• Published 16th Aug 2019
  • 479 Views, 17 Comments

S.M.I.L.E. For The Camera! - TheGuineaPig45



Shining Armor and Flam just want to crash a wedding. Instead, they get kidnapped, accidentally form a boy band, and stumble into the affairs of a secret spy agency. It's not quite what they had planned.

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Chapter Six: Enter Stallionz V

The entire room was shaking. The ceiling light above them had started to swing, and the glass frames surrounding the pictures that had once been on the wall now shattered. As the stallions clumped together, trembling as they held each other, they prayed for their safety.

And then, like magic, the rumbling stopped.

The stallions continued trembling for a full thirty seconds after the earthquake had ended, then cautiously peeked out from under the table. They looked around at the bar, which was now completely peaceful. The bartender hadn’t even moved.

“Oh my goodness,” Boomer said, letting out a sigh of relief. “Thank you, Celestia, for blessing me with another day of life! I promise, I’ll never sneak the muffins off your breakfast tray ever again! I mean, I probably will, but I’ll feel bad about it!”

“What the-- did you really think you were gonna die?” the mare asked. “I told you, this happens everyday!”

Flam coughed. “We’ve been through a lot.”

Suddenly, the door slammed open, and in walked an earth pony mare with a green coat and a yellow mane. In her hooves was a ski mask. Two unicorns followed in past her.

Boomer nearly screamed.

“Those are our kidnappers,” Shining gasped. “We need to hide!”

Thinking quickly, the stallions leapt behind the bar and crouched down to avoid being seen. The bartender opened her mouth, but Soarin put his hooves together and silently begged.

“Hey, Strawberry Fields,” the green mare said. “How’s the hustle?”

“It’s hustling,” Strawberry nervously laughed, looking below her at the desperate stallions. “What brings y’all back home so soon?”

“Eh, you know, just business. Hey, have you seen a group of stallions come by these parts? We’ve been searching for them all night.”

Strawberry took once glance down. Flam was groveling at her hooves.

“Nope. Can’t say I have!”

“Well, let us know if you do.” The green mare started walking out of the bar, but stopped in the doorway. “It’s important that these stallions get what’s coming to them.”

Shining gulped.

The two kidnapping unicorns looked around the room, and levitated back up the decorations which had fallen. One walked right up to the bar to pick up a cup that had been knocked over, and absentmindedly looked over the edge.

The stallions held their breath.

Luckily, the unicorn didn't notice and simply walked away.

Once they were sure the kidnappers were gone, Shining Armor and company popped up exited from behind the bar. They let out a sigh of relief, and gave Strawberry a big group hug.

“Thank you so much!” Cheese exclaimed. “You have no idea how much--”

Before he could finish, Strawberry broke free of the embrace and turned on the stallions. “Alright,” she growled, backing away from the group, “you’re gunna tell me the whole darn truth right NOW, or else I’m calling her back in to take you away!”

The five stallions shared a nervous glance. Shining eventually sighed. “Listen, that mare back there? She kidnapped us. We were at a wedding, having a good time when all of a sudden, her and her crew just knocked us out and took us away in a horse-drawn carriage!”

“Was it great for my bucket list?” Boomer asked. “Yes. Was it pleasant? No!”

“Nonsense!” Strawberry scoffed. “I’ve known those ponies my whole life! They’re hard-working, honest, down-to-earth folks, who supply me with the money and crops I need to keep runnin’ this joint! Most definitely ain’t the kidnapping type!”

“Great,” Soarin whispered. “We’re in the kidnappers’ hometown. This is exactly why I wanted to go left!”

Shining rolled his eyes. “Flam, please work your magic and talk us out of this!” he said, urgently nudging his fellow unicorn.

The mustached stallion tensed up. “I can’t! I don’t have an in yet!” He started hyperventilating. “Oh, man. What if Strawberry was right? What if talking isn’t my thing?!”

“Existential crises later, man! We need you!”

Strawberry grabbed a wet towel, and began swinging it around like a weapon. “Y’all get one more chance to tell me what in Tartarus is going on, or I’m calling them right back in to stop you criminals!”

“We’re going to die!” Boomer whimpered, hiding behind Flam. “And we didn't even get to come up with a sleek, sexy, boy band name!”

Flam gasped. His brain began turning, processing both what Boomer had just said, and the situation Strawberry had put them in. All of a sudden, his face lit up, and his ears pointed up toward the ceiling.

An idea.

