Obligatory Self Insert

by Jaycren

A Short Detour

As I bid Pinkie farewell, I looked towards the direction of the strip club. Shaking my head I turned towards a different destination.

Are you sure you want to go there? After all bitches be crazy.

Ignoring my author I redouble my speed, if I got their soon enough this could all work in my favor. After all I know how that pervert thinks. Magic of Dragons was not the only thing that Gorilka1 did. Not to mention that Sunset Knows What She Wants and Sunset's not done yet were not done by Gorilka1, they were done by BlackmaneX.

I never confirmed or denied using that particular continuity. Besides if your right Fast Growing Apple Is canon to this as well.

Yeah and?

Hey! I thought we were keeping this PG.

Yeah once we get to the strip club you are so going to have to change the rating. By the way, why am I wearing Pride and Wrath?

Surprised it took you so long to notice. You remember the rules, right?

One vice one virtue, two sides of the same coin . So if I am wearing Wrath and Pride, then I have to also be wearing Meekness and Humility. Wait, there have to be three. Three, Three, Three. All Numbers Are Three.

You also have elements, namely Kindness and Loyalty, the third virtue you retrieved when you got here.
Charity. Which means -

That Greed and Generosity are in Twilight's castle. Shit. Vices are weapons, Virtues are defensive, Elements are what?"

Dangerous Tools.

Of course. Well I'm really glad I made it to Carousal Boutique already, heh.

What?

Smiling at my author's reaction I stroll in to behold Twilight floating in mid air. White light blazed in her eyes, and flames burned across her body, as she glared down upon a skyclad Rarity and Spike. The fainting couch had been completely destroyed.

"Now darling, Please listen to reason,"Rarity tried, "Spike tried to warn me of the effects but I didn't listen.

Glancing down at her dragon lover's cock, she quietly added, I am not sure I would have said no even if I had. I was hoping for an excuse to repeat his birthday.

Lowering my head, I pinched my nose. Snorting, I said the words I knew would instantly calm the Bookhorse down.

"Hey, Princess of Nerdly Desire!" I shouted.

The Insane Alicorn shifted her glare unto me, power arcing from her

What do you want, Mina? The Object of Oedipal Lust demanded, Why do you come between me and those who need to be punished?

Taking a step back despite myself, I smirked up at what Twilight's surge had revealed, "You need new clothes, and so does Rarity and Spike. Your's have completely combusted at this point and Rarity is as naked as the day is long. Besides, I think you're just jealous they didn't include you. I'm not into males, but even I have to admit Spike is impressive."

Twilight's eyes shot back at her friend and little brother/son/assistant/whatever, blushing furiously she glanced at her self.

"Oh, and Twilight?" I casually mentioned, "You're also giving everyone outside the Boutique a show. These windows are for displays."

KO! I mentally shouted, as Twilight doused herself and tumbled to the ground. Holding up my hand to Rarity and Spike, I grabbed a jacket off a nearby mannequin and draped it over Twi.

Lowering my hand I requested, "Ms. Belle would you take Princess Accidental Exhibitionist to get new clothes, yourself as well."

Rarity shot forward to help Twilight, Spike made to follow as well, but I clamped a hand onto his shoulder. "Not you, Mr. Sparkle. You and I need a word."

The young dragon tensed as I glowered down at him.

"Excuse me but what gives you the -," Rarity began.

"I am the only one in this room that has not had sex with this teen dragon. You two have had him twice! Do not challenge me on this! I know what can happen to the ideals of men when they are corrupted," Turning to the dragon I reprimanded him, "Spike you will locate your's and Ms Belle's clothes. Her's you will return. After you have re-clothed yourself, you and I are going to have a little chat about what you've been up to. Man To Man."

I could feel Spike's hope rising, the poor guy really did need a guy around. Living with this many Alpha Females would drive any guy crazy. Big Mac at least could get some relief now and then, dude was a stud with the ladies. But Spike I was willing to bet couldn't even crank one off. As someone that has to handle that at least 3 if not 5 times in one day, I can sympathize.

"Yes Sir!" he shouted.

Doing his best Rainbow Dash Impersonation, Spike darted around the room. Several times it was required he use his flame to retrieve hard to reach clothing. I mean how did Rarity's bra get inside the chandelier? And I refuse to mention were he found her panties. Kinky thirsty mares, Christ.

Dashing back into the room, Spike threw his and Rarity's clothing into the air. Taking a deep breath, he incinerated it all. Green Fire shot down and enveloped both the Element of Slutty Business women and her teen paramour. The flame cleared to reveal both Spike and Rarity fully clothed.

Bowing to Rarity, Spike crooned, "Your clothes, my Lady. Freshly laundered and repaired by dragon fire. I trust all is to your liking?"

Smooth, I admitted silently. Kid's got swag. Just needed to relieve his manly tension so he could think for ten seconds. Still I can't let the kid get to confident. I very well may need to beat the dragon magic out of him in a couple of minutes after all.

"Alright," I interrupted, "If we have had enough of the theatrics, I need to have my mano a mano with Spike and you, Ms. Belle, need to attend to your friend."

"It's alright, Rarity, I'll be fine." Spike assured her.

"Alright then, Spikey," Rarity sighed, glaring at me she snarled, "Spike should not pay for my and Twilight's sins. I will be very cross if you harm him unduly."

"It is not my intent," I assured her, "But he did use magic to comprise both you and his mother's consent. That the first was accidental and the second was asked for is irrelevant. A man has to answer for such things."

Retrieving Twilight, Rarity offered her hand to the Manic Mare. Twilight glared for a moment then glanced at me.

