- Member Since 15th Jul, 2019
- offline last seen 15 minutes ago
Tael_Spinner
Just a simple writer trying to make her way in this universe.
Tael_Spinner
Joined 15th Jul, 2019 ·
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This was an enjoyable read, despite being a bit more tell-y about events as the story progressed.
My only real criticism is the rape. Not because of what it is, but due to being unnecessary for what was seemingly accomplished with it. Could just be me, though.
I'll keep an eye out for the other story you said you were working on.
9744125
Definitely agree on the tell-y part. Was one of the reasons I am less happy with the second half. Unfortunately life got a bit in the way to improve it to be more like the first half.
On the other issue, there needed to be a catalyst and can't say I chose well. Is part of why I tried to stay with aluding to it more than showing. I actually like Aria outside of this piece. I know that she could also have been improved if the whole piece was given the attention it deserved.
Thank you for reading and the feedback.
9744140
Understandable. Life (and my brain) often dictates how much attention I give something, or how complex it's woven. And if I can't give it enough attention or detail, I might not work on it at all until I can.
9744747
Thinking on it, the pay-off for the scene at the start could probably be made clearer. It is with Crescendo's unspoken love of a child for her mother being the first thing to begin to charge up her mother's new crystal. If I had given better development to Aria, as I should have, it probably would have been clearer. A re-write would also change the opening bit for Aria making it that she would come to terms with the events to a degree before carefully disclosing them to Monochrome instead of us the reader having the implied scenes we are given. Would mean changing how Monochrome and Aria meet but is an option.
If the main OCs in this story were voiced, what would they sound like?
9756825
Not a question I've really had before. Unfortunately, I can't point at someone or pony and say any of them sound like them as I simply don't know.
There is also an explanation as to why I missed making their voices clearer. I usually write in third person perspective and was using this story as a bit of a challenge to write my second ever piece and first long piece in first person perspective. As a result, I unintentionally left the descriptions of their voices out as I focused on the challenge itself. Purely my fault and would be picked up with further development.
That being said, I try to leave it to the thoughts and experiences of the reader to come up with their inner voice for the characters with exception to those for whom I deliberately tweak the dialogue.
Best example here is the minotaur. He is definitely of the upper crust of whatever society he comes from. Very well spoken, deep sounding but with a mean/sinister streak.
Having said that, I will try to give my thoughts on how I hear them. Just remember, this is somewhat malleable as some earmarked changes to the story could alter their voices to me as we delve a little deeper into the characters.
Pyrus - We only get his voice at the end which is very much that of a young colt. His adult voice would have been deep, calm and assuring.
Young Selene - A very soft voice, somewhat an opposite from Luna.
Human Monochrome - A very go-with-the-flow voice. Maybe a little husky, probably from mumbling. But not a surfer dude like Shining Armor. It wouldn't be a very memorable voice either as Monochrome tends to blend into the background in many ways.
Adult Selene - Actually a really hard one for me to figure out. It would be a fuller voice than her younger self but still rather soft, even tired. Somewhat strained at times, especially after arriving at the hospital in the middle of the story. Before that, she was a little cheerier sounding, but that was mostly from the fascination she found with everything new and fantastical she encountered. She grew more sombre as she encountered Equestria's darker elements, which made her a rather withdrawn character who works more in the background and tries not to draw too much attention to herself. After all, Luna kind of sucks all the public attention to her, not that Selene minds.
Whether it is Monochrome or Selene, neither really puts on a facade, personality wise and both are rather excitable over things they find of interest, just I didn't give a good show of that for Selene in the current version.
With all of the characters, what passions drive them usually dictate how they sound. Wish I could be more definitive but that's the best I can give in answer to your question. Hope that gives an idea, even though it is a little wishy-washy and non-committal from me. Truthfully, I really don't know.
Honestly the entire story was well written overall, the only thing I wish we had was aria pyrus and Selene I think would have made a lovely herd, maybe it’s just me but imagining pyrus having foals with those two just pops into my head
9764654
Truthfully, I hadn't thought of that. Interesting. Will keep it in mind. Had an idea pop into my head earlier today regarding the back story for Aria to play out in the rewrite. Still needs a little more to justify the amount of work needed.
9764912
Time reveals all at its own paces in its own ways, sometimes more eyes and minds lead to more branches becoming forseeable
Under the original design for Selene, she had an ability called "Shadow Step" which would allow her to pass through from one shadow to another. I removed it when I came up with the full arc of the story.
