The Scene of the Crime
I lean back and give a little sigh of satisfaction as the song draws to a close.
With most of my anger vented, I feel surprisingly better. A lot better.
Not waiting for the final notes to fade, I release the pedal and close the lid over the keys once more. It feels good to be able to play a piano once more.
Looking up from the instrument, I see that I have managed to draw in a small crowd of investigators with my music, including the others from up in the box.
I ease myself off of the seat, and slowly make my way over to them as the audience starts to disperse and return to their duties.
“That felt good.” I note to the five of them. “Really good. I feel much better.”
“That was a beautiful piece.” Twilight comments, which draws nods of agreement from the others.
“Rachmaninov’s Prelude.” I pause to see if any of the ponies recognise the name, which none of them do. “So are you done already, or did you just come down to watch?”
“Miss Sparkle and Master Spike’s part is done.” Lockhooves explains, still as professional as ever. “Now it’s up to us to correlate your statement with the evidence and begin building the argument for the court case.”
“So that’s it.” I nod. “Good.”
The group falls into silence for a moment, each of us waiting awkwardly for someone else to say something.
Eventually Lockhooves breaks the silence with a curt “I should get back to work”, before trotting away to her desk.
“I should go get some breakfast before my shift.” Thunder grins apologetically. “I wasn’t expecting to come here. Didn’t have time to eat, and all.”
“Uh huh. Thanks for listening.” I reply rather awkwardly as Thunder turns and trots away, leaving Maneworthy, Twilight and I to stand here.
I bit my lip thoughtfully. “So… while we’re here…” I trail off, leaving the rest of the question up in the air.
“The wagon?” Twilight glances at the backstage area, which contains the passageway to the courtyard. “Are you sure about that?”
“Well I feel… a lot better.” I smile warmly, tapping my cane on the ground. “In fact, I’m starting to feel pretty good about today.”
“You sure?” Maneworthy peers at my eyes. “Are you tired? Hot? Dizzy?”
“No Doc, I’m fine.” I wave him away. “I’m just… happier now. I’ve got that whole thing off my chest… and the piano…”
“And one of the side effects of your medication is possible mood swings…” Maneworthy mutters as he continues my train of thought.
I ignore the remark. “Anyway, yeah. I suppose this is as good a time as any to go get it out of the way. Then we can go check out my rooms, and you…” I nod pointedly at Twilight. “…can go and enjoy your day off.”
“Yes, yes. The day off.” Twilight replies irritably, before shifting back to mild concern and asking me yet again; “But are you sure?”
“Yes, Twilight. I’m sure.” I give the mare a reassuring smile. “You two need to calm down a little. I’m not some little foal that’s going to hurt themselves if you look away for a few seconds.”
“Right.” Both ponies immediately blurt, followed by a “sorry” from Twilight.
“Don’t apologize.” I wave my hand again. “There’s a lot to get used to with all this. Can we just go?”
“Of course.” Maneworthy seems anxious to get moving. He's clearly not as fond of discussions regarding our situation as Twilight, which is to be expected. He’s a doctor, after all. Not a researcher... scientist... well, not whatever Twilight's actual title is now.
We stay where we are for a further three seconds, before I turn and start walking towards the rear curtains of the stage. I’m probably going to ruin my mood with this.
I wish that someone had told me earlier that my medicine could cause mood swings. I would have felt a lot better about my breakdowns if someone had told me that my emotions were suffering from my painkillers.
I wonder what other side effects the half-dozen pills I’ve been taking have. I can’t imagine anything particularly nasty, but it would be nice to be kept in the loop as to what’s happening in my body.
The backstage area has also been swamped by evidence cases. They’re everywhere, and there are even more desks set up back here. How much money has gone into this investigation?
“This all looks very expensive.” I comment to Twilight and Maneworthy as we pass through. “Look at all of those cases.”
“The princesses want to make sure that all the evidence has been gathered. This is a very important case, after all.”
“How important?” Now this is intriguing. Random ponies may stop me in the street, but I still don’t know exactly how public this all is.
“Very important.” Maneworthy clears his throat. “You should have seen the first day after the Gala. Some ponies organized a mob and came up to the castle demanding that Trixie be exiled.”
