• Member Since 9th Oct, 2017
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IReadYouWrite


You've never seen anyone switch favorites more than this guy...

Comments ( 71 )

Ah yes...



The long awaited sequel that I didn't know I needed.

9780328
Hope it delivers! I had fun with it!

Waiting for another sequel now. My predictions is even Celestia and Canterlot learns those bad words, and Twilight learning what happens starts going on a Rampage.

9780354
I'll get to work on that one. Hope it doesn't take another five months lol

Oh wow, this was fun XD, now let's see what come next, hopefully not in five months T. T.

9780375
I'm still tossing around some ideas, but I hope to get something written soon. This sequel is going to be the hardest for me to write. Thank you for reading and commenting! It means a lot!

9780539
Thank you so much. I lost the URL for it, so this helps me out. Linking it now!

If anything, Twilight will learn that there are those who will manipulate her and her naive "sense of right" for there own ends.

As for poor Smolder and her situation, I don't know how you plan to write the justice system in your story, but there is a possible out for Smolder. I accept that the princesses signature can immediatly implament a law without a vote, but you shouldn't be able to retoactivly punish someone for violating the law before the law was passed. As for the minutes between the law being passed and the confrontation, the public needs to be informed of the new law before taking action. This means announcing the new/changed law and warning the public that any future violation of the law will be punished. You can't just "gottcha" people by blindsighting them with a new law and any fair court would throw this infraction out.

9780617
Wow, that's a good idea for the next sequel. I might actually use some of that.

The intention was the mayor did some sketchy things to get that bill passed. And maybe, just maybe, they were going to find that out and see if what she did was, in fact, legal. I'm glad that you caught onto that. The system is a bit flawed, and will definitely need some fixing in the next part. The trial might address that.

Honestly, I think the legal system here is a bit up for grabs, so I tried to make it unique. As for the case against Smolder, I'm still not entirely sure how to solve that. Thank you so much for your input!

Awesome job, keep up the good work. 👍

9780722
Thank you. That means a lot to me right now.

9780675
As stated before, the circumstances of the conviction are highly suspect and any fair courtroom would dismiss the case. However, with authoritarian figures like this mayor, it would be very likely that she would set up a kangaroo court by ether biasing the judge or making it some sort of private hearing. Whether or not the book is thrown at her is secondary to the social effects her arrest would have on the community. I'm talking civil unrest and panic as protests are organized (likely by the young six), and more authoritative actions are taken to suppress it. I wouldn't be suprised if Celestia get involved if it get too much out of hand.

A statute that allows a law to be immediately made legitimate by simply being signed by a Princess seems incredibly irresponsible and easily abused, as we are shown here

9781442
Exactly. Glad you caught onto that. That will be addressed in the sequel. The central theme of this story is: "think before you act" which nobody is doing.

Look at the mess it's caused. One jailed former student, five other angry ones, a tyrannical, power-hungry mayor, and the list goes on.

I also wrote the series to have Twilight be a hypocrite, and atone for her mistakes. But she's made a lot now.

Ocellus rolled her eyes and smirked. “That’s because I study.”

Ocellus

rolled her eyes

I wonder what changlings look like with pupils...

9781489
There were also a few more instances of the Mayor abusing power, which, incidentally, can be used against her easily in a court of law

9781489
She's unilingually hypercritical, which is typical for someone who acts impulsively based on their own subjective moral compass

9781492
Yep, that's an oversight... my bad. :rainbowlaugh: Thank you for pointing that out.

Fixed it now.

9781496
9781493
Oh, she'll get what's coming for her. Just you wait.

9781503
Of course, and I view Twilight as a victim as well. A guilty victim, but a victim nonetheless. She's too wrapped up in her own moral standings that she couldn't see the bigger picture until it got incredibly out of hand. The red flag should have risen the moment Spike got banned from the public square. That, in of itself, was highly suspect

9781508
Precisely. You nailed it.

9781511
I watch a lot of court cases and Parry Mason

9781512
Ah, so that's why you know this better than me.

I was actually worried someone might come here and tear apart my flawed justice system. I took some liberties to make it purposely dated. Thank you for picking it apart so that I can improve, but keeping it professional and kind. Kudos.

