WARNING: The following chapter contains a possibly offensive scene regarding suicide-by-hanging. Please keep in mind that it is meant as part of the narrative, and nothing else. The author means no offense by its inclusion in the story.
My legs flail around beneath me as I struggle, the movements sending my form swaying around in a wild circle.
The wire digs into my throat, bruising it as I struggle for oxygen. Try as I might, I am unable to drag even a wisp of air through my constricted throat.
My mouth opens to scream, although the only sound that manages to escape my lungs is a weak gurgling – The sound of a dying man.
My legs continue to lash out in all directions, searching vainly for a standing-surface that I know isn’t there, while my hands tug vainly at the piano wire wrapped around my neck. There’s no grip to be found.
My vision is starting to dim as the lack of oxygen begins to take effect, and my brain enters the first stages of shutting down.
I never should have done this.
What I’ve become is little better than an animal. I’ve become a depraved human being, driven to the edge by the apathy of those around me. My life has been stripped of any meaning. To say that I all I have left is the piano is a lie, because the piano is not mine. The piano is Trixie’s. It belongs to her – Just like me.
I am a man ending his existence by the only means available to him. I am twenty years of life born through a marvel of science and biology, being snuffed out by a length of ultra-thin steel.
I am both a coward, and the embodiment of bravery. I am a man that cannot face his situation – A man that cannot bring himself to live any longer in the hell his existence has become, and has chosen to engage in the ultimate act of cowardice.
And yet at the same time, I am a man who managed so summon up the bravery and courage to do the unthinkable. To strip myself of that which can never be returned. To say that what I’ve done is cowardly is incorrect. You cannot imagine just how much courage and conviction it takes to act on such thoughts.
What I’ve done… is something I never thought I would have the courage or the need to do.
My legs have stopped flailing by now. I no longer have the energy or the conviction to continue my struggle. I’ve done this, and no matter how much I struggle against it, it has begun, and I cannot stop it.
At least it doesn’t hurt anymore. The final moments are actually rather blissful, containing nothing but the sleepy acknowledgement that everything’s about to end. It’s the one moment in my life where I don’t have anything to worry about. I can just enjoy my last few seconds as myself, with nothing to stop me being just that.
Maybe this is what Sara meant. The end itself truly doesn’t hurt as much as I thought it would. The end is quite nice. It’s warm, and soft. I suppose for many – myself included – it’s those two aspects that draws us in, and makes us stop struggling. A little bit of comfort right before it all goes black.
I miss her. Why did she do it? We all thought she was happy. She certainly seemed happy – A very cheery individual. Like all of use she had her ups and her downs, but what could have driven her to it?
Any second now, Trixie’s going to ruin everything. She’ll cut me down, and I will fall. I’ll slam my crooked nose into the floor, and I will fall unconscious. Trixie will ‘save’ me from my final freedom – from my final happiness.
It barely registers in my drowsy mind when there’s no bang, no shout and no rescue.
I’m beyond caring. What I’ve done is the stupidest thing a human could ever do, but I’m well past the point where stupidity is relevant.
In fact, right before everything slips away, I only have one thought.
‘I miss Sara.’
***
The floor rushes up to meet me as I roll out of bed, its hard surface meeting the side of my face with as much yield as a brick wall.
I take a ragged gasp as I drag air into my lungs, ignoring the pain my meeting with the floor has caused.
My hands find their way to my throat, grasping at it to check for a length of piano wire that was never there, while I let out a pained groan.
I cough, rolling away from my bed and tearing my hands from my throat. I wasn’t crying in my sleep, but I am now.
“Fuck!” I exclaim in shock, reaching out aggressively and grasping my bedside table.
I haven’t had that one before. Before now, my mind hadn’t forced me to live through that pain again.
It’s far worse than the other dream. In the other, my hair is burning. That’s nothing compared to being forced to experience the entire process of hanging all the way to the end.
