• Published 24th Jun 2019
  • 1,527 Views, 43 Comments

Assisting Evil (CL Version) - CrazedLaughter



Nightmare Moon gets the help of a helpful human.

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If Nightmare Moon had an Assistant

Within the enchanted Everfree Forest, lies the ruin of an old castle once inhabited by two sisters. Now, after making her declaration, a new evil has found residence within it as her and her new assistant attempt to halt the progress of six heroes of harmonic traits

“Here’s your coffee, Your Highness, ‘midnight black’ just like you like it.” Said a thin, moderately well dressed, brown haired human male with a white shirt, blue tie, and blue pants. He passes over a cup of joe to the evil queen of the night herself, Nightmare Moon.

“Thank you, Kevin. HAHA! You even put in the little star marshmallows I like so much, most excellent.” Nightmare Moon said with a joyous cackle, using her magic to keep the cup in place as she takes a sip. “Perfect. You have done well thus far”

“No problem, that’s my job. To make sure I do anything you ask.” Kevin said with a sure smile as he confidently stood with his arms to his hips.

“Indeed. Now, have you set the traps I’ve asked you to set for those meddlesome ponies who dare try to stop me?” Nightmare Moon asked, licking her lips to pull in a marshmallow that had gotten stuck on her muzzle.

“Yeah… No. When I said I’d do anything you ask, I meant I’d do it if it didn’t SUCK SO INCREDIBLY BAD!” Kevin suddenly yelled out, waving his arms out as he did so, his brow furled in anger.

“How dare you! You make me this delicious coffee, then question my plans?! Human, you can’t possibly understand my brilliance, and therefore you will do as you were told!” Nightmare Moon’s gaze went from jovial to angered in a snap, already not taking too kindly to Kevin’s sudden shift in attitude.

“Brilliance, right, let’s do a quick check off of your brilliant plans.” Kevin said with a sarcastic chuckle as he pulled out a long scroll. “Let’s start with this one, you wanted me to go into a part of the forest with twisted trees and make them more ‘scary’. Scary, right, what is that supposed to accomplish exactly?”

“Fool, it will cause them to run out of the forest. And with them too afraid to even leave their own homes, I SHALL BE ABLE TO COVER THE ENTIRE WORLD IN ENDLESS NIGHT! BWHAHAHAHA!” Nightmare Moon nearly screamed in laughter as the thought of her plan succeeding overwhelmed her. “So again, how can that possibly fail?”

“Right… We’ll get to that whole ‘endless night’ thing later. Anyway, you want to know how it can possibly fail? How about because in a forest where literally ANYTHING can kill you, drawing on trees to make them scarier IS BEYOND USELESS! Who are we trying to beat, Snow White!? Because let me remind you, Your Highness, she ended up indirectly causing her queen's death too! Ok! boulders landing on your head is NOT the way you want to go! That is disney tier bullshit!"

“Disney? Snow White? Who even…” Nightmare Moon muttered to herself, not understanding what Kevin meant by that until it suddenly hit her that Kevin had actually punched a hole in her trap plan. “E-erm, well, I suppose the Everfree is filled with many a creature who would do actual harm towards the ponies. Aha! But that is why I had ordered you to anger the manticore with a splinter to his paw! That way, there is no way they will be able to handle themselves should they encounter such a beast.”

“Really? Because I checked out the six that decided to come to stop you and noticed one of them is capable of talking to AND SOOTHING animals. And do you know what a manticore is?” Kevin asked her

“Hmmm, an animal?” Nightmare Moon said, confused as to where Kevin was going with this.

“That’s right, an animal, an animal that the yellow pony can easily help, soothe, and get past JUST BY TALKING TO IT! DID YOU NOT EVEN BOTHER TO GET ANY INTEL ON THE SIX THAT JUST SO HAPPENED TO ENTER THE FOREST?! Really, who sets a bunch of traps in which each member of a party has a skill to easily bypass one specific to their abilities? Oh right, YOU! YOU MIGHT AS WELL THROW A RUBIK’S CUBE AT THEM AND HOPE THEY’LL BE DISTRACTED LONG ENOUGH FOR YOU TO INITIATE YOUR PLAN!” Kevin again yelled at her as he pointed towards the castle entrance “You don’t even have any defenses for the front of the castle! Do you honestly think any of these plans will actually stop them?!”

