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A princess from a magical land, with fiery hair, ruby lips and eyes that could melt stone. Rarity's diary reads like a fairytale. But something we tend to forget as we grow is how rarely fairytales end happily.
An entry for the third and final Sunset Shipping Contest.
Preread by forbloodysummer and Wanderer D.
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I love the bleak finality of that last line. Not an 'I hope I don't regret this,' or 'I hope I can bear the inevitable anguish,' but a full-on 'I hope I don't miss her.' Even Adagio in last year's entry probably missed Sunset a little, even though that breakup was the best thing to happen to her, but Rarity properly goes for the jugular here in how much she wants Sunset excised from her life. To repeat: I love it!
Mean Girls has taught me that only the most wonderful people in the school get hit by traffic.
An exqusitiely crafted journey. You said a lot with a little, and to devastating effect. Thank you for it. Best of luck in the judging.
That was a chilling ending, and I do so love how you developed the relationship between Sunset and Rarity. I've never considered the idea of Sunset being the fairytale princess to Rarity, but it just fits so we'll that I can't believe I never thought of it before. Bravo, and good luck with the contest!
How can you ruin a Sunset Rarity ship!? You monster! Enjoyable read though.
The actual tragedy of the whole thing still gives me chills. What could have happened if Rarity had gone with her? Would Sunny have slowly become a better mare? We will never know, now.
9831062 That, uh... that question raises some alarm signals for me, from an abusive relationship perspective? It's not Rarity's job to make Sunset a better person. That's not something that should be put on anyone else.
I agree that it would probably be a net gain for Equestria if Sunset behaved better, but I would like to clarify that the tragedy is that she doesn't become better, not that Rarity isn't there to inspire her to be.
Intriguing start- was surprised at the number of chapters until I saw it was a diary.
I like your writing style, it has that almost whimsical, storybook air to it.
For some reason that last line--that last image--that really pulled me in, there's something enchanting about it.
9831161 I don't think we're thinking the same thing. I think Sunny legit loved/cared for Rarity, and that her presence would have helped Sunny turn into a better person eventually, but it won't happen. That is not an abusive behavior of any sort. Sunset was not abusing Rarity , nor was Rarity at any point telling herself that only she could heal/help Sunset. Hence the tragedy as I see it. The way I look at the ending, Rarity did that last thing out of desperation to cut her ties, not because Sunset abused her either, but rather because she saw what Sunset was doing to others.
9831182 I can see a lot of that, yeah. But...
I mean, Sunset did repeatedly lie to Rarity, discourage Rarity from investigating to learn the truth, push someone into traffic to further prevent it coming out, and try to persuade Rarity to abandon her family and support network to help her gain power. So, while she was definitely meaner to others in the story, she still behaved with Rarity in a way that would legally be considered abusive.
Suggesting someone should stay with a bad person to make them into someone better isn't ok. Never mind the lies and the deceit, how long until Sunset did try something physical with Rarity? Again, this is a person who put a bystander in hospital when she feared losing control of her relationship. That's not someone others should be around, especially not those emotionally blinded to her flaws.
And so I'm uncomfortable with your suggestion that Rarity leaving is the tragedy here, because I think that puts the onus on her to stay. I think the onus should instead be on Sunset to be better.
9831197 I think we're generally agreeing on the same thing, but I'm not explaining myself properly. I don't have issues with your argument there at all, which I think is indicative of this.
9831200 I hope so
9831016
Mean Girls teaches us that they'll get hit in the best way possible, too.
This line killed me.
9831299 media.giphy.com/media/xT9KVrECVM10x9vWtq/giphy.gif
9831305
cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/507771626121723904/622203305224962060/Just_as_Planned.jpg
Thanks for reading, and for adding this to your bookshelf
9831176
Thank you for saying! I wouldn't call this my usual style--I think I usually go for moody over whimsical--but this one was meant to be a much more detached narrative voice, so storybook air is a great way to describe it.
Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed beyond the intriguing start
9831025
Thanks for reading
9831016
I'm glad this story took place when it did, then! To say nothing of Sunset's character, the plot would've been literally impossible if Adagio had been at the school.
9831055
I would be Extremely Offended... but I already committed character seppuku when I posted a story with no sirens, so... yeah, I can't complain about being called that.
Thanks for reading, glad you enjoyed
9831062
9831161
It's nice to see discussion happening!
My take on stuff: I think that to a degree, whether Sunset's affections for Rarity are genuine or not, Rarity isn't the kind of person who could make Sunset better if she tried; at this point in Sunset's timeline, I'd say the thing she respects and values the most is power, and Rarity... doesn't really have much of the sort that Sunset's keen on. I think it's an important detail that, in canon, the people who did eventually get through to her and make her change had to overpower and humble her first.
