• Member Since 25th Jun, 2012
  • offline last seen Apr 12th, 2015

Unknown-Brony


Ponies.

E
Source

One fateful day, Daring arrives at her sister's house, fatally wounded, to send a message to Dinky, her niece.
From that day, Dinky is on a quest against time, to retrieve the sapphire statue, and to bury it inside Daring's tomb, hoping that it will lose its powers.
Will the young mare succeed in her first quest against her aunt's arch-enemy, Ahuitzotl?

Special thanks to Izayoi1265 for the cover, and to Spaced and Shade for editing it!


Google docs:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1OQrGKT7vCvHkxWJEPD3vBnLYEFL6nZGJVBASDg8NVZY/edit

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 7 )

No comments and this has been here for two weeks? Strange. One minor issue as of now, you have ditzy/dinky switched in the second paragraph. The pacing may or may not need tweaking, but that depends on later chapters more than this one (I read the GDocs version before posting, but this was my first impression of this version, pacing may still need tweaking depending on other factors). Are you going for a journey of emotion or action? I would love to see this continued as there is something here I can, uh, "feel" waiting to come out.

Ditzy and Derpy are the same pony right

1162928 Barring some very specific fanfictions? Yes.

1160082
Thanks.. but... I worked a lot and it feels odd to work for myself... :twilightoops:

Interesting beginning! I had some confusion where Ditzy puts her wing over dinky- the reference to a sibling there and then further down made it hard to determine who was sister to whom.

Writing is decent; I see a few phrases that could use some reworking to be more natural, but overall decent flow and pacing. The punctuation is mostly good but I see some overuse of hypens early on and some extra spaces and commas here and there.

This is a tragic start, but not a bad way to set the stage for an adventure. The participatns are decently done and don't do anything that seems out of character. Some more internal dialogue from the characters themselves might help define their emotional state and view of events, but the way the narrative is written it flows fairly well. Overall the pace of the story is okay- no rushed meetings or inexplicable friendships, and the mystery box is a good technique to set up the next chapter.

I see you have this scheduled for possible cancellation, but if you keep it going I'm curious to see where it would lead!

1517522 Unfortunately, I said before... I dont really feel like working for myself...

Hey there everyone how you doing?:pinkiehappy: Lunar here, now don't worry il set this straight. And then we can all fly away to the land of rainbows and Diamond ponies. :rainbowlaugh: Il fix it don't worry :twilightsmile:
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Lunar Justice

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