“Y-yes? But, erm… Just to ask, would the Rubik’s cube thing work?” Nightmare Moon asked, taking a quick sip of her coffee as she just stared innocently at Kevin, something clicking in her mind causing her to listen, as if jigsaw pieces were coming together.

“No! Because the purple one would just solve it in an instant! Are you paying attention?! These six might actually be able to stop you if you let them get close! How do you not understand that?!” Kevin groaned as he started to rub his head, annoyed at his boss’s ignorance.

“Ha! But they cannot get close! You see, I had taken the liberty of upsetting a sea serpent to cause a ra-” But as Nightmare Moon was explaining, Kevin suddenly cut her off.

“Yeeeaaah no! Again, the sea serpent is an ANIMAL! And even, EVEN if they couldn’t help him and ask him for help, you have to remember that they’re ponies. You do remember they’re ponies, right?!”

“Of course I do, I am a pony as well of most majestic class.” Nightmare Moon states as she stands regally, pointing to herself.

“Yeah, and aren’t ponies specifically good at moving and pulling really heavy things?” Kevin asked

“They are” Nightmare Moon answers.

“And isn’t there two PEGASUS PONIES in their group?” Kevin asked again

“Indeed, but what does that- Oh I get it now, they can just… carry them… Over the river.” Nightmare Moon reeled back a bit as she realized her folly. But then suddenly, she cackled as she came upon another realization she had forgotten. “But I have done some research on those fools, and I know the blue one wishes to join the Wonderbolts one day. Hence my plan to appear to her as a team known as the ‘Shadowbolts’. I will entice her and lure her away with false promises and lies. MWHAHAHAHAHA! And then, they will be doomed to fail.”

"Oh yeah, how could I forget the shadowbolts, the greatest flying team in Equestria. Oh, that's right, the reason I don't remember them is because you just made them up RIGHT NOW! HOW ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO TRICK THE SPORTS PEGASUS TO JOIN A TEAM THAT LITERALLY POPPED OUT OF THIN AIR, IN A FOREST, A FOREST ONLY CRAZY PONIES WOULD LIVE IN! WHAT YOU'RE DOING IS TRYING TO CONVINCE HER TO GO AWAY WITH THE EQUIVALENT OF CRAZY FOREST HOBOS! NOBODY LISTENS TO CRAZY FOREST HOBOS! NOBODY EVEN LISTENS TO REGULAR HOBOS! SO HOW DID YOU EVEN THINK THAT WOULD WORK?” Kevin was losing his cool now

“I...Erm...Ngh.” Suddenly, Nightmare Moon exploded in anger, unable to take any more criticism. “THEN HOW WOULD YOU HAVE DONE IT!”

“Glad you asked.” Kevin said, suddenly calming down as he pointed both his fingers at her. “Now, if I were you, I’d simply destroy the elements of harmony. If I somehow couldn’t, I’d have launched them into space and into the sun where NO ONE would be able to get them. Then, using my almighty magical power, I’d have attacked from the shadows and ended everyone who’d stand against me, including those of the ruling class. By doing that, I’d be the de facto leader of Equestria. Pretty simple, right? I think so, considering it doesn’t seem to take very much to actually take over this place.”

Nightmare Moon sat there and pondered, taking yet another sip of her coffee. “Hmmm, I never thought of taking more violent methods before. I wonder why? That actually sounds like a good plan, Kevin.”

“Thank you. However, seeing as I’m not you, I decided to take more extreme measures of taking care of our problem by laying my own traps in the forest.” Kevin said, as he brought a single hand to his ear.

“Your own traps? Do they involve striking fear into their very souls?” Nightmare Moon asked with a dark grin.

“Uhhhh, no. It’s more like…” Suddenly, a loud set of explosions can be heard in the distance as various pony parts start to fall about, some even coming through the holes of the castle. “The explodey and permanent end type of trap.”