“Exiled…” I mutter the word. Take hornless, defenceless Trixie, and shove her out in Griffon or Changling territory... She’d be dead within the week – which means that she might be able to avoid that penalty. Would the princesses be willing to exile her when doing so would ensure her death?
I myself just want whatever would make her suffer most – life imprisonment and continuous Chinese Water Torture, to name one example.
“Yes.” Twilight continues Maneworthy’s story. “The only ponies fighting for her are her family. They’re rich industrialists from Manehattan.”
“I remember… she mentioned her father in her journal.” I think back to the most damning piece of evidence: A written log by Trixie, which retells the story of my captivity.
“She did.” The lavender mare confirms my thoughts. “Trixie and her parents had a falling-out a few years ago, but that hasn’t stopped them throwing their weight around to try and get her out.”
“Some Manehattan industrialists trying to intimidate the royal investigators.” Maneworthy scoffs. “What a bunch of foals.”
I nod. No amount of money can save Trixe from the grave that she’s dug for herself. Attacking a princess and two Elements of Harmony was the equivalent to building the coffin.
“Let them waste their time, and their money.” I say offhandedly. “It won’t make a difference."
"It won't." Twilight agrees.
We’re walking down the passage to scene where it all came to an end. I remember this hallway – although when I last came through it it was night time, and much darker.
There are two royal guards standing by the door to the courtyard, who both salute as the three of us pass. I suppose they need to make sure that nopony comes through here and tampers with evidence.
I nod at both stallions as we pass. “Good morning.”
“Morning sir.” They both reply, which makes me pause. I’m not going to correct them – it’s their job, after all – but I don’t like being called ‘sir’ by people I don't even know. It just isn't merited.
Pushing that little peeve from my mind, I grasp the doorknob and twist it, before pushing the door open and walking out into the well lit courtyard.
***
The schoolfoals are chasing each-other through the wreckage. I frequently hear the word ‘Cooties’ shouted from at least one of them. It’s typical foals-play. A truly wonderful sight. Seeing them playing is helping negate the dark emotions lurking in the recesses of my my mind once more.
I gaze at the dark red stains. It paints a vivid retelling of the scene in my mind.
“This one…” I point at the second biggest stain. “…That’s from when she first stabbed me. These…” I gesture at the trail of smaller drops. “…Are from when I was walking over to her… and this…”
I trail off. It doesn’t need saying. It’s the spot where I collapsed, and almost died.
I bite my lip. I feel slightly conflicted about this. It was my victory, but it doesn't make me happy.
“You’re very brave.” Twilight says softly. I’m pretty sure she doesn’t want me to slide back into depression.
I scoff at her words. I’m not a brave person – I mean, I did give up, after all. “Thanks Twilight, but it wasn’t bravery. It was a survival instinct. Humans will do almost anything to make sure we continue to live.”
I look over at Maneworthy, who is busily chatting with the parents chaperoning the fieldtrip. The moment he saw the foals he forgot all about me and switched into expecting-father mode. Another heart-warming sight which is stopping this from being a painful experience.
Turning back to Twilight, I continue my thought. “That said, I think I have more positive emotions attached here than negative. This is where I won.”
“It is.” Twilight nods.
“I came away from it with this…” I gesture at my stomach, which is still recuperating from being gored on Trixie’s horn. “…And I’m not in the best of states, but I stopped her. Thanks, by the way.”
“What for?” It’s pretty clear what I’m thanking her for, but Twilight decides to confirm it anyway.
“For coming to check on me. I know you didn’t expect… well, me… but thanks anyway.” I lay a hand on Twilight’s shoulder. “I don’t need to add what would have happened if you hadn’t come.”
“You’re welcome.” Twilight smiles sheepishly. I’m developing an annoying habit of spitting out the cheesiest mini-speeches, which makes for extremely awkward conversations.
With that out of the way, we both stroll away from the blood stains that mark my victory, heading over to the main part of the wreckage.
The wagon is so thoroughly trashed that it doesn’t even look like a wagon any more. It is literally just a series of wood clusters held together by nothing but their nails. There’s nothing familiar about what’s here, and I doubt I’d be able to recognise anything even if the investigators returned the third of the fragments they’d removed.
