phone call was... Well it was certainly a thing that happened. Lulz, it's that easy huh?
Gilda. Fuckingggggggggggggggggggg Gilda. Why is it always Gilda? She doesn't even exist in EqG, people just use her as some big dumb violent gorilla caricature to make Sunset's life worse. A featureless plot device would be equally effective and a lot less frustrating.
All that said, this isn't nearly as bad as most AAM fics I've read. There are no major mechanical errors and the prose/dialogue is serviceable. Given the tags and description, I'm concerned this is gonna turn into one of those kaizo stories where Sunset revives as some bloodthirsty demon monstrosity and it devolves into a series of memey revenge porn chapters. Guess we'll see.
Oh, and you definitely do not need the Gore tag on here for the first chapter. As far as it is right now, this is a T-rated story, through and through.
The set up of telling what happened in the comics was enough I say. It set it all up properly and was used to showcase Sunset's thought process. I kinda want to know where the journal is and what the heck happened to Sunset. That, that just seems like a really weird way to die.
*reads summary*
....what?
You said there be hints to what happening to the students.
Please no give a satisfying answer or something rather then stinking hints.
that no different then a scene Sunset leaves and what happens to the others...Well use your imagination crap bit.
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Protip for the author: if someone has managed to fit multiple run-on sentences into such a short comment, listening to their writing advice will end badly.
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Yeeeah, sorry 'bout that. My descriptions definitely have room to improve, it should already be a bit more cleaner now.
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The journal is going to make a reappearance fairly soon. As for the matter of Sunset/'s death, that is going to take more time to completely clear up. And yes it is a weird and sudden way to die (blame my head for that scene in particular), which I hope adds a little to the mystery behind the reason for all this.
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Gilda does have somewhat of a bad rep in these kind of stories. In this one she is just another of the targets of AAM and one of those who act out, though she did have an actual reason and plan for her attack. Can't say that I have an actual role planned for her, but she is still going to appear next chapter.
And don't worry, this will definitely not have any porn in it.
Other than that, thank you for the criticism and your personal thoughts.
Joker: Just one bad day.
Hmmm, suspect to say the least.
Is she actually dead? They never found her body yet they recovered all the others. Plus it's not like she's a magical being from another dimension or something... oh wait.
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]
hmmm na, something like that would neeever happen. And magical being, another dimension? Pft, as if such things would ever influence such things.
[Small correction, they only fully recovered two bodies, most likely the ones driving. They can assume it were five in total because they have records of how many medics where in the car + patient. So in essence three bodies were not recovered. Still, you're not wrong
Respect for giving Gilda actual character traits in this chapter. Too many authors treat her as an angry punchy goon with no personality at all.
Aside from a few errors here and there, this is pretty good for an AAM fic so far. Definitely better than average. That said, I'm kinda concerned that it's gonna devolve into one of those spooky scary demon Sunset slaughterfest revenge fantasy fics, but to be fair you pleasantly surprised me with this chapter. Here's hoping you continue to do so.
Someone recognized Aria from the past.
Wanted to try and have a sort of proggressive writing from the perspective of the red girl. At first, everything is very short and basic, things like windows or buildings are not fully realized and so on; the goal is to kinda show how her mind slowly settles down and basic knowledge and functions return to proper capacity. So with proggressing time, paragraphs from her perspective would become more and more normal in description and choice of words.
Did it work?
...................................................................HHHHHHHHHHHHUUUHHHHHHHHH???!
Will you ever go back to the school? I really want to see how that Stubborn mule of a bitch AppleJack reacted to the truth. that she was a failure of a friend.,
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It was just a stylistic choice for how things from her perspective was written. Imagine her perspective like a drawing, if you will. At first, everything is very sketchy and blurry and you can only guess some of the shapes. Then as time goes on, the image becomes sharper and more defined, more objects are settled in.
As for your question at last chapter, I won't go back to the school itself. Instead, students (most of all the rainbooms) will make appearance throughout. That would kinda show a bit how they are dealing and moving on from all this.
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Maaybe?
I mean, the tags don't really make it a mystery. Not that I even tried to keep the identity of Ari hidden.
