Sunset's Despair

by Peni Parker

Sunset's Despair

Sunset Shimmer sat alone in the dark. She’d been sitting there for quite some time, longer than she realized. Her head was being held up by her hands as tears flowed from her eyes. She couldn’t move, couldn’t think straight. She’d never like felt this before. There was only one word to describe it.

Despair.

As she sat on her couch curled up in a ball, Sunset tried to compose the thousands of thoughts within her screaming head. She tried to figure out why she was feeling this way. But every time she tried, the screaming just got worse.

“Ah!” Sunset winced. Sometimes the despair spiked and made her feel physically bad as well.

Sunset couldn’t figure out what to do, except stay curled up in a ball on her couch. Frankly, she didn’t want to do anything else. The despair had zapped her desire to do anything. She just wanted to stay as she was.

The worst part of it all was how alone Sunset felt. She considered calling her friends and telling them how she was feeling, but she didn’t want to feel like a burden.

“Twilight, Rainbow, Applejack, Pinkie, Rarity, Fluttershy. They don’t need to be bothered with my issues,” Sunset said quietly to herself. “What would they even do if they knew? It’s not like they can help me.”

Deep down Sunset knew that what she was saying wasn’t true. Deep down she knew that her friends would rush to her side with all the love and support they could give. But the despair was telling her otherwise, and it was so loud that it drowned out her logical reasoning.

Eventually, Sunset uncurled from her fetal position and lied down on the couch, tears still dripping off her face. She stared into the darkness of her apartment and felt as though she were staring into her own depressed mind.

“Why?” Sunset asked loudly to the darkness, “Why do I feel this way?”

Fresh tears appeared on her face as she asked her question. The darkness gave no answer.

“Maybe there is no answer.” Sunset whispered to herself.

She closed her eyes, hoping that it would somehow make all the pain stop. When in reality, all this did was envelop her in more darkness.

Soon the darkness ceased to be only agonizing. Soon it started to become comforting as well. It was cold, but also warm. Was Sunset just getting used to it? Was it becoming more familiar to her? She didn’t care, she was just glad the pain was subsiding, if only a little.

When Sunset opened her eyes, the darkness was still there but it wasn’t the same as before. She could feel a sense of relief in it. None of this made any sense to her.

She slowly picked herself up and sat up in a hunched position on the couch. She could still feel the despair within her, but she felt that she could deal with it better now.

Once her strength returned to her, Sunset got off the couch and headed into the bathroom. She looked at her reflection in the mirror, and felt…odd.

She knew that she was staring at herself, but the girl in the mirror was almost like a stranger to her. She reached out her hand and put it against the glass. Sunset almost anticipated to feel the warm touch of another human being, bust all she felt was the cold glass.

Coming a bit more to her senses, Sunset took her hand off the mirror and made her way out the bathroom. Upon entering the living room once more, she wasn’t sure what to do. She still lacked any desire to do anything. At least, anything that could be considered constructive in any way.

Realizing just how late it was, Sunset decided that it was best to just call it a day. She wasn’t tired in the traditional sense, but she just couldn’t think of anything else she wanted to do.

She made her way up to the loft where her bed was and started to undress. She considered putting some pajamas on but didn’t really feel like it. She just stayed in her underwear and bra and placed herself under the covers.

As she laid in bed, Sunset began to stare into the darkness once more.

“Please let me feel better tomorrow.” Sunset pleaded as she drifted off to sleep.

---

Sunset Shimmer awoke the next morning at her usually time. Since it was only Thursday, she got out of bed and went about her normal weekday routine. She got out of bed, made some breakfast, took a shower, pit some cloths on, gathered her things for, and headed out the door.

During her walk to school, Sunset couldn’t help but feel off. She wasn't as depressed as she was last night, but she wasn’t back to her normal, happy self either. It seemed like all she was doing was going through the motions of everyday life. Nothing more, nothing less.

When she reached Canterlot High, noticed Rainbow Dash making her way up to the front of the school from the opposite end of the walkway.

“Hey, Sunset!” Rainbow shouted, having spotted her friend.

“Hey Rainbow.” Sunset replied with a smile. It wasn’t a real smile, not really; there was no emotion behind it.

“You start reading that new Daring Do book yet?” Rainbow inquired, clearly not picking up any unusual vibes from Sunset.

“Sorry, not yet.” Was all Sunset could say.

“Aw, man,” Rainbow dejected, “I was hoping we could talk about how awesome it is at lunch today. Not to spoil anything, but there’s this one part where Daring Do…”

Sunset could feel Rainbow’s words just becoming white noise, like it was part of the background noise of the hustle and bustle of students getting ready for classes. She wanted to listen to what her friend had to say, but just couldn't.

When they reached their lockers, Twilight and Rarity were already there talking. The group of girls exchanged the usual morning pleasantries of “Hello” and “Good Morning”. Rainbow and Rarity eventually struck up a conversation about a math test they both had 3^rd period, which left Twilight and Sunset to converse amongst themselves.

“So Sunset,” Twilight started, “I rented The Tale of Gusty the Great last night. You wanna come over this weekend and watch it?”

Sunset turned to face her friend. “Sure, I’d love to.” She replied in the same way she’d replied to Rainbow earlier.