Slowly, I push myself up off the floor, using the table for support. I can’t see a thing, as the room is pitch-black.
I take another deep gasp of air, savouring the feeling of it rushing through my windpipe. At the same time, I manage to let out a little choked sob. I’m carrying so much mental baggage right now, and it’s probably going to be tethered to me for quite a while.
I snatch my cane aggressively from where I know it to be resting and turn around.
There are only two almost imperceptible sources of light in my room, neither of them managing to provide any illumination. One is the faintly luminescent display of the clock on the wall – which claims that it is eleven forty-seven. Judging by the darkness, I’d say that it's night.
The other source of light is a very faint amount slipping in under my door. The halls are never fully dark here, as they have low-power ‘walk-lights’ at night.
I wipe at my nose, which produces a wet trail of snot on the back of my hand.
I curse in disgust – and promptly wipe it on my pants. I have standards, and would never even consider doing it in any other situation, but right now I could care less.
Letting out another sobbing-hiccup, I hobble over to my door, before feeling around for the knob and opening it.
I need a walk.
The hall outside is indeed darkened, with the only illumination coming from the small strips in the floor, and some ultra-low lighting above. Overall, I can see as well as I would see on a clear night with a half-crescent moon. Okay, but not great.
So, I was right in thinking that I wouldn’t be able to sleep all the way until morning. That would be at least a full seventeen hours.
That said, I have managed to sleep for a grand total of eleven and a half hours. I don’t think I’ve ever managed to sleep that much at once.
I shuffle down the hall, headed towards the stairwell – which is always well-lit. They are stairs, after all.
If I had wanted light, I could have just stayed in my room and turned on the lamp – but right now I feel amazingly restless – and more than a little disturbed. I have just experienced an unbelievably vivid dream, reminding me that I nearly succeeded in killing myself.
I nearly ended my own life – and Trixie was on the verge of doing it herself after the Gala. To say I finally got a lucky break is an understatement. In the one short period of calm between me trying to off-myself, and Trixie euthanizing for being a worn-out asset, I managed to somehow free myself.
There were so many other ways this could have turned out. Anyone could have died as a result of that day, be it me, Trixie, Twilight, Rarirty or Cadance. Instead, we managed to reach the best possible conclusion. Admittedly, I would be much happier if I had managed to kill Trixie… but then I would probably be charged with ponyslaughter.
I can see light around the next corner, which pleases me. A walk to clear my head, and the comfort of light. Nothing provides a human with more confidence than the presence of light – well, except for booze, I suppose.
Hurrying my hobbled pace, I quickly shuffle around the corner, treating myself to a view of the properly lit stairwell. It doesn’t stop me from releasing another hiccup-sob, but those are getting less aggressive, and I’m managing to keep them rather quiet.
I rub at my eyes as I enter the brightly lit space. I don’t do it so much because of how bright it is, but more to wipe the moisture from my eyes.
To think that one mare caused all of this. Three weeks of torture and pain, and what will most likely be months – if not years – of psychological torment. That one bitch managed to fuck up my life more thoroughly than a precision nuke-strike, because the nuke strike would have just killed me.
I’m so frail. I certainly don’t look like who I once was. My face may have the same characteristics, and my general personality may be unchanged, but my body looks like it belongs to someone else – someone from the most impoverished region of Africa.
It’s so thin, and feeble. To think that I lost close to fifty pounds in two weeks. I still don’t know what that means in metric terms, but it certainly sounds like a lot.
With a little groan, I turn around and sit down on the bottom step of the flight leading up to the next floor. Not counting the ground floor, there are three stories to this building. I happen to be on level two. I’ve never been up to level three, nor have I properly explored the level one or the ground floor, but I gather that they are all much the same.
I peer out into the darkness of the hallway. With my eyes now adjusted to the high light-level of the stairwell, the rest of the building might as well be pitch-black.
It’s funny that throughout my entire ordeal, I always had light. There was always that strange candle above my cage that cast its odd light that never flickered, despite the fact that it was coming form a candle.
