• Published 8th Jul 2019
  • 972 Views, 52 Comments

New Chaotic Friends! - GMBlackjack

Discord feels like he doesn't have any truly chaotic friends, so he tries to find some. This effort goes horribly, terribly right.

  • ...

VI - In Wh999999999

“My turn,” Chara said, grinning with glee as the monsters descended upon the cake, one after another, falling into the inviting crimson flesh that made up the bulk of the sugary delight.

None of the creatures noticed that the ones that went into the cake never came back out. Or, if they did, the smell and taste of the cake was simply too much to resist.

Dozens of the worst monsters of the world were absorbed into the fleshy, shivering mass of an unholy pastry.

When all the beasts she had released were absorbed into the confines of the cake, she decided it was enough. She threw the last ingredient in - a heart made entirely out of metal and clockwork. The cake devoured it - and shot to life. The bottom layer split into eight sections, each one becoming a leg riddled with eyes, bones, and dark fire. The middle contorted into a baker’s dozen tentacles, whipping around in mad, disordered rage. At the top, what might have been considered the creature’s head exploded, revealing an upside-down skull with a ruby in its forehead, floating a short distance from the rest of the body.

Chara was mildly concerned the creature she had just created wouldn't fit out the doors to Tartarus. She could worry about that later, though.

First… a test.

“Here Cerberus…” Chara giggled. “Say hello to your new friend.”

Cerberus, ever the dutiful guard dog, barked at the cake beast.

The crimson monster did not respond in kind. It lifted a tentacle, lacing it with translucent constructs that looked vaguely digital in nature. It stabbed forward with the fury of a thousand knives.

Cerberus never stood a chance.

Chara looked upon the carnage with an impossibly large grin. “You’ll do nicely…”

The beast had a mind of its own, rushing for the door at high speed. Chara appeared in front of the sealed gates just soon enough to ram her knife into the slit and force the doors apart ever-so-slightly.

Just enough to give the beast something to leverage.

The doors to Tartarus swung open, unleashing the confectionary terror that Chara had just created upon the world.

“I think I’m going to call you… Flayer. Come on, let’s go destroy the world together!

Flayer’s only response was to charge forward with reckless abandon, devouring trees and small woodland critters as it moved.

The world wouldn’t know what hit it.

Chara was looking forward to the looks on the little ponies’ faces almost as much as utterly destroying the fabric of existence.


“...I felt that,” Discord said, shivering head to tail.

“Felt what?” Spike asked.

The three of them had realized they hadn’t eaten for a while, so they had stopped at the local hayburger for refueling and planning what to do next.

They had to find Chara, yes, but she was Pinkie Pie and could just bounce anywhere she wanted. They had no way to trace her, tales of her exploits didn’t follow any discernible pattern, and she hadn’t been seen any time in recent memory. Celestia and Luna had sent out feelers, but gotten nothing but stories from shortly after the chaos erupted.

It was as though she had just vanished.

Currently, it was the middle of the night, but none of them wanted to go to sleep. Fluttershy, Discord, and the Mask were fine, though Spike was starting to yawn.

“I asked what you felt,” Spike prodded Discord.

Discord frowned. “I’m not sure. Something that doesn’t belong has come to Equestria.”

“Took you that long for your senses to figure that out?” the Mask laughed.

“No, this is new.”

“Another chaotic person?” Fluttershy asked. “I’m not sure we can handle another one…”

“I don’t know,” Discord furrowed his brow. “But I can take us to it. It was big enough for me to know exactly where it is. Let’s just do a little twist here and ZAPP-O, here we are!”

They appeared right in front of Flayer smashing through the immense forest, devouring trees by stepping on them. Fluttershy could hear the cries of woodland critters panicking… dying… It wasn’t anything she hadn’t heard before, but no predator had caused this much terror since she’d gotten her cutie mark.

Standing on top of the central skull of Flayer was none other than Chara herself, fixing them with a grin that threatened to cut her head in half. “I’m so glad you could make it! Do you like him? His name’s Flayer, and he’s going to tear your world down bit… by… bit!

“Oh yeah?” Spike shouted. “Well, you’re going to have to get through us f-”

Flayer lashed out with a quick tentacle, hitting Spike dead on.

“SPIKE!” Fluttershy wailed, eyes widening in panic at the sight of dragon blood.