9781547
There's nothing wrong with it being wrong, as long as it's acknowledged and actively fought against and scrutinized. Which I believe is where you're going with this

9781600
That's what I was going for. I'm so glad you get that!

9781603
It actually opens up a whole new case of legal corruption, namely the principle of immediate legality of Royal decree and how long this practice has been in effect.

9781627
I actually think that the "royal decree" aspect of this hypothetical justice system is not the big issue to foucs on. In a legal system that has all powerful rulers, it actually makes sense for there to be a way for a "princess" to bypass the normal system for emergencies where quick action is needed. The conflict in this story 1) a ruler who didn't think or even ask for a second opinion before implementing such an authoritative (non emergency) measure based off of nothing but her own personal moral hang ups, 2) authoritative measure being implamented by a mayor based on nothing other than her own brused pride, and distain for "offensive speech" and apparently dragons, and 3) the retoractive implamentation of punishments for crimes done before the bill was even signed and failure to properly inform the public of the new laws until the arrests were being made.

Chapter 1 was a bit funny but the way this chapter went for the throat of the issue

*Claps* I'm looking forward to the next part and I know it would be a bit of Overkill but could you imagine if the other kingdom's were notified of the issue? (Silverstream telling her mother and the Dragons finding out because one of their citizens was arrested)

Bravo!

9781659
Thank you, this sequel was a bit trickier to write, but still tons of fun.

Oh man, now THAT would be a spectacle. I might consider that. I'm still formulating the next part.

And of course, my imagination got the worse... And I imagine a international incident as the other species accuse Twilight of being Specist and violating their freedom and right of speech, as the group is nearly arrested.

Good story, waiting for the sequel

9781795
Thank you! Working on it. Glad you enjoyed!

Fun fact: This takes place during season 8, before Spike got his wings, and that was when teaching creatures was still foreign to her, so she still holds a bit of bias. She isn't a "specist" but by playing it safe it made her look bad.

9781828

The problem is not if someone is or not is specist, but if others think you are one

9781650
IS it now? Let's analysis that for a moment. Let's say the rulers suddenly have one of their episodes, such as the Nightmare Moon incident, and no one can stop them this time. With but the signing of the dotted line, they could take away your freedoms, your rights. No longer are you allowed to speak out against the rule, no longer do you have a right to privacy. You will be imprisoned, exicuted for such practices.

It doesn't matter how benevolent they are. NO ONE, who is fallible, should have that level of power.

Honestly, I feel like this story is trying too hard to put Smolder in the right here. Like it's okay to yell and scream and cuss and hurt feelings all you want because well fuck everyone, if they don't like it they're obviously incapable of friendship. It's conflating Free Speech with being immune to consequences. That's an entitled, selfish position.

Now, if the story actually cared about a balanced approach, then Princess Twilight would fight to have Smolder released... but then also keep her distance from the students from then on, who need to learn that trampling on the feelings of others leads to them not wanting to be around you. Being an *sshole should lead to people treating you like one, something this story seems to argue is morally wrong.

9781959
Yes. Very true. It is selfish.

And objectively (if this were are one-shot), Smolder would absolutely be in the wrong. But, in this case, she felt justified to protest some unjust policies and rules that the mayor was utilizing with her power. And she felt that the only way to bring attention that was to bring up the issue that the mayor wants to avoid right in the face of everyone.

Yes, words can hurt and they especially do in this story, but the absence of words can hurt the same. If nobody talks, how can we solve anything? She knows how much power those words have and she chose to use them to bring everyone together, rather than separate.

I'm reminded by that one line I wrote near the middle, Ocellus saying something like: "There are many sides to a story..." I think that I can also relate to a moral compass. Is one person ever truly perfect and right all of the time? One side may say yes, others may say no. Smolder's not perfect nor 100% right in this situation, but this story does revolve around her thoughts and experiences most of the time, so it does give an: "I'm Smolder and I'm no way in the wrong" vibe.

