Chapter One; Canterlot Meetings
Guilty Pleasures
Chapter One; Canterlot Meetings
Rainbow Dash’s hooves clicked quietly along the pavement. The sound filled her ears, echoed through her empty head. Empty by design. The streets of Canterlot were as busy as they always were, even with the moon and the stars hanging in the sky. Streetlights cast their steady glow across the ponies roaming the city, and Rainbow kept her head down, obscuring her face in shadow. Not that it would help any; her mane was her single most identifying trait save for her cutie mark, and that was on full display as well.
It was silly to hope she wouldn’t be recognized. The nobles of this city knew all of the Element bearers. They’d been showered in medals and awards more than enough times, even before one of them became a Princess. Since then it had only grown worse. To make it through Canterlot unnoticed was nothing short of a foolish wish. But it wouldn’t be so bad to be seen, right? She had just as much right to be here as anypony else.
Why did she feel like she shouldn’t be?
Rainbow scoffed. She knew exactly why she shouldn’t be here. Knew she was right, too; the fact that she was here was a problem. A problem she didn’t even know how to begin fixing. Didn’t know if she could fix. How could she? After everything she’d done - everything they’d done…
Stop.
Her mind was blank again. Just the way she liked it. No confusing thoughts. No little voice telling her how utterly wrong this all was. Does she have that voice, too? She must. How does she ignore it?
Stop!
Empty. That was what she needed.
Hooves on pavement. Focus. Clicking and clacking filling her ears. Pushing out the thoughts she didn’t want to be thinking. Thoughts like how much faster it would have been to fly to the castle. Proof she didn’t want to go. Proof she knew better. Walking was slower. Walking would delay it. Stretch out the inevitable long enough, and maybe - just maybe - it wouldn’t happen at all.
Then why was she still walking? The castle was getting closer. Inside the scene would play out as it always did. End the same way it always did. The world would go on spinning, and the past would repeat itself again and again. Rainbow felt her stomach spinning, twisting and turning as a wave of nausea passed over her.
Stop!
Click-clack… click-clack… click-clack.
Thoughtless again. She swallowed. Looked up. Saw the castle looming at the end of the street. Her gate slowed further, but she knew better. No matter how slow she walked, she’d make it there eventually. Unless she stopped. Turned around and walked away. Like she should. Like she knew she should.
She never did.
Wings shifting uncomfortably, Rainbow glanced back at her saddlebags. In one was her Wonderbolts uniform, crumpled and tossed inside, reeking of sweat. Evidence of a hard day’s work doing what she loved. Well, hard months of work more like it. Between designing the routine and practicing it, honing the movements down to perfection. Years of work in the grand scheme of things. How long had it taken to train herself to the state she was in now? Her entire life had been dedicated to making the cut.
In her other bag was a small white envelope. The wax seal was broken and its content forever burned into her mind from how many times she’d received that letter. Or one similar, at the very least. It was always the same. Perfectly elegant, tight-knit writing. A compliment on her most recent show. A request. Small and innocuous, but with so much more behind the words. An address if it wasn’t Canterlot; usually the best hotel money could by, accompanied by a room number. A signature at the bottom.
Always, always, a lipstick kiss mark to cap it all off.
That was always what caught Rainbow’s eyes more than anything. What, did she think it was cute? Twilight didn’t even wear lipstick!
She shuddered, shaking her head. How had this happened? It used to be so easy; they were friends. Nothing more. Never should have been anything more than that. Rainbow had always been happy being single; a relationship would only ever slow her down. And Twilight…
Twilight was supposed to be happy, too.
With Rarity.
Rainbow clenched her eyes shut tight. Tried again not to think about it. Focused on anything else but the thoughts swirling around her mind. Becoming louder and louder and harder and harder to drown out. Ever since that night. That one night.
It was only ever supposed to be that one night. That one moment when everything came to a head and mistakes that should have never been made were made. Promises were forged to keep it a secret, to never mention it again and to regret it for as long as they both lived.
