AlicornSpirit21
Joined 21st Feb, 2017 ·
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pretty good so far will follow
Gonna track this.
I finna follow this story is good
Before or after the Molt Effect?
Well, you said you wanted feedback, so I'll give some.
First off, this fic is cute. I had fun reading it, but it does need to keep the tense correct.
should be
It also needs to work on its paragraphing, around the middle of this chapter they became way too long.
I don't know if it's your intention, but Starlight's actions did kinda have a rapey feeling to it. But if that's supposed to be part of your fic's enjoyment, then it's fine.
Don't take any of this as me not enjoying this fic. As I said this was cute and fun to read, but I want these to be as good as they can be and that won't happen without constructive criticism.
Not bad at all. This looks very promising.
However, you should reread this. There were quite a few grammar issues.
Quick trip: writing conventions commonly suggest putting a comma before the name when characters address one another. That helps avoid misunderstandings. Take this example:
versus
Three things
1. Great story
2. Some grammar problems
3. Going to need a lot of prequels to make sense of how this has happened (please do)
Can’t wait for 2nd chapter
This is gonna be so fun to read & enjoy as Spike gonna get a kinky maid next!
It’s more of a love pentagon 😏I love being a smart Ass sometimes
Its not bad but... i dont know the simplicity of the story building just kills it for me ;/
Oh boy I can't wait for the next chapter.
9709461
Any feedback will help. I a support technique to do better. Thanks for the feedback and I hope you enjoy the fic continuing.
9710739
I see what you did there. LOL.
Major case of wall-o-text.
9720188
Define what that is. I've heard of it before but never understood the full/actual definition.
9720295
It's basically where you don't separate paragraphs, leading to a massive block of uninterrupted text.
Not to be nit-picky or anything, but if 4 women show interest in one person, wouldn't that make the situation a "Love Pentagon"? You know because if it is two women, one guy, it calls a "Love Triangle", so tree woman would be called a "Love Square" and four a "Love Pentagon" and so on and so on.
This was great.
Ember was very kinky in her role-playing & I can't wait to Sweetie get some of that Dragon love from Spike!
The situation might called for a Love Hexagon just in case.
Continue !!!!!
Not sure if this is off-topic or not, but is is wrong that part of me wants to see Starlights in cuff getting arrested??? I mean that incidence and discovery that Sunburst was 'unfaithful' to Starlight Gimmer ( though I don't think they were really in a relationship in the first place; didn't the story say that Sunburst pretended to be dating Starlight while he was banging Moondancer?? Someone could clear that up for me...) wouldn't quite be enough to lock her up, but attempted murder due to infidelity/unfaithfulness would be enough to get in the slammer for a couple of days...
I mean it seems that there are bit of a secondary story going on, and Trixie's in on it as well (She knew Sunburst was two-timing Starlight with Moondancer and she didn't tell Starlight about it)...
Hey that could be a chapter where Spike have another chapter with him and Starlight--because he has to bail Starlight out of prison or use his rare status of being a Prince (Celestia's his adoptive mother) to get his girlfriend pardoned...
Hey I know you have priorities at all but I wonder when will we see the next on chapter of the story I'm very interested in what sweetie Belle has info in store for spike . Next line by the way I am writing this comment with my voice through my iPod touch I realize I do have the voice command feature so it will look like this comment has no punctuation.
I am so happy to see this updated! Thank you and I can't wait to see the next chapter
God damn, Spike hold back with Sweetie
Too bad about a bonus chapter picking up.
9922029
If you're talking about the Starlight and Sunburst situation, I'm very much considering it.
Great too see this updated after so long.
9923721
Sorry about the wait. Work has been really busy.
The writing could do with some polishing.
For example, the whole subplot with Tender Taps, Rumble, and Button Mash going to that sleepover party. I'm guessing they're supposed to be the CMCs' ex-boyfriends, but we're only told that of Button, and even that's more implied than anything. However, going to this sleepover is apparently so horrible, Spike hands over honest-to-god blackmail material to Sweetie Belle so she can get back at them (what a great guy, by the way!). We don't know whether she used it, probably not or they wouldn't be getting along well. All in all, there's a lot of guessing involved.
There's still the issue with characters addressing one another and commas. I've explained that one before, so I refer you to my old post.
Another thing you should work on is numbers. Low numbers especially, you should spell out, like everything below one-hundred. Something like 'three' is just five letters, but it takes your readers right out of story when they see something like "The 3 met the other 2 after 4 hours." That's an exaggerated example, but only just. Thing is, not writing out these numbers can come across as lazy. It's a good idea to try to avoid that.
Woah, Sweetie was going to send the sex tape to Flurry...that's her uncle.
Ever heard of Jinx Kissing?
I am not surprised Rarity has a kinky fetish for role-playing
Now there's a life altering surprise. All he needs now is Twilight to join the club for the ultimate surprise.
Kinda random this chapter was, I don't know why
Quite the surprise at the end indeed.
I realize there were a lot of grammar issues....that's because my grammar is goodly.
Grammar is too bad to enjoy it properly, almost as if you wrote it with only one hand.
9954619
Kind of wanted to put a happy ending for everyone.
10059365
Just to let you know, my dominant hand was already broken and healing at the time, so this was written with one hand.
Sunburst has no idea that he should be running for his life