“An explosive end to the Gala, right?” I joke grimly, drawing a smile from Twilight, but no laughter.
“You know… I really thought that coming back here would invoke stronger memories… more emotions, and the like.” I glance at Twilight as we walk. “But all I can think about is the end to it all.”
The mare nods. She seems notably melancholy, especially when compared to my reasonably neutral state of mind. I can’t help but wonder what’s wrong.
“Twilight?” I stop to look at the unicorn in question. “Are you alright?”
“Hmm? Yes, of course.” Twilight nods. “I’m just thinking… about Trixie.”
“Can’t you just enjoy the success?” I raise an eyebrow. “Can’t you just take some time to relax?”
Twilight hums in acknowledgement as we continue our walk. “Well, we are at her wagon. What else can I think about?”
“How about the future. There’s a lot to be done.” I reach out and gently graze my fingers against one of the larger wood chunks. “Which is why you need to take a day-off every now and then. I’ll make it my business to make sure you don’t get too engrossed in your business.”
Twilight lets out a little sigh. “You don’t need to do that.”
“Au-contraire.” I draw my hand back from the wreckage and briefly checking for splinters. “I think I do, and I will. I’m not going to let you run yourself ragged for my sake.”
The lavender mare rolls her eyes. “I am not ‘running myself ragged’.”
I roll my eyes in turn, but am cut-off before I can deliver what would have undoubtedly been a weak rebuttal.
“Excuse me.” A young voice asks, before a pair of teeth tug at my trouser leg.
I look down to see one of the schoolfoals – a tan young unicorn-colt – releasing my pants’ leg from his mouth.
“Hello there.” I turn to face the colt.
“Hi!” The foal says in a manner that is both shy and jubilant. “Are you the Piano Man?”
“Indeed I am.” I smile softly and ease myself into a squat, bringing myself down closer to the young colt. “And who are you?”
“I’m Bucky!” The jubilant unicorn replies. “And I think you’re really good at the piano!”
“Well Bucky…” I pass my cane from my right hand to the left, before holding out my right hand and wiggling my fingers. “I’m not that good, and what skill I have is thanks to these - and lots of practice.”
The colt admires my hand for a few seconds with the enthusiasm and curiosity only a child could generate, before looking up at me. “Some day, I wanna be really good at the piano, like you!”
I give a little chuckle – not at the colt himself, but at just how cliché his words are. It’s possibly the most overused trope you could ever find, even if it does have grounding in how young children idolize public figures.
“And I’m sure that if you practice hard, and try your best, then you can be even better than me.” I grin as I lie through my teeth. I sincerely doubt that anypony would be able to reach a human-level of skill. Like Trixie once said; They just don’t have the multitasking abiliy.
“You think so?” Bucky bounces once on the spot.
“I do.” I pat the colt on the head before spitting out a movie-level Cliché. “You can do anything if you put your mind to it.”
“Oh boy!” My fan squeals in a boyish tenor. “Thanks!”
“No problem.” I slowly rise up from my squat, making sure I keep my smile in place as I glance over the colt’s shoulder. “Now, I think your friends are waiting for you.”
Bucky turns and follows my gaze to the other schoolfoals, who are all clustered a distance away, watching us.
“Oh yeah!” His voice seems no less jubilant.
“I wouldn’t keep them waiting, if I were you.” I say gently. “they’ll want to hear what I told you.”
“Yeah! Thanks!” Bucky took a few steps away, before suddenly turning. “Oh, and Mr. Piano Man?”
“Yes?” I raise an eyebrow, unsure of what’s coming next.
The young unicorn points at my walking cane. “Is that so you don’t fall over?”
I pause, looking from my cane, to the little colt.
“So I don’t…” I mumble under my breath, before realizing that the colt doesn’t understand that a creature can be bipedal.
I break out into a fit of laughter. The innocence of youth is such a wonderful thing.
Bucky stares at me in confusion as I laugh, discard my cane, and then stand up straight.
“No.” I chuckle as I take a few steps, doing my best not to wince at the pain. “It’s just helping me until I get better.”