"You had as big a part in this as she did, Bookhorse. Get thee to acquire new clothes. Preferably with panties this time."

Twilight blanched but took Rarity's hand. Together the two mares exited the showroom. Turning back to Spike, I slapped him hard.

What in the ever loving buck were you thinking?! A book on the Magic of Dragons just happens to fall into your mother's lap and you don't think it may be corrupt. Seriously, have you ever heard of Dragons having Magic? Celestia be damned Spike, you're supposed to be the sensible one."

"I kno-, " Spike stopped, his nose scrunching up, "Wait, who are you?"

"My name is Minaren, and your mother summoned me accidentally after you fogged her mind."

"Okay, but how did you know all of that?"

"Because I know the author and I know what an insufferable pervert he is. Everything else is narrative geusswork. Which is why I am only going to say this once. Give me the book Spike. It needs to be destroyed."

"No, it's mine!" Spike snarled, "Do you know what its like to be the sole male friend surrounded by the sexiest mares on the planet? My wet nurse was Celestia! I have been friendzoned by all the mares of Equestria! Hell even in the Crystal Empire I'm seen as a virginal figure. I finally can get some action and you want me back to no relief, all frustration?"

I sighed, whelp I tried. Shoving my arm forward, I extended Pride from it's hidden sheath. The tip of the spring loaded steel baton struck Spike firmly in the stomach. Gasping the little Drake doubled over.

"The pain will stop when I get the book," I informed Spike, "This is entirely for your own good."

Hitting a hidden button on the handle, I once more jabbed the baton into spike. The adolescent writhed as electricity flowed through his body. After 15 min I released the button.

"Book now." I snarled.

Spike nodded his head weakly, "Alright, its over by the recliner. I dropped it there when Rarity jumped me."

"She did no such thing," I corrected once more pressing the electrode into the lying serpent, "She approached you as a Lady, with clear intent."

Five minutes later and i removed the baton.

"Try again," I asked for the third time, "Were is that book? It's feeding your greed and playing to your emotions. Do you hear yourself? All Entitlement and Lies! Please Spike, don't make me hurt you more."

Spike raised his head, his eyes clearing as he thought on what he had said, on how he'd accused Rarity of acting.

"It's underneath the lounge, I dropped it there when we moved to get more comfortable."

I smiled, "Thank you Spike," stepping back I motioned towards the lounge, "now go and get it."

Spike nodded, rising from the floor he dejectedly made his way to retrieve his treasure.

"Two Things Spike," I clarified, "First, I know about the list so don't run. And second, I don't think one taste of Dragon Dick is going to satisfy your Rarity. That Lady claimed you a long time ago."

Indeed I did, Spikey is mine. And I intend to indulge in quite a bit of selfishness with him."

"Ah, just like a lady to never miss her que," I snark, "perfect entrance as always."

Rarity scrunched her nose in annoyance, "You play word games worse then Discord."

"I take that as a complement," I chuckled, "Spike I would like that book please."

"Here it is!" The young Drake yelled, virtually throwing into my hands on the way to Rarity's arms, "please don't shock me again!"

Juggling the book for a moment, I allowed Pride to return to it's sheath. Flicking my hand I activate Wrath. A swirling blue flame curled around the book quickly igniting it. Walking over to the fireplace, I tossed the flaming manuscript in. Removing the poker, I shifted it around until it was blazing quite nicely.

"So when are you letting Princess Never Let A Book Come To Harm out of whatever closet you stuffed her into."

Rarity's eyes twinkled mischievously, "Once that horrid book is nothing more then ash," Rarity confirmed, causing Spike to squeak as she pulled him tighter, "It made my Spikey Wikey say some rather nasty things and that is not something I forgive."

Author's Note:

I know this is not the story or chapter I promised. But I needed to tie this plothole up and I also took the chance for a little exposition. All of the Vice, Virtues, and Elements are based on things I either built, designed, or imagined. So far we have:

Pride: A Steel collapsible baton. It is attached to a sheath and springs into the users hand. It does so with considerable force. It also had a taser in the tip.

Wrath: A concealable flame thrower that is triggered by hand gestures. Everything from ignition to the air/gas mix is controllable from the hand.

Comments

[True Edge]

“Wrath” sounds like the wet dream of both a street magician and an arsonist. Well done! XD

Also . . .

What in the ever loving buck were you thinking?! A book on the Magic of Dragons just happens to fall into your mother's lap and you don't think it may be corrupt. Seriously, have you ever heard of Dragons having Magic? Celestia be damned Spike, you're supposed to be the sensible one."

Don’t you think for an instance that I’m not enough of a perv myself to catch the reference.

[Jaycren]

9888841
I do in fact have a design for it. I never built the thing, mostly designed it because I was bored.

Yep lotta Pornhub references in this one. Sorry I couldn't work in your per chapter mention. Next chapter I plan on resolving that little bet with muse you have.

[True Edge]

9888973
Ohhhh, I see. Muse is striking out on her own, then, eh? That explains the lack of inspiration I’ve had over recent months.

EDIT: I think misunderstood what you said. Ohhhh, right. Time to find out if it’s Lyra/Bon at the club.

[Jaycren]

9888975
Pride I did in fact build and sell. I think the next chapter is going to get a lot of interest. Lyra and Bonny will be there as will Derpy and The doctor plus Starlight and Trixie.

My bastard self Insert is right, I am going to have to change the rating. Damnit.

[True Edge]

9888993
And that is why I went straight in with a hard M rating. I am most definitely looking forward to it, man!