Twilight could tell something was up with Sunset. She couldn’t put her finger on it, but she knew Sunset wasn’t her usual self this morning.

“Are you okay Sunset?”

Sunset wasn’t sure how to respond. “Uh, yeah, I’m fine. Why wouldn’t I be.” Was the answer she gave. Inside, she wanted to tell Twilight about everything that had happened to her last night but couldn’t.

“You just seem a bit different today.” Twilight noted.

“Probably just because I went to bed late last night.” Sunset responded without going into any details.

Twilight still felt a bit unsure about Sunset’s demeanor but didn’t want to press the issue. “Alright,” she said, “But you know if anything was wrong you could tell me, right?”

Sunset gave another fake smile. “I know Twilight, thanks.”

And with that the bell for first period rang. The girls all headed to their various classes, and Sunset went about her day as though everything in her life was normal.

Author's Note:

I want you to know that I wrote this story while having a depressive episode. Writing it helped take my mind off the bad thoughts.

Please be sure to read the sequel, Sunset's Hope, for the true ending to this story.

Thank you.

Comments

[Antiquarian]

Godspeed to you in dealing with your struggles. Depression is a monster, but, as someone who has lived through it and lives a fulfilling life in spite of periodic episodes, I want to assure you first that it can get better, second that life can still be good even if it never goes away entirely, and third that you are courageous for facing it.

images.viralnova.com/000/041/161/therapist_owl_poster.jpg

To anyone reading this who may be struggling with thoughts of suicide, please know that you can be helped. Your life matters, and the world will be emptier and darker if you are gone. Even if by some twist of fate no one noticed (and it's almost certain someone would know and care), there would still be a phantom pain - an absence that no one would know the source of, but would be felt all the same. We would be diminished by the loss of you. If that wasn't true, then why is it that people willingly choose to spend their days professionally helping complete strangers to realize their own self worth? You matter. Please talk to someone who can remind you of that.

If you're not struggling, but you know people who might be, please share this, especially if you write stories dealing with this subject material - I have therapist friends, and they advised me long ago to pass this along in case the content is a trigger for people.

Suicide Hotline: Link
List of International Suicide Hotlines: Link

[Peni Parker]

9752863
Thank you. I think writing will be a good outlet for my feelings.

[redandready45]

9752979

Writing out your feelings is one of the best ways to deal with your feelings.

I think the story is a bit inconclusive and abrupt, but I feel you are off to a good start anyways.

[Peni Parker]

9753051
I was considering making this a multi-chapter story, but decided to leave Sunset's state of being ambiguous. I think I did this because I myself am unsure of where my depression will lead me.

[redandready45]

9753242

I guess. But the ambiguity is a bit....ambiguous.

The way you wrote it makes it feel incomplete. An ambiguous ending has a mixture of finality. Like Sunset at a crossroads, or something like that.

[Peni Parker]

9753246
Maybe I'll do a sequel somewhere down the line.

[Quinch]

Deep down Sunset knew that what she was saying wasn’t true. Deep down she knew that her friends would rush to her side with all the love and support they could give. But the despair was telling her otherwise, and it was so loud that it drowned out her logical reasoning.

Depression in a nutshell, right there.

[Scampy]

This is one of those stories that I wish didn't exist. It's so painfully true to life that it could only have been written by someone who really, truly knows what it's like to sink into this kind of dissociative depression. I wish you didn't know what that's like. But you do, so here we are.

All the same, thank you for sharing this story. Selfish as this is for me to say, it's kinda nice to be reminded that I'm not the only one who feels disconnected from the world sometimes.

Also real talk, the part where she's too tired for pajamas hit me hard. Like a quarter the clothes I own are cute pink jammies but they just go to waste cuz I'm such a lazy bean.

[Peni Parker]

9862001
Never feel like you're being selfish for wanting to be understood.

[Skyblazer9]

As someone who has Autism, ADHD, OCD and Aspergers Syndrome I KNOW all too well what it's like to deal with despair, depression and anxiety.

One minute I'm cheerful as can be, the next my mood changes I feel so down and low along with negative thoughts and emotions which is very annoying and frustrating to move on from it. Usually a good heartfelt laugh helps me out as does saying a prayer.

[GRYFFINDOR123456]

10403613
I agree. I have Asperger’s Syndrome and I have my high and low days. Sometimes I’m in a really good mood then the next minute I’m snappy or upset, as i often do dwell on past actions and they appear. I know that the best ways to deal with depression(I had a period of it in lockdown) is to vent your feelings out. Although that will be hard if no one in your house even listens to you. If you’re a wallflower(i used to be one ), then my advice to those out there suffering from depression is just find happiness in what you enjoy and when you feel more confident, tell someone you trust what is going on.

[Skyblazer9]

10539703
I know what you, it's frustrating dealing with my high and low days along with my mood changing from good to snappy and angry.

[Poofy_Poof]

She was as depressed as she was last night, but she wasn’t back to her normal, happy self either

Do you mean wasn't?

Sunset could feel Rainbow’s words just becoming white noise, like it was part of the background noise of the hustle and bustle of students getting ready for classes. She wanted to listen to what her friend had to say, but just could.

Here again, wouldn't it be couldn't?
Other than that, painfully realistic story and I loved it.

[Hoping for death]

As if I don't do the same thing.