Fizzlepop Berrytwist suffered a terrible tragedy as a foal and nearly lost her way until a chance meeting with Shining Armor showed her another path in life - as a member of the Night Guard of Luna. However, in her efforts to prove herself as being up to the task of being a Night Guard, she has pushed herself practically to the breaking point. As her commanding officers try and sort out her unique situation and if the Guard really is the place for her, she is given a simple assignment: keep an eye on Trixie Lulamoon, Princess Luna's new apprentice, as she spends a day in Canterlot.
This won't end well...
A Lunaverse story, and a prequel to the main series. However this is being written in such a way that new readers should have no trouble diving in.
The trotting speed requirements were based somewhat on real world horse speeds, but between the fact that these are, after all, little ponies, plus the fact that I know nearly nothing about real-world horses, I’m sure they’re off. If anyone wants to provide some guesses for more accurate horse speeds, I’m all ears.
Ah, pony nudity taboos. Truly strange and bizarre in their application.
And, wherever Twilight Sparkle was at the time, she felt the strangest urge to lecture her brother about Rayneigh scattering.
The princess could neither confirm not deny that.
Nicely organic way to present Fizzlepop's altered history.
I caught that Egophiliac reference. Nice touch.
Incomprehensible Creole filly Trixie is a strangely adorable mental image.
Seeing how Fizzlepop plays out in the Lunaverse should be fascinating indeed. Looking forward to it.
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I’m...not sure that I did. What reference are you referring to?
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The names of Luna's personal guards.
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Oh right, that! Yeah, I had them cameo as far back as Helping...Hands?
Well, well, well, what do we have here?
Yay... this was a pretty fun start to things. The bits about tribalism between Nocturn and Fizzlepop/Tempest were nicely played out. Potential parallels to racial segregation in our world are of course obvious, but at the same time it very much is a reality in Equestria that three tribe could never really be held to entirely the same standard, what when 1/3 ponies can fly while another 1/3 can levitate objects with their minds, so on and so forth. Splitting those differences while trying to treat every one fairly has to be a tricky balancing act.
The show gag was cute, and maybe not even entirely unreasonable despite the fact that as AJ would put it, ponies don't normally wear clothes. After all when wet fur is matted down certain... anatomical features might be more visible than they otherwise casually would be.
Trixie's accent did catch me a little off guard, but I suppose it makes sense and even makes this glimpse into her past all the more distinct, if a little hard to parse.
You might want to try cleaning this segment up, repeated word in proximity like that can make a sentence awkward to read.
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Oh, and about the distance speed thing. I couldn't really find any numbers specifically for ponies, but a apparently a typical horse marathon is 26 miles run in just a little over an hour, with longer marathon being a 100 miles run over the course of a day with intermittent rests. However, both of those would probably be more akin to the collapse from exhaustion after words types of exertion. A more average distance a horse can be expected to travel in one day is 20-30 miles, with a well trained horse able to travel about twice that.
Of course how any of this translates to ponies, especially "little" ones is harder to say. On the one hoof they've got shorter legs and so probably can't go nearly as fast, but on the other hoof their smaller frames might give them more stamina over distance. Of further consideration, since MLP equines posses various other human-like characteristics, it might be entirely unreasonable to average horse and human physical capabilities together.
Or, just stick with what you've got. Equestria is after all its own world that can be entirely distinct from our own, and despite appearances its residents are really more so just pony shaped aliens.
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Well, I’m also specifically using a trot, which is more akin to a jog than full-on running (you’re describing a gallop). From what I’ve learned, there are four gaits for horses: walk, trot, canter, and gallop. The low-end speed for each (which is what I based these on, assuming that the low end represents smaller horses) are:
Walk: 4 mph
Trot: 8 mph
Canter: 12 mph
Gallop: 25 mph
When soldiers in the army “run” as part of their exercise, based on what I’ve observed, they’re really jogging, or at least aren’t full-on running at their best possible speed, since that is exhausting and expecting a soldier to full-on run for any significant length of time is a good way to end up with a dead soldier. So since a trot is roughly analogous to a jog, I used that as the base for a normal, everyday pony. Since the Night Guard are supposed to be elite, though, I added arbitrary miles per hour to each to represent that.
