• Member Since 23rd Aug, 2015
  • offline last seen 9 hours ago

KorenCZ11


Average brony obsessing over the main cast with an unhealthy desire to see them in a dark fantasy setting.

T

Applejack wakes up hungover in the barn with no recollection of last night. The dining room table was destroyed, and she aims to find out how it happened.

Written for SuperTrampoline's Feghoot contest

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 13 )

Bit of a slog, but the pun was rather nice.

~Skeeter The Lurker

9704665
:applejackunsure: Too long, huh?

9704687

Kinda? More along the lines of clunky.

I found myself skimming a good bit.

~Skeeter The Lurker

9704754
Well, that is disappointing.

On the other hand, I had zero interest in the final pun but loved the shenanigans along the way.

9704988
Ya know, that's what the editor said. Interesting.

As the author of the longest entry of the contest (so far), I award you one L O N G G U R L.i.ibb.co/k3vnQSy/A23-C2578-28-F7-4-AAA-84-E8-A558299-E9167.jpg

Quick tip: "New speaker, new paragraph" doesn't mean "Make a new paragraph at the opening quotation marks." You want to keep a single speaker's dialogue and attribution together, otherwise...

“How did this happen to me? Why you? Of all the stallions in the world, why did it have to be you?” Soarin looked ta us fer help, but Ah couldn’t even bring myself ta look at him.

Taken out of context, it seems like Soarin is the one asking this question.

And yeah, this one clunked along to a thoroughly telegraphed punchline. The first-person AJ phonetic accent and aformentioned attribution issues didn't make it any easier to read. That said, you write a fine Discord, and I do appreciate how Fluttershy played along with the climax. Best of luck in the judging.

9708973
>Quick tip:
They ususally are together, I just don't like opening quotes in the middle of paragraphs. I equally dislike having tags just sitting on their own for no reason other than to use up space, so this is just my happy medium. I did separate that particular line, but in context, I don't see anything wrong with it.

>The first-person AJ phonetic accent
She's the one telling the story, so it'd be kinda weird if she didn't think the way she speaks, ya know?

>you write a fine Discord
This is the first time I've ever used the guy in a story, so I appreciate that. Thanks, and good luck to you too.

But she couldn't be to upset as her foal was born just a day later and thus Discord's grand scheme to generate even more chaos in the world had come to fruition, the second incarnation of the Cutie Mark Crusaders was born. The fact that Sugar Belle had also been pregnant at the time of Mac's infidelity only added to the chaos. She'd have murdered him but Discord popped out of existence and informed her how hard it was to raise a foal let alone 3 with one being the spawn of Pinkie Pie. Mac had tried to commit suicide 79 times since them, everytime Discord intervened.

PresentPerfect
Author Interviewer

9709306
I mean, the dialogue tagging is your prerogative and all, but it makes this a considerable chore to read. I was constantly confused about what was going on, and it's all because you broke writing conventions in a way that does not lend to readability.

9735923
:applejackunsure: I can't really account for how other people read things, so I write the way I like to read things. I'd imagine you'd do the same. How it's written doesn't change the content of the story, so I can't see it as an issue. Whether I do things right or wrong is subjective, so more power to ya.

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