“Get better?”
“It doesn’t matter.” I wave a hand. “Now, you’d better go see your friends. I think they’re getting impatient!”
“Right!” Bucky turned again and trotted away to his friends. “Hey guys! Guys!”
I smile as I watch the colt prance away, even though I’ve just told him a rather large lie that he may well waste years believing in.
I turn back to a slightly bewildered looking Twilight, wobbling slightly on my feet. “Well, that was fun!” I grin.
“I didn’t know you liked foals.” Twilight’s horn lights up, returning my discarded cane to me.
“If we stand here making a list of all the things you don’t know about me, we could be here a while.” I point out good-naturedly. “But we can deal to that later.”
I grasp the cane in my hands, reassured by the extra stability it provides. “Thanks. Anyway; Why wouldn’t I like foals?” I glance back at the burbling group of miniature-ponies. “They’ve got that ignorant innocence about them that you can never find in an adult. It’s heart warming.”
Twilight looks at me with a mixture of curiosity and mild surprise. “I don’t know… I just never really thought about it.”
“Why would you?” I shrug. “Why would you need to. Whether or not I’m good with foals is irrelevant to everything else we’ve been doing.”
Twilight nods, before we both turn and watch the group of colts and fillies.
After a short pause, I speak again.
“We should probably find little Bucky’s parents, and tell them why ponies can’t play piano.”
***
Yes, I need to climb stairs to reach my room - not too many, though. I think reaching my new suite takes the same amount of stairs as it does to reach the rooms of Shining Armour and Cadance. This still doesn’t stop them from taking the breath out of me when I climb them.
I lean against the wall of the staircase, wheezing as I regain my composure. Twilight and Maneworthy are waiting patiently, not saying anything. We all know why climbing spiral-stairs affects me this way, so there’s no need for apologies or condolences.
Maneworthy helped me locate Bucky’s parents, whom I talked to briefly while their son played with his friends. I mostly just explained how unicorns couldn’t perform the complex multitasking playing the piano required, and that they should break it to him gently. I also told them that they could make me the bad-guy, as I’d hate for the colt to resent his parents over a lie I told.
They were very cooperative. I think the father was a little star-struck, but overall the two were quite easy to talk to, which allowed me to walk away with a clear conscience over my deception.
We didn’t linger for much longer after that. I had no further reason to stay, and we still needed to see my room in the palace – which I’m now eager to move into. My hospital room is starting to feel pretty cramped, and I feel ready to get out of the clinic. Then I’ll be less of an inconvenience for everypony.
Finally, I push myself off the wall and take a deep breath.
“Okay.” I smile at both Twilight and Maneworthy in turn. “Better.”
“Right.” Maneworthy turns to the large oak door pressed against the wall, his horn lighting up as he opens it.
Both ponies step to the side, with Twilight motioning for me to enter first. “It’s your room.” She explains unnecessarily.
I nod, following the mare’s direction and stepping through the door.
“Oh wow.”
It’s clear immediately that I’m receiving a high end apartment. It doesn’t look as grandiose as the Armor-Cadenza’s suite, so much as it looks more open-plan and modern – which is odd, considering that this is a castle that could have been built over a thousand years ago.
The door opens into the rear section of the apartment. It’s one-story, and lit by candles, as there are no windows.
To the left I see a kitchen, which I have no use for. On the right is what looks like a library corner, complete with a desk, bookshelves, a couch and an armchair.
“Oh…” I take a moment to examine the two separate areas. I also spot two doors, which I’ll have to check out later.
“Wow…” Twilight voices my thoughts. “This looks really nice.”
“Seems wasteful.” I’m already feeling guilty, although it doesn’t seem like Twilight had thought about it anyway.
“I don’t think it matters.” Maneworthy cuts in. “Nopony else would be using this suite, so why not give it to you?”
“True.” Twilight takes a step towards the reading corner, squinting to try and make out some of the book covers. “I don’t see anything wrong.
“I suppose…” I trail off, still feeling uncertain about taking up such a large space.
“How about we keep looking before we decide whether or not it’s wasteful?” Maneworthy suggests. I’m inclined to agree. We’ve only seen the entry, after all.