But again, I know nothing about horses. Or soldiering, really. So I’ll be glad for any help offered.
While yes, to be honest I’m also thinking of sexual segregation to an extent. The standards for men and women in the Armed Forces are different — higher for men, and few women can consistently meet the male standards.
It’s a touchy subject, obviously. But, that’s why I’m looking at it through the lens of ponies and analogy. And also not stating my opinions on the matter, just telling a story.
An interesting introduction to Tempest.
And Trixie has a point. Some of the names of these guards are pretty unusual.
After all, what kind of name is "Nocturne" for a guard?
Don't think it's an especially good idea of Shining, Fizzle and Opal to be giving Lil' Trixie pointers on how to get away with impersonating a Princess, though.
... eh, what's the worst thing that could happen?
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I considered that and I’m actually considering adding a line to the effect of Luna having a standing order to the ponies working in the castle to actually tell Trixie how to improve her magic when she asks and is caught in the act. Or at least her Night Guard.
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I mean, it's under the general heading of "Magic Practice", she's in the kid age range, and she was even using it to get an escort instead of breezing out of the castle alone. I'm sure there's some kind of charge for impersonating the Princess, but it's not like she was wandering into the Vault Of Dangerous Stuff or searching up state secrets to sell.
Given her characterisation in the Lunaverse, the adorable shine wears off pretty quick.
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Can't see that going wrong, either.
"Wait a minute, Your Highness. Are you asking us to be a deliberately bad influence on Trixie?"
"No. Just a creative influence."
"... and the difference is?"
"*Luna smirks knowingly* Up to you to decide."
Loving this so far. I'm really invested in Berrytwist's plight but young Trixie just stole the show. It's just so much fun seeing this little prench trouble maker let loose and seeing how everyone reacts to her shenanigans.
Looking forward to seeing more
This was fun. Think perhaps it could've used a more introductory chapter and a...normal day with Fizzle before we got into her nearly killing herself in over extertion. But all in all this was a good read, and an interesting add to your universe. Thanks for sharing!
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It’s not complete; there’s still more to come.
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Yeah, once I added Trixie-as-Luna to the scene the words started flying from my fingers. Trixie is always fun to write for.
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Okay, yeah, yoinking this.
I'm a little surprised hot running water is such a new thing, didn't the Romans have that?
Interesting in universe discussion about the various tribes, given the different physical characteristics that has to be something that comes up again and again. I'm a bit surprised that the Pegasus requirement actually has a land speed requirement I'd think everything would be flight speed.
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The Romans did, but they achieved it with manual labor from slaves. Fizzy here is referring to something established back in Apprenticeship, that Canterlot Castle had just been renovated to have hot-and-cold water mixer taps, which in the real world were invented in 1880.
Though now that I re-read that, it’s not entirely clear. I’ll edit it in a bit.
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I realize that. Just meant that I would've liked more her as a younger filly to start. Rather then starting in the middle of things. Even if it was just a shorter scene to start the piece. Think it would've added more to this.
So... the punishment for murder is... like, two centuries in stone or... ?
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Fizzlepop will probably not kill Trixie. Probably.
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Self-defense.
Okay, so I've never seen the movie, full confession there. I'm liking Fizzlepop so far. She's a real determinator. Armet... something about her is whispering, "Punch her," in my ear. Then again that could just be me. :p Trixie was great. Her accented speech was friggin' adorable.
Creole Trixie is one of those things that just works once you see it. I look forward to future installments.
I found the 'Prenglish' well done. Trixie's mother tongue only shows through mispronunciation or using French words when she's caught off guard. The only exception to that last point is the second "un moment," which I can't picture her using if she knows both words in English; although she might mispronounce 'moment.'
Using italics for Prench as well as for emphasis might prove troublesome in the future because of the words spelled the same way in both languages, incidentally.