I never had to put up with the uncertainty and fear associated with darkness – in fact, at one point I was the one creating and capitalising on it. That was probably the most satisfying moment I experienced during my entire captivity.
I probably shouldn’t be thinking about my captivity. It’s making me feel a little claustrophobic, which in turn makes me want to go outside.
I could go back to my room and go out on the balcony. That’d be quite nice… or, I could just head upstairs. I’ve definitely never been up to the roof before, and I am already at the stairwell.
A short trip up to the roof it is then. It’ll be a nice harmless adventure to tire me out so that I can go back to sleep. Maybe the door will be locked – in which case, I’ll simply be getting a bit of exercise, which is fine by me.
With the help of my trusty cane – and a considerable amount of groaning – I climb back to my feet, and turn around once more.
Climbing the stairs is neither particularly easy nor overly physically demanding, but it takes a while. I just need to make sure I place my cane in the right position so that I can use it as leverage to climb each step.
It’s for that reason that it takes me a good ten minutes to climb up past level three to the door onto the roof, and I am left red-faced and panting by the – frankly – moderate exertions. I suppose it’s just more testimony to the fact that I have a long way to go before I’m back to any notably good condition.
It is to my surprise that the large red door leading out into the night air is not locked, and in fact opens very easily. It isn’t even heavy, as security doors really should be.
Then again, it wouldn’t matter if the security door was heavy or not. Pegasai can get onto the roof anyway, a unicorn can open the door no matter what its weight is, and you’d be hard pressed to find an earth pony that couldn’t buck a door open.
That’s a good question to ask Twilight: How does Equestria handle security? How do they stop unicorns from randomly invading homes with their magic? There’s so much for me to learn. And entire new culture to study – and one that is very similar to my own.
I hobble out onto the roof, giving out a little sigh as the cool night air brushes my skin. My efforts have already paid off, as I already have a beautiful view of the night sky.
The roof of the Canterlot Private Clinic is lined with a rail, of course, along with more of those little walk-lights, just in case somepony – or me – happens to come up here at night. It’s a nice touch, and is rather aesthetically pleasing.
I make my way over to the railing on the edge of the building that faces the city. The view is pretty-much the same as the one from my room – albeit less constrained on the sides and at a higher angle – but no less enjoyable.
I sigh as I lean against the railing. Today – although I think it’s after midnight now, so I should say ‘yesterday’ – has been a very interesting experience. For the moment, I have money, medical care, and freedom. That’s all I can really ask for.
The lights of Canterlot are twinkling, as they do. It seems that ponies like to enjoy using old-fashioned candles for reading. It’s one of their social quirks. They have electricity, and light bulbs, but ponies seem to be naturally inclined to pull out candles when asked to provide a light.
There are just so many things to learn. I feel like how Twilight must feel. There’s so much knowledge here, just waiting to be tapped. I can’t wait to learn as much as I can about the land of Equestria and its people.
I’ll have so much to ask. Do they have religion? Are wing-boners real? Is Applejack made of dark matter?
Canterlot truly is beautiful at night. Aside from the day when I awoke, this is my first night in which I’ve stayed up late enough to see the lights of the city.
I close my eyes and hum contentedly, savouring the feeling of the wind blowing through my hair.
‘My Little Pony… My Little Pony…’ The lyrics drift through my head as I imagine the opening notes of Dreaming With Ponies. It would compliment this entire scenario so well.
“You shouldn’t be here.”
I turn my head slightly at the voice, and let out a harsh laugh.
“I shouldn’t be here? Define here.” I chuckle sarcastically as Twilight comes to stand next to me. “I don’t think me being on the roof is overly important, when I’ve crossed between worlds to get to it.”
She doesn’t reply, as I continue to watch the twinkling lights of the city.
Deciding that I would rather continue talking than let the conversation lapse into silence, I open my mouth once more, speaking the first thing that comes to mind.