They should have Pinkie Promised.
Then Rainbow had a show in Manehatten, and Twilight was there on an errand for the Princess. After the show, in her locker, there had been a small white envelope with a wax seal and tight knit writing. I miss you, it had said, and there was an address. That was before the kiss mark had started appearing. How could she have known what that one letter would lead to? It was just Twilight, after all; her friend. Away from the rest of their friends in a big city she wasn’t familiar with. How could she have turned down an offer to meet up?
She desperately wished she had.
It should have stopped that first night.
Rainbow looked up, nodding to the guard. He opened the gate, and she was on castle grounds. The staff knew her well. Knew better than to question her business. After all, her friend was here, and what kind of mare would she be if she didn’t stop by and see her friend when they were in the same city?
What kind of Element of Loyalty would she be if she left her friend hanging?
The thought struck her, like it always did. Knocked the breath from her longs with a punch to the gut. That was all it was supposed to be; just helping a friend. A friend who was lonely because her marefriend had been spending all her time out of town on business. Opening new shops around Equestria, sending only two or three letters back home in two months of travel. How could Twilight not have been lonely? How could Twilight not have felt neglected? Forgotten?
How could Rainbow Dash deny her best friend a hug when she was in tears at the letter she’d just received, stating that Rarity’s trip would be extended another three weeks? She couldn’t.
She never could.
That was it, though; just a hug. To comfort her friend. Assure her it was going to be okay. And that’s all it was for a while. Just that one hug. But the days marched on. Twilight locked herself in her library, studying and reading and doing anything to distract herself. Even Rainbow knew that’s all it was. Distracting herself from the pain she felt. As much as she hated to admit it, Rainbow started to resent Rarity. How could she not see how much she was hurting the mare she was supposed to love?
That anger had made it so much easier to say yes when Twilight had asked her to stay the night. Just so she wouldn’t be so alone. After all, she wasn’t about to leave her friend hanging.
Polished marble floors produced clicking louder than pavement. The sound echoed through the halls and reminded Rainbow Dash of how much more had happened since that night all those months ago.
Now it was Twilight spending time away from Ponyville. Always in a city the Wonderbolts had a show.
Heh. Funny, that.
Rainbow felt like throwing up as she rounded a corner. At the end of the hall was a door. She knew what was beyond it. Knew what she’d do if she crossed that final barrier. At first she’d tried to lie to herself. Always told herself that the last time would be the last time. That the next time she got that letter, she’d ignore it. Then she’d say oh, she was going that way anyway. She was just going to walk past and keep going. Then it was that she wanted to let Twilight know it wasn’t happening again.
Then it happened again.
She’d given up the ruse a long time ago. No point lying when it was so painfully clear to her she wanted this, too. It disgusted her. Made her physically ill. She wanted to find that part of her and cut it out herself. But there was no denying that, at some point, it had become more than just Twilight wanting this. Some sick, twisted part of her was happy that she could make her friend feel better. Hated Rarity for making Twilight feel this way. She was miserable with Rarity, left alone for weeks or months at a time, and Rainbow had swooped in and made her feel wanted again. It was only natural she’d want to keep feeling like that. Rainbow had been willing to provide that to her friend. What kind of Element of Loyalty would she be if she did nothing when she knew how much Twilight was suffering?
A better one. One that deserved the title. One that didn’t glare at herself in the mirror every morning, disgusted with what she’d become. A mockery of everything she once stood for, and yet exactly what she’d always been. Loyal to a friend who needed her.
Even if that need had long since become a want.
She was in front of the door. It was silly to consider backing out now, but still she glanced over her shoulder. Told herself to just turn around. Walk away. Fly as fast as she could. As far away as she could get. It wasn’t too late.
Who was she kidding? It had been too late for months. Ever since that first night.
The guard next to the door cleared his throat. Rainbow jolted and panicked, feeling his eyes on her. She gave him a nervous smile and reached a shaky hoof up to knock on the door. A moment of silence passed. Then two. Three…
“Who’s there?”