I wasn't impressed with the beginning of the story. Fizzlepop's rebuttal to Nocturne amounted to 'why don't you move to Racistopia, population: probably slavers?' whereas Nocturne herself felt more like a walking info dump than an actual character to me. Captain Opal Armet also majored in exposition, but there's more to her than just telling the reader what's going on.
The narration itself tends to provide information as well, I've found. All this exposition may be necessary, since this is an alternate universe, but I'm not sure all of it is required; at least in the very first chapter. There's also one instance that is just jarring to me: stating Nocturne's "pegasus resistance to temperatures." I just don't see how it's necessary to mention it in the first place.
The other issue I have with this specific line is that, as I've written, the narration states that trait. I believe it would have felt more natural—or at least a little less 'info-dumpy'—if you had woven that piece of information in Fizzlepop's internal musing. Another opportunity for merging exposition and getting in her head could have been Fizzlepop thanking her luck (or rather what little she usually has of it) that she wasn't promoted to the Night Guard just a few years earlier, because then she'd have to suffer through the same cold showers she had to deal with in the Royal Army.
There was also "aching" being used twice in the same sentence as soon as the second paragraph, with "ached" appearing in the very first sentence of the story to boot, which really didn't endear me to the beginning. Neither did hanging the lampshade on the 'nudity' of ponies.
It gets better after the scene break, though.
I particularly liked the lines about "Princesses being for looking, not touching" and assuming that Luna "had been going through a phase at the time." And I actually felt bad for Fizzlepop; it must have been heartwrenching to have truly believed she had her horn back only to remember it was merely her armor's enchantment at work one moment later.
I really like Fizzlepop in this. Trying to fit in and prove her worth at any cost, especially that there's some serious gratitude in there. I feel she might become the poster mare for a quote from another universe: "Better to die having exhausted one's strength than to fail without ever reaching your limits."
Another thing I liked about her requires some explanation. Tempest Shadow has been pigeonholed into military matters in the fandom from what I've seen; usually as Twilight's bodyguard or as the founder of her royal guard, and possibly because she's deemed to have lived too long as a soldier to readjust easily to civilian life.
Here, 'Tempest' is once more in the army, which sounds like digging the pigeonhole deeper... but that's not the case, because it's actually justified here.
The details amount to "she was in a bad place," but it was Shining Armor who got the opportunity to help her. Shining Armor, who had just recently joined the Night Guard and probably spent years before in the Royal Army. It makes entire sense for his help to remain within the domain of the military. He also mentions he "believed she had talent," and he's bound to be very perceptive—or blinkered—to skills that would make one achieve success in the army.
He may also have realized the 'fire' that brewed in her heart. Or Fizzlepop could simply only be good at anything in the army. That's possible—she was nothing more than a homing missile with anger issues in the movie, after all—and may have looked that way to Shining Armor depending on the circumstances of their first meeting.
I don't have anything more to say regarding Shining Armor, other than I find hilarious that he's the only stallion in this chapter and all the other Night Guards are mares. A sharp contrast from the show, that's for sure. Another thing I found hilarious is how he shut Trixie up when she "opened her mouth to add her opinion."
Captain Opal Armet, for her part, seemed professional and generally annoyed at the situation she found herself in; or at least annoyed at Officer Fizzlepop and Trixie. Exceptions appear to be made about them—I doubt someone who's not Luna's personal student would have fared so well after starting a fire in an embassy, accidentally or not—and I guess that's what gets on her nerves, though I'm not sure that's whether because she's a stickler for the rules or because she considers it unfair on principle.
Either way, I liked that she wasn't presented as a bad guy (outside of staring a little too often at Fizzlepop's horn). She could have been written as never understanding Trixie's deception whereas Shining Armor and Fizzlepop obviously did, after all, and she wasn't.
Finally, I found a few typos;
be liked
in a review
comin'
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Seriously, I am a vampire for responses, so waking up to this has put me in a great mood.
I'm about to have a very long, very bad day at work, the fourth of six, on a day where I'm not supposed to work at all and should instead be playing D&D with my friends...so this comment cheered me up immensely and will help me get through it!
Let's see, there's a fair bit of ground to cover...
