Heavy Rain

by Son of Liberty

Epilogue-The Return

Swansong and Rainbow Dash entered Ponyville, still leaning on each other. The rest of the Mane 6, milling around nervously, spotted them and rushed up to them, hurling questions.

"He's back! He's okay!"

"How'd it go, darlings?"

"Yay."

"You two are together now?"

Everyone froze and stared at Twilight and Pinkie, who had spoken in unison. The two smiled sheepishly, and everyone looked at Dash and her coltfriend.

"Is... Is that true?" Fluttershy's eyes widened. By now, all of Ponyville was watching the scene.

Swansong and Dash looked at each other, smiled and looked back at the others. "Well..." Dash trailed off. The couple turned to each other, threw their forelegs around each other, and kissed passionately.

The other five remained still for a moment as everyone else cheered, then tackled the two in a massive hug. The couple laughed and hugged them back.

Pinkie Pie went crazy. "Ohmygosh ohmygosh ohmygosh, I gotta plan the our-best-friend's-okay party and the you're-a-couple-now party and the we're-getting-married-party and Dashie's bachelorette party and the wedding itself and the..."

Everyone else laughed and continued to congratulate the new couple. Something horrible had happened, it was true, but out of it had come something wonderful, something that could pull a light out of the darkness. Something that could act as an umbrella against the rain.

Comments

[hawthornbunny]

Congrats on your first fic!

You asked for feedback, so these are my thoughts:

1) The intro does a good job of getting the story started with some momentum.
2) On a technical level, the writing is competent; no major spelling or grammar issues that I could see. The dialogue formatting is fine.
3) "punch-drunk" literally means being dazed by blows to the head. Was the stallion getting beaten up or something?
4) While Swansong can be sympathized with on an intellectual level (obviously, losing one's entire family is bad), we don't know anything about him and therefore don't really know how this news would affect him as a person.
5) The description claims that Swansong is a private detective, but the story doesn't mention this in any way.
6) Why wasn't Swansong at his own family reunion?
7) Swansong is absent for most of his own story.
8) The story simply asserts that the Mane Six care deeply about Swansong, without giving any reason why.
9) The Mane Six's search lasts all of one sentence. Did nothing interesting happen during that time?
10) The Mane Six somehow forget that Swansong's entire family just died, and instead start celebrating his latest romantic development.
11) This story doesn't give the impression of an alternate timeline - not even a fast-and-loose Kelvin-style timeline. Alternate timelines show us could-have-beens, blending familiar things with new ways. This could be set in canon Equestria for all that I can tell.

[Son of Liberty]

9774648
Yea... I'mma just rewrite this a bit...