I suppose it's not completely out of the question for Rarity to do something similar--one of the things I liked about ending this story with Rarity breaking the mirror was that, once she realized what kind of situation she was in, she found a solution and threw a wrench in Sunset's schemes by outwitting her. So maybe if she'd gone with Sunset, she'd have eventually found a way to sabotage Sunset more explosively and that would get Sunset's attention, but short of that I doubt her presence would have been a calming influence on Sunset, not the way Sunset acts here.
9831478
Thank you for shattering my reader-heart :,)
DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT, SWEETIE!
Sunset, what did you do?
I was gonna say you probably should've compressed this into one chapter, but after finishing it, I think it actually works better this way. You get a pretty good sense of what Rarity's feeling based on a few words and some descriptions of pages, and while it's not entirely clear what Sunset did, it's pretty clear that Rarity made the right decision. Poor Lyra.
9831007
Interesting observation! I think it helps that, here, Sunset really is, as far as Rarity's concerned, gone for good. Portal's
gone, she's not coming back ever. In LiP… well, not only was the relationship, I would say, more loving and (mostly) genuine for a time, but Sunset's still out there, so a reconciliation or another meeting isn't totally impossible.
9831033
Thanks for reading! I... had not considered that angle for Sunset and Rarity before writing this story, but once it clicked with me that, wow, yeah, Sunset's literally from a fairy tale world and Rarity would be all about that, it totally fell into place. Probably wouldn't have played it up so much if Sunset weren't still evil and stuff, but I think it worked here.
Good luck to you too
9831962
Part of the thinking here was that it'd... well, for one thing, look kinda tacky having so many line breaks so close together, but also that it forces you to read one page at a time instead of getting halfway through one and then skipping--intentionally or otherwise--to the next.
I'm rarely entirely sure when best to divide things into chapters and when not to
Thanks for reading and commenting
The kiss already! I like that because of the diary format, it's not dwelled on or heavily romanticized.
Now I'm seeing how Rarity could spin this into a fairytale princess ideal, wouldn't have thought of it but makes sense!
That imagery is lovely. But that quote, you can already see Sunset's arrogance, even now.
Holy crap, I was not expecting that ending. Something like it, for sure, but nothing that... like that. Kudos
9834829
To be honest, I hadn’t expected that ending either, not until the story was pretty close to done, but once I had most of it down, it seemed to click nicely into place.
Thanks for reading, really glad you enjoyed it
These little snippets from Sweetie Belle add such a nice touch... and dang! Wasn't expecting that, poor Lycra, and how very suspicious...
I'm kinda shocked it's already over, those last few chapters flew by (well, they all did, I suppose).
That ending packed a nice emotional punch.
Confession though... I read some of the fic comments before finishing the story and thought the 'I hope I don't miss her' was going to be a play on words that Rarity was going to try and run her over with a car... I'm only slightly disappointed that's not where it went
But really, this was a lovely winding little story, great premise, I actually like the chapter breakups (breakup, geddit?) and an understated romance between these two.
Well done, and good luck in the contest!
9850189
😱😱😱😱😱
… that's okay, I know I'm guilty of the same now and then
You know, some of the inspiration for this idea came from a moderately intense song, so waaay back when the proto-idea was tumbling about in my head, I'd pictured a much more climactic conclusion where something of that intensity wouldn't have been out of place
Sorry to disappoint on that front, though.
Thanks for reading! I've really enjoyed seeing you commenting on so many chapters--and you're reminding me that I read your entry but have not yet commented, so I will rectify that when I have time
Oh, bitch!
Along with being one of the absolute most original stories on this website, that is a KILLER final sentence. I got chills. Marvelous, brava!
9856065
I wish I got more comments that opened like this
:3
I don't think there's anything for me to say beyond, "This one made me exhale for about fifteen seconds--how nicely tied together."
Finally got to reading this. For some reason, I had a perception that it was much longer, so whenever I had a spare hour or so, I thought it wasn't enough time. Now that I've read it... well, everyone else seems to be spoilering things, so I will too.
I'll break it down in two parts: the story itself and how it's told.
The plot here is great. Others have said that the ending comes about rather quickly, and it does, but that mirrors Rarity's experience of it. I'm not someone who reads between the lines especially well, so I may have missed some things. It seems more like Rarity decided to break up because of Sunset's attitude toward Celestia. It's also implied that Sunset had something to do with Lyra's accident, but I don't think Rarity ever decided such. It's still plausible to present it that way, since it's something that would be on Rarity's mind. Of course she'd write about friends in her diary, so while it's what may be irrelevant to Sunset as far as Rarity knows, it's still consistent with what she'd write.