I intend to make it clear through context whether we're getting Equestrian or Prench for the rest of the story; the only time I intended to deliberately play with it was when "Luna" pronounced minute like in Prench, Otherwise at least the way I was taught was that you always italicize foreign-language words, and when writing a sentence in italics if you want to emphasize a word in it, you simply don't italicize that particular word. Heut' ist mein Tag. Like that. That being said I don't intend to include any long passages in Prench or any other foreign language because, among other things, I only speak two languages myself: English and Bad English. So I doubt people who can speak other languages particularly want to see those languages mangled by me. Mon aéroglisseur est plein d'anguilles.
Yeah, kind of, and it's a recurring problem for me. Can you tell that as a kid my YA novels of choice were the Animorphs series? Every one of those books begins more-or-less the same way, with a bit of an in-character info-dump about the basic setting and plot of the series, and it's easy to see where and how that influenced me as a writer (also my first fanfiction was an Animorphs one). They were sticking to novelized variant of an old maxim of the comic industry, I suppose: "every comic is someone's first comic". I've always written with that in the back of my mind whether I wanted it there or not, that any story I write in a given series might be the first one that someone reads, and thus the result is that the first chapters of most stories I write tend to be fairly exposition-heavy.
Which isn't always a good trait. I'll see if I can clean things up a bit in the beginning, make things feel more organic.
Warhamer 40,000, I think? Perteburo, if Google is right. I have a weird relationship with that game line and universe. There's a lot in it I like, but also a lot I don't, and I don't think Games Workshop has done the series all the favors it could have. In particular I think that they've steadily ruined what was to me one of the best moments of the background lore, that of the Lone Guardsman Olanius Pius standing up to Horus to defend the Emperor even though he had an exactly 0% chance of doing anything. Horus kills him even though Pius was no threat whatsoever and couldn't slow him down in the slightest, and that action was the thing that finally prompted the Emperor to act directly against Horus, the sign that Horus was too far gone to even entertain trying to save, since it was roughly equivalent to a grown man curbstomping a baby.
These days it turns out Pius was some kind of immortal or something and an old friend of the Emperor's (rather than just a common man) and he's been reborn like a dozen times over since the Horus Heresey. And also Games Workshop keeps stepping up the "last line" from a single Guardsman to like an entire regiment. I think there were baneblades there now too.
Actually an amusing coincidence rather than a deliberate joke on my part. I'd had a throwaway line years ago in another story that Shining Armor's predecessor as Captain of the Guard was an earth pony mare, so here we're getting to see her for the first time (and she gets a name!). Since Tempest Shadow was the main character obviously she's a shoe-in. And Nocturne is, in the Lunaverse, Scootaloo's mom, and I decided to have her cameo.
Anyway. I'll fix the spelling mistakes now, and I'll see about cleaning up the first part of the chapter later, when I have more time. Thanks for the comment!
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You're welcome. I write comments to help and inspire people, so I'm glad to know they're working as intended. And thank you for replying; it's always a little disheartening to spend genuine hours writing and finetuning comments only for them to be ignored.
Good point about emphasis in italicized sentences, it had slipped my mind. And it certainly was pleasing to see all the French used—and spelled—correctly.
Neigh Orleans intrigues me, although perhaps I'm just too amused by Trixie 'Southern Belle' Lulamoon's accent. And I'm also wondering if there are some 'Caneighdians' out there... although I probably messed the pronunciation, and thus the pun.
As I mentioned, my only real issue with the exposition was the part about Nocturne's nature as a pegasus, because I didn't consider it necessary. I didn't find the other parts unnecessary per se, but rather perhaps introduced too soon. It's only the first chapter, after all.
And the "perhaps" is here for a reason. I don't have that much experience writing myself.
They also missed the opportunity to get in Fizzlepop's head, again as I mentioned, but that's me and my obsession with getting the voices of the characters into the narration, and sometimes leaving some bits of characterization here and there in the process.
And I'm sure I have several instances of 'narrative info dumps' in my countless drafts, too.