Without acknowledging Maneworthy’s comment, I continue into the apartment.
Beyond the kitchen and the library corner the ceiling abruptly ends, opening onto an airy two-story lounge/atrium inhabited by two couches and three armchairs arranged in a wide oval around a coffee table.
The opposing side of the room is dominated by a single large window that covers the upper half of the wall and the sides of the lower half, while the lower halves’ centre is simply a pair of large glass sliding doors that lead out onto a balcony.
To our right side is a curved staircase that leads up to the second story, which is positioned above the entry area, while over to the left on a slightly raised podium is – of all things – a white grand piano.
I shake my head in disbelief. The apartment itself no longer seems overly extravagant – leaning a little towards Spartan, in fact – but the piano seems a bit over the top. I’m glad it’s here, though.
A better question, is what made the princesses decide to provide it. How did they know I’d still be comfortable playing the piano? Was it a wild guess, or some creepy level of world-wise-alicorn-intuition?
Twilight and Maneworthy don’t seem to have anything to add as I hobble over to the seats and sit down. There’ll be time to check out the upper story later, although I’m pretty sure that the only things up there will be a bedroom and a bathroom, or something like that.
“Well… I like it. Kinda weird that they thought to provide a piano, but still...” I comment simply, unsure of what else to say. The style is aesthetically pleasing, and from what I see, the apartment isn’t overstuffed with furniture, which would just make me feel like I’m taking up space better suited for somepony else.
“I think it’s well suited.” Maneworthy agrees. “Open space… ample furnishing.”
“Do you want to see the rest?” Twilight asks as she and the doctor take their seats, both choosing the armchairs.
“There’ll be time for that later.” I settle into the couch, looking around the lounge. “For now, I’d just like to rest.”
We sit in silence for a few seconds as I slowly relax. I’d be fine to stay right here. Actually, why can’t I?
“Hey.” I suddenly sit up. “I’m moving in here… tomorrow, right? Why not now?”
“Well, it’s not like you need to go back to the clinic.” Maneworthy replies almost instantly, giving me the feeling that my question was expected. “I don’t see why you can’t stay here.”
Twilight nods her agreement. “I don’t see why not.”
Leaning back once again, I sigh. “Well, good to have that out of the way.”
Twilight and Maneworthy are quiet as I briefly shut my eyes. I’ve been doing a lot of walking today, and it’s only eleven in the morning.
‘busy-busy-busy’ I think to myself, not even realizing that I’ve somehow managed to fall asleep again.
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Author's Note:
Who wants 4,000 words of filler and self-aware cliches?
Well, you've got it. I needed to write this chapter, so I did. That's pretty much that. It's kind of ironic that the second longest chapter in this story is my least favorite, and is mostly filler.
Also: I'm not happy with the name 'Bucky.' I'll probably change it at some point.
Stay turned for more progress!
I love how nobody's noticed how dangerously close Keys is to being a Gary Stu. I'll be touching on that in-story, and making more efforts to imbue Keys with extra flaws. I don't want to write as a perfect character. That's just boring for both me and readers.
His real name better not be gary.
1234959
But how? Unless there's the fact that he's taking everything well, and most of his breakdowns can be handwaved as "mood-swings"....
Dammit, now I've noticed it.
Edit: wait, but that doesn't necessarily mean he's Gary Stu class.... I don't know anything anymore
HAHA
Love it>>1234973
I really think that he is in no way a Marty Stu
Rather, he's survived a very tough time, and has come out the otherside with a much deeper and thought provoking outlook on life
1234975 1234976
Be that as it may, he's still saying the 'perfect thing' for the situation far too often. I'm not going to abandon Keys' reflective nature, because that's just part of his personality. I'm just going to... make conversations less 'ideal', and maybe induce a few more breakdowns in future chapters. Just some all-round character blemishing. It might take a few chapters to do, but I really don't want a perfect character.
What is up with posting all these chapters early in the morning?
1234984 Because for me I'm posting them reasonably late at night, after spending a significant amount of time finishing the writing and proof-reading/editing.
1234984
how about right on time GMT+8 bitches
“Some Maneworthy industrialists trying to intimidate the royal investigators.” Maneworthy scoffs. “What a bunch of foals.”
