• Member Since 29th Dec, 2018
  • offline last seen 20 minutes ago

Fire Phoenix Goddess


"Ladies, Gentlemen, Boys, Girls, and FOLKS!!!"

E

Getting blamed on school by day, Having fun at Sugarcube Corner by night. Sunset hangs out at Sugarcube Corner to get rid of bad time at CHS.

Chapters (1)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 17 )

I'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess English isn't your first language.

9727179
Oh no, English was my first language because I born in Georgia, then Spanish. And also what in the fu....

9727186
I'm sorry I'm very very very sorry but.WTF IS THIS?!
Not only is it super fast paced but the grammar is .......

9727202 Hey, ease up a bit. The author is a first timer here. Cut a little slack, there'll always be mistakes for a first story.

9727215
Actually, this isn't my first story, I made my two stories a while back. Also NO.....

9727202
Do you hate it or not? 🤔🤔

9727222
:facehoof:.............Dude it's a nice story idea, but you messing it all up with the grammar and face pacing and turning the girls into Abusive BEEP BEEP BEEP heads. Out of Character much?!

I mean wow and giving them second chances what Susnet said. Fluttershy yes the others RE YOU KIDDING ME?! i would done everything in my power to get them arrested!

But mostly mostly, it the bad grammar and pacing....Pacing and Bad grammar, and small things...toilet paper you wrote Fluttershy wiped Sunset face with toilet paper to clean her up...you do know what Toilet paper is, and there no paper towels?

9727235
Don't worry, because the second chapter would have them in detention for rest of the school before winter break is over. And what can I fix the rest of Chapter 1?


Also, I'm tired of the element of police and arrest because it happen inside the school, not in abandon factory where Sunset's being tortured to death, neither getting stabbed, and transfer to Crystal Prep. It made pissed off that everyone's mind is 'it needs to including the police', so no, I'm not including the police because it's a big deal to have, but no. It's Sunset and Fluttershy in this one location where the danger is CHS, no where else.

9727252
Finally can access this! Been Trying for a bit.

But yes the pacing and grammar most of all. Two replace Toilet paper with paper towels. On cleaning Sunset's face, and i mean it.
It's less gross, and makes more sense.

Grammar as it look better but the pacing is important as well, it rather rushed.

9727252
Yeah you just gave me an idea to write a story with someone representing "the element of police brutality".

What are these?

_______________

9728046
It's kinda like the Anon-a-Miss book, but not..... well, I'm terrible at this.

9727179
9727828
9727235
9727215
9727202

You know it wouldn’t hurt if one of you would volunteer to be this person’s editor.

9728113
Thank you. And you're awesome.

It's a little better needs some work so a editor is needed I advise. But one thing who she calling Anon a Miss?

"YOU SLAP ME, HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO YOUR FIRST BEST 'FRIEND'!!" Fluttershy cried out loud as she lift Sunset up, "We're not friends anymore, Anon-a-Miss."


that confuses me, and two will just the Rainbooms be punished what about the student who forced Sunset to eat like a animal?
Love to see his parents reaction to that.

If no cops fine, but the parents can be brought then.

9728204
There a lot of male characters, the random boy is Dumbbell, one of Gilda's henchmen, and I'm not including her as well. I would, but I don't. And the way that Fluttershy said 'Anon-a-Miss' to Rainbow Dash is an insult because every student calls Sunset that name, I think.

9728134
You’re welcome.

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!