Whether deliberate or not, the results are the same; I was thoroughly amused.
I wouldn't put it past canon Celestia to have the armors' enchantment make the mares look like stallions either. She always did have an interesting sense of humor.
Again, you're welcome. And I see you've already dealt with 'ache & co;' I like the new sentence.
Finally, you are right about Warhammer 40,000 and Olanius Pius; however, private messages are probably a better place to talk about it if you're interested. This comments section is about A Day in Canterlot, after all.
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To be honest most of my 40K lore knowledge comes from perusing 1d4chan and osmosis from hanging out of 4chan rather than having actually read any of it or played the game, though I do intend to sit down and read the Commissar Ciaphas Cain (HERO OF THE IMPERIUM!!!) series at some point.
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Nudity is also arbitrary among humans. In my beach a woman can go topless without anyone giving a damn, but she better refrains herself from doing the same in the nearby town's streets.
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Right! I cleaned up the introduction a little to make it a little more in-character and organic. I also decided to just cut directly mentioning pegasus temperature resistance and instead only allude to it with Nocturne not caring about the cold water. It's not likely to be relevant in this story as it's plotted in my head in any event and is more a result of me always trying to keep the three tribes of ponies in balance against one another.
I did keep the nudity joke, though...it's personally amusing to me, though I did make it a little plainer that Nocturne is mostly doing it to keep Shining's focus on her instead of on Fizzy while she calms down from the argument they were having. I didn't edit Nocturne's info-dumping, though, partially because I can't think of a way to fill the scene up enough otherwise, and partly because Nocturne is sort of being a mouthpiece for the typical pony approach to the situation of having three tribes with wildly different abilities and limitations trying to live in an equal society.
Thanks again for the comment! I'll work hard to make sure chapter 2 is up to snuff, but don't be afraid to ream me for any/all mistakes.
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I like the new introduction although, as I've mentioned, I am slightly obsessed with in-character narration. It might be useful to find someone else's opinion on this; I don't know anyone else on FIMFiction who write text walls for comments, though.
The pegasi's racial traits, along with the reference to Zaldia incidentally, go back to the same 'problem:' it's a fine balance between world-building and mentioning what's necessary—only what's "relevant to the plot," as you said, for example. Nocturne's info dump strikes me as very close to the unnecessary end of the scale, but perhaps that's because she was preaching to the choir when I read the chapter. What really threw me off, however, was that it felt entirely out of the blue. If Fizzlepop hadn't been lamenting that "but without the fireworks – without unicorn magic that was worth anything – and without wings – then she had to make the earth pony standards, didn’t she?" later on, it would look precisely like that to me: unnecessary and out of the blue.
And again, poor Fizzlepop. I actually feel sorry for her in this story.
She remains in character—by which I mean she's clueless and gets so many things wrong—though; she did understand Nocturne's comment to mean "separate but equal" when Equestria is more about 'different but equal.' Assuming she simply didn't say the first barb that came to mind to get Nocturne to shut the hell up.
Speaking of Nocturne, I forgot to mention I loved this line of hers: "it’s real hard to not ever bring up your horn when you make everything about your horn." You don't major in exposition without being able to tell it like it is, that's for sure.
About the 'nudity' scene; nice update. Since they're in the showers—a very slippery place—, I feel the real issue with sticking one's head into the room and speaking is that it can surprise the people inside and make them fall, potentially hurting or even wounding them. But I guess that Nocturne yelling at Shining Armor about that wouldn't have worked so well. Or at least made him yell back.
There's something else I hadn't mentioned before. Something I'm curious about, but wasn't delved into because Captain Armet was interrupted.
Isn't there some sort of 'auxiliary corps' where Fizzlepop could work? A place where the willing and loyal citizens who don't fit the general military standards can still serve and prove a valuable asset to their country? A group of sanctioned volunteers that don't have the same duties and expectations as the Royal Army and the Night Guard? Sure, if they have looser standards, Fizzlepop won't be proving as much as she seems desperate to, but perhaps she won't check out on the racing track either.
