Chapter 1
Sunset Shimmer barrelled through the school hall, ignoring the looks she was getting from everypo—everyone she passed by. Thankfully, most of them had learnt at this point not to question or confront her about anything she did, even if it involved sprinting into the old wing of Canterlot High as if she had a manticore hot on her tail. They only needed to know where she was going so that they could be somewhere else.
So much for my vacation…
Upon finding the decommissioned classroom described in Twilight’s message, she skidded to a halt in front of its door and rapped her knuckles against it.
The door creaked open, and Sunset sidled in. “All right, I got your message and came back as quickly as I could. What’s the prob—oh.”
Rainbow Dash lay flat on her back on the teacher’s desk, surrounded by the rest of her friends, all of whom looked like they’d just taken a quick shower—with their clothes on.
Rainbow in particular had angry, red welts on her skin, frizzled hair, and scorch marks on her clothes despite dripping water all over the place. Her jaw hung loose, and her eyes were closed. Sunset first thought that she’d had simply passed out, but then she noticed that Rainbow’s chest didn’t rise or fall with breath, and a faint scent of burnt bacon hung in the air that made her stomach growl and churn at the same time.
“Oh, horse apples!”
She rushed forward, nearly bowling over Fluttershy and Rarity in the process and pressed her index and middle finger to Rainbow Dash’s neck.
No pulse.
“It’s too late, sugarcube,” said Applejack. “We’ve already tried CPR for the last half hour.”
“What the hay happened?” Sunset all but screeched.
Rarity waved her hands frantically at her and hissed, “Keep it down! Are you trying to announce it to the whole school?”
“It was an accident,” Fluttershy murmured.
Sunset opened her mouth, then closed it and clenched her fists at her sides as she squeezed her eyes shut and inhaled deeply. She then let her breath whoosh out and repeated the exercise a couple more times before she reopened her eyes, folded her arms and glowered at her friends. “All right, who’d like to explain this to me?”
“Well, we had a little accident in the chemistry lab,” said Rarity.
“And oh boy was it one doozy of an accident! At first everyone was all shushed and busy doing what Miss Thunderstruck says, and then suddenly Flash Sentry went all “Aaah!” and started yelling at everyone to take cover. Then...” Pinkie cupped her hands together and swiftly parted them, splaying out her fingers. “Fwoosh! His beaker decided it wanted to be called Flash, too, and after all the sparkly lights had cleared out of my eyes, there was fire and everything on the table and—”
Rarity slapped a hand over Pinkie’s mouth and chuckled nervously. “What our dear Pinkie’s trying to say, is that Flash’s experiment had… unforeseen consequences.”
“It’s not really unforeseen, though.” Twilight adjusted her glasses and grimaced as she shook her head. “Flash messed up big time. Everyone really should know what happens when you mix magnesium with—”
“The point, is that there was no malice involved.” Rarity huffed. “There was a minor explosion, which led to a fire, which led to the sprinklers turning on and everyone evacuating the lab.”
“Uh huh, okay. That explains why everyone’s soaked.” Sunset unfolded her arms and gestured at Rainbow’s body. “But these look like electrical burns, and last I checked, fire sprinklers aren’t designed to shoot out lightning with their water.”
“Of course not! We all got out of the lab unharmed, if a little damp.”
Sunset raised an eyebrow. “And then?”
“Getting there, darling,” Rarity huffed. “There was a little complication, though. When the fire alarm and sprinklers went off, we were all caught so off-guard that we left all of our belongings in the lab when we evacuated.”
“Our phones, too. Can’t believe we totally forgot to grab them on our way out!” Pinkie chimed in.
“We were using them to jot down notes and look up references for the experiment,” Twilight cut in before Sunset could interject. “It seemed like a good idea at the time…”
“Anyway, were were all on our way to the assembly point when Rainbow Dash realised we’d left our phones behind. The poor dear doubled back, said something about doing everyone a huge favour, and it was all we could do to keep up with her.”
“Things still looked fine when we got back there, aside from all the sprinklers going on like it’s monsoon season. Must’ve shorted out something in the lab, and I’d bet’cha it was that faulty power outlet in the left corner. Always did sound a mite crackly whenever we plugged something in there,” said Applejack as she rubbed her chin thoughtfully. “Anyways, we did warn her not to go stickin’ her nose into a beehive, but…”
“Oh, for the love of—you can’t be serious!” Sunset winced and facepalmed. “You’re not telling me she deliberately charged into a room full of potentially electrified water, right? What, did she think she could just outrun the current?”
