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Urban Planner, TV Tropes contributer, and writer on the side.


Featured January 27, 2019

After Equestria and Earth make contact, an American military officer arrives to discuss military strategies with the Bearers of the Elements of Harmony and the Princesses.

To say he is less then impressed with their plans is an understatement.

Set between Season 2 and Season 3.

This is a separate story from Are Humans Evil? and its sequel.

Chapters (8)
Comments ( 105 )

"Oh god! What monsters have I created?" Colonel Hansen thought to himself in terror as the two sisters continued to laugh.

this is why you teach gun safety and the fact that guns sometimes don't solve everything

Makes you wonder if guns once existed in Equestria, but they was just kept hidden from Celesita and Luna.

That took a massive turn at the end.

Idiot ponies for lacking of military. Idiot human for misplaced warding.

Welp... that pretty much sums up American foreign policy and its results since the turn of the century.

Edit: I forgot about Indians. We’ve been doing this since before America was officially a nation. Hooray for allegories!!!

But you know what solves everything? Nuclear bombardment, there's no problems if there's no one to have problems.

"Look your Majesties, I know you don't approve of death," Hansen said somewhat regretfully.

They neither approve nor disapprove --- they've forgotten about it.

"I always pictured all of us together in a free love relationship." Pinkie Pie said idly. Fluttershy's faced turned red and she began breathing heavily at the thought.

...*Loads a quad barrel bazooka*

"We shall save the day!" Princess Luna said dramatically. The other ponies in the crowd cheered wildly at the arrival of their saviors. The two of them looked nervously at the rampaging Diamond Dog, before looking uneasily at each other, while the assembled ponies looked them expectantly.

Shoot him...kill him...DESTROY HIS FACE WITH BULLETS!

"Who needs friendship when we have one of these things," Luna said, pulling out her pistol with her magic. A shot accidentally went off in her telekinetic grasp.

She's right. Sombra could be defeated by a nuke, Cozy? Nuke her. Chryssalis? Nuke it! Actually, all types of enemies could be defeated by a nuke. Grogar? He has a bell, NUUUUKE IT~

I wonder if someone should have told the good Colonel about wendigos before he went to Equestria. Turning Equestria into a warzone makes it ripe breeding ground for those icy little buggers, and bullets aren't going to do much against incorporeal spirits.

Heat + wimdy = no cold, cloudy body? Maybe not dead but dispersed.

Flamethrowers. (Also, forming an angry mob to murder someone for looking different is actually in white's slice of the color pie)

this, made me laugh. i laughed far too much for what is going on. you created something amazing

Gee, I wonder why ponies don’t use guns? But seriously, he should have made them go to a class concerning guns, it’s things like this that made those classes a mandatory thing.

At least no one showed these two immortal Alicorns the movie Highlander.

Like a child to a new toy, the Equestrians took to war and violence with fascination and glee

Colonel, what have you done?

I swear, Chris Hansen is gonna get a new TV show if pony's and guns become more of a thing.

Remember kids, necromancy is a thing

This can only end well
As in a perfect excuse to invade and take their oil

Well I wouldn't say thier not familiar with killing and death. After all granny Smith passed away, and the element completely obliterated sombra into atoms.

I think the ponies are going to ripped themselves apart. (Is tear a correct way to spell it?)

And this is just conventional warfare. Think what the ponies-no, all of their planet's reaction to not so imaginary weapons such as kinetic penetrators or particle beams.

It's not the invention want, but it's the one we need.


In all seriousness, something like that could seriously injure someone and damage the floor.

Well, intended way of using this contraption is to stick business end into burrow, which seems like at least remotely sane :rainbowlaugh:
Maybe guy who filed it was joking, but device actually works and patent seems legit. Although, yeah, first thing that I encountered while googling for that patent was a popular youtube video of a guy building (and using) shotgun trap for gophers that could easily kill his cat/dog/cow/kid.

Slowly but surely, there's going to be nothing left.

Let's be honest. We all know that wasn't really an accidental discharge. That was Celestia being merciful enough to let Sunset's final emotion be a kindling of hope. Some might call it cruel, but ignorance is bliss, and she died instantly from the shot to the head. All according to plan. Still, at the end of the day, Sunset had alienated herself from Celestia to the extent she did, and there's no way Celestia couldn't tell how much bullshit she was spewing with what little she was saying, so once she was a corpse on the ground she was worth less than pet food to her.

"It's better to leave the crime scene more spread out. Makes us look like amateurs."

well that just happend...xD

10082363 “According to plan”, my foot! Celestia treats Sunset worse than Cadence or Blueblood. I don’t think the concept of “mercy kill” is in the Equestrian language.

"My poor tablecloth," Celestia said mournfully. "Don't worry baby. I'll get you to a doctor."

I presume all maids are already dead?

Am i the only one here whos mind goes back to the two cops in gravity falls when they finally get tazers

And this proves Celestia truly doesnt understand mortality. Or a safety and trigger discipline.


Celestia works in mysterious ways...

Or something like that.

Imagine how much time could be saved if all friendship problems could be solved this way: it's progress at its finest! c:

*runs away for dear life from ensuing gunfire*

So mysterious even she doesn't know!


I’m really just surprised she made it through the portal without being shot by a cop or something.

I love how simplistic this story is. Basic but hilarious.

I kind of hope Tempest survived.

Grubber, not so much.

"maybe we could, I don't know, pursue economic and social reforms that end the privileges of the nobility and replace the guilds with a free market economy based on fair competition."

Pursue by asking them?


You're right.

"Demand" is a better word.

Aside from that, what did you think of the chapter?

"But...but I have a tragic backstory," Starlight said.

"What is it?"

"Uh...uh," Starlight said, "my best friend moved away."

"Did you ever think of sending him letters?" Fluttershy asked her in an unimpressed tone.

I generally like Starlight, but even I agree that said backstory = this:thumbs.gfycat.com/OptimalImpossibleImperialeagle-size_restricted.gif
P.S.: At least it gave us Sunburst, Firelight, and Stellar Flare.

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