A Sisters Talk And Babysiters

EThe Principals Advise
Equestria Girls
Twilight and Sunset go to Celestia and Luna for an advise
Alt. Universe
Sunset Shimmer
Principal Celestia
Sci-Twi
Vice-Principal Luna
Twinkle_Shine · 1.1k words · 502 views

It's about how both girls missed their parents

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Comments ( 8 )

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Twinkle_Shine

Twinkle_Shine #1 · Jun 26th, 2019 · · · And babysiters ·

I hope you like it (btw it was my first fanfiction) it came into my mind for awhile and don't know how to write it

Antiquarian

Antiquarian #2 · Jun 26th, 2019 · 1 · · And babysiters ·

I think the idea of these two being sisters has a lot of merit. Their personalities complement each other and, in the show, they really do come across as sisters. Exploring that dynamic in a literal sense, especially in the wake of a tragedy as you've described, is an interesting concept.

If you'd take a little constructive criticism (and later some broad advice from one writer to another), I would suggest that the story would benefit from more fleshing out and some "Show, don't tell." The principle of "Show, don't tell" is writer's shorthand for saying that it's more impactful to show the relationship/emotion/pain/event/joy rather than simply telling us that it happened. There are times where narration or plot exposition demand telling rather than showing, but as a general rule you want to show the audience the process of the characters working through something - it helps them connect with the characters. This is generally accomplished through dialogue between characters (breaking dialogue of different characters into different paragraphs to make it clear who's talking), internal dialogue (thoughts are generally noted with italics and punctuated like verbal dialogue, though there are other methods), and actions. Sometimes a dialogue-free scene where characters are interacting (or just being alone) in silence can communicate more to the audience than dialogue.

There's no 'one best way' to write. Discovering your voice will take a lot of trial and error. I write, on average, 6-10 bad chapters for every good one, and I've had plenty of stories that died without ever seeing the light of day. You have to put up with a lot of criticism, some of which will not be pleasant to hear or respectfully stated, and you'll have to separate the useful criticism from the useless (made worse by the fact that some polite criticism will be useless and some mean criticism, while rude, will actually have a fair point). I'm not saying this to dissuade you; quite the opposite, in fact. I love writing and find it among the most rewarding of pursuits. The struggle of the creative process is actually part of what makes it ultimately so rewarding - pearls are polished by sand, after all. "As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another" and all that. I encourage you to pursue this if you find edification in it, even if it's difficult; especially if it's difficult.

One thing that I've always found helpful is to look at other stories that have a tone similar to the one I want and make notes of what I thought worked in those stories - dialogue balancing, methods of description, length, etc. Then I think about how I would convey that same tone in my own voice with my own characters. Write down notes if you find that helpful. The mental exercise, for me, helps the process along. I recommend A Sun Without a Moon by Mourning Zephyr or anything by ChaoticKindness, as they are short stories with a lot of heart and familial affection packed into a brief narrative.

I hope you find my wordy remarks useful and that you continue to find joy and fulfillment in the craft. Godspeed, and I hope to see more from you in the future!

Twinkle_Shine

Twinkle_Shine #3 · Jun 26th, 2019 · 1 · · And babysiters ·

9700627
Thanks for letting me know and next time I'll try

p61blkwidow

p61blkwidow #4 · Jun 27th, 2019 · 1 · · And babysiters ·

well done!thank you for this beautiful story. i hope that you consider doing some sequels.

twience

twience #5 · Jun 27th, 2019 · 1 · · And babysiters ·

I loved it so much. I actually NEVER thought about them as sisters before. I really like the idea that they could be related. It makes sense in some way and it’s totally adorable. I enjoyed the story.

Twinkle_Shine