I enjoy good criticism and you certainly had a great point. Thank you for sharing your view!

9781889
I 100 percent agree for the most part. I’m not arguing that the policy is appropriate, just that it makes sense in the mlp universe. Remember before Luna returned the only princess with any real power was Celestia. A ruler with over 1000 years of experience. Does this make it a good idea, not really as Twilight just demonstrated, but it’s understandable why the policy was there. After all in a society were the highly worshiped pseudo goddess of the sun is in charge, why would any pony worry about such a policy being abused.

9782221
So make it an outdated statute of law that needs to be analled

“You motherfucker…” Yona growled at Twilight, a death glare in her eyes.

Imagining Yona giving Twilight the thousand-yard stare and quietly saying this is actually pretty funny.

There were a few writing mechanics here that could easily be fixed. Some of it had to do with sentence placement, some had to do with simple things like the usage of horizontal rules toward the end. The story as a whole though... I'm pleasantly surprised. I'm one of those people who just skim the feature box and nitpicks at what's worthwhile and what's not. Seeing the title of this story and reading the description, I was expecting to read an edgefic with not nearly enough in its pocket for me to care. Meanwhile, actually reading it you can find some substantive.

With sensitive topics such as Free Speech, it's very easy to just say, "Lol, everyone is so offended, people should be allowed to say whatever they want." but that would be too telling. Instead, you run with the concept and offer to deconstruct the problem, ripping into its core. You do this by putting Smolder in this situation and having her go through the consequences for something she didn't even intend to happen. The obstruction of Free Speech is a very real thing and one that affects many of us, and having Mayor Mare make a document to obstruct the use of cursing because she didn't want to deal with the protesters showed the shortcuts major figures take so they don't have to deal with the repercussions. Having Twilight sign the documents to pass the law on a whim shows how carelessly mishandled Free Speech laws are.

Toward the end, I was preparing myself for disappointment because I was expecting you to pull an Ex Machina and Smolder would go back to school instead of jail and everyone would be happy. But having the story end where it did made the consequences feel all the more impactful. The way you handled the characters felt very true to the show. Having them just spew random curses would be poor writing, but the way the cursing is written into their dialogue strangely feels like something that works with their characters.

Mechanics-wise, you could use some work, but actual storytelling-wise, you have that down to its core. I look forward to seeing what you do with the sequel. :)

EDIT: I would also say that I agree with 9781959, and that I did get some "I am a victim" vibes from her. You probably could have extended on that and have her grow as a character, but the story ended too quickly for that. I wouldn't let it linger in the next installment, but I would keep the idea in mind for the next time.

lel, I think I'm just getting overanalytical, but I had fun anyways!

9782230
Or amended as I doubt a political system with immortal rulers would completely give up legislative power to bypass a vote. Especially if they argue that they do it to bypass corrupt nobles and politicians. The best I can think of is after Twilight brings up her blunder to Celestia that she amends the elective power to require multiple princesses to rush a law in order to prevent the manipulation of a single princess. (I’m just thinking “in story universe terms”, I too would abolish such an irresponsible policy)

9781959
took the words right outta my mouth. Great input

Damn, didn't expect this shit to get political! Nice story my dude

9782251
Still a bit unfavorable, but a better principle than what is currently instated

9782364
Thanks! I didn't expect it to get super political; it just happened lol

I think you should put it back to incomplete cause you could easily make this into a long fic

9782467
Hmm. Now that's a solid idea...

9782494
you gotta admit that's a pretty big cliffhanger you left us with :eeyup:

9782522
Oh, absolutely. :ajsmug:

I intended to finish it with a third and final sequel, effectively making this a trilogy, but I've received a lot of input on what to do to wrap it up.

The funny thing is: all of those suggested ideas were better than my original plan.

9782250
Now this is some incredibly detailed criticism.

I strive to improve so thank you for input! I love seeing how I can make these stories better. I'll try my best!

I really like this fic, and it’s definitely impacted by how much I dislike Twilight, just in general. I’ve read too many stories with Twilight as a dictator or just plain crazy too many times, and that’s hurt my view of her character in fics.

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