As I mentioned, Opal Armet never got to her point. I'm half-wondering, half-wishing if/that she had been pestering Luna behind the scenes to create such a group if it doesn't already exist or to greenlight sending Fizzlepop there.
I mean, outside of being Trixie's baby-sitter, which does qualify as serving the realm (and probably limiting the damages as well) but isn't quite what I had in mind.
Something every illusionist must learn, some more than others.
Years later, on the Astral Plane...
"Well, " said Luna. "Under one hoof, I'm immensely proud of you. Under another, this is going to be... complicated."
In happier circumstances, what might have been...
In any case, looks like there will be some preshow entertainment, involving at least one clown. This should be good...
Very nice. I do hope these two remain friends at the end of the story. As for Blueblood? Eh, I've softened on him. I'd rather deal with him at his canonical worst, than Discord at his canonical best.
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Plus this is Lunaverse Blueblood, who we know will eventually try and become a better pony thanks to his special somepony.
Well, this isn't good.
I'm already developing my own headcanon for these two.
Well Trixie's got the misdirection down pat, 'tis an important facet of illusions that.
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...you just had to go and remind of that shipwreck born of what should have just been a one off gag. Everyone else seems to like it though, so I'll make no further fuss of the matter here
I'll just be sulking over it in my lonely corner if any one needs me.
Anyway, as for the actual chapter at hand, this was very enjoyable. Young Trixie continues to have a great ballance of enthusiastic naivete while still showing the early signs of the ego she's notorious for. Likewise, Fizzlepop feels just about right for a version of herself that never went into exile, but still otherwise carries some scars of resentment over her unfortunate circumstances all the same. I like how the two of them have been bouncing off each other so far.
Also, despite my opinions of Blueblood's future character development, I am still excited to see how things proceed in the next chapter of this story with him in the mix.
Hmm... this is your 2nd story in a row where you let young Trixie face young Blue Blood. Since she knows him this has to be placed after the sandbox incident correct?
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Yup. That will come up.
I believe "bien merci" should be 'merci bien' or' (un) grand merci,' unless it's actually correct in the French of Louisiana. My absolute lack of knowledge about Creole would explain why I've stared so long at "un cancan de fées," too. The images in my head as I tried to reconcile fairies dancing the cancan with 'fairytale gossip' were entertaining, at least.
(Although it just looks like a translation algorithm being a little too literal to me, to be honest. If that's the case, 'rapporteuse', 'cafteuse' or 'moucharde' are better translations for a telltale. New Orleans probably has its own creative name for them as well.)
I'm also looking at "mo chagren" and "aborder" but, again, I don't know Creole.
Interesting that Luna pronounced "coup d'état" the Prench way. She enjoyed Trixie's little trick, no doubt about it.
Trixie still strikes me as not even have started puberty, incidentally, as opposed to "not quite a filly but not really a mare yet either" as she was described in the previous chapter. The cute part where Luna tried to shake her off her hoof as Trixie returned her wing hug is the main reason for that. Fizzlepop describing her as "a small foal" in the same paragraph was closer to a confirmation, and leaves me quite puzzled about the line I mentioned earlier.
That didn't prevent me from enjoying Fizzlepop scaring her out her wits, though. Luna is training Trixie to become a noble, no doubt about that. She didn't get her way with polite requests, orders or blackmail, so she resorts to manipulation instead. Yes, a future noble of the finest caliber, not a single shred of doubt about that.
Fizzlepop's not all hard edges, though. She did endeavor to use what she believes to be her last day as a Night Guard to make a small filly happy (even if Trixie makes that very difficult). And she did tell that Castle Guard to shut it or else when I'm more inclined to agree with him.
Going back to Trixie, I liked the imagery of her weaving her illusion in the carriage as a potter would mold clay. And I agree with her, Tempest Shadow suits her more than that mouthful of a name.
I'll admit I'm worried about Blueblood's sudden appearance. I know there's a group specifically to go against that flow, but the fandom has portrayed him as a brat for years, especially when he's written younger than in the show, for reasons I consider petty and flimsy at best. I'm intrigued that he (apparently) can speak Prench as well, but I'm not looking forward to another bratty Blueblood if things go that way.