Not sure but I think you meant Manehatten.
1235005 What...
That used to be Manehattan. I'm not even kidding. At some point it got changed to Maneworthy. I have no clue how, but it did.
Stupid errors are stupid. I'll fix it.
Wonderful
I love how you create your environments and give descriptive details and thoughts! Keep up the good work!
I want to see a broken Trixie
Soon
1234962
It's going to be gary motherfucking oak.
"I love how nobody's noticed how dangerously close Keys is to being a Gary Stu."
That's a joke, right? If anything, he's an annoyingly flawed character. I understand that he's traumatized by what happened to him, and has PTSD or something like it, but all the angst-laden introspection... and nervous breakdowns... and his fear of revealing anything about his origins... it does get to be a bit of a drag after a while.
Okay, great chapter if not one of your best ones yet. Uplifting. But the one thing I'm hooked on is Trixie's parents. I feel as though that mentioning her parents being on her side and how blatantly unconcerned everyone is makes me feel like it's a major case of Foreboding or something...
yeah I'm sure they won't be able to get her off the hook completely but if they have the money that i think they have, they will be able to greatly influence the outcome of the court case. not to mention that if trixie's father is half as nasty as i think he is, Keys has made a new, powerful, influential, and deadly enemy. All I can think of is that 'Daddy' is going to spend a lot of money making sure Keys dies soon for hurting his daughter and embarrassing his family name and will make sure his murder looks like an accident...
If that happens... I CALLED IT!!!
Also, Boss-Author, are you going to go into anything about what, if any, procedures there are for unicorns that lose their horn? Like, will trixie get a new one and come back for vengence? or is her magic loss permanent?
Oh, and are we going to see Prince Blueblood at any point Boss-Author?
1234983
This shouldn't be too hard to do without destroying his likability. He'll still want to keep the origin of his "clairvoyant" knowledge of this world and its inhabitants secret, which may arouse suspicion. Or perhaps there might be musical competitiveness in store?
Bottom line, even if he does his best to fit in and appear harmless, he's still a member of a belligerent species from a far more psychologically-twisted place than Equestria.
Personally, I think he's flawed enough. He's physically weak, emotionally unstable and on who knows what kind of medication. As understandable as it is, the angst and moping does quite enough to inform us of his flaws.
1235061
What he saId.
Awww Keys is so nice to the fillies and colts.
That seemed like a lot of work just to avoid having to admit to a kid to his face that fingers give humans an advantage at playing piano. (Make the parents do it instead once he's had all afternoon to fantasize about his future career, much better idea.) Children don't need that level of coddling IMO; I'd say that is a point against him being Gary Sue right there.
Should be 'put'.
I think that was the only jarring typo.
Keys is about as far as you can get from a Marty Stu.
Regardless of whether or not he is a Gary Stu, this story is still good. Keep on writing.
ah yeah update!
Who the hell is Marty Stu?
What annoys me to no end is how he keeps thinking about "tropes"
(Is this real life? Is it just fantasy? 
)
He sure wasn't lying that he could never be a psychiatrist. First casually mention that almost-breakdown before meeting the princesses when pointing out that his mind is unstable, later mentioning that he thinks his mind is actually unstable because of the meds... yeah... great doctor. 
I could imagine Keys getting mad at Maneworthy at some point in time later...
"overused trope blah blah blah"
YOU'RE NOT IN A TV SHOW
Nope, no way in hell is he too perfect.
In regards to medication messing with his mind. Just because the doctor thinks it's because of the medication, it doesn't mean it is. It could just be making it worse. And that doctor of his... well, that is just such a perfect timing to mention side effects of his meds...
Perhaps you did make him a bit too nice. I won't argue with that. You kinda did. I'd probably be bitter and sarcastic for a long time after going through something like that. I just hope you don't make him a walking contradiction. Which is to say, don't add some absurdly crippling personality problems to counterbalance being absurdly nice and perfect in other cases. The results of a character like that wouldn't be... pretty.
1236142
Marty Stu is the male equivalent of Mary Sue. Ya know, bland, overpowered OC?
