Roc Banned

by AlexTFish

A Mare's Nest

"Rarity? I need your help."

The sudden voice startled Rarity away from her sketching. She had an hour between Generosity lessons, so she'd been taking the opportunity to do a little creative designing (though she knew she probably should have been grading homework). She hadn't expected any visitors to her classroom, certainly not anyone speaking in such businesslike tones. She looked up and said in surprise, "Why, Mayor Mare! Welcome to the School of Friendship. To what do we owe the honour?"

"I need your help," the mayor repeated. "We have a marauding roc terrorising the countryside outside Ponyville. I understand you have experience of dealing with these creatures, so I came to you."

"Oh..." Rarity hesitated. "I... wasn't exactly much help the last time that we faced one of those. Zecora and I needed Spike and Twilight to rescue us!"

Mayor Mare, like any civil servant, was not easily flapped. "I have every confidence in your abilities," the mayor assured her. "But I'm sure you could take some of your friends if that'd help."

"Ooh, what's this? A quest?" Pinkie Pie paused in her bouncing past the classroom. "I'd be happy to help!"

"That's very kind of you, Pinkie," Rarity smiled. "But we need to deal with a dangerous roc, so I thought the natural choice would be..."

"Maud! Of course!" exclaimed Pinkie. "I'll go get her right away!"

"Er, I was thinking more of Fluttershy..." Rarity said helplessly to the disappearing cloud of dust where Pinkie Pie had been.

---

"... So I'm terribly sorry, Maud darling, but Pinkie obviously heard me say 'roc', as in the giant bird, and thought I said 'rock', as in the... ah, stony substance...?" Rarity trailed off, staring briefly into the distance as she tried to find a word for "rock" other than "rocky stuff", let alone a synonym that might be acceptable to Maud Pie. She shook her head and kept walking along the path, continuing, "So it's up to you really. We apologise for dragging you out of your cavern, but you're welcome to either come with us or return home, as you wish. It might be dangerous though..."

Maud looked steadily at Rarity, then at Fluttershy, the Mayor and Pinkie Pie. "I'm sure I'll be fine," she said.

"Right. Yes. Of course."

Indeed, Maud was probably the most able to take care of herself of all of the motley group, Rarity reflected. Fluttershy, Pinkie and herself had a fair amount of experience of being terrified by various monsters, but the Mayor might be the least suited of them all to an adventure.

The conversation lapsed into silence as the five ponies walked down the road out of town. After a minute or two, Mayor Mare said conversationally, "Rarity, I've been meaning to ask your advice on something."

"Do go on?"

Gesturing to her silver mane, Mayor Mare continued, "My regular supplier of mane dye closed down. I've been going to Zecora for dyes since then, but her concoctions are a lot of work, and I'm always somewhat... nervous in case they might have unintended effects." Rarity shuddered at the suggestion. Fluttershy stopped walking for long enough to put a comforting leg around her shoulders. The mayor concluded, "Can you recommend a good brand of dye from a more... commercial source?"

"I've never understood why you dye your mane at all, Mayor!" interjected Pinkie Pie. "Your natural colour is such a lovely bright pink!"

The older mare looked somewhat wistful. "I have fond memories of my pink days, indeed. But I used to find ponies didn't really take me seriously as a new mayor. I tried dyeing as an experiment, and the change in attitude was palpable. It was one of my leadership achievements, to be honest. Everypony said it gives me more gravitas."

"I didn't!" chirped Pinkie.

"Each pony has her own style," Rarity said hastily. "Pink suits you, Pinkie, but if the mayor finds grey works for her, that's entirely her prerogative."

"Grey is a wonderful colour," commented Maud neutrally. "Some of my favourite rocks are grey."

Mayor Mare nodded. "Thank you, Maud." She turned her attention more fully to the taciturn geologist. "I understand you're something of an expert on minerals. Is that right?"

"I have a rocktorate from the Equestrian Institute of Rockology."

"Does that give you insights into the rocks around you when you're in a place like this?" Mayor Mare gestured around at the sparse terrain surrounding them.