“Okay,” he said, confidently stepping in front of the group. “The truth is, those ponies are big followers of ours. We were coming back from a performance, and they offered us a ride to our next show. It was all well and good, but they turned out to be pretty rabid fans, and we just needed to get away from the drama.” He paused. Everypony in the room looked at him in confusion. “You see, we’re actually a famous boy band: Stallionz V!”

Shining Armor, Soarin, Boomer, and Cheese all froze. The four of their hearts simultaneously skipped a beat, and their jaws couldn’t help but drop. Shining could feel a shiver down his spine, and once his heart had recovered, it began racing.

“Stallions Five?” Strawberry repeated, scratching her mane.

“Yes, except with a zed at the end of Stallions and a roman numeral at the end,” Flam explained, not missing a beat. “We’re an extremely popular musical group, although I don’t blame you if you haven’t heard of us. Our debut was only a couple months ago.”

Strawberry shook her head. “I don’t believe you. You? A boy band?”

Flam fed off her disbelief, using it as a motivation to take his improvisation even further. “Why yes, little filly. In fact, we're like the quintessential boy band!” He ran over to Shining Armor, and put his arm around him. “This here is Shimmering Armor, the Heartthrob. He’s our sexy frontman who all the mares love. Sure, he’ll probably break off from the group and produce his own solo music within the next three years, but for now, he’s rocking our lead vocals with power and suggestive content.”

Shining smiled nervously and nodded his head. “Yup. That’s me. Getting all the mares.”

Flam leapt onto Soarin’s back. “This here is Soar-N, our resident Bad Boy. He’s mysterious, with a tough side and a dark streak. Everypony thinks he has ulterior motives for joining the group, but really, he’s just a misunderstood softie.”

“Get off my back!” Soarin shouted, partially playing the role he had been assigned, but mostly just genuinely wanting his personal space.

Boombox here is our Big Bro. He’s chill, he’s cool, he’s a true friend to all. He gives great advice, and is so easy to talk to. We always turn to him in times of need.”

Boomer flipped his mane and smiled. “That’s right. Cause helping other ponies solve their problems is the hottest thing you could ever do!”

“And, of course, you can’t forget Chedda Cheese, the Wild Card. He’s unpredictable, unhinged, and nopony knows what he’ll fondue next!” He leaned in close to Strawberry. “Rumors say, he ate a heart once.”

“It tasted like strawberry,” Cheese said, applying a sinister timbre to his voice. “Just like you.”

Flam leaped onto a table, extending his hooves out to the sky. “And, of course, there’s me, Flamboyant Starr, the Cute One! I’m the fun-loving, good-natured heart of the group! I was the one who brought us together, and it’s my enthusiasm and constant talent that has elevated us to STARDOM!” He began panting, having grown more and more intense and passionate as the con progressed. In fact, his voice had grown so loud, the few other ponies living in town had stuck their heads in to see what the fuss was about.

Strawberry’s eyes were bugging out of her head. Shining Armor and Soarin were looking at Flam in shock. Boomer and Cheese were grinning from ear to ear.

This is the best. Con. EVER! the mustached unicorn thought.

“Wowza,” Strawberry Fields sputtered, barely able to say a word. She shook herself off, then laid the towel on the bar. “That’s mighty impressive.”

Flam clapped his hooves together. This is working perfectly!

“But I still ain’t fully convinced. Perform one of your songs for me, right here, right now, and maybe, just maybe, I’ll believe you.”

Uh-oh.

“Um, if you could just give us a moment to prepare,” Shining said, pulling Flam off the table into a huddle with the other stallions. His voice switched to a harsh whisper. “Dude, what were you thinking?!”

“Hey, it’s working, isn’t it?” Flam replied. “She’s this close to believing this con! And if we can convince her, she won’t send us back to our kidnappers!”

“And how are we supposed to convince her?” Soarin asked, rubbing his face. “We don’t have any songs, not to mention I don’t sing!”

“Neither do I!” Shining echoed.

Flam laughed. “C’mon. Everypony has a song in their hearts!”

“In that case, my song sounds like nails on a chalkboard combined with foals screaming and dogs barking.”

“Ha! Music to my ears.”

“Well, I most certainly do sing,” Cheese chirped, giggling. “In fact, I perform all the time! And I’m fully on board with this plan!”

Flam hoof bumped him. “Haha! A fellow showpony! You have no idea how ecstatic this makes me!”

“Great. So two out of the five of us can sing,” Soarin stated. “How exactly are we going to pull this off?”

“Through the fantastically phenomenal powers of improvisation,” Flam responded. “Now, follow my lead!”

The stallions turned to face Strawberry Fields, who was leaning against her bar, an unimpressed look on her face. Flam cleared his throat, and hummed a starting pitch for the rest of the group.