Unlike in the previous chapter, there was nothing I found unnecessary or remotely close to jarring when it comes to the exposition. Except maybe the part about "the friendly inter-service barb."
I found one debatable typo;
tout de suite (unless you wanted her to not even bother using all the words in her hurry or, again, 'colony' French as opposed to mainland French)
Finally, I liked these lines;
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In Creole slang, “thank you” is typically written out as byen mersi. My intent with the correct spelling but wrong word order (for proper French) was to show that Trixie’s still got a more Cajun way of speaking French, but is also more understandable then she used to be. Also just the Cajun spelling of it bothers me.
Mo chagren is just straight Cajun slang, as is aborder and tanpri. This is the word list I use for Creole, though aborder was from a Google search for Cajun cusses. Literally it means “to bump into”, but here it refers to a...specific kind of bumping.
As for cancans de fées (I misspelled it above and am going to correct it now)...I actually thought that was the French term for “tattle-tale”. I’d looked it up years ago for my story Magic Tutor when Trixie was complaining about a cousin of hers. Must have gotten a bad translation or something, which is a bit unfortunate as I’d actually rather liked the idea that the French term was basically “fairy gossip”. Google is telling me that cancans is the translation for “tattle”, though.
I don’t know if I’ve said this yet, but I actually can only speak and read/write two languages: English and Bad English (though I can sort-of stumble through very simple Spanish and read a little Latin). Everything else is always provided by Google Translate. Although that being said Luna used the French coup d’état not because of Trixie, but because that’s just how I always write it out. I also always write “naïve” with an umlaut, and otherwise like to include letter marks when writing. It makes me feel sophisticated.
Oh, lastly, using tout suite instead of the English “toot sweet” or French tout de suite was meant to be the same sort of thing as what I did with byen mersi/bien merci/merci bien. Her accent is all over the place at the moment thanks to three years in Canterlot mixing with her formative years in the bayou, so in some ways I’m trying to be be deliberately difficult. That’s also why I try to have her use mo chagren with more casual apologies and désolé with more formal ones. Ditto tanpri verses s’il vous plaît.
Yeah, I’d worried that as soon as I put in the shaking-Trixie-off thing that I might have misstepped there. I might edit it a bit, since I wanted to show Trixie and Luna actually getting along...a lot of their interaction in the Lunaverse tends to involve Trixie annoyed with Luna or vice-versa, so I wanted something more casual and comfortable. But at the same time, yeah, it does make her come across as young. For the most part I try to avoid giving exact ages like the plague in the Lunaverse, but in this story I see Trixie as being something to the tune of 12-14. Like, a bratty 12-14, but that range. Or at least that’s what I want to aim for.
You have this amazing ability of not making your main characters too likable.
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In a good way, or...? Because I do try to balance merits and flaws when I can. Also Trixie's definitely supposed to have crossed a line there, what she said isn't okay even if she thought it was okay to get back at Fizzlepop questioning her fashion choices.
Reading this, I had such a weird realization that the canonical Luna has an even weirder palate than what you've written Trixie for years.
https://m.Then we got the mint, fudge and chili cupcakes.
I really like this "Tempest Shadow" better then the one in the movie.
The story of a being whose career advancement is stalled by bureaucracy and racism is a lot more interesting then the cliché "going bad because of personal tragedy."
Can't wait to read more and see where this goes.
Interesting AU. Hope to see where this goes and read the rest of this universe.
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I meant that as a compliment. Not many have that capability, fewer can rewardingly pull it off to this extent.
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Thanks for the reply and information.
Cancans is indeed one of the translations for the 'gossip' definition of the word "tattle," along others like potins, ragots and commérages, all of which are usually used as plural although the words do exist without the ending 's.'
It's possible that this is slang in some French-speaking region or another, but a quick check on Google shows me that the only places where cancans de fées is used are: this fanfiction, two wrong word-for-word translations of Gordon Lightfoot's song The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald, and a maybe-copyrighted thingamajig for archery. And as I mentioned, this sounds very much like a translation algorithm taking things too literally and going word by word.