It's a little curious that it isn't marked AU, since we know the portal isn't broken in this fashion. There's also an arc, but I can't remember whether it's from the EqG shorts or the comics, about Sunset meeting the girls when she first arrived and learning things about them that she could use against them. Nobody really considers the comics to be that canon, so changing that wouldn't call for an AU tag in my book. I do wonder if you intend this to be canon though and how it would fit.
I'm not sure what it adds to have the two entries from Sweetie Belle. I think all the information she provides is what a reader would assume anyway, but it's also stuff Rarity herself could write about. She might notice her sister was trying to talk to her but had something stopping her. The reader would still get what sentiment was going on. I'm going to revisit this in a bit.
Now, to how the story is told. I'll break that into two parts as well: format and delivery.
The epistolary format itself works nicely. Not everyone puts much thought into how letters or journals should go, and I have a long list of gripes against stories that do it badly. Here, you're only occasionally presenting quoted dialogue, focusing more on having Rarity summarize what happened. Of course, this is how real people write diaries, so it comes across as more authentic. I don't know that real people use ellipses that liberally in a diary, but that's a minor point.
In delivery, the narrator was the one thing that threw me about the story, and for several reasons.
With epistolary stories, usually the written material is left to speak for itself. Yet we have a narrator presenting it to us. That's different, but not untenable. However, it left me with a lot of questions that are kind of unsettling not to have answered, and not ones about the plot.
I'll bring Sweetie Belle back in here. Her entries serve to tell me things that Rarity doesn't (but in my opinion could), yet the narrator is doing this in full force. You essentially have two separate mechanisms performing the same function, an I wonder whether it would have been better to concentrate on one.
Sweetie Belle's entries at least have a subtlety to them that was the strength of the last letter. You didn't explicitly say what Rarity had done or why, but it was hinted at enough to figure out. That worked to the story's favor. Likewise, Sweetie Belle expresses some concerns about Rarity's behavior, but she doesn't come to any conclusions, leaving the reader to infer that.
The narrator also points out things indicative of what's happening, but it's far more explain-y than Sweetie Belle, not only telling me what characteristics to notice about the letter, but what I should conclude from them. I've seen stories that have such a visual aspect to them actually handwrite the entries so that the author can manage whether the writing is neat or messy, what the doodles in the margins are, what condition the paper is in, and all that, for the reader to see and interpret. (Then, of course, have to compile it all in a text chapter at the end so the story can meet FiMFic's 1000-word minimum.) I think it would have been cool to present the story in that way, except that a lot of the detail that the narrator is remarking on isn't something many readers would notice or ascribe any importance to. I wonder if it wouldn't be more effective to replace Sweetie Belle's entries with more of that narration explaining what moods Sweetie Belle is noticing, or if it would suit you better to tone down how much outright explaining the narrator is doing (or possibly go without a narrator altogether) and let Sweetie Belle be the one to tackle that material.
Another thing I usually look for in a story is the narrator's motive. In an omniscient narration, the narrator's only motive is to factually describe what's happening. In a limited narration, there's an additional requirement that whoever holds the perspective would be in a mindset to mention something at all.
For an example, it wouldn't make sense for a limited narrator engaged in a life-or-death fight to take a full paragraph to note how beautiful the distant mountains are. Another common one is how authors like to give detailed physical descriptions of characters, but it takes specific circumstances to establish why a perspective character's thoughts and attention would be on saying what their own eye color is or what their best friend's typical hairstyle is. It has to make sense that it'd be relevant to the current action enough that the viewpoint character would be taking note of it.
Your narrator expresses lots of opinions and makes lots of judgment calls, so it's limited. But it isn't Rarity, even though it sounds a lot like her voice at times. It says things Rarity wouldn't know or admit, plus Rarity wouldn't have knowledge of Sweetie Belle's writing. So it leaves me wondering who this narrator is, and bringing back around the topic I started this part with, what their motivation is. They've collected these specific entries because they want me to see them, but why? Do they want me to learn a lesson from this cautionary tale? This puts me in mind of "Lost Cities" (because everybody uses it as a reference anyway), where there's a very dispassionate narrator presenting only the facts to me and letting me come up with an interpretation, but when the narrator is providing that interpretation and has taken some agency in organizing what material they want me to see, it makes me question what their motivation is.
So, overall:
Plot: excellent, and nicely tragic. The pacing to get me there feels natural, and the last line was very effective. Maybe it should be AU?