The main time it would have been used was in escaping the airship. This was replaced with what both Sickle and Pyrus do which I personally found more entertaining and active.
Maybe I'll find a pony to gift it to in the future...
This was a good story I came across, I enjoyed reading it ^_^
9764654
Oh I agree, also I dont know what it is. But I like seeing herds due to how different they are in its nature and culture from ours.
9897462
I'll give you this but keep it in spoilers for those yet to see the epilogue: The group is still together and possibly, but not explicitly declared, a herd by the time we see them in the up-coming companion piece which is set many years later. As a rough timeline, the companion piece is set before the first regeneration Selene witnesses Pyrus undertake.
However, I will be trying my hand at the beginnings of a declared herd in the companion piece. Not sure how well it will go as it will be my first official attempt at one.
9897771
Well I look forward to seeing how it will go ^_^, it always a treat to come across small fics I like that isn't widely known.
This should probably be "seized".
Heh, snooter
Jeez Aria at least but her dinner first!
Articuno? Dat you?
Say wha?
Oww my heart
You are the first to spot that. (fixed)
10032568
When closer to or on my A game, making people suffer the feels is a thing I do.
Hehehe
Good, I'm glad we did get some closure on those two plot threads.
10032758
One of my absolute favourite moments in this chapter was everything around the line "Just asking for a friend."
Somewhat sad-yet-happy in the end. Nice~
Was hoping for a romance between Selene and Aria, darn. Must admit having the protagonist revealed as an alicorn, and a daughter of Luna on top of that make me iffy as many writers would handle it poorly, but overall you pulled it off well!
10168352
Thank you. There will eventually be an overhaul of this story and a large part of that would be better showing of the relationship between Selene and Aria.
Best way to look at alicorns, in my opinion, is that they are really just slightly bigger, longer lived a little more powerful unicorns who can fly. Just treat them as any other character. Give them flaws and limitations. It is how they work with and around those limitations that make characters interesting, not making them super powered.
Wow, insanely short, but it didn't need more than what was written. I have to say, I really enjoyed this fic.
10471080
Thank you. Glad you enjoyed it. I wish the upgrade wasn't completely on hold right now, but A Deer Named John has kind of taken over my life (even if the current chapter is taking forever). I still want to see this story better fleshed out and its eventual companion piece finally written.
10471097
Well, I'll be sure to read it again then when it gets redone.
I'm always a sucker for stories where a human discovers that they're related to a pone.
Read and upvoted. Had some nice imagery.
Criticism: Towards the end it felt a bit illogical in the worldbuilding and the actions of surrounding ponies. Final battle and volcano incident looks like it was tossed in to make sure it was included instead of a planned part of the world/storyline.
And main reason for this note: I compared TXT between A and B, and find little to no difference. Perhaps uploaded wrong edits when you made your changes?
I believe there is no non-consensual version around and whatever happened to Aria in the EQG world remains a mystery to me.
10983864
Going to place some parts in spoilers as they are part of the eventual re-write, while others are there more to keep any new readers from being spoiled.
Your criticism is very welcome and deserved as I know that I failed this story as it currently stands. I haven't been able to go back and fix it yet. The differences between the A and B versions were small but are there to show me not shying away from my failures of this one. The differences aren't big enough to allow it to be posted as two separate versions of the story under the site rules. This was a compromise and a poor one at that (something that reared its head early on with the current story I am working on, but I eventually caved on and fixed).
A lot of the problems with the later sections stem from external factors influencing too much of the writing at the time. I want to eventually get back into it and fix particularly the Aria thread in the later section. Part of this fix would make it clearer what actually happened to her in that earlier moment. It would show her coming to terms with what happened to her as well as the situation she then found herself in. I didn't handle the writing of what happened, let alone the interaction with an audience for the first time, especially while working on the story and wanting to get it out, very well with the hindsight gained. I left too much about the early incident open to interpretation and that is planned to be part of the eventual fix (which I will be touching on in a spoiler below.
What actually happened was after the whole defeat at the battle of the bands, the Dazzlings split up with Aria running with a particular group (name of which I never settled on). She and a guy from that group got together but the relationship deteriorated very fast after their first few times together. Aria still had the mentality she had, from the Dazzlings, of her ability to control people and get them to do whatever she wanted. Without the magic, the guy she was with never was under her control and so, being a similar personality type. he tried to control her. Aria discovers her pregnancy and tries to hide it. The guy finds out and the event which took place after was him attacking her which the main character (too many names) came across and stepped in to help stop. They were all things that needed Aria to have time to think through before even daring to raise them with anyone else, especially when she isn't exactly the trusting type, even before the incident. Again, it would have played out during that time before the birth. Needing to have so much time pass was another failure of the story which would have been helped by more planning.