"It gives me insight into the rocks around me wherever I am," Maud said solemnly.

"Right..." Mayor Mare paused, then persevered, "So can you tell us anything interesting about, say, these boulders?"

"Those aren't boulders," said Maud. "They're droppings from a roc."

The ponies around did a double take. Fluttershy murmured, "Oh my. So we're in its territory already."

Rarity shuddered. "I am definitely not looking forward to meeting another of those fearsome birds. Last time I got carried halfway across the Everfree Forest before Spike made it drop me!"

"I didn't mean that kind of dropping," Maud clarified.

Rarity coughed. "Ahem. Yes, I... Never mind." She smiled brightly and added, "I imagine you must be fond of rocs, eh, Maud?"

"Actually, rocs have very little in common with rocks," said Maud. "For example, very few rocks can hang in the sky the way that roc can."

Rarity's wide eyes followed Maud's pointing hoof to the sky behind her, where there was indeed a gigantic bird circling slowly, glaring malevolently straight at them.

"Now, nopony panic," said Fluttershy firmly. She cleared her throat and called up, "Hello there! We'd like to ask you some questions, if that's okay?"

The huge bird screeched at her. Fluttershy gasped and said firmly, "That's not very polite! We just want to talk."

"What did it say?" asked Rarity nervously.

Fluttershy whispered, "She, um, called us 'lunch'."

Mayor Mare swallowed.

The roc let out another fierce cry and launched itself towards the ponies. Pinkie Pie, Rarity and Mayor Mare broke and ran for cover. Fluttershy stood her ground, Maud beside her, and called out, "I'm going to give you one more chance! We can help you find some other source of food!"

The only reply was a hiss from the swiftly-approaching creature. Fluttershy yelped and dove to the ground, pressing herself against the dirt. Peering between her hooves, though, she could see the talons swooping towards her, with no room to dodge. There was nothing for her to do now but watch, as...

A large stone flew past her and hit the roc's claw, knocking it off course. The vicious talons missed grasping Fluttershy by a few inches. She turned round in shock, to see Maud watching the roc's flight path as she aimed her hind legs to kick another rock. "You should follow the others. I'll catch up," Maud told her calmly.

"R-right!" Fluttershy squeaked, and ran.

She found Pinkie, Rarity and the Mayor huddling up at the base of a sheer cliff. They'd retreated into a former quarry, and found themselves in a dead end: they were surrounded by rock faces on all sides except where they'd come from.

Pinkie Pie didn't seem bothered by being trapped with no escape. Looking at the hard, jagged cliffs around her, she turned to the others with a broad smile and crowed, "Hey! Guess what? It looks like we might be trapped between... a roc and–"

"Pinkie Pie! This is no time for jokes!" Rarity was nearly panicking. "How do we get out of here?! I don't want to be carried off by a roc!"

"Aww, you're no fun." Pinkie Pie sighed, and rubbed her chin thoughtfully. "How about I distract the roc by letting off a stink bomb? In this enclosed space, it oughta mask our scent."

Fluttershy shook her head. "I'm afraid that won't work. Rocs actually have a poor sense of smell, but excellent eyesight, especially for colours. It'll still see us easily against the cliff."

"Maybe we could tunnel through the rock?" Pinkie suggested brightly.

Maud said, "I don't think we can dig through it in time. This wall is granite, one of the hardest rocks. You can tell from the texture and the grey colour."

Pinkie Pie gasped. "The grey colour! Maud, you're a genius!"

Rarity blinked. "She is? I-I mean, I'm sure she is, but..."

"No time to explain!" Pinkie Pie barked. "Mayor, go and climb halfway up the cliff! Maud, take off your dress and stand on that boulder! And as for you two..." Pinkie turned her face towards Rarity and Fluttershy, who quailed.

"What are you planning, Pinkie Pie...?"

