HeWhoConquers
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Can u tell us what he looks like, please? And his cutie mark too, please. I will be watching this fic.
9739570
I've always found that the MC can look however you want them to look when an author doesn't give a description. I've known some authors that intentionally do that so the reader CAN make the MC whoever they want them to be. Maybe this is the case? IDK.
Sorry about that. Ill do it in the next chapter
Great story so far I can't wait to read more.
Okay so let's start. First of all I recommend getting an editor. This is riddled with spelling and grammatical errors. The first mare came across as jarringly blunt, even for an RGRE story. That might just be me.
You could try axing the blowjob comment, maybe just have her condesce him a little more. Again, just a suggestion.
With a little polish, this could be a great my dude.
Loving this story. Adding it to my favorites.
We wears you mean He wears
Its looking good thus far, could do with more words per chapter but its fine. Keep it going.
Christ, and this is just the description.
Thanks for the update!! I can't wait to see how this pans out!
This feels... manipulative....
Okay, I'm interested, but I couldn't even bring myself to check it out after seeing how bad just the description is. With that in mind, I'm going to try to fix the description for you. This is meant as constructive criticism.
Raven Feather is a Pegasus stallion in a world were stallions are seen as defenseless foals. So what will Raven do when he moves to Ponyville, the home of1 his heroes and tries to get a job from one of the biggest fashionistas in Equestria?
Lets see, why don't we?
RGRE, will contain smut.
Numerous failures to capitalize, a few extra spaces, missed apostrophes, dropped words and misspellings (which were actually pointed out by the site's own spellchecker). 1 is a matter of opinion; this could be either "the home of" or "home to". I hope this helps; having the description fixed might draw others in to look at the story itself. As it stands, I just can't- reading something this sloppy feels like a chore.
Ok. First of all. I really like this story. Most RGRE stories are Displaced Human stories. Very few cover males born into that culture. Its different and I like it. Someone made a comment about the "blowjob" reference. I have no problem with this, because this is how most RGRE stories portray Mares as acting, in public, with Stallions.
Now for my problem. He walks into the boutique. He interacts with Rarity, standing up in the middle of the store. He kisses her in thanks, standing up in the middle of the store. He falls asleep standing up in the middle of the store. Rarity pulls a blanket up over both of them and joins him in sleep......standing up in the middle of the store.
Um......What?
That can easily be fixed by adding a paragraph or two to the story, changing the location to her room or her fainting couch..(.Would a gender roll changed Rarity have a fainting couch?) seems more like a Stallion thing. She probably does have a sofa. Sofa would be the best bet as its not as intimate.
Other than that, keep up the good work and Im looking forward to more.
The Monk
Winona let out a bark and immediately ran up to Armor and started licking his muzzle, tail wagging like she was promised cake if she did it enough. -Snakeskin Ducttape
Sock wearing is interesting. I hope there is a reason for it or that he isn't aware of it.
As for the writing. A bit clunky in the dialogue. Sure, the goal is clear for the chapter, but the way they got there could be handled better I think. Besides that, there is only one other problem.
The herding.
There is nothing bad about it, but it seems strange that all of them instantly agree to it. It is a big decision and they have never even seen the colt. If Rarity had shown them at least a photo. Though if he is that beautiful that they all instantly want him, it would probably bring up the question how his life has been. Is he oblivious to his beauty, or aware of it? He could think that every colt gets treated like that and that he isn't anything special. You could even play a little and think about the possibility if his beauty isn't the only magnet. Maybe he could be cursed too if you like to go for an adventurous aspect with an interesting past.
Other than that we probably should have seen more interaction before this table scene. It seems a bit fast-paced. Or it could be seen as it without ever seeing him starting off at her boutique. To see how they behave towards each other during work. The sock tidbit is interesting and I bet there are many more interesting things during the time they work, or at the start when they try to figure out how to work together.
Just to give you a few ideas on what you can do.
9852737
i appreciate the feedback and am grateful for the constructive criticism. your note, "Rarity pulls a blanket up over both of them and joins him in sleep......standing up in the middle of the store." is counter balanced with "Rarity gave him a gentle smile before leading him over to a nearby sofa." while even i got caught in the same problem when i re-read it it does say that she lead him to the sofa.
regardless i appreciate the comment and will try and be more clear in the future.
9855036
Dam, your right.
I missed it twice.
The Monk
“On her doorstep was Twilight Sparkle. While Derpy deeply respected the mare, like most in Ponyville, they wished she'd either switch to decaf, or start hitting the harder stuff.” -Dan_s Comments
Love the story, really like this take on an rgre.
One thing I noticed is that you seem to have issues with punctuation and capitalization, but those aren't really big problems.
I really like this story. Chap 3 was the last thing I would have ever expected, but I like where this is going.
DONT READ UNTILL YOU FINISH CHAP 3
CONTAINS SPOILERS
And here I am staring blankly ahead wondering how to phrase what I want to say. I can't use innocence, because sex and innocence don't go together in most peoples minds. even though there is nothing that says emotionally innocent people can't fuck like broncos. Although the mind and the bodies biological urges are separate and have little to do with each other, people can't mentally pair them together........Ok, so how do I put this?.....Hurmmmm..
Try not to loose what makes your story special. That nieve dependency on mares that almost no other story even hits on. As well as that fact that although he doesn't like the fact that he is dependent on them, he doesn't see it in himself. I don't mind the sex thing, because we all have facets to our personalities. Even the quietest introvert has a sexual side, and it is very, very true that its the quietest ones that are the kinkiest. I learned this first hand in high school. The quietest, most introverted loner of a girl you could possibly imagine had the most warped, kinkiest fantasies that she wanted to try out. (I, a teenaged boy full of testosterone, was ok with this. Go figure.)
It will be fun to see how you balance innocent schoolgirl in public, sexual tiger in private.
Should be an absolutely fun ride.
Im looking forward to more.
The Monk
“Heat? isn't that when... I took a whiff of air when I smelled a smelly smell that smells smelly.” -The Kitsune
Yes u updated!!!!!!!
9791144
Exactly. I hate it when it's like that, but I also don't want it to change. I hope he rejects them.
So the guy isn't a fan of herds. Makes sense. Respectable.
When's the next chapter?
I have the feeling that this is gonna end badly.
and the RGRE curse strikes again.
Monk
Cock you said xock
I liked this one. I hope that you’ll find the inspiration/time to continue with it, maybe as a sequel?
The typeos didn’t even bother me.
Good job
Keep
Thought
You need to use capital letters in these words that I've marked. After "Oh come on Rarity" there needs to be a comma.
Too
There must be a space after the period.
Than
Now this time, you don't need to capitalize these words.
I'll
Down
Have you considered getting a proofreader or proofreading software?
There are a lot of typos and grammatical errors in this chapter. Other than that, I like the plot.
His personality made a complete 180 here with barely any explanation. I’d like to see some progression instead of just being told it’s happened.
The backstory is a good start but could use a little more. Nobles and herds in a society that prizes colts and stallions would in a lot of trouble for the physical and emotional neglect inflicted upon MC most prominently when he’s a minor.