Discord didn’t waste a second. He snapped his fingers and dropped an anvil the size of Canterlot Castle on Chara and Flayer.

Chara caught it on the tip of her knife as if it was made of clouds. “Flayer? That snake right there? I bet he’ll be really fun to devour.”

One of the tentacles opened up to reveal a dripping, toothy maw that rushed Discord. He turned the mouth into a daisy but was soon surprised to see that the mouth grew back. He had to teleport away to avoid being bitten in half.

“What gives?”

“I dunno!” Chara admitted. “I just threw whatever I felt like into the concoction, this came out. I bet he’s got all kinds of freaky powers!”

“That’s… that’s stupid!”

“It’s chaotic! And plus, I don’t really care how badly it goes, my end goal is the destruction of everything. I will not rest until this universe is an endless void of darkness! And then I will lie in wait until some other well-meaning chaotic fool thinks helping the poor child out of her misery is a good idea!” She threw her head back and squealed in delight while Flayer created a scythe out of magic rubies and cut at Discord. He did not want to find out if this creature’s power could harm him. “If it makes you feel better, I haven't felt this excited since I destroyed my previous world!”

“How did a kid get so psychotic?” Discord asked, grabbing two of the tentacles with licorice ropes and tearing them off, only for them to grow back.

“Ask the player who thought it was worth killing everyone just to see what happened.”


In his distraction, the monster got hold of him and drove some teeth into his sides. He felt his power start draining away. “Fiddlesticks!” He snapped his fingers, exploding himself like a bomb and reforming behind Chara.

She stabbed him with her knife of Determination. Nothing but immense quantities of ketchup, but for a second he thought he’d been heavily injured.

It was enough for Flayer’s skull to hit him with a dual laser beam, tossing him aside.

“Heh. Lord of Chaos…” Chara giggled. “Now…”

Fluttershy was standing protectively over Spike, wings splayed. “He needs to get to a hospital.”

“I think I’ll destroy the hospitals first!”

“You monster!” Fluttershy shouted. “What is wrong with you?”

“You should ask what’s wrong with humanity. I wouldn’t exist if some poor bloke sitting behind a computer thought it’d be fun for me to exist.” She twirled her knife and pointed it at Fluttershy. “I was made this way. A force to destroy everything I come in contact with. A force of… genocide.

Fluttershy glanced back at Spike - those wounds weren’t good. He’d already passed out, he needed help… The Mask’s first aid kit had only done so much.

“Oh, he’s still alive? Let me fix that for you.” She pulled a chunk of meat out of her mane and tossed it down. “Oh look! Flayer, isn’t that tasty smelling?”

Flayer agreed, lifting a foot to stomp Fluttershy.

“NO!” Fluttershy shouted, holding her wings forward.

Suddenly, there was a magical wand in one of her wings. She gasped. “Mask…”

“You’re welcome,” the Mask said with a wink. “Let’s do this.”

The wand produced an immense glow of white light that consumed Fluttershy and the Mask, the power forcing Flayer to retract its foot.

“What are they playing it?” Chara wondered.

Fluttershy floated into the air, light coalescing around her. Her long mane began to grow even further, extending into two long tassels that fell all the way to her lower hooves. A circlet appeared around her head, glowing with a butterfly gem not unlike that of the Element of Kindness. A white dress that ended with a miniskirt formed around her, ruffling in the wind. The Mask took the form of a masquerade mask, appearing solidly on her face.

She lifted the wand high. “We are Masked Sailor Kindness! And you will not hurt our friends!”

“Anime isn’t real!” Chara shouted.

“It’s as real as you want it to be,” Sailor Kindness responded, pointing the wand at Chara, knocking her off with a beam of light and cute animal spirits. Chara was overwhelmed and fell off Flayer to the ground below.

“DISCORD!” Sailor Kindness shouted. “Get up and deal with Flayer! I’ll take the little psycho!”

Discord quickly put away his popcorn and shook his head. “Uh, right!”

“Protect Spike!”

Discord nodded, barreling into the cake at high speed with a meat cleaver painted with the face of the cat. “I’m going to turn you into a hairball.”

Flayer created a disgusting mess of tangled thorns and blood, belching it out in Discord’s direction.