Character: I already knew you had a knack for voicing characters like Adagio and Sunset, who are intelligent and crafty, and with Rarity, it just requires a dose of naivete and less (but not an absence of) ill will, which you managed well. Her writing sounds well suited to her.
Format: The diary entries themselves adhere to what's reasonable to expect of a real one, so it does a convincing job of representing one. That's not a trivial thing, as many authors think writing a standard narrative and slapping a "dear diary" on the front is enough.
Delivery: This was an odd bird for me, and while I think most readers can roll with it, I'm not sure it's better than the alternative. There's kind of a redundancy with Sweetie Belle's function, I don't know who the narrator is or why they've collated this stuff for me, and it may go too far in telling me how to interpret aspects of the writing.
I've only read a couple of other entries, so I have no idea how it compares to all of them, but it's definitely a very good entry, and I wouldn't be surprised to see it among the winners. I don't vote on many stories, just because I don't read them in a context where I feel it's appropriate for me to, but you've earned an upvote from me, and it's a story I'll be recommending to others.
I caught this one on the recommendation post by Present Perfect. I haven't read that many epistolary stories, but they are always a delight for an alternative way of storytelling. This one in particular I liked how it gave us a narrative with bread crumbs from page to page. I also like that last line by Rarity. Perhaps part of what drew these two together. Just like how Sunset did something drastic for selfishness, Rarity did something drastic to spare others.
9947556
I haven't either, but apparently I'm a big fan of writing them
Would highly recommend Yours Truly, if you're keen to read more.
Thanks for reading and commenting, I'm really glad you enjoyed it
9946859
Thanks for taking the time to comment--I really appreciate how much detail you put into your feedback! I found myself agreeing with a lot of it.
Regarding whether this is an AU or not, I honestly didn't think about whether that tag fit or not, by the time I was close to done with this. The term did get thrown around a bit when I was hashing out the broader details, but the first draft was wildly different from the final product, so by the time I was wrapping it up, I'd sort of not thought about that detail in a while. And I'll admit I'm unsure what the standards are for calling a story an AU one. I'd say that every fanfiction that's really worth writing diverges from the canon universe in some way, but obviously some go a lot further with it, and I'd say that the AU tag ought to be reserved for more extreme cases.
In this particular instance: the point where I would say that this story goes into full-blown AU territory is at the very end. Up until then, it's taking some liberties, sure, but most of those come about from the plot developing as opposed to being integral to the premise. There is one detail in the premise that's a significant divergence (Rarity being there when Sunset came through the portal), but I don't think that's a particularly severe one, since it could have happened in the canon universe, it just didn't. And while there is a much larger divergence later on (Rarity breaking the mirror), I think I'd say the story is much more about why Rarity chose to do that than it's about exploring the consequences of that decision.
So, to me, adding an AU tag here would be sort of like adding a Comedy tag to a story because it has a quippy line. I can see where the reasoning there is coming from, though.
The points about narration are interesting. And I think the main takeaway there is that I should think about my own writing decisions more, because I'd never really considered that the narrator was a character or had a motive. The Lost Cities comparison, I'd say is fitting, since from the moment I decided on the story's format, the term going through my head was "Lost Cities but it's a teenage girl's diary." And I realize the narration here, yeah, probably feels more opinionated than Lost Cities's does, but I didn't do that with the intent of making it be limited-perspective.
In which case, yeah, that part of the writing not being clear is pretty fair criticism, and I'm glad you thought to point it out.
As for the pages from Sweetie's diary... yeah, I'm willing to believe those didn't add too much. If there was one part of the story I was a little iffy about, it was that. Looking back on them, I'd like to think that they aren't a complete waste of space, but if that's how I'm talking about several hundred words in a story under 4000 total, that's probably when I should be thinking about cutting them. I disagree a little with the notion that similar ideas could've been worked into the narration--to me, that'd make the story's format less consistent and probably feel pretty janky, but that's me.
Thanks again for writing this all out. I really wish I got more comments like this one.
Whooo. Sunset's Isekai brought me here, so, I knew the conclusion, but still... whooo.
This was extremely well built up, and in a really original format.
Well done.
10009893
That is good to hear! I was definitely a bit worried how well this would work for people who read the Isekai entry first, since I figured that story would get a lot more views than this one. So it's really nice to hear that it worked for you!
This is something I'm not sure I can completely agree with, because to me this story's formatting is very much a bit of one story plus a bit of another with a dash of a third
But I appreciate the praise just the same. Thanks for reading, and for taking the time to comment
10009909
Heh. I usually take the time to comment in detail per chapter... but these were really short chapters, and it ended up being a real page turner
10148806
?
10148818
Sunset did and/or does do something bad, yes.
Thanks for reading and favoriting