Rainbow felt a smile come to her face and bile rise in her throat at the voice. “I-it’s me…” she chose not to acknowledge the tremor in her words.
“Ah.” Twilight’s tone became lower. Huskier. “Come in.”
Again she became aware of the guards watching her. They had to have noticed that change in tone. Had to have known something was up. Rainbow was the only one who ever visited Twilight here in the castle. At least, the only one who did so alone. Wasn’t that another reason she was here, though? Because Rarity wouldn’t?
She gagged at her own thoughts. How could she try to justify this to herself? There was no getting around the fact that this was wrong. One of the worst things she could have done. Loyalty was supposed to be her strong suit, but she had hung that up the moment this all started.
Or maybe because she was loyal she couldn’t turn her back on Twilight.
The guard coughed. She blushed and opened the door, stepping in and hurriedly closing it behind her. Inside was dark. Pitch black, save for a sliver of light coming from a door against the wall. She knew that door lead to Twilight’s bedroom. Thoughts of leaving filtered through her mind, but her hooves carrier her forward blindly. She didn’t have a problem navigating the room in the dark. The fact that she'd done so multiple times weighed her legs down, but still she reached her destination.
Beyond the door was a room befitting the title of royal bedroom. Beautiful and elegant and several other words Rarity was fond of using. Tonight it was lit only by candles, scattered around the shelves and bookcases, because it was Twilight’s room, after all. A book was open on the reading desk, no doubt forgotten when she’d arrived. Plush carpet warmed her hooves, a deep blue that was near purple and painfully soft, making it all the easier to just stand there instead of entering further.
In the center of it all, though, was a bed large enough to house every alicorn in Equestria, plus a few extra ponies, with posts holding up a canopy on every corner. The light pink curtains were pulled aside revealing rich purple blankets made of the finest silk covering a bed that could rival actual clouds for softness. Rainbow knew that better than most; she was more familiar with that bed than she could stomach.
Atop it lay the mare that had started it all. Or the mare suffering the most. She didn’t really know. They didn’t talk about that side of things. Twilight’s regalia that she had attended the Wonderbolts show with had been discarded, replaced instead by black and purple striped socks that covered her entire leg and a matching, lacy negligee that hid nothing. Least of all the black, frilly panties underneath that covered even less.
Rainbow swallowed thickly. She wondered for a moment if the outfit was one of Rarity’s. Wondered if Twilight had ever worn it for Rarity.
Felt like throwing up again and shoved the thought to the deepest recesses of her mind.
The spark of jealousy that came with it was buried even deeper.
“Hey there,” Twilight purred, a predatory smile on her lips and a mischievous gleam in her eyes.
Suddenly Rainbow’s mouth was dry. There were so many things she wanted to say. Words like ‘this has to stop’ or ‘we can’t’ danced across her tongue. What came out instead was a low, “Hey yourself,” because she was a weak, pathetic excuse for an Element of Loyalty, and despite how wrong this situation was a part of her that grew larger every time loved it. Loved her. No matter how awful that was.
Why did she have to feel so guilty about this? It wasn’t her fault. Wasn’t her fault Rarity neglected her marefriend. Wasn’t her fault Twilight needed somepony to be there for her. All she’d done - all she’d ever done - was be there for her friend. What was wrong with enjoying it a little? Or a lot, as it often ended up.
Twilight’s grin grew. “You gonna stand there, or are you gonna join me?”
“I-...” What was she going to do? She didn’t know. But she did. She always did the same thing. It always played out the same when she decided to stick that letter in her bag instead of the trashcan where it belonged.
Screw it. Enough feeling guilty. Enough denying what she wanted. It was wrong, and she knew that, but she was so tired of regretting it every minute of every day. Why couldn’t she just be happy? Happy she felt wanted, could make her friend feel the same. What was so wrong about that?
Nothing.