1235209
He did promise to answer Twilight's questions, and I'm positive one will be the same that Cadance asked: How did he know about This Day?
And from there, it's all downhill.
One good thing ( I suppose) is he's not having to deal with the CMC. I imagine their enthusiasm could get quite wearing.
Now on to commenting on the story...still as interesting as ever.
One random thought I had was what if Keys stumbled across a newspaper dated a day or two after the Gala? It would be interesting to see the average ponies' and journalists' view of that there shenanigans.
If Keys is a Marty Stu, I haven't seen any sign of it, other than the fact that he hasn't collapsed in despair ... yet. PTSD has a tendency to hit hardest when the victim feels safe, from what I've heard and read. So no, he's not out of the woods just yet.
1234959
*shrugs* He's not at the point where I'd call him a true Gary Stu, and he hasn't really received enough characterization yet to be called a Stu on that account. If I don't think he's a Stu just yet, then by god he's not a fucking Stu.
Watch for things in the future though. I'm reassured by the fact that you're aware of the line you could easily start toeing.
1234962 Oh no. He's not called Gary.
1235061 1235209 1235982 1236077 1236351
Hmm... Well, I didn't really look at it this way. I suppose that Keys actually is flawed enough as it is. Although to be fair: His last actual breakdown was in 'Meeting the Royalty: Part 1', and I don't actually consider his introspection to be angsty. It's supposed to be part of my story's side goal of looking at the oddities of Equestria compared to Earth.
1235179 Okay... so: Trixie's family is definitely a going concern - although there's no way they can get Trixie off the hook.
While I'm not planning to mention anything about Trixie getting her horn back, I do have some explaining to do on the subject regarding how horns use magic and what's happened to our lovable slave-owner.
And Blueblood... I'd be a fool to have him not show up. Brony-Rage speeches is best speeches.
1235846 Partly why I did it - except that he didn't try to hide his fingers. He even held his hand out and showed it to little Bucky. His real crime was telling a child what they wanted to hear.
1236197 The universe is still utilizing tropes and such from the show, and it's easier to just reference them as what they are.
And also: It's not like I plan to make Keys stop being nice.
1236615 It's a simple matter to just make sure he doesn't do everything perfectly - hence his rather ill-thought out conversation with little Bucky.
As a wide notice to all readers: The biggest thing that could lead to Keys becoming a Gary Stu is his knowledge of Equestria and its inhabitants. His Brony Knowledge allows for him to frequently do the right thing for the situation. I'm trying to make that less of a major point by occasionally having the ponies surprise him with something the show has never indicated at or shown.
1235945 Thanks. Fixed.
Now things are really going along, can't wait to see what happens when Trixie appears again.
1234959 another great chapter. the filler gives it more depth and makes it seem more real. i loved it good job
> "The biggest thing that could lead to Keys becoming a Gary Stu is his knowledge of Equestria and its inhabitants."
This seems to me like it could become one of the interesting subjects to explore in the story, particularly as he recovers and gets past some of the trauma. I've seen a number of HiE stories where the H had FiM/brony knowledge, but they've always made a point (and sometimes gone to extreme measures) to keep it secret, for reasons that were not always clear. I've never read one where they put their heads together with the ponies and try to figure out what it all means.
I'm not sure if it counts as a "Gary Stu" character if he's in a situation that does, in fact, grant him an uncanny-and-unfair advantage. It more depends on what he does with that. (A classic Gary Stu would use that to his advantage in every way possible, feel no qualms about doing so, and totally get away with it, and end up being Loved By All. I can't see Keys going that route.)
Also, there are a number of ways it could turn out to be a double-edged sword. Some ponies might react badly. Worse, his knowledge might turn out to be inaccurate or incomplete at a critical moment. (And I'm still a bit creeped by the idea of a world that conforms to every whim of Hasbro's toy marketing efforts. Wherefore art thou Cadence?!?)
name him ludwing! or rakdar or raldur or darkar or rachimoff or lauren faust or how bout griffon or echo i like echo pehaps ed, steve, or flynn?