“On second thought, scratch the hairball. Egh…

Sailor Kindness barreled into Chara at high speed, shooting her a cocky smirk. “What are you going to do now? Separated from your precious cake monster you can’t hurt anypony!”

“Oh, I can hurt…” Chara pulled out her knife, scowling. “Killing, though… that’s a problem.”

“So bring it,” Sailor Kindness said, playing with a paddleball in her free wing. “I’ve got time, I can wait for you to find a workaround.”

Chara charged, bringing her knife down right between Sailor Kindness’ eyes. Ketchup poured down from the blade’s hilt into the pegasus’ mouth.

“Huh. This is some pretty substandard ketchup. Did you just get it from the local hayburger?”

“SHUT UP!” Chara whined, punching her in the face. Sailor Kindness twirled back, performed a loop-de-loop, and bucked Chara in the face.

“You’re not actually very good at fighting, are you?”

“I deal maximum damage…” Chara breathed.

“Zero, right?”

“As much as is needed!” She screeched, driving the knife into Sailor Kindness once again.

“...At this rate I’ll be a red pegasus.”

I wonder if red would be a good look on me… Fluttershy wondered.

You could rock it, your figure’s great! the Mask offered.

I think I’ll try i-

This internal monologue was cut short when Chara kicked Sailor Kindness in the stomach, knocking her to the ground. “Pain is as good a motivator as any…”

Sailor Kindness sprung back up like a pop-up book. “What pain?”

“Why did you have to be the Mask!?” Chara shouted, swinging her knife wild.

Sailor Kindness’s head popped right off.

Chara stared in disbelief. “I… I did it…”

“Yep, you sure did it,” Sailor Kindness sighed. “Now look.”

Chara looked down at the still-speaking head. “Wh-”

“Not at me, the rest of me.”

Chara glanced in bewilderment at the headless pegasus running… neck-stump first into a tree.

“Hey! Keep the wound clean or it’ll get infected!” Sailor Kindness shouted at her mindless body. “Uuuugh…”

“...Why do you mock me so?” Chara asked, her eyes lighting up with the fires of rage.

“To get you angry?”

“Mission accomplished.” She punted Sailor Kindness’s head like a football, only for it to land square on her body.

“Oh, thanks! Looks like you can heal just fine!”

“AAAAAAAAAAAA!” Chara screamed.


Spike regained consciousness to the sight of Discord fighting a cake monster with chopsticks the size of Manehattan skyscrapers. It was an incredible sight that Spike didn’t care much for at the moment. The pain in his arm was killing him.

I really hope that’s just an exaggeration of the situation, Spike thought, turning to look at his arm.

He decided it might not be an exaggeration. But Discord was clearly occupied and he had no idea where Fluttershy was…

He definitely couldn’t move very far like this.

I have to do something. I have to do something…

With his working hand, he pulled out a piece of paper. He could send one message… only a short one, and one that had to be easy to understand.


He coughed up a burst of fire, consuming the letter and sending it off to the princesses…

A loose attack of cheese whiz covered him.


“Much of the city has burned to ash,” Celestia said, furrowing her brow as she examined the report that had just come in. “There were fewer casualties than you might expect, but there were still some.”

“The Joker is no more, Celestia,” Luna said. “He has paid for his crimes.”

“Somehow, I doubt that…” Celestia shook her head. “Regardless, we need to give a message to the ponies in the morn-”

A letter appeared in front of her, hastily scrawled and not even rolled up correctly.


“Is that… dragon blood?” Luna asked.

Celestia grimaced. “It appears so…”

“We need to go assist them!”

“Yes.” Celestia set the letter down. “But we must secure the aid of the Treehouse before.”

“Spike could be-”

“He wrote this message. We will do what he asks.” Celestia grimaced.

The two sisters teleported to their old castle. In the night, they could almost forget how worn down the place was, despite the recent addition of the Treehouse. It sparkled in the cold night air, the only source of light besides the stars themselves.

The sisters took a step forward - and rammed headfirst into a magical barrier.

“What in the name of the Stars?” Luna wondered aloud, eyes widening. “A barrier?”

“PRINCESSES!” Silverstream shouted, running out of the Treehouse as fast as she could. “Oh thank you thank you we were getting so panicked!”


“We’re trapped!” Silverstream wailed, placing her talons on the invisible barrier. “We don’t know when it happened but this barrier went up around the Treehouse with us still in it!”