Flam began singing, performing the first stereotypically teenage-sounding lyrics that came to his mind. “When I’m not with you, it’s worse than the depths of Tartarus!

Cheese picked it up. “Feeling lonely, like my heart’s ripped out by Cerberus!

Boomer belted the next line, shocking the group. “I need you more than you know! I really can’t let you go!”

Soarin and Shining looked at each other. “Oooooo, yeah...” they crooned, unable to think of any words.

Sensing their hesitation, Cheese and Flam harmonized with them. “Ooooo, yeah!”

Yeah, yeah, yeaaaah!” Boomer boomed, perhaps getting a little carried away.

On the last note, Boomer, Cheese, and Flam all struck a bold pose. It took Shining Armor and Soarin a moment to realize what was happening, but eventually simultaneously broke out into jazz hooves.

At first, Strawberry Fields didn't move. Eventually, though, she slowly nodded her head and clapped. The group let out a big sigh of relief.

“It worked,” Soarin whispered. “I can’t believe that actually worked.”

“I told you,” Flam said, booping Shining Armor on the nose. “From time to time, I do know what I’m doing. Although, normally I perform showtunes, not pop, so this was a bit of a gamble.”

“Also, you totally lied!” Cheese laughed. “You can sing quite well! Especially you, Boombox!”

Boomer flipped his mane and winked. “I was on Bridleway once.”

“Wha-- And you didn't think to mention that earlier?!” Shining groaned, facehoofing.

“Hey, don’t steal Soar-N’s place as the mysterious one!” Flam joked.

The entire group burst out into laughter. Strawberry Fields quickly joined in on their jovial attitude.

“Okay, Stallionz V,” she giggled. “That was quite pleasin’ to the ear. I believe you, and I’m honored to be in the presence of such famous talent.” She paused. “And, uhm, my sincerest apologies for my friends acting like ‘rabid fans’, as you called ‘em. I know they can get a lil… excited about certain things.”

“It’s okay,” Shining replied, patting Flam on the back. “Hey, now that you know we’re ‘legit’, maybe you could help us? Canterlot is the next stop on our tour, but we’re kind of lost. Could you maybe point us in the right direction?”

Strawberry Fields thought about the proposition for a second, then raised her eyebrows. “How bout you do somethin’ for me, I do somethin’ for you?”

Soarin sat down on a stool. “Explain.”

“I’ll tell you where Canterlot is,” the mare began, “if you’ll perform a show for our little town tonight.”

“What?!” Shining gasped.

“Yes. Morale is pretty low in this place, considering the curse and all. We could really use something to lift our spirits up. Sure, it ain’t gonna be your biggest crowd, but you’ll be makin’ so many ponies’ days. Whaddaya say? Do we have a deal?”

“One moment, please.”

Stallionz V once again huddled up, this time close enough that their horns could touch.

“I can’t pass up the opportunity to spread joy,” Cheese said to the group. “That’s my whole life’s purpose!”

“But we need to get back home as soon as possible!” Shining argued. “Our friends are probably worried sick about us! Besides, performing in the hometown of the ponies looking for us doesn't exactly scream out ‘good idea’!”

“Strawberry wants to help us,” Flam replied, booping the prince’s nose once more. “She’s just asking for something in return. I don’t think that’s so wrong. Besides, it’ll only set us back one day.”

“Okay, but we're not actually a boy band,” Soarin pointed out. “How are we going to put on an entire show? We don’t even have a song!”

“Well, we kinda do,” Boomer said. He started singing. “...the depths of Tartarus… ripped out by Cerberus…

“This could be our best shot at actually getting somewhere,” Flam pleaded. “Come on, Shiny! I haven’t steered you wrong yet, have I? Trust me on this one. Let’s do the show and get the info!” He laughed. “Look a that! A rhyme! I’m already creating our next hit single.”

The prince chuckled. “You’re lucky I love hanging out with you so much.” He turned to Strawberry Fields and shook her hoof. “You’ve got a deal, ma’am.”

Strawberry Fields jumped into the air. “Hot dog!” she cheered, dancing around her bar. “Thank you kindly! Now how about I fix yous up with some breakfast?”

Flam’s mouth watered. “That would be lovely.”

He sat down at the bar with Soarin, Cheese, Boomer, and Shining. As they chatted about what to do, Shining Armor couldn’t stop staring at the cheerful Flam.

One question kept circling throughout his head as the mustached stallion began coming up with backstories for their “Stallionz” personas. No matter how much he focused on other things, it kept coming right back into his brain.

Should I really be the leader of this group?