“It really is a beautiful city, Twilight.”
“It is.” She responds plainly. I can’t read the tone in her voice. I won’t call it annoyed, or empathetic. It seems completely neutral. That must be her complying with my request – although It would be nice if she replaced the sympathy with a little friendliness. Isn’t that what the show is all about?
“Tell you what.” I say, turning away from the view to look at the purple mare. “Promise me that you’ll go out and have a day off today – and follow through on that promise – and then we can sit down and talk about humans.”
“Wait, really?” The neutrality disappears from Twilight’s voice instantly. “Really?”
“Sure. I haven’t exactly been fair.” I smile, turning my attention back to Canterlot. “Might as well start making up for it.”
In a surprising turn, Twilight has nothing to add. She's sitting very still, but I can practically feel the excitement building inside her.
With a little sigh, I cast my eyes up to the stars.
“The moon is bigger here.”
“Huh?” Twilight shakes her head, caught off-guard by the random comment.
“The moon. It looks to be… an extra half as big as the one we see from earth.”
“Right.”
Twilight allows me a few minutes of silence for my stargazing. I don’t know the constellations, nor any individual stars, but I always like to just look. I have a whole explanation why, but at the moment I don’t really feel like going off on a long winded tangent about my insignificance in the universe. In my current state of mind, it’d probably just make me develop an inferiority complex.
Finally, I look at her again.
“Twilight, you’ve got a long day of doing nothing ahead of you. Maybe you should get some rest. I sincerely doubt I’ll be able to get to sleep any time soon.
The lavender mare looks at me thoughtfully. She’s still practically quivering with excitement, and I can feel my daw-meter twitching.
Finally she nods.
“Don’t stay out here too long.”
“I won’t.” I respond in kind turns away from the railing. “And thanks.”
“For what?”
I consider what to say. Should I thank her for agreeing to take today off, or for trusting me to stay out here on the roof a little longer? Maybe I should thank her for everything she’s done in general.
Finally, I just smile and say; “A lot of things.”
“Uhh… you’re welcome?” Twilight returns the thanks awkwardly. My sudden promise has really caught her off-guard.
“Goodnight, Twilight.” I turn back to look at Canterlot once more.
“Goodnight Keys.” Twilight responds in kind, before trotting away.
Author's Note:
IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER: I apologize for the overly detailed representation of suicide by hanging in this chapter. It is by no means accurate, and I assure you that hanging yourself is actually quite painful, so don't do it.
***
Now I know what you're thinking: "What's this, Cloud? What the hell is this? You actually put in some development? WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?!"
To which I say: "Live with it."
Okay, so honestly I'm happy that I actually put in some development. I feel like there was something else I wanted to add here, but I can't remember.
Oh, and please don't hate me for how terrible the title is.
Very good chapter - nice development!
1148776 Oh, and I forgot to mention: if you don't edit all of the spam out of... that... then I will delete it. I'd be willing to accept a spam comment if it didn't involve THAT MUCH.
Development is always good, its like the condiments on a really good hamburger. I like how Keys is realizing that he has a lot to experience in Equestria. Plus, the song "Midnight in a Perfect World" by DJ Shadow really goes great with this chapter. Cant wait to see what the new day brings.
Da fuq?
I wonder what their reaction would be if he was singing the song and not humming it.
The introduction caught me off guard a bit. Then again, you made this chapter settle down with a little "thinking about the future" segment. I really love this story, because it stays real to the character. The personification and just the overall emotions flowing out of this story, just give me chills. This story inspires me, in some strange way. Being a musician myself, I can't help but agree that music conveys many things. Whether it's to escape from some crazy Trixie, or to help forget the trauma caused by her. Keep up the good work.
I noticed a very interesting error in it, where you stated that Keys could not see anything because it was bitch-black.
Other than that...
Excellent chapter.
Good luck on.
