Just Another Ditzy Routine

by Genki Griffon

Um...Where's My Subconscious, Anon?

You are Ditzy Doo, a middle-aged postmare who makes a living delivering mail all across Equestria. You are the boss, oh yes you are, the MVP of your own establishment! The Ditzy Doo Postal Servi- Ditzy Doo Express- The-the- Postal...Doo-Doo.you deliver mail, that’s all you need to know. YES! And you have an illness that you never told anypony before. It’s the type of illness that makes you question if you may be schizophrenic or just borderline nuts, coco-loco in the head-o. It’s called “4th Wall Awareness” as to who was the doctor that ever thought of this term you have no idea but that’s what your friend Pinkie Pie calls it. Yeah, she has it too, she is nuts, hell yeah she is!

Now let’s clear one thing up, you’re not an idiot, it’s just because of this illness it makes you do stupid shit-I mean poo-poo. Like, think that geese fly north...or was is west? South...wait which way do geese fly in the winter? Ok nevermind, you may be a little special but it’s not your fault it’s most likely the voices in your head that are at fault and definitely not yours. You didn’t ask for this, you didn’t ask to be aware of-of freaking aliens projecting thoughts into your head! That’s right the voices in your head because of your illness you hear many voices in your head that tell you to do certain things that you wouldn’t normally do. Cause you’re a smart pony or you used to be, or maybe you still are and nopony knows it yet. However, they help guide you every second of every minute, of every hour, of every day, of every week, of every month, of every year, of every- well you get the point. What were we talking about? Oh, yea this story in your head that’s apparently being spoken directly into your head as we speak-you-as YOU speak. You don’t know why the voices in your head are saying all this stuff though. Must be one of those types who think they’re funny, kinda sounds like anonymous. We got ourselves a wise guy, hell you already know that you don’t sound like this in your head. You question where even is your subconscious. I mean honeslty, where is it……?

Let’s go back to the fact that you own your own business as a postmare working in your own post office. You have no employees cause you’re not quite there yet. You sware one day that you will be ready to take on the responsibility as the best boss in Equestria one day...or at least in Ponyville, but hey a pony can dream. Anyways, the sun is coming up, time to open shop. Oh, wait! But Dinky works with you but it’s not child labour cause she’s your daughter. That makes this a family business, bonus muffin points goes to you! She works for you every day after school. Sits in the back to do her homework then helps you with paperwork and sorts all the mailing files. She can do things you wish you could do, by Celestia you’re so proud of that filly. Sometimes you just want to give that little filly a ferocious belly rub then boop that snoot of hers…
What’s that look for?
You know you want to boop that cute little snoot I know I wanna boop that snoot, put my hand-hoof on that little flank-brush that mane...okay I’m making you angry let's move on, hell yeah!

---

“Mommy I’m cold and tired, I wanna go back to sleep”
“I do too sweetie but you know what they say, “the early bird gets the muffin” and we all need to pull our own weight. In Ponyville we all play our part.”

“Do we have to play our part so early?”

“Absolutely! Ours is arguably the most important part in all of Ponyville!”

“Really?”

“Mmmmhm! Weeee don’t aaaall have access to a magical dragon that sends a letter just by burning them...I tried and I had to dock my own pay...to myself. Ponies rely on Ditzy Dooooo and her little pride and joy Dinkyyy.” You give your little sunshine some deep muzzle snuggles, do please continue.

“Wow mommy I didn’t know how important we are, does that make us awesome?”

“Yes, we are tots awesome little Dinky.”

“Even more awesome then Rainbow Dash!?”

You start to feel sweat coming down your brow and your collar seems to feel unusually tight. “Pfft- I mean, well, c’mon...maybe-I-I”- You feign into coughing as you open up shop, smoooooth. Giving yourself a pat on the back for a job well done, you successfully opened up your shop like the boss you are. While completely and utterly dodging a yes or no question on if you’re more awesome than Rainbow Dash. You dare not contemplate. You can feel her presence, you feel her competitive nature crawl on your back, the hairs on your fur perk up. NOPE let’s not talk about it.

Now you wait for customers to stop by requesting packages to be delivered or some shit like that. Honestly who the fuck cares about this damn story about a stupid pony delivering mail. Maybe I should go transfer my conscience to Twi-

“HEY!”

“EEP” Startled poor Dinky teeny tiny ponk pone ahahah.

WHOA WHOA HEEEY! You get mad at your mind for cursing, we ain’t gonna do that in her house, NOPE, not in her brain we aren’t. We are strictly PG Family Friendly. Noooo cursing. You scoff, honestly where has your brain been picking up such vulgar language? Stupid stupid brain, when will you learn? When will you learn that your actions have consequences!