Rainbow smiled and pushed every other thought to the back of her mind. Buried them deeper than ever before. Let herself enjoy it, because she did enjoy it. Because she did want it. A part of her needed it, now. Suddenly it became clear to her. Why, no matter how wrong she knew it was, no matter how awful she knew she was, she always came back. Never said no. Never said enough was enough.
Because she needed this. Just as much as Twilight did.
In a flash of feathers Rainbow dove forward, crossing the room in a single leap and landing atop the bed. Atop her friend. More than a friend. A friend that was more than a friend, but could never be more than just a friend. Twilight looked up at her with wide eyes, but a smile nonetheless.
“You’re enthusiastic today.”
“Yeah,” Rainbow said with a chuckle. She leaned down and their lips met in a horrible, terrible, wonderful way.The kiss depened, their tongues became entwined, and Rainbow felt Twilight’s hooves wrap around her neck and pull her close. It felt good. It felt right. In that moment, nothing else mattered.
Their air ran out and they separated, panting lightly. Rainbow stared into Twilight’s wide, loving, lavender eyes, and for the first time since this mistake had started what she wanted became clear. “I love you,” she whispered, and she felt Twilight tense. Was that a mistake? She should have kept her damn mouth shut. It wasn’t supposed to be like that - it was just supposed to be helping a friend who was lonely. They weren’t supposed to be-
“I… I think I love you too, Dashie,” Twilight whispered, her muscles relaxing again. As though somepony had taken a burden from her shoulders. Or finally the burden had become too much, and she simply gave up holding it.
Rainbow smiled, despite the tears she saw in Twilight’s eyes. Despite the wetness she felt on her own cheeks. “We can’t,” she said, looking away.
Twilight’s hoof forced their eyes to meet again. “I know. But… I can’t stop. Not now. Not anymore.”
“We can’t,” Rainbow said again, but didn’t stop Twilight from pulling her into another kiss. One with far more weight than any before it. It was shorter, and the desperation of the previous one was nowhere to be found.
When they pulled apart, Rainbow wasn’t smiling. “I… you gotta do something, Twi. I can’t… I can’t do this anymore. It’s wrong.”
“Do you think I don’t know that!?” Twilight shouted, and Rainbow stepped back, eyes wide. “I… I’m sorry. I… I know. I know, I just… it’s so hard. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to fix this.” She fidgeted with a string from her gown, staring at her own hooves. “I don’t think I can fix it.”
Rainbow sighed and nodded, laying down next to her more-than-a-friend and staring at the side of her head. “We gotta figure out somethin’.”
“Yeah…” Twilight trailed off, eyes following along the curve of her sock-covered leg. A smile smile spread across her lips. “Tomorrow, though. It can wait for tomorrow, right?” Rainbow sighed, chewing her lip.
“Twi-”
“For tonight, are you going to help me out of this?”
Despite the nagging at the back of her mind, Rainbow nodded. “Sit up.”
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Honestly, I don't think it's supposed to end here in this state of the story. I would like to see how the story would finish, even though I know that these situations never end well. Anyways, I liked it. Keep up with the good work.
Saucy...
I wouldn't mind a sequel, honestly. I'd love to see how it all comes crashing down horribly.
You did very well conveying Rainbow's emotions, so Kudos to You
I know that this has to blow up on them but I really want to see the conclusion. Rarity is the one that has been betrayed but her own neglect lead to it. That won't make the hurt or anger any less. It doesn't change that what they are doing is wrong. And it doesn't really bode well for a relationship to start out of this. That's not to say it can't but they would have a lot of baggage to work through. I would definitely be interested to see how you resolve this.
*Comes out from under rock*
"Eyy no prob ya hoser."
*Crawls back under rock*
9704684
Pls don't dwell too long though
Also i HATE writers block, anyway to find a tsundere mangas?
I have to agree with everyone here. Even if it is undoubtedly going to end badly for my favourite characters, I want to see the sequel.
I’m surprised she doesn’t just cut it off with Rarity. Then again sociopathy makes it difficult to really appreciate nuances of these sorts of situations.