I think Trixie is Equestria's J. D. (By comparison.) The only reason there is a trial I to figure out Wht her punishment is going to be. There is no way in hell she's not going to be found guilty. Hell, J.D. was going to get either life in prison, death penalty, or life in a straight jacket. He got life in prison, and got killed.
No. The Trixie issues are enough flaws for anyone, you don't even need to add any more, in my opinion. I think the Gary Stu haters actually get a thrill from this story, in which he is abducted, caged, tortured, almost killed, and develops lasting psychological problems.
1234983
He's not a Mary Stu yet, although you are right about the 'right thing at the right times' part. Just tone it down a tad, and you'll be fine.
RANDOM
vvvvvvvv
How is he a Mary Stu? If he was Mary Stu, he'd be running through Equestria screaming:
And proceed to topple the monarchy to make way for democracy!
...what?
Ehh, even for filler I don't think this chapter is too bad, and it's not like nothing happened. The visit to the wagon is a somewhat big deal for Keys psychologically speaking, and the introduction to his new rooms at the end was interesting.
Damnit Mr cloud! Your description of the suite was so good that I have to make it in minecraft!
Hmmm...
MOAR!
1237827 GOOD IDEA!!!
Well, that was thoroughly enjoyable. Things are looking up, but Keys has a long road ahead of him. Hope we still see plenty of Maneworthy even with Keys leaving the hospital.
As for your Gary Stu comment, the thought had barely crossed my mind. The simple aspects of Key's poor narration provide his flaws. He has a poor attention span. He is selfish, when he should be listening to others, he thinks of himself. Not to mention the whole subconsciously suicidal aspect to his psyche. He stands out in a crowd sure, but he's human, kinda hard to avoid that. He it terribly flawed though, and if you think he's a Gary Stu, then trust me, I can point out about a thousand better examples of Gary Stu at the drop of a hat.
1237064 I'm thinking of doing the whole 'what does it all mean' part after the existence of My Little Pony eventually comes to light. That's still a while away though - I mean, seriously: this story has covered one day and a half over the course of 36,000 words.
1237157 1237276 1237410 1238325
Keys isn't a Gary/Marty Stu. In hindsight, I probably should have considered some of the more subtle areas of his personality before labeling him so.
Okay, I get it!
Looks like I made Keys more flawed than I thought. Hooray for not realizing how much I'd characterized my MC!
Oh, but PonIver: Define 'Bad narration'. Do you mean because he's set up as an Unreliable Narrator, or so you think I narrate him badly?
And yes. Externally, Keys is reasonably 'generous', but he has a rude and selfish habit of phasing out at the worst times.
1237827 1237933 I was planning on doing that myself, but decided it would be best to release the chapter first.
Let's all do this, and then compare results!
1238795 Uhhhh...what does that have to do with my comment? I was comparing Trixie to a very bad Jeffery. You know which one.
1238806 Oh.
...
Whoops.
1238945 Yeah...Imagine seeing him in an alley wearing a clown mask, holding a bloody knife, and the blood is fresh. I just pictured that in my head and all the doors and windows are locked and reinforced. I'm probably going to have a nightmare or twelve.
For the last while I have been restricted to not posting (screw you incredibly cheaply made crap piece of 70$ android tablet blatant i-pad look alike (I love android and hate apple, but the tablet I have is literally a smaller version of the ascetics of an i-pad.)
Anyway, love how this story is going, yes. It may be a bit of a SOL story at this point, and Yes. It kinda lost some of the original clean cut purpose with this new story, and Yes. I dislike current time POV fics, but none of those end up mattering really.
None of the above flaws are really flaws in the writing, but in the general story choice in the first place. This story strides what I think is the perfect border between realistic, fun, corny, and interesting. The only way I can really describe everything so far is awesome.
I still love to see that this has updated. Still one of the stories that drastically improves the fun of "reading time" that I always spend on fimfiction reading all the stories that have updated. And if you did not get the impression from the above, here is a nice, immature, stupid, and self centered end.
MOAR!
1238980 How dare you ask for Moar!
No Moar for you! No Moar for ANYONE.
...
Fine. You can have Moar.
Also, I suppose that for readers of the original story, this is a very big change. From slavery and Trixie-bashing, to slice-of life and mild existentialism.