• Member Since 30th Jun, 2013
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Coronet the lesser


"Writing is easy. All you do is stare at a blank sheet of paper until drops of blood form on your forehead." ~Gene Fowler

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Source

Flurry Heart spent most of her foalhood listening to stories of favourite Aunt Twilight Sparkle's many accomplishments.

Now a young mare seeking her place in the world, Flurry has attempted to model herself in Twilight's image. One could even say that Flurry idolizes her aunt.

Twilight wishes she didn't.

It's time for a chat.


*Set 15 years after the end of Friendship is Magic*

Huge thank you to kalash93 and son_of_heaven176 for their tremendous work on editing and proofreading!



*Coverart is not owned by me, all credit goes to kiwi4578 on Derpibooru*

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 37 )

A bittersweet tale! It's always nice to see Fluffy Heart acted out and it was so well done in this short story! You kept a good character and addressed the change Twilight went through. It's always nice seeing Main Characters as parent or parent-like figures to a new generation.

It could probably use some more editing (in particular, I had to double-check exactly who was speaking from time to time), but overall I really enjoyed this. I'd certainly like to see more, that's for sure!

9773917

Thank you!!! :pinkiehappy:


9773972

I might make a tweak or two in a bit but the reason why it may be a bit difficult to follow who is talking is partly because Twilight speaks quite a bit in this and I didn’t want massive text walls for her speech. May see how I can mitigate that.

Super glad you enjoyed it! :twilightsmile:

This badly needs a serious proofing and editing.

Come, gather 'round, Auntie Twilight about to tell us some lifetime advise! :twilightsmile: :twilightsmile: :yay: :moustache: :pinkiehappy: :pinkiehappy:

In a more of serious note; this is pretty good although just like 9773972 says, I was confused of which one are speaking on few of the sentences.

I like this story. That’s all I really trust myself to say about it. I hope it stays in the feature box for a good long while.

Oh, one minor thing:

Sol Invictus

Should be “Sol Invicta”, the feminine, since Celestia is female.

9774162

Maybe I may have released this a bit too raw. I'll have another look and make some changes. If it still ain't coming together I may have to get an editor to give it a look over


9774250
Thank you! :pinkiehappy:

Darn good job on this one-shot. Yeah, I LOVED the chat between Twilight and Flurry (yeah Twilight made A LOT of good points) as well as the dialogue between Twilight and Starlight at the end. And, wow, Nighttime Glow? She wouldn't be Cozy Glow's daughter would she? And, if she is, I hope she's nowhere near as bad as her mother.

Of course, I have to wonder how Spike is doing now . I would wager that, by now, he would probably be old enough to be at least a head or two taller than your average adult stallion, but one still has to be curious as to how Flurry interacts with her "Uncle Spike".

And one has to wonder where the rest of the Mane Six are (as well as the now adult Cutie Mark Crusaders). I mean, it's probably pretty safe to guess that Applejack is still living and operating mostly at Sweet Apple Acres and Rainbow Dash is most likely Captain of the Wonderbolts by now, but I'm not going to hazard guesses on the others.

Aw, this was nice. One little typo:

“But I was wrong,” Twilight continued. “It unhealthy, and it was unnatural.

9774643
Ah my bad and on such an important part too whoops :pinkiegasp: Glad you enjoyed it! :pinkiehappy:


9774546
Considering the current success this story is enjoying I'll prob do a follow up with the other mane 6. I won't spoil what I have planned but I will confirm that Applejack is still on the farm and is the only member of the group I don't have a story for.

well done!

If it's successful I may continue doing these post-season 9 stories for the rest of the mane 6.

Please do. I imagine Pinkie Pie would have more than a few stories to share with Pound and Pumpkin Cake when they get older. After all, she watched them grow up before her own two eyes, she was like a big sister to them.

Oh, so very bittersweet. ...Oh so very much, but so beautiful.

9774866
I can now confirm I will be doing a follow up for the rest of the mane 6. Prob be Rainbow and Fluttershy next, then Pinkie and finally Rarity I'd say. But we'll see!

9774947
Well thank you!

9774162

This badly needs a serious proofing and editing sequel!

This is a very good one-shot.

This was cute a shit. More please.

“You need to listen to your father more; the only time a pony can be brave is when they are afraid,” said Twilight.

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that there is something more important than fear." -Franklin Delinor Roosevelt

This is an absolutely lovely one shot, touching on some very real issues that each of us has probably dealt with or seen in our own lives, mortal as they may be. It had feels, it made sense, the characters were on point, and it was perfectly self contained. Lovely work.

This was cute. And a little fun, and silly. It's nice to see a version of Flurry that's just a person rather than some big deal. :)

Awwwww... Loved it! :twilightsmile:

Pretty good, although you really lean a bit too heavily on italics for emphasis. Once or twice every few paragraphs is fine, but you do it in practically every sentence. And yeah, you need a serious bit of editing to do, as well. You frequently break into a new paragraph in the middle of the same character speaking.

9778100

Thanks for the feedback! As I said earlier, I really tried to ensure that I didn't have Twilight text walling the conversation but clearly I have caused some major confusion breaking the dialogue into paragraphs. I think it's partly because Flurry is pretty silent through Twilight's speech so I may add additional dialogue to fix this.

As for the italics, in hindsight you are correct, I overused them and I will try and weed some of the redundant ones out in a bit!

9778191
An easy way to prevent text walling is to remember that characters tend to be doing stuff other than just speaking during conversations. They fidget, stare into their teacups, look around the room... All sorts of things. Always consider the staging of your scenes as if they were a movie. You'd be terribly bored by a constant two shot of talking heads, wouldn't you? So, find things for the characters to do as they talk which help to convey their emotional state to the reader.

And again, using italics to try and handhold a reader's emotional reactions is a sign that you lack confidence in your writing to do so. Avoid font changes, colored text, and other types of special effects.

9777330
Easy to make Flurry on point. Since She’s a baby in the show.


Good story :twilightsmile:

Yeah, Twilight and Cadance would be hard acts to follow as a young alicorn - you've captured that theme really well :twilightsmile:

A soft smile graced my face at the end.

Nothing more is needed, I deem.

9774441

Tell you what, if you want, I'll be happy to proof for you. Would you like that?

9780177

That is an extraordinarily kind offer, if you’re willing to give it a proofread then I would be delighted! Of course I will credit you in such a case!

I can DM with the link to the google doc if that’s cool.

9780203
Send away. :twilightsmile: I'm at work right now but I'll take it on.

Great story. I love how Flurry is trying to follow/emulate Twilight even in speech and mannerisms. Twilight's speech is very fitting advice to her. And here's to hoping Flurry makes amends to Twilight's Student.

All the best for the sequel

Pretty good story. I agree with what has been said so far:-you did a very good job of fleshing out the way that the years would have affected both the original and the new generations. However, it still requires a bit of editing, especially in dealing with the paragraph formatting in the last few paragraphs. If you want someone to go through it, I'm willing to help.

9781720
Kalash93 has kindly offered to give it a once over for proofreading but if you want a look at it too for some of the formatting issues, the more the merrier!

I will of course credit you for any help given! :twilightsmile:

I can pm the google doc link if you want

Flurry Dork is cute and adventures of hers would be fun yes

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