“By Tartarus! You… You turned them to bits!” Nightmare Moon said with a gasp as she poked at a purple ear. “T-that’s… I’ve never seen such cruelty. I-I…” Nightmare Moon felt something unlock deep within her, a deep chasm of cruelty bursting through her very heart. “LOVE IT! MWHAHAHA! Kevin! With your abilities and my rulership, I will bring eternal night upon Equestria!” Nightmare Moon yelled out, raising her hooves and throwing her coffee cup upwards as she laughed evilly into the air.

“Yeeaaaaaahh, now we can get to that. So, about the whole eternal night thing. Let me just ask, you are aware you’d eventually freeze the entire planet, right? Without the sun, everything would eventually cool down until we all freeze to death. Just making sure you know that.” Kevin was being very calm at this point, just making sure if his boss knew the consequences of her actions.

But Nightmare Moon herself let out an evil little chuckle as she answered. “Mhmhmhm, it doesn’t in Equestria. You see, Kevin, in this universe, temperatures are not so extremely affected by such things. There will be no trouble. As you can see, the actual wellness of the world is under control when it comes to my everlasting rule. All will finally appreciate the night over the day”

“Ok, ok. Good to know. So what about the plant life? I get the Everfree is some sort of magic thing. But what about regular trees, plants, crops? Those won’t be affected by your whole eternal night thing, right?” Kevin asked, as his hand began reaching for his pocket.

“Yes!... No, those actually need the,er, sun. B-but we should still be able toOW!” But as Nightmare Moon tried to justify her failure, Kevin pulled out a rolled up newspaper and bopped her on the head with it.

“No! You won’t be doing an eternal night at all unless you want EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE, INCLUDING YOU, TO DIE! WE NEED SUNLIGHT TO GROW THE FOOD WE NEED TO EAT! I’M A HUMAN, BOSS! I WILL HUNT ALL THE PONIES DOWN FOR SUSTENANCE IF I HAVE TO, JUST TO SURVIVE!” Kevin suddenly took a deep breath, and calmed himself as he asked. “So what are we going to do?”

“I… Suppose I can continue the normal cycle. Yes, that sounds doable. Oh! But I want, no, DEMAND there be a moon festival at the end of every month to pay tribute to ME and the beautiful night I shall bring. All those who fail to pay tribute and partake in such festivities will perish! How does that sound?” Nightmare Moon asked, almost as if she was asking a father.

“Thank you…” Kevin says with a heavy sigh “We’re making progress” He whispers to himself before looking upon Nightmare Moon with a smile “That sounds great, your highness, absolutely tops. However, there’s still the whole thing about actually getting you on the throne. But don’t worry, I already had that taken care of too.”

“Oh?” Nightmare Moon said with a curious smirk “With a vast army to defeat my sister and her worthless guard so that I may too seal her for a thousand years?”

“No, more like a missile I got from Doctor Wily when I was his assistant. Since ponies don’t have any radar system, Canterlot is literally helpless when it comes to…” Suddenly, an even more powerful explosion is heard in the far distance as pieces of rubble rain from the sky, a bloody crown once worn by Celestia somehow falling into the castle and in front of Nightmare Moon’s hooves. “Oh, there you go. You’re queen of Equestria now. Great work, Your Highness!” Kevin said with a thumbs up.

Nightmare Moon, who normally would have been elated at such a conclusion, looked upon her sister’s crown in deep shock, without saying a word.

“Well, gotta go hire a team to renovate this whole place. You enjoy your new kingdom while I get everything set up for you.” Kevin said with a wave as he exited the castle.

Nightmare Moon just continued to look upon the crown, mouth agape, shocked.

*coin SFX*

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Comments ( 43 )

In a way it made me think of Anon talking shit to Nightmare Moon just like that Grogar chapter. This was funny AF

I really like this version better, good job!

Pretty funny. I suppose the sudden turn of him just telling her what to do is part of his thing?

jpony #4 · June 24th · · ·

sounds like something Kevin would do, just look what he did to Mario and sonic

This is we what I was expecting from the other version! Please do more chapters of Kevin and other villains

9696992

I would, but it doesn't seem to be as much as a success as i expected. I'll have to admit that i lost with this one as it didn't make the views i was hoping for.