Oh hey look grey muffin ponk pony, another tiny pony approaches with a letter, sweet! Work, future bits for the taken...taken 2. Why it’s none other than the tooooown drunkered Berry...Berry Winemmmm-something? Hang on let me google it...Berry PUNCH that was her name, as if you could ever forget about Berry Punch. Oh look she’s drunk too, she has a letter, good, BUT she’s drunk. Drunker than a mofo. How on Equestria should you deal with this problem? It’s not like you hate her, on the contrary, you think she is swelling...on the rare chances, you find her sober. You think really hard, a smile creeps onto your face as suggestions start to flood your mind….

(Help Ditzy Doo think of what to do in order to progress the story...what on Equestria should Ditzy Doo do to confront or avoid this problem. It’s an anything-goes satire story with an autho- I mean dominate voice in her head that doesn't give any quarters. Please leave suggestions, I’m eager to see where this story can possibly lead in the future thanks to your words of wisdom. Within reason please…)

Author's Note:

I wrote this because I was bored...will I continue this? Maybe when I'm bored. I'll make this a "Hey I'm bored, let's write BS" story. If you're into that, then feel free to add this to your Tracking, only Luna knows this will be a sporadic story!

Comments

[niightear]

So does the most said answer win, or the the most liked answer?

[Genki Griffon]

9687205
The answer I like the most WINS
Equal to that regard, The most LIKED Comment is also HIGHLY recommended!

I am the Conductor, and everyone is the caboose!
I won't update the story if nobody comments I will be true to that too. No Comment, No Update!
If the story gains traction I may have to make more rules, but for now, lets all just have fun making Derpy do things.

[Senko_wermacht_division]

Too derpy from landon
"You should hire a pony like dash but smart like twilight so the don't mess up"!

[Replica Knight]

Mah favorite background character got a new story. Yay.

[Viper Pit]

I say let berry crash on the couch until she sobers up because she might be close to passing out

[FictionalNightmare]

Ditzy should give her a sleep pill muffin, and THEN deliver the package!

Or, just completely ignore her and grab the package.

[Cala]

Voices by the hundreds are clambering for your attention, but it's your 'job' to weed them out! Ditzy Doo can't be too crazy after all! One [self-proclai-(all proclaimed!)] COOL voice to rule them all, and he, it, she, me, you is definitely the one to do so.

"You can't just forget about Rainbow Dash! You ARE more Awesomer than her!"

"Well I don't think we should cau-"

"-CAUSE ANY TROUBLE."

"You are all being irrational, see what 'he, it, she, me, you' have to put up with to keep Ditzy Doo, Dooing as she Doo?"

"I think we should seduc-"

"-Help, Drinking Daniel over here... Was that her name? I'm not scrolling up to find out."

"Why aren't we getting Dinky to handle this? She's apparently pretty smart."

"If you're so in looooove with her-"

"-Are you the same voice as before, you know you're annoying right?"

"Agreed" "Agreed" "Agreed" "Agreed" "Agreed" etc x99999

"Aw"

"Ditzy deceives Dinky dubiously, dooming drunkards during daily delivery."

"Then she can politely inform Rainbow that she's better than her. Don't want to get her upset..."

"Wouldn't that do that exactly?"

"Huh?"

"No, because she won't be able to have a comeback! Yelling at Ditzy? Won't work, that's rude. Berate her? Won't work, that's mean. Be slient? She'll have too! What is going to used her calm intellect to calmly tell her that she can't say those kinds of things, it'll offend them?"

"All choices lead to Prome!"

"Roads*. And Prome? Seriously?"

"Give her some aspirin and water."

"Who?"

"Berry Punch. It'll help her recover from her hangover."

"Maybe she could help with the business?"

"Wait I'm lost are we just abandoning the other idea?"

"Well you should help those who need help..."

"But we were really on to something!"

"I was skimming and I just want to say, the author didn't write that she asked for help. Just that she was drunk. Thanks bye."

"What'll come of saying she's better than Rainbow Dash? Won't Twilight just come over and solve the situation?"

"We need separate threads for this."
[Yeah I'm shutting this down]
"We're we going to smooch Berry or not?"
-close-

[Genki Griffon]

9688549
By Jove these are all excellent ideas! Why they are so excellent that I am proud that I thought of them all, aaaaaall by myse-ourself and in no way shape or form were there a third party in our head.
YAY me, go me, we rule! HELL YEAH!

I'll be sure to add some of these in the next update! -I mean response because this is all in her head, and not a story written by someon-I mean somepony who has not given up on Derpy!

[Genki Griffon]

This Story is currently on Hold. Focusing on bigger writing projects. This was mostly a shits and giggles story to laugh at myself. It will have its chance to be written upon again...one day.