I think it was a beautiful study in selfdoubt and twisted emotions. I don't think you should write a sequel, though. We all know what will happen, leave that to our imagination.
I noticed no example of Rainbow's voice in the narration, but this makes sense. Her voice lends itself more to humor, that is where it shines, than to angst—and this story shows no trace of the former, outside of fleeting moments like the guard thoroughly unimpressed at Rainbow getting cold feet or the way Twilight's lingerie is described to 'hide nothing' and 'cover even less' when ponies gad about across Equestria in the buff most of the time in the first place.
But devoid of Rainbow's voice as it may be, I still found the narration to suit her perfectly. Lines like "echoed through her empty head. Empty by design" and "her mind was blank again. Just the way she liked it. No confusing thoughts" are so very, very in character from where I'm standing. Regardless of whether Rainbow has something to be melancholic about or not.
I loved the references to her status as the Element of Loyalty in Rainbow's brooding, using it alternatively as justification that she did nothing wrong or as a hammer to drive her own guilt deeper into her conscience.
Looking at your author's note though, I feel you may delve into what I consider a mistake often repeated in this fandom. To me, putting this kind of emphasis on the Elements the protagonists represent amounts to thinking 'she's loyal because she's the Element of Loyalty' when the reality is 'she's the Element of Loyalty because she's loyal.'
For the second time, I find myself very interested in seeing Rarity's side of the story. Doubly so here, because it is loyalty that is put in question in this story, and Rainbow doesn't have a monopoly on conflicted loyalties.
A mare cannot serve two masters, after all, and the Rarity of this story seems to have chosen to serve her passion for making the entire world beautiful rather than her passion for Twilight.
...assuming she ever had the latter passion, that is.
Because even with the few letters she's mentioned to have written to Twilight, I'm not sure Rarity even knows Twilight considers themselves girlfriends. Seeing as she's described to want to "feel wanted again" in the story, I wouldn't be surprised if Twilight misread Rarity's characteristic affection, misunderstood a few of her encouraging words, and got it into her head that they'd become lovers without Rarity realizing a thing or ever intending it.
Finally, I noticed two mistakes—mistakes a spellchecker wouldn't have solved because the wrongly-used words are real ones;
gait
lungs
9706818
*gasp* I'm going to disagree with you! Ready!?
I hate when authors use the Elements as character traits. The amount of times I've seen a character bring up their Element as a justification for something in a conversation or whatever kills me. In the story itself I used the Element only as Rainbow Dash berating herself or justifying herself, using it to try and hold herself to a higher standard. That is what I believe the significance of the Elements should be used for. Not to justify a character trait, but to conflict with other character traits or, in this case, itself. Mentioning it in the A/N in place of her name was just a thing I did for no real reason.
As for having Rarity be unaware of the relationship, if I were to aim for a comedy that is 100% the angle I'd go for. And in the sequel I'm not going for a comedic angle. I'm going full angst over here. Well, drama at the very least. I find it interesting to explore this situation.
Aside from that, I appreciate your kind words on this story, as always.
9707143
Thank you for replying.
We're actually not in disagreement; as I wrote in my comment, I noticed and enjoyed your use of the Element of Loyalty in Rainbow's brooding. I just took the opportunity to give my two cents on the "Elements as character traits" thing because I find it very widespread in the fandom.
I can easily imagine angst and drama about that interpretation. All these nights of longing for the attention, the return of your beloved, all these missed moments, all this pain, all this guilt... absolutely, entirely based on a lie Twilight told herself because she was just that desperate for someone, anyone to want her.
But the utterly hilarious comedy of the situation would always be there, yes—especially when Rarity learns about them getting together and brutalizes her schedule in order to beeline straight to their current location so that she may congratulate this beautiful, wonderful couple.
But moving on from my farfetched interpretation, I remain very interested in Rarity's point of view about the whole ordeal. Mind you, I'm not telling you to turn your plans for this story upside down if that's not in the cards.