Coarse Feathers and Gentle Scales

by Spettro138

Rude Awakenings

Author's Note:

This fic is just one of those things where I'm just saying, "Screw it. I'm bored, exhausted, and I don't have the attention span for any other kinds of stories, so I'm just gonna write whatever demented thing comes into my head." XD

I hope it is entertaining though.

How would one describe a hangover? Rusted, worn down, irregular gears creaking at each turn, breaking a tooth every now and then. The brain whining like a dying motor under a heavy load, lowering the stress, then suddenly increasing from slight to dramatic. The pumping of hot, thick, pasty goo flowing in the veins in place of the blood in his brain. Neural sparks in line, in a painful domino effect, systematically taken down like some kind of cellular genocide. The young drake was feeling all of these things and more today waking up in odd places with little to no explanation.

Spike began to stir once again as he tried to get a grasp on what was around him. The sight of the royal entrance hall in disarray disturbed him deeply. Seeing it once when he entered the room was hard enough, but confirming that it was actually real just added more to his distress. He took great pride in the cleanliness of Twilight's homes, whether it was the Library, their old Canterlot home, or even the newest castle. Dozens of unpleasant smells bombarded his senses, coming from all over the hall. Two drunk stallions by the entry doors, Thunderlane and Dumb Bell, were bleeding from their noses and sleeping in puddles of their own vomit, forcing Spike to swallow back down bile before he became sick to his stomach again. Gilda had a bit of an uncomfortable look on her face and looked like she wanted to get out of there as soon as she possibly could. She did like the small drake in a friendly way now, but she didn't feel like being responsible for anything at the moment. Especially not with a brutal, head pounding hangover, like the one she was going through right now.

"Well, as fun as all of this was kid, I need to skedaddle on home before your Sis comes in and thinks I mauled your privates. I'm not very much good at helping ponies clean things anyway," she snickered. "Maybe her punishment will come in eight months when I start laying green and purple eggs."

Spike's face turned as red as a tomato as Gilda started laughing raucously at her own joke and made her way out the front door.

Spike shook his head, wiping the words from his mind. However, no matter how much he tried to brush it off, the memory of the previous night was burned in his brain.

He instantly slapped himself, attempting to whack the memory out... on the side of his bruised head. In place of the ‘softness’ came feelings of instantaneous regret Although the hit wasn’t too hard, the buzzing in his head made it proportional the magnitude of two hammers lightly bashing his head. Painful wasn't really the word to use in his opinion, it was leaning more to a large bloating in the side of his head.

"Don't even joke about stuff like that!" Spike snapped completely embarrassed. "Do you know what that mare could do to me if she heard that?"

It was too late though as she had already left through the front door.

Spike was left alone with the catastrophe before him, groaning at the thought that he might have to clean up everything by himself. As if to answer his question, Pinkie rolled in her sleep and fell off of the giant ribbon. Spike gasped in fear and frantically looked around for something to cushion her fall. While she was falling, Pinkie seemed to remain fast asleep in a position like she was in a bed. Spike grabbed one of the castle's ornate tapestries as he stretched it out towards Pinkie. The tactic worked as she slid down the tapestry and across the tiles until she stopped at the wall. The force of her stop sent her bottom half over her head until her back hoof tapped the back of her head. The drake sighed in relief that Pinkie was safe for the moment, though confused as to how she was still asleep.

The universe decided to throw Spike another hay maker as Rainbow Dash sleepily rolled off of the chandelier and began to plummet down towards the solid crystal coffee table thirty five feet below. He tried pulling the tapestry towards Rainbow, but it got caught on a piece of furniture, forcing the drake to take more drastic measures. He hopped up on to the coffee table just in time for Rainbow Dash to smash flank first into his head and skip off like a rock. She slid across the floor and spun like a top, not stirring for a moment until she was halted by the folded over Pinkie Pie. Her face landed right next to Pinkie's hind quarters which was a disaster waiting to happen.

The pink mare's stomach was not about to tolerate all of the sudden movement as it began to grumble and growl loudly.

Everything around Spike seemed to slow down to a crawl when Pinkie Pie let loose with enough gas to choke an elephant. The sound was loud, long and echoed through the entire castle like church bells.

Wincing and holding his nose, he braced himself for everypony's reaction as he clenched his eyes shut for ten solid seconds.

He waited and waited for everyone to wake up coughing and yelling, but strangely enough, most everyone remained out cold. Just with an added face of severe distress from having to smell Pinkie's noxious gas.

As if reacting to the smell, Rainbow instinctively rolled away from the pink mare in her sleep and began to gag like crazy.

Diving into "ground zero" Spike held his breath and dragged Rainbow away from the offending smell until she was in an adjacent hallway. It seemed to work as Rainbow's face turned only into mild discomfort. He grabbed a nearby flowerpot and placed it on her, hoping it would provide some measure of comfort until she woke up.