1151243 The Physics of My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic
1151254 That's why I chose to just have Keys hum it. I don't want to get around to that sort of stuff yet.
1151263 Thanks very much!
1151265 Hah! Oh, that's a good one.
I'll just go fix that.
Good chapter
1151265 Isn't that the color of Tex's armor?
1151325
Oh god, the spam. Why?
1151211
I know what you mean, my first fic got spam on the second comment that went on for like half the allotted space of the web page, deleted it fast but it's still annoying as all hell. On a side note, love the story. By far one of the most interesting HiE fics I have read. Keep up the good work, and I will continue to read it.
1151325 1151344
...What?
When he's able to I suspect he'll be stuck on Applejack's farm as part of his physical therapy; nothing like hard work and country cooking to build up mass.
1151357 It's a Red vs Blue reference.
1151371
Ah.
I see.
Nothing makes you think like being confronted by your psyche. And, unlike anyone or anypony else, you can't run away from it.
Good chapter. I assume we'll either learn about - or be reminded of (mentioned before?) - Sara.
1151384
1151143
*gurgle*
*choke*
*reads hanging yourself is painful*
*gasp*
...
Wait, I'm a zombie... I can't breath anyway :|.
*walks off*
1151371
Funny thing is, I went to RTX and met the whole RvB crew and Achievement Hunter crew, not to mention played Halo 4 (which was terrific).
1151404 Indeed we will. Ever since I mentioned her back in the original The Piano Man, I wanted to do more with her 'memory'.
1151412 Will do! (Just not next chapter)
1151424 I met some of the cast at Armageddon 2011, but not all of them.
1151410
Thank you very much, I learned that from Cloud earlier.
Hurry up and have Keys see Trixie again so he can bitch slap her!
1151443
Should have seen Joel at RTX. Someone brought a life-size cardboard cutout of him and walked by Joel, and Joel stood next to it and stared at it for a few minutes. It was pretty entertaining (and I know I have the picture on my iPhone, so I should upload it when I get the time)
Has he lost the desire to play the piano?
You know, if this was a romance story, I'd say keys is going to be with Twilight. But this story is really good for I am most interested in seeing how he reacts to seeing Trixie. Will he try to finish what he started? Will he be bigger person and forgive her? Who knows...
This dude is fairly nice, i woulda just slit trixies neck while she was asleep and be done with it. But you know, not everyone is willing to murder to escape slavery, i can respect that.
I'm interested to how the Celestia, Luna and the Mane 6 handle the show's existance should Keys ever speak of it.
I also like the moral dilemma Key's knowledge of the show puts him thru. I can see Celestia being forgiving. But Luna? I see her taking the show existance rather hard because of the Nightmare Moon thing and her feelings on it.
But the Mane 6's reaction? That's a guess.
I love how you came up with the most idiotic question to ask a pony!
1151410 I listen to this as I read.
This is going to be the biggest comment I've wrote. I'm not a critic but I just read both of the stories, with some breaks, and it was awesome. Anyway:
BOOK ONE.
Wow. Just wow. Lot of thought emotion, driven emtions. He thinking hes the horrible person. Trixie was the most evil I have seen ever. It must been hard for you to write a story so much going on. It didn't go fast and it didn't go slow. It went with the flow, so to speak. I noticed a couple spelling errors but they were small and useless. The story gave me thought to my hair as well. I like it more. I'm suprised he didn't use string from the piano or the note keys to slug her, but could Trixie be that strong? She didn't have much control, over him when he was in the cage so that made me think a little. I've heard piano string can cut through bone, but Trixie does have magic. The ending was god was amazed me.
BOOK TWO.
This made all my thoughts go away but added much more. I mean what did Trixie do that she do that she didn't even put in her diary? I'm guessing rape or something. "Keys" doesn't have as much questions but I'm putting that aside for MASSIVE tramua. Now, up to this chapter, his suicide dream was very conflicting. Hopefully he can see Trixie and beat the crap outta her!
Now make me proud! Godspeed and goodluck!
this is a response for the first part of the story The Sentient Cloud.