“Sunset! Honestly, you could stand to hold a higher opinion of our poor friend,” Rarity cried, gesturing at Rainbow.
“Well, she did stop at the door and stick a finger into the water before going in.” Twilight peered at the ugly burns on Rainbow’s arms and bit her lip. “Still not the brightest idea, but it wasn’t electrified when she’d tested it, so she ran in and shoved our phones into her bag…”
“And then, zap! There was this awful kzz-kzz-kzz! sound and she looked like she was trying to do the Hokey Pokey and run at the same time. She tripped and crashed at the last second, but she just managed to toss us the bag before she, uh, checked out. She didn't make it out of the lab.”
Fluttershy hugged herself and shuddered. “It was awful…”
“I… I see.” Sunset frowned. “So why is she here and not in a morgue?”
“I tripped the circuit breakers to kill the power, and we carried her off before anyone could come and take a look. Honestly, we’d rather settle this without too many folks askin’ questions we can’t straightly answer…”
Awkward silence filled the room as Applejack’s words petered out.
Sunset slowly shifted her gaze from one friend to another, noting that Fluttershy was the only one with red, puffy eyes. The rest of them had the jitters in varying degrees, except for Twilight, whose contemplative examination of Rainbow’s anatomy suggested that she was only a couple of electrodes short of attempting to re-enact Frankenstein.
“I don’t know which is more worrying: that Rainbow Dash could just off herself out of the blue like that, or the fact that you girls seem to be handling this really, really well…”
“Your access to Equestrian magic is a major factor,” said Twilight. “I’m pretty sure there’s something on the other side of the portal capable of fixing this.”
“Least, we reckon so. Otherwise we’ll get round to startin’ up the waterworks.” Applejack then gulped and threw an uneasy look at Rainbow. “After we decide what to do with the… evidence.”
Fluttershy grasped Sunset’s hand and squeezed, tears forming in the corners of her eyes. “You can fix this, right? Please, we don’t know what we’ll do if you can’t—”
“Whoa, whoa, just—yeah, I think I can. I know some zebras with friends on the other side. We just need to get her through the portal without being seen.” Sunset gingerly patted her on the back as she wriggled her other hand free. Then, she blew a heavy sigh through her nostrils and said, “And then I’ll have to haggle with some creepy zebras, go on a quest for exotic reagents and maybe play a round of Monopony with Death. This weekend is going to be just super.”
Fluttershy sniffed. “So, you’ll bring her back the way she was?”
“Hay, no. She’s going to keep those scars. But if Death throws in some common sense with the package, I don’t think I’ll complain.” Sunset glanced at her watch. “I suppose we’re moving her after the school closes?”
Her friends nodded.
“All right, let’s do this.” Sunset clapped her hands and rubbed them together to soothe her frayed nerves. “We hide the body until we’re ready to move out. The sooner we get her to Equestria, the sooner I can start forgetting that Rainbow got herself killed for nothing.”
“Technically, it wasn’t all for nothing,” said Twilight.
Sunset raised an eyebrow. “What’re you talking about?”
Twilight fished her smartphone out of her pocket and waved it at her.
“It’s a phone,” Sunset deadpanned. “People replace them all the time. Sometimes more than once in the same year!”
“The communication device itself? Sure.” Twilight took off the cover and tapped a finger on the access panel at the back. She then pried it open to reveal the little chip inside. “But we usually transfer the subscriber identification module because it’s effectively our personalised number and has a lot of our stuff in it—authentication keys and research notes, in my case. If Rainbow hadn’t dashed back in and taken our phones out of sprinkler range, they probably would’ve been fried beyond recovery once the water hit the power outlet. That data is irreplaceable.”
Sunset tilted her head. “So, what you’re saying is…”
Twilight smiled. “She just died for our SIMs.”
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God damn you.
Of all the people to join this lunacy... YOU as well? You had me right till that last line!
God. Damn. It.
~Skeeter The Lurker
Oh sweet Luna YES that was brilliant!
I had no idea it was a feghoot until the end.
Why is it that Rainbow Dash is always the first to die and always in the stupidest ways possible.
9705513
I didn't meme to at first, but then I saw everypony having so much pun!
9705519
It's been kind of her thing since... well, forever. We still love her anyway.
Almost as much as Twilight offing herself for science.
That pun was Suri-ously bad.
I love it.
Oh, for.........!
I have no words for this, other than..........
What the blue blaze hell is a "feghoot"?!
May I request a sequel? I would love to see these negotiations, zebras, and Monopoly games!