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Right on
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Yeah sorry it was just confusing to me.
On the other bit I'm glad, but I seriously doubt ever see the CMC confess even years later.
With the hints on Rarity and Fluttershy, the aftermath must of been devastating to them.
I can see AppleJack being far worst, as she was being stubborn and blinding herself to the truth till was shoved in her face.
I really hope in the aftermath the sisters spent even less time or if they did, was horrible as they have to bare first hand witness to see them suffer with the guilt and misery.
aria here why, ok now am really interested in this.
I'm curious about who took her journal and why, as well as left trash in her locker. I mean they'd have to know it held some kind of value to Sunset because to the unknowing, it's just a journal.
When is the next chapter coming along?
What happened to the other Dazzlings? also seems Pinkie's back to normal...or so I think. She seems back, but is her hair still straight or she only happy a few times?
Also what ever happen to Shy, she wound up in a hospital or a mental one?
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you‘ll have to find out
Well, can‘t tell you
What I can say is that Flutters just had to spent a few days recovering in a normal hospital. All the stress and bad news caused her to break down, last I wrote she was resting to slowly recover her strength.
Loved it
Though it raises so many more questions. Can't wait for the next chapter!
Love this and how you write marble is adorable and slightly sad I mean I choose to work 3rds because I don't like people they make me uncomfortable but dam it's cranked to 11 with the poor girl
Seems someone's putting the pieces together. I wonder who the red eyes belong to because I'm sure Aria's eyes aren't red.
AppleBitch and Pinkie didn't recognize Sunset?
Also disappointed wanted to know about what happen inthe aftermath.
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Nope. I would say that is not just because the difference in skin colour and that Dawn has more red in her hair than Sunset, but mainly because their minds are convinced of Sunset‘s death and thus any similarities would be a coincidence in their eyes.
Wait thier dead? That's sad I was hoping for aria to make amends or something!
Ugh that's upsetting can't wait for more to see what's going on and how the girls are dealing with sunsets 'death'
But also who the red eyes are.
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What was dawns skin color again?
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Cardinal red to be precise
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Yeah a shade like that'd definitely make a big difference.
So they don't actually have a body to bury??? They only found two from the ambulance?
minor error
This story interests me.
Great chapter still bummed out about the other 2
Also you'd think they'd be more sorry about everything. Sounds like they arnt really sorry to begin with
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Yeah, sadly their fate was already set in stone from the start.
As for the others, they definitely mourned. And some (FS and Rarity mainly) still feel sorry since they weren’t there for her. The other three do too of course, but everyone is moving on at a different pace. Also does not help that they don’t see a connection between the death and their own actions, so they are not sorry for sth they don’t think they caused. If that makes sense.
Also thank you, glad you like it.
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bullcrap! they better freaking figure that out or I'm going to be mad XD
they deserve to suffer!
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Than maybe this guy have a method of teaching them of personal responsibility and accountability?
i.ytimg.com/vi/jCMNWAJiz5Y/maxresdefault.jpg
PS: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA....!
Yay hope to see more gilda! More of her!
Gilda got to steppin' super quick. You know she didn't want that dance.
Looks like Aria is finally putting two and two together and who the hell she really is
Will the other two Dazzlings appear in this story?
Seems Aria is possibly trying to awaken something
(or someone) that should probably remain asleep for all sakes and purposes.
That comment she made about Rarity and Fluttershy knowing where the cemetery is probably burned something fierce.
Poor SciTwi, a scientist through and through. Just can't leave well enough alone.
Hey..........you ever going to actually doa bit on Apple Jack? I means he was so stubborn to think Sunset could be innocent, it wasn't until that last message after Sunset died did she finally see the truth.
But you never did the reactions ro anything and what about th CMC how theyr eac to knowing they help kill someone?
I want to see the rainbooms react to arias words
Watch out for relentless, would-be scientists Aria.
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Indeed probably to sci twi's machine dawn right now would be quite the beacon.
Was not expecting that!
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They're dead Jim!
Congrats on writing a very interesting and good story. I can't wait to read more.
Well that happened! Hopefully Sunset remembers all the good Aria has done for her. Now to see what she does with CHS!