Luna Never Went to the Moon: Equestria's Thousand-Year Swindle

by Rambling Writer

Chapter 2

Equestria seems peaceful now, but it was not always so. Hundreds of years ago, villains casually ran amok across Equestria, sowing chaos wherever they went (sometimes literally). Naturally, our dear princesses would have none of that. But as they kept smashing villains down and yet more kept popping up, they knew that something needed to be done. Something drastic. And would could be more drastic than Celestia hurling Luna straight to the moon like some magical fastball special?

If that seems insane, well, it is. Look at how easy it was for me to figure out it was faked. But at the time, nopony would’ve questioned it. Think about it: if Celestia is so dedicated to the safety of Equestria that she would hurl her own sister and confidant out of this world, what would she do to an actual enemy? Why do you think Equestria has existed for so long without wars? Is it because Celestia is a shrewd politician with more years of experience than most ponies have had hot meals, or because her enemies thought she would banish them to the moon if they didn’t fall in line?

Even better: with Luna apparently gone, she could run around Equestria however she wished, do whatever she wanted, striking at our country’s foes with the Elements of Laughter, Honesty, Loyalty, and Surprise. Surely, constantly patrolling an entire country couldn’t tax even an alicorn, could it?

I questioned a royal guard about this. He said he was just a doorstallion and didn’t know a thing about tactics, but I persisted. When pressed, he said he didn’t know a thing about the princesses’ combat capabilities, but their recent track record left a lot to be desired. (Which is saying a lot, coming from the Royal Guard.) I forged on. Were they out of practice? Equestria has been peaceable for centuries. Had Luna grown complacent from her easy victories beforehoof? Had Celestia put on a few dozen pounds from all that cake-eating? Perhaps I had touched a nerve, for this was when another guard showed up and chased me out of the barracks.

Regardless, it worked. Luna “returned” and, with her unable to patrol Equestria’s borders anymore, suddenly villains began showing up like clockwork, once or twice a season. This can’t be a coincidence. It’s not like two unrelated things ever happen at the same time. And with Luna taking up dreamwalking duties that hadn’t been held for centuries, it wasn’t like Celestia could appoint her Princess Protector of the Realm to do the exact same job and also give her a contingent of guards for assistance. No. Although the princesses had the foresight to execute this plan flawlessly for a thousand years, once it came time for the next step, they were hopeless.

The guards I talked to said this was improbable. The guards I talked to said Celestia and Luna could never be that incompetent. The guards I talked to said they were on lunch break and I shouldn’t follow them into restaurants. But could I expect any less from them? They were soldiers, devoted to the princesses by their mere job. Job loyalty is overrated; that’s why I don’t have any, even if it meant I got fired. (Selling those plans to General Arcanics was not espionage, it was reverse engineering!)

Of course, the simple nature of the hoax itself meant it was easy to fake, right from the start. Luna puts on a big show of becoming Nightmare Moon, prompting Celestia and her to fight — in a conveniently out-of-the-way location. Only Celestia emerges, with a sob story about having to banish Luna, for sympathy points. Luna stays out of the public eye. One millennium later, a bunch of random ponies are pushed to find the Elements of Harmony. An illusion makes it look like Nightmare Moon is purified by the Elements (and surely the “Bearers” won’t notice a thing; they’re just simple country ponies!). Celestia and Luna make up in the space of ten seconds and everypony’s happy. How quick. How easy. How fake.

And how did Celestia and Luna conceive of this plan? What thoughts were going through their minds as they executed it? My own speculation on that matter concludes this book.

Comments

[Stellar_]

suddenly villains began showing up like clockwork, once or twice a season.

I love how this both is and isn't a fourth wall break

[Dashie04]

This guy has about as much sense as conspiracy theorists IRL.

They might have one or two good points, but the rest is just complete bullcrap.