Luna fired a beam of magic at the barrier to no effect. “...We do not have time for this, I am sorry. Sister, the Treehouse can be of no assistance in this state. We must do what we can on our own.”

Celestia nodded. “I am sorry Silverstream. We will get you out as soon as we are able, but right now Spike is in danger.”

“Oh no! Go, go help him! W-we’ll be fine in here!”

Celestia nodded, resting a hoof on the barrier. “Tzeentch… it did this. It is planning something, Luna.”


“I don’t know. And that worries me tremendously.”

Luna lit her horn and teleported them to the easily detectable form of Discord. The two met his trademarked Beam of Cats™ attack with beams of Dark and Light.

The monstrous cake barely noticed their additions, still focusing all its attention on Discord.

“This thing never runs out of juice!” Discord shouted, switching to a rocket launcher that fired oranges. “But neither do I.”

Flayer lashed out his tentacles, coming in direct contact with a chaotic barrier.

“What is this fiend?” Luna asked, firing missiles.

“Some beast Chara cooked up to destroy Equestria or something,” Discord explained dismissively.

“It will be allowed no quarter…” Celestia declared.

Discord hit it with a giant quarter. “Oh, wait, you don’t know what a quarter is… the joke’s lost on you.”

“Am I correct in assuming it is that large coin?”


Celestia smirked. “Never change, Discord.”

“I thought we wanted him to change?” Luna asked.

“Don’t split hairs over this,” Discord said. He pulled out a pair of scissors and cut off some more tentacles, only for more to grow in place once again. “I’ve got nothing. This beast just keeps recharging itself!”

“Then go for the source of its power!” Luna declared.

“I can’t go focus on Chara! This thing will eat Spike or go destroy the closest town or something!”

“Then we need to switch!” Sailor Kindness said, appearing in the midst of them. “Take her - we’ll hold off the cake beast until you remove Chara from Pinkie Pie! No quesitons, do it!”

Discord grimaced, but went ahead and teleported away.

He grabbed Chara instantly.

Flayer laid its tentacles on the Princesses faster. Their shields were worthless against the otherworldly operations of its dark magics. Sharp blades emerged from the rappings, driving themselves into the Princesses.

it threw the two of them into the ground, raising a foot to stomp on them. Soon, they would be just another part of the mass.

“Not today…” Sailor Kindness declared, pushing the caked foot back with a burst of light. “You answer to me! You will n-”

A tentacle hit her directly across the chest. It was difficult to tell exactly where the wound was given how covered she was in ketchup, but she knew that injury had been real. She trembled in place, trying to hold on to her power.

The wand exploded in a shower of light, pushing Flayer’s limbs back a few feet. Fluttershy and the Mask were back, breathing heavily without any aura of power.

“Nice knowin’ ya, kid…” the Mask wheezed.

“We… can’t… not now!” Fluttershy Stared at Flayer’s skull.

Flayer paused in shock. What was she doing? Why did it feel afraid? Should it squash her or run away? It didn’t know.

It would never know, because at that moment Discord finally grabbed hold of Chara.

“Let me go!” Chara hissed.

“Okay,” Discord said, pressing a finger to her head.

“No… no! I’m not going back! I will destroy this w-”

She was gone, leaving only Pinkie Pie left.

The magic that had been infused into Flayer weakened. It had no Determination with which to hold itself together anymore, nothing that gave it a reason to keep killing and devouring. The black fires went out and the meaty monstrosity crumpled to the ground, filling a small valley with a mixture of disgusting and delectable pastries.

Under normal conditions Discord would have done some bragging and mocking of the caked monstrosity: but these weren't normal conditions.

He had actual injured.

He teleported to them, healing Fluttershy first, then the Princesses. It took him a little while to find Spike, but the moment the little dragon was pulled out of the cheese he was good as new. “There. Everyone’s fine.” He created a recliner and slumped into it, exhausted. “I never want to do that again…”

Fluttershy rushed him into a hug, getting ketchup all over him. “I… I hope so too…”

“You may have to,” Celestia said, frowning. “Tzeentch is still out there. And it laid a barrier spell around the Treehouse. It has a plan.”

“A plan? What kind of plan?” Spike asked.

“The worst kind of plan…” the Mask declared, narrowing her eyes. “A plan we know nothing about.”

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