I trusted those monsters. Ever since my life has been a living hell, all I ever wanted and needed is a peaceful life full of comfort, understanding, make good friends, you name it. And what did I get in return? Beaten, bullied, neglected, abused, mocked, humiliated, everything. Then one day, before I went to attempt suicide by falling off and into the lake to drown myself, I made one wish of both heaven and hell that would make me regret later. Even if the ones that did hurt me would try to make amends, it can't undo my wish nor my decision of never trusting anyone ever again. Not even the false power of "Friendship is Magic" can stop this wish.
Chapters (2)
Interesting
Oh please do go on!
?
.....You keep referring to Sunset as HE/HIS.
Is this gonna continue?
Interesting.
General Kenobi
Ummm I'm sorry but WTF is all this?! It just jumping around and Makes no sense.
10461728
Elaborate please, exactly what doesn't make sense to you?
10461760
Well it has a nice start, but after that.
It jumps around, there no build up, no focus on any of the characters, just a brief oh this happen and that happen, and everything is quicky mentioned and then zips to the next bit.
I mean what is the actual story, the guy was abused and mistreated, yeah he tried to kill himself yeah, his best friend is heartbroken ok.
But all the other stuff neglect, tormented there no real details no what, why and how.
Instead of focusing a bit on scoota and some of the other characters in the aftermath of the guy attempt to kill himself, and such.
It just jumps ahead to this, Scoota was attacked, Luna had a heart attack, Cranky got into accident blah blah blah blah blah on the other characters.
Some I get are background characters but what about the rest?
Why was Celestia crying, was it because of the student who tried to end his life or was it because of the other stuff, does this take place before or after everything is going nuts?
I don't know, thus it makes no impact or anything. or really add to the story.
there no focus on any of them.
Now all the sudden that same victim seems to know what happening and he blaming himself or something...i don't know...Did he have a vision, did he learn thrua vision a dream or did he have a SHINING moment?
Then there the two characters that arrive on earth i think.......They just mentioned and if they suddenly appear in the next chapter I wouldn't care.
Why because again there was no build up or anything so far, you skipped ahead to everyne getting hurt or killed or so.
i get you were trying to write a horror element but....ummm...you went about it all wrong. Again i'm sorry but it's how I feel on this chapter.
I may not like horror all that much but I do know one thing, there needs to be a good build up leading to the horrors, there should be more on the characters reacting to the aftermath of his attempt to kill himself, isntead you just skipped it all,
then jump to everyone dying ro nearly dying and the guy knows it's his fault ro something....again no idea what that scene was...
10461779
Hmmm, I guess you could be right. Might have jumped the board a little off. Well, I can just remove this chapter for later to rewrite it and focus on a new chapter detailing some of the aftermath in Canterlot High. Will this be fine to you if it makes you feel better?
10462043
LOL...Wow didn't think i that important.
Ok if that what you want to do, but it not just for me, i think a lot of readers would like that.
Gives more impact to the story, and to make make it easier to decide how one feels about what happens to the victims.
i mean i love to know why did they treat him like that, do theyr egert it,. or so.
Why did the CMC save him when it seems they were part of the group that hurt him so much.
Also will the cops fall victim to, for not doing enough to investigate what happened to him.
This is a good so far. It’s still a start so it’s hard to say for certain how it’ll turn out (if you continue
). It’s still rough but with a little bit of fixing (some grammatical errors here and there) this might turn out to be a good read.
I really hope you do continue this
. I want to know who your MC is, how much time actually passed and what his wish was (and if it came true). Well, thanks for this short story and hope you are doing well out there.
Where is the other story before this
Seems to me that celestia and luna are finally gonna get what they deserve.
11103099
Actually seems something was keeping them from noticing?
Plus the first of it is confusing something or someone got something and messing everyone up.
I'm sorry it super hand to follow this thing.
11103273
I don’t think so. Based on what we’ve heard celestia and luna were being neglectful before anything strange got involved.