I obviously have an easier time making sure a specific translation is precisely the one I want by checking Wiktionary.org, but WordReference.com is the site I use when I write anything in English. It has not failed me yet, and comes with a forum for the words that aren't in the dictionaries' libraries.
I was referring to the italics, not to the spelling. The context and Luna's character made it easy for me to assume she was poking fun at Trixie by saying that word the Prench way.
Trixie could simply be comfortable enough with her mentor, and have enough good memories of growing up around her, that she becomes a little more childish when Luna shows her affection for her. Then, the question becomes 'why did Fizzlepop call her a small foal?'
Perhaps she meant to think "there was a lot to be jealous of Trixie about" ever since Trixie was a small foal, but that's not what I'm gathering from the narration itself. Fizzlepop appears to deem Trixie a small foal right now. It's possible she can't gauge someone's age and can't tell on which side of the puberty fence a young pony stands, but then the narration should mention that, whether in-character or not.
Could be fun down the line too, what with her line about Shining Armor 'preferring older mares.' "I will have you know that [Fleur Dis Lee/Octavia/Sunset/Starlight/whatever nobody cares] is two years younger than you." "She is!?"
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Sorry this took awhile to get back to! Sunday is my IRL nonsense with friends day. Played D&D and then saw IT: Chapter Two. Good movie, if you're curious - not as good as IT: Chapter One, but that's a really high bar so we won't hold that against Pennywise.
Anyway, I went with rapporteuse for "tattle-tale", then. Still kind of sad; like I said, I liked the metaphor, but not quite enough to push it. I'll probably go back and edit it in Magic Tutor as well.
Huh, hadn't actually considered that. Still, that would be in-character for Luna anyway, so we'll say it could easily have been that as well.
Oh, I also edited Fizzlepop's internal musing about Trixie from "small foal" to "young mare" to hopefully remove the impression that Trixie is prepubescent. Among other things given the content of some of the darker parts of Don Rocinante - which is of course being modeled on the play Man of La Mancha - it's not something I'd want a too-young kid to see. Although these are ponies so it probably doesn't get quite as dark as the actual Man of La Mancha does in the middle with what happens to Aldonza during "The Abduction", but even still.
Now this fits, this fits surprisingly well.
Ah, young Blueblood still has a lot to learn, he managed to turn a fine overture into an appalling mess. Three things to consider, three things he forgot.
First, timing. He got ahead of himself, reached for too much too fast. His first move was inspired, a "chance" aside that led to further opportunity in due time. If he'd stayed content with what he'd achieved he would have had a fine bit of material for the rumor mill, something to put a nice shine on his reputation.
But he forgot the second rule, that there is always an opposing player. Trixie is most certainly not a porcelain doll, she is proud, independent, and more than pleased to speak her mind. If he'd remembered to consider her nature he'd have known better than to overplay the gallantry card, and he'd not have tried to show her off to his peers. That idiocy scuttled his little ship good and proper.
Which leads us to the final consideration, of standing/position. Trixie is a very difficult thing to parse, in the terms of Society. She is the personal student of the Princess, a position that carries no official power, but a vast amount of prestige and potential influence, given her close association with the throne. But at the same time she is common-born, and a budding street performer of all things.
Trixie is at once both someone to court by any means necessary, and someone to ignore whenever possible. A frustrating paradox indeed.
But blueblood nearly managed it. By approaching as an equal he managed to appear gracious by respecting the common Trixie, yet he also elevated himself by standing in an even position with the Princess's student. This was very good, and if he'd left it there he would have been well regarded in Society's eye. But then he slagged it up.
That fight put Trixie in the ascendant, as the princess's ward exercising her limited but very real authority to have the box to herself. Then, instead of acquiescing and retaining some dignity he brought himself clear down to the position of supplicant, putting his reputation at the mercy of a commoner.
Now he's broken one of Society's fundamental rules, and his embarrassment is the only thing he'll hear of for quite some time.
...Shining's first words to Tempest were "You missed". The hell was she doing?