Personally I want to see Princess Twilight’s reaction.
Sunset: “Mmm! Twilight, this is some good hay! I always love the hay here - “
Twilight: “What are you doing?”
Sunset: “I’m just complimenting this fine hay you’ve provided - “
Twilight: “Don’t do that. I know I have good hay. When I send Spike out to get hay he always get the cheap crap they have down at the Hay Bale. So I go out and I buy the good stuff, the gourmet hay from Rushia. So don’t tell me I’ve got good hay, I know I have bucking good hay. What I don’t know is why I have a dead featherbrain in my library.”
Sunset: “Well, see - “
Twilight: “No. Buck you. When you came through that bucking portal, did you see a sign that said “dead featherbrain storage” on it?”
Sunset: “Filly, you know there isn’t any sign - “
Twilight: “Did you or did you not see a bucking sign that says “dead featherbrain storage” in my library?”
Sunset: “No. I did not see a sign that says “dead featherbrain storage”.”
Twilight: “Do you know why?”
Sunset: “Why.”
Twilight: “Because there is no sign that says “dead featherbrain storage” in my library! So do you wanna tell me why I’ve got a dead featherbrain decomposing in my library?!”
Everyone remembers the Christopher Walken Watch scene, but personally the Dead N***** Storage scene is my favorite in Pulp Fiction
9705709
... the dude is just lonely.
awe
*twitch*
Well played you fiend, well played.
Kinda want the resurrection quest now...
9705586
Feghoot
Wow....
I don't care so much what happened to RD, I'm more curious on how Sunset is so knowledgeable and nonchalant of how to bring her back.
It's like she's done it before...?
Data's all, folks.
9705774
she will forever be in our memory
I was on the verge of tears and just couldn't believe Rainbow would be so foolish...
Right up to the punch line.
Dang you!
You got me!
Damn that was funny!
So Rainbow died because no one used clouds. Irony.
9705761 Okay, thanks.
Edit: Ah, now I see.
Please, explain the pun, if it is. Looks, my English is not that good.
9705817
The phrase which is being punned on is "Died for our sins", attributed to the religious figure Paul the Apostle in the Christian Bible (reference: 1 Corinthians 15:3), writing about Jesus Christ.
9705773
Trust me, you don’t want to know.
... I hate you so much right now.
9705744
Okay, I'm following you for that.
9705878
Yup, that's exactly how Rainbooms' life now is.
Well done.
derpicdn.net/img/2017/9/4/1527869/medium.jpeg
What
9705513
9705514
SAME
SURPRISE FEGHOOTS
That opening feels strange. "Everyone's trained to get out my way" seems like a very pre-reformation sentiment for Sunset.
"All I'm saying is that we could just close the circuit and throw her back in the lab."
"So you know zebras on the other side of the portal with friends, or you know zebras with friends on the other side?"
"Yes."
This is the proper way to enter this contest. Well done. Best of luck in the judging.
9705744
On the one hand, I want to put this in Never the Final Word, Vol. 2. On the other hand, I kind of beat you to the punch.
9705744
I don't know who you are, but you are one of my favorite people now. Props to you mate.
9706093
I should get around to reading, like, everything in that story. And every story it references.
That's bad and wrong and evil and it's great!
"Darling, who is that and why does she look like Dash?"
"More importantly, why does she have pushbuttons? That ain't normal."
"Well, since the other Rainbow Dash is busy in Equestria, I built a robot to fill in until Sunset revives the original!"
"Ooh! Is this the on button?"
"Pinkie, wait, I haven't quite finished..."
"CRUSH! KILL! DESTROY! SWAG!"
"And there it goes, out through the wall. Goldurn it Twi, we talked about this last time!"
*quack sound effect in the background* all of that for a bad pun, not sure if I should be mad or impressed
Oof.
Booooooo-urns. I love it.
God dammit
In all seriousness, cute story.
9705774
RAM it another pun lol
that pun felt like a kick in the nuts
9706406
Just think; if Dash hadn't moved the phones with the RAM chips, we might have gotten the worst pun in... leaving memory.
Raugos, of course it was Raugos, it takes a special kind of wickedness for a pun like that.
Absolutely brilliant, from everyone's blase attitude to the pun.
I am so tired. 10/10
9706709
Which would have made people ROM away in terror lol
All of that build up just for that line...
I don't know if I should congratulate you or swear never ending vengeance upon you and all you hold dear...
Either way, good luck in the contest.
9706927
Donde No Los Dos?