I actually really like this one. It has a lot more of the aggression that Kevin has in the actual Dorkly shorts than what I put for him in my own story. I'll try and work on that when I get around to making my Discord chapter :twilightsmile:

9697169
Looking forward to it

WHAT YOU'RE DOING IS TRYING TO CONVINCE HER TO GO AWAY WITH THE EQUIVALENT OF CRAZY FOREST HOBOS! NOBODY LISTENS TO CRAZY FOREST HOBOS!

That made me laugh, I won't deny it. he whole thing's a little too bloody for my tastes, but it's funny, I won't deny it.

9696530
what grogar chapter?

CL ...... What is that?

9697398
CrazedLaughter. As in my user handle

This is by far the superior version! :))
Needlessly cruel :heart:

9697394
Anon joins Grogar's Group (Dadonequus Discord)

9697169
Or you could rewrite ending a little, so he will be like actual Kevin.
I don't mean that in the ending Nightmare Moon must win, but mainly him being scared of her and backing off isn't like him. It's not Kevin from Dorkly shorts, it's any other human assistant named Kevin

People will probably stop reading after 1 chapter, beceause they will think it's not worth reading about Kevin who isn't assertive like in Dorkly shorts, which is probably why they started reading it.

Don't worry about the views. Worry about what people are saying. And everyone is saying that this version is the better one.

9698149


We'll have to see then. I'll have to do some planning, and see how Jay handles his next chapter before I make a move. The other villains didn't make a huge series of errors like Nightmare Moon did, and Kevin worked with VG characters because they exist in a long series. NM was easy because she had a whole series of traps that could be picked apart. And Cozy Glow got deus ex'd by a tree.

It actually makes me think of Kevin from Dorkly, excellent job!

9698262
i mean. it is?

9697169
Before I say this next part I want to preface it by saying I love your work. You having Adagio work at the Canterlot Spa did inspire my ship between Bulk and her after all. However, although I have seen you write naughty and hostile, I have never seen you write nasty. The special kind welling up within a soul that just can't take the stupid anymore and has to slap a bitch to stop themselves from Omnicide.

Also, do not change the first chapter, Kevin has never worked with a villain as crazed as Nightmare Moon. Your first chapter works as the beginning of a longer story. This one works only as a one shot. Two different stories, doing different things.

My only piece of actual advice is use kevin to vent all the stuff you swallow in a day. All the times you bite back your words to prevent hurt feelings, all the times you walked away because it just wasn't worth it, pour all of it through him. Kevin is pure honesty, indifferent and cruel. Use that. I look forward to your next chapter.

I was having a really hard time thinking of a comment here. I was originally going to like appear at Zecora's door, knock it, and slid a note under door that says "There is this human named Kevin who assaulted you by call you a 'crazy forest hobo,' who is also responsible for the explosions that happened both inside and outside of the forest." (I replaced the last part) But that doesn't do justice because of... reasons I can't remember. So instead the note will be "Zecora, your ower only hope." :pinkiehappy: (I don't how that spelled) Should I put the together?

9698650
To be fair, in zecora's first ep, no one but applebloom listened to her. She was the 'Evil Enchantress' to everyone

9698913
Have you seen season 5 finale? Cause it is possible they can listen to her now.

9698920
I have seen every episode so far. Take note this story takes place on the first 2 episodes before they meet zecora

The beginning was rather rocky, but it largely made up for itself in the second half.
Particularly nice bit with the missile. A solid reference without going overboard.

Well, this Kevin's attitude hits home a lot more than the other one.

Huh. Neat

9698513
What I mean is I can actually imagine it being Kevin from Dorkly, and not some other human assistant named kevin.

An interesting idea, having two authors write a story from two different perspectives.

I think the whole Kevin series highlights some villains unwillingness (or lack of desire) to kill off the heroes. I think the Joker from The Dark Knight said it best, "I won't kill you, cause you're just too much fun."

Huh, neat.

Great work on this.

The missile at the end seems completely superfluous - by this point, Nightmare Moon has already captured Celestia. Why bother?

9734541

to make sure she can never make a comeback. It's not like Kevin hasn't personally dealt with the main enemies of his boss before. (i.e: Red Hate and Green Hat)

One of the few fanfics to make me die of laughter! Loved it!

9747481
[CrazedLaughter intensifies]

Please tell me you'll make more like this...

9779465

Probably not, if i do make one, itll have to top this

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