"I said there's no time to explain!" exclaimed the ominous pink figure closing in on them. She reached behind herself, whipped her hooves forward, and suddenly Rarity found a costume of scratchy fabric being forced over her head. Rarity could only splutter as Pinkie stretched the outfit around Rarity's hooves, stepped back to inspect her work critically for a second, then nodded to herself. Rarity watched through small eye holes in the whole-body disguise while Pinkie put another of the costumes on Fluttershy and effortlessly shimmied into a third one herself.

"Two steps higher, Mayor!" Pinkie hissed in a loud whisper. "That's it! Now everypony stay completely still and quiet until the roc is gone!" The other ponies were too shocked and bemused to do anything else.

Within moments, the great bird flew around the corner. It came to a stop and hovered in the air, a mighty downdraft coming from its wingbeats as it stared into the quarry. Rarity held her breath. The roc turned its head back and forth, scanning for the ponies it was hunting for several seconds. But eventually it gave a frustrated squawk and flew off.

After a minute of tense silence, a stage whisper came from the grey pony-shaped lump of rock where Pinkie had been. "I think the coast is clear!"

Rarity stared incredulously as Fluttershy awkwardly climbed out of her grey bodysuit. She shook herself and quickly removed her own identical costume.

"Er... can anypony tell me what just happened?" Mayor Mare called to them. "And can I climb down now?"

---

"I'm so sorry that you had to go through that, madam mayor," said Twilight Sparkle sympathetically.

The mayor sighed, and paced around the school staff room. "I'm just sorry for the citizens of Ponyville. For the time being I've had to ban everypony from the whole area south-west of the Appleloosa road."

Rainbow Dash snickered. "Banned because of a roc? So you could say we've been..."

"Anyway," Rarity interrupted. "I'm still baffled by how Pinkie saved us."

"You silly billy! I just camouflaged us all against the rock face!" Pinkie smiled. "I came up with the plan after Fluttershy said that rocs have such keen eyesight. Maud was the right colour already, and the Mayor was too, thanks to her silly hair dye achievement. Obviously I had a few rock-colour costumes on hoof for the rest of us."

"Yes... about that. I'm very grateful, darling, don't get me wrong," Rarity assured her. "I'm just curious why you had those costumes with you. Granite-coloured bodysuits are not exactly in style right now."

Twilight gave Rarity a sharp look. "I thought we'd agreed to never question Pinkie Pie?"

"Oh, Twilight," Pinkie said fondly. "This isn't anything mysterious. I've known since I was a filly that my friends will sometimes need me to put them in grey suits with minimal warning."

Twilight Sparkle looked around helplessly. None of her friends had any explanation to offer, so she said weakly, "You.. knew tha... what?"

"It's like what Granny Pie always said!" Pinkie Pie cheerfully pointed at Maud, then at the Mayor, and then at the hapless Rarity. "Some mares are born greyed. Some achieve greyedness. And some... have greyedness thrust upon them."

Comments

[FanOfMostEverything]

Rocs actually have a poor sense of smell, but excellent eyesight, especially for colours.

Never mind the whole "molting pheromones" thing. Though I suppose that says just how potent that particular smell is.

In any case, a very fun adventure, all the more so for avoiding the low-hanging, homophonic fruit. Thank you for this, and best of luck in the judging.

[GamePlayer64]

I thought the Roc was laying an egg. What a disappointment

[atani4312]

Oh God...that ending pun...

[PresentPerfect]

You monster.

[Soge]

This pun probably counts as a crime in some jurisdictions.

[Claw in Cursive]

9738576
Oh, it wasn't the roc that laid an egg.

J/k. Good feghoot.

[Nyerguds]

Greyed story

[Powderjaggy]

Not only did you avoid the low-hanging fruit for the punchline, but this was a solid slice of life all around. Everypony was characterized well and got some focus, which probably helped it come across as a self-contained story in its own right, not just the setup for a joke.

[AlexTFish]

10350243
Thank you! Nice to see people are still encountering this silly joke story and enjoying it

[Eddy13]

That wasn't the ending pun I was expecting. I was figuring that somehow Rarity and the others caused the bird to fall out of the sky, and afterwards, Pinkie would say the area was safe but ponies traveling through it would have to "Watch for falling rocs".