There are many reasons why I didn't handle it well, the main being that I was incredibly low mentally and emotionally for several reasons at the time and the story was something small I could do to try and ward off the darker things my brain was contemplating. As such, a lot of the scenes, let alone the chapters, were written out of sequence. The very first scene I wrote was the reveal of her being Luna's child. It was simply one of the few things I was holding onto at the time and I built around it, often jumping around the story doing scenes that helped me hang in there and fill in the rest later. It wasn't a good method when I didn't have everything fleshed out in my head.
Another part of the reasoning is that the story was actually three story ideas all smashed together. They sort of worked together but needed a lot more planning than I could mentally give them at the time. One of the later chapters (the one where the crystal is remade) actually had me stuck for a long time and I don't doubt that chapter suffered as a result.
The tail bit of the story with the volcano needed me to go more into what the character actually was before then. That was a major failure on my part. It would need to be covered a bit more in the repair of this story, but is also earmarked as an important part of the planned follow up story. Other than being focused on another story which was never intended to become the monster it now is, the follow up story is being held up by an issue I am still struggling to solve: the point of view for the first chapter and how much to give away in the very beginning.
Great summary. All of my questions answered in one post.
I didn’t notice while reading that it was written out-of-sequence, but it does explain why events are kept so separate from one another without mingling together.
Now some random ideas after reading your post (feel free to ignore):
My thoughts about the volcano was that the fact-section described it as a trip to the mall while a whole entourage struggled to get there like it was the end. The events was more like "go shop for a new" and go home. It was odd they haven’t made the trip sooner?
Everyone among his closest (but not the reader) should be aware of the process after a lifetime together, so instead there could be anxiety regarding if it would work or not that plagued them? Many of the original beings were gone as the jump failed, and that fear is what kept him waiting until the "last minute". Perhaps the additional alicorns brought along was to bring some minor blessing to try and tip the scale to a positive result?
About Aria incident: One way to deal with depicting the actions without having to actually push in a lot of tags, is to mix in the aftermath in the story.
So after a quick rescue-fight everything may appear "normal and happy" at first, but as time moves on tidbits adds to the confusion.
Like having Aria awaken from nightmares. Cries over her stomach. Recoils from surprise touch. And various hints in the ensuing dialogue that she can’t trust people who claim SomeThing. And recovery can be hinted when she says not all SomeThing-sayers are bad. And towards the end she’s able to speak openly about the old incident and how she’s now just an experience richer.
(When dealing with background, I believe vague traces are better than a lot of explanations. It’s already in the past so no reason for a deep dive. Also gives the reader the freedom to make his own headcanon on the details.)
10983993
The idea with what Pyrus is: He is an elemental ancient being. Extremely rare to encounter (ignoring the fact a second one will be in the follow up story). So rare that information on them barely exists outside of myth or legend. When at full strength, they are capable of creating new land as they are the embodiment of magma. Diving back into magma replenishes them.
Pyrus knows what he is and what can make him whole again, but he has been happy living with the others even with his mutism. When so aged, he could no longer put it off or he would actually die, but he also physically couldn't tell the others what he was doing or why. The others actually didn't know the lava would do what it did. The rest of them are incredibly long lived or are sustained by magic. The latter is the case for Aria in this story. Sickle goes through the phoenix life cycle frequently. Maybe there was a hunch from Celestia or Luna but nothing concrete.
From the view of the others, their friend has aged in front of them and they have been preparing for his end in a way, when he suddenly wants to go somewhere as if being called to the place he wants to rest, or, even a land with others like him. Selene simply wants to help him get to where he wants to be. She expected him to pass away soon which makes her want to help him get where he wants to go as a sort of last gift; to also have him know he was not alone at the end. Everything else she never expected.
With Aria's story thread, it is something I have ideas for but would also have to let the version of her in my head feel out how she wants to handle it. I know she will bristle at first but it would be a learning curve for her. It would also probably get peppered throughout the rewrite of the story with a few new moments in the early and middle section, though a lot of her earlier thread is about survival/getting to safety; not unlike the main character.
Another aspect I would want to work on is better defining the relationships of the main characters. Particularly that of the main character. This is something I have been practicing and is a major theme of the current story I am working on.
As much as I like irony, doing that to the minotaur was needlessly cruel.