After that series of catastrophes had ended, he turned his attention back to the rest of the entrance hallway and the ponies there, not liking the idea of having more and more problems to deal with as the morning went on.

"Oh boy," Spike lamented as he looked for any pony who might be able to help him.

Applejack then began to stir as her darkened eyelids slowly began to open. The chair she had been sleeping in felt a lot harder than it actually was and her body felt heavy and sluggish. Her surprise at the sight all around her was overshadowed by the lack of memory as to how the entrance hallway ended up in such a state.

"Ughhh," the blonde earth pony groaned. "What done darn danglet happened?"

"Oh, good morning Applejack," Spike said as quietly as he could muster.

"Spike? What in Celestia's gosh darn name happened here?"

"You don't remember? Wow, you must have had more than usual."

"More what? Owww." Applejack asked as she started rubbing her temples in pain. "I remember coming to the castle for the Welcome to Ponyville party Pinkie set up for Gilda but that's about it."

"I think someone brought a bunch of alcohol and everyone lived to regret it, including me," Spike replied nervously.

The farmer straightened her hat so as to make sure that she was hearing a bit more properly.

"You drank last night?" Applejack asked with disappointment. "Spike, I may not be Twilight, but I would never allow a boy as young as you to be drinking, let alone my own sister, Celestia forbid."

By the way she was talking, Spike did not like where this particular conversation was going.

"Can we just keep this a secret from Twilight please? She'll kill me if she finds out I got drunk and woke up in bed with Gilda."

Spike didn't realize what he was saying until it was too late as he clasped his hands over his mouth. He just watched as Applejack's face reddened. Sounds came out of her mouth that were little more than creaking squeaks and groans.

"Didn't you have that little crush on Rarity still?" she asked confused. "H-How and where did you have the time to....you know what? As long as you promise to help Twilight and I clean all of this up, I won't tell her about....that. As long as she doesn't ask me about it. I'm gonna have to tell her about you drinking though. If I don't allow my own little sister to get away with drinking alcohol, I sure as heck not gonna let one of my best friends get away with that."

"I...think I can live with that." Spike replied morosely.

Spike then shambled over to the side of the room and grabbed a nearby broom leaning up against the wall and started sweeping up various pieces of trash. Soon, a few more ponies began to wake up not remembering what happened the previous night as they left the castle to return to their homes to recover from their hangovers. Spike was unable to locate Twilight in the entry hall which led him to believe that she may have been in either her bedroom or the throne room.

Making his way in that particular direction, he repeatedly assured himself that Twilight was too level headed and responsible to allow herself to get into any such scandalous situation. He tried to remember what happened to her the previous night but unfortunately, everything else kept coming back to a complete blank. The only thing he was able to vaguely recollect was what happened between himself and...Gilda.

Pushing the thought out of his mind until a more opportune time, he focused on finding Twilight's room.

Soon enough after going back down seven long hallways still filled with messy reminders of the party the night before, he found the main royal bedroom door. Typically, if it were any other door in the castle, it would be next to impossible for anyone except Twilight herself to properly tell the difference between each door. However, the royal master bedroom door was one of the largest and most ornate in the house. Its gilded solid silver knob shined brightly in the morning sun as Spike proceeded to approach it, fearing whatever he was going to discover on the other side.

The young teen proceeded to turn the doorknob, hearing the lock and mechanism click and when it was fully turned, he tried to open it as slowly as possible. However, opening it fast or slow wouldn't have helped him avoid the sea of books that flooded out of Twilight's bedroom. Spike was lifted right off of his tiny feet all the way down one of the hallways faster than a locomotive. The opposite wall rapidly approached as Spike screamed and braced himself for the seemingly inevitable impact against the reinforced magical crystal of the castle.

Quite thankfully, his acceleration began to slow down bit by bit until his face was within mere inches of the wall.

Opening one of his eyes, he saw that he was no longer in any danger as he let out a long sigh of relief.

However, his confusion only doubled when a second smaller wave from the bedroom carried a fully drunk Twilight with a book called Apples and Bananas by Time Turner clutched between her pearly white teeth. She was wearing on her head what appeared to be a shark fin swimming toy and had a pineapple had been duck taped to the fur on her chest. Her mane was frizzy and knotted sticking up every which way and her tail was even worse for wear as it looked as poofy as Pinkie Pie's mane. The mare was still sound asleep, snoring away loudly without a care in the world.

The time for using that word that he had heard Rainbow and Gilda use on a daily basis was now, though he didn't expect any consequences would ever come of it. It was the only word he could use to express his feelings in the current situation that he was in.

"Oh fuck me."

Comments

[Anon E Moose]

Wow, that must have been some crazy party. Gonna need a whole lot of water and bread for everyone.

[Sigmacipher]

So twilight was part of the party as well? She certainly come a long way.

[Fancy Fox]

COUGHGildaalreadydidCOUGH

[Viatorem]

I really hope this fic continues, this is probably one of my favourite “obscure” ships, so it will be nice to see it finally get a complete/decent fic