22: Ace Fluttercord

”So, um...” Rarity drummed her hooves on the tabletop. “How do you two... you know...”

Fluttershy tilted her head, an ear flopping.

With an awkward cough, Rarity levitated up a fry and an onion ring from her plate. Slowly, she slid the fry through the ring.

“Ah.” Fluttershy took a sip of her tea, eyes closed.

“Was that too personal?" Rarity flushed. "We’re so open about so many things--”

“We don’t.”

Rarity paused, frowning. “Excusez-moi?”

“My husband is an ageless chaos entity,” said Fluttershy. “He doesn’t really have physical needs.”

“Goodness.” Rarity nommed the still-floating fry. “Well, what about you? Any, er... frustration?”

“Not really. That stuff's never been important to me.” Fluttershy shrugged. “Besides, there’s more than one way to experience physical intimacy.”

Rarity raised an eyebrow. “Such as?”

“Oh, Rarity. Don't you know?” With a wink, Fluttershy said, “A lady doesn’t kiss and tell.”

Author's Note:

Threw this together for Glorganglerry’s Flushed Friction Competition, an annual bloodsport to see who can die the quickest. The theme was “Pride.”

If I win, I get to choose the next theme, which I have already decided will be “cometh before the fall,” because I’m a witty fucker. I also have to eat a bucket of worms.

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DannyJ

DannyJ #1 · Jun 4th, 2022 · 1 · ·

DannyJ – 07/08/2018
Since you have apparently not yet edited my chapter, you must instead listen to me describe the dream I just woke up from.
So, I was Walter White.
And I was dealing with Gustavo Fring.
For some reason, rather than selling blue meth to him or working in his laundromat, I was helping him with a convoluted scheme involving scamming his hated enemy out of his house.
For some reason, this involved loaning him my laptop. But it was real me's laptop.
Mister Fring was quite disturbed by the front page of FimFiction.
But also very put out when I took my laptop back, because he hated using his own computer for some reason.
I think he was worried about government spies.
Anyway, so we got on a truck, drove to this house, and Fring basically took all the guy's stuff and kicked him out.
Said guy not being the cartel leader, but some sort of Irish mob boss.
Who was also really fucking old.
Apparently Fring is also really fucking old, because he says he intends to keep doing exactly this thing every one hundred years.
So I guess they're both vampires now or something.
Anyway, despite us having just taken over Irish mob boss guy's house, I am sent to a second, separate house that we scammed off this guy.
Irish mob boss threatens revenge on me, and sends me in the company of a priest who manages the estate.
Said priest angrily rants to me all the way there about how the Bible can be creatively interpreted to justify murdering the shit out of me.
Long story short, we arrive at the house and the priest leaves, and it turns out to be inhabited by a bunch of teenagers. I think Irish mob guy was running some sort of reality show out of here?
But for his revenge on me, he also sent in a dwarf with a bunch of makeup, tattoos, fucked up body modifications and such. Who also dressed like a cross between a clown and a metalhead.
Metalhead dwarf was supposed to... haunt me, or something. He seems kinda like a slasher villain, and even has dramatic speeches prepared.
I defeat the dwarf by befriending him.
(I am not sure if I am still meant to be Walter White by this point).
Then we hear a noise from the kitchen.
Turns out the ghost living in the ceiling lights is having problems.
Yeah, there's a real ghost, and everyone's just sorta cool with him.
He communicates through light flickering that, what else, the lights are damaged, so we help him out by Googling a solution.
While waiting for that, the reality TV show teenagers return.
Only they're not all teenagers.
One of them is an actor who played a character in Arrested Development.
He or she challenges me to name their character.
I completely fail to do so. Partially because their appearance and gender seems to change midway through my guess.
The dream ends with me waking up embarrassed that I can't remember the character's name.
Then I remember that the show doesn't have any characters who look remotely like that guy/girl.
I think my brain made them up. I was quite annoyed by this.
And that's it. I'm done.
Edit my fucking chapter, or you'll get this every day.
Posh – 07/08/2018
Can we write that into the story
also resend me the link. I've misplaced it.
DannyJ – 08/07/2018
We can, but only if you're a good boy.
[LINK]
Edit my fucking chapter, you fuckman.