You sir, have earned yourself a milk shake.
chabrieres.pagesperso-orange.fr/clockwork_orange/moloko.jpg
1152000 I haven't completely decided where the story's going, so anything can happen. (I add story tags as they become relevant)
1152166 The only way for me to really decided on how the Mane 6 would react would be to write the scene, and see how it goes.
So we probably won't find out for quite a while.
1152667 Thanks very much for the feedback!
1152703 Dat... Dat...
Dat face. It gives me nightmares.
So just found these stories today, and as usual I'm gonna bring up some random little detail instead of going around complimenting the story. (I'm totally talking to myself here.)
*Cough* So one of the things that really bugs me about HiE stories is that very often the writers forget the supremely important/interesting fact that Humans are the only sentient/sapient/talking/whatever-the-real-definition-of-intelligence-is species in/on our world/planet, and have no concrete proof that other smarty-pants species exist. If nothing else, it never fails to be entertaining when it is a conversation point.
MOOOOOAAAAAARRRRRRR!!!!
I accidentally hung myself by the foot once. I was making a swing. I was flailing around, up-side-down, for a good ten minutes before my brother came to my rescue.
AJ being made of dark matter?
I would be more interested in Pinkie's physics dampening field.
Awesome as always.
I am only leaving this comment to offer encouragement. Although there are many others who have also done so, this story deserves it.
Keys is gonna describe humanity huh?
Well let's make sure he get's the highlights
Huh, Key's can go through a government building and up to the roof without meeting another soul, specifically security?
We'll solve that human style! Requirements: Bomb thre- actually why isn't there more security? Isn't this the same place that was invaded by evil beings three seperate times all within presumably one year?
Oh, there's also a typo... I think...: "The moon. It looks to be... and extra half as big as the one we see from Earth."
I've given it some thought on the different ways it could've gone... and I honestly don't know how you may have been trying to put it. Mainly the bold part. It greatly confuses me.
You can apply this confusion to this other typo (Again... I think...) I found earlier. It's where he's describing himself before he goes up the stairs.
"I still don't know what the means in metric terms, but it sounds like alot."
I could do better. *Insert Applelie picture here*
1154660 The Canterlot Private Clinic isn't a government building. It's a private hospital for the Canterlot elite. (Or in this case, a certain human being funded by the princesses )
As for the errors: I have fixed both of them. They should have been (and are now corrected to):
"The moon. It looks to be... an extra half as big as the one we see from Earth."
"I still don't know what that means in metric terms, but it sounds like a lot."
SO, good! to bad i'm not gonna have internet with me to read your next update.Gonna be in Mexico for 2 days celebrating my cousins wedding. I've noticed your chapters to be shorter and shorter, but this one came out at 3 thousand words and made me happy. Need sleep to travel to mexico today but to pumped up from stories. what will happen next!!!
So much to learn....
Are wingboners real?
Crucial info right there, folks.
Keep up the good work, this is awesome.
For a spit second, I thought that he was going to jump off the roof.
Something you didn't mention in the detailed hanging nightmare was how much it hurts. It is agonising, and you never forget it.
No, not a 'you'. More a 'we'. The people left behind. The poor wretch who finds a carcass hanging on a rope, cooling meat and bone who used to be their friend, who laughed and cried with them. The family and friends who wondered how they were so awful that the suicide never considered talking to them, the people who wonder ever day what might have been.
1159460 I take it that someone you knew, or were close to committed suicide by hanging, and I apologize for my insensitivity. There's not much more I can say about that, and I apologize.
As for the inaccuracies... Well, I direct you to the Author's Note. 1151143
1159460 If I may add, I'm not just being some dick distastefully referencing a touchy subject. My cousin succumbed to his depression and hung himself last year. I can't say I knew him that well, but it is worth mentioning.
Still. My apologies.
A very nice and calm chapter, really makes me wish i could have seen the view of Canterlot at night.