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Comments ( 43 )

Not a bad start. I'll see where this goes.

nbq
nbq #2 · Jul 1st, 2019 · · · Act I ·

I like this filly and I'll wait for the next chapter.
Edit: I just realized that this is the story for which I voted...

The title reminds me of a once famous advertisiment of little coconut

clever girl...xD

TinMan #7 · Jul 1st, 2019 · · 5 · Act I ·

How can someone be so gut wrenchingly awkward with everything he does also how can someone be such a putz that is so easily manipulated by an 8 year old not to mention he acts like one of his only friends is his keeper it's kind of sad... and pathetic.

Down several bits, his best friend leaves him for the night, and now a cute little filly is torturing him, Damn.

This is Anon right now,

pics.me.me/when-everything-in-life-is-going-wrong-but-youre-used-29840530.png

Bacon Sizzle? that is one hell of a name for a pony.

Um, unf?

instinct's are a powerfull sing , even for little filly ;D

Sequel pleeeaaseee :pinkiehappy:

Aceman67 #13 · Jul 2nd, 2019 · · 20 · Act II ·

this isn't meant as an attack but as genuine constructive criticism, please take it with that intention

"Anon,...

And you lost me.

Nothing is a bigger killer of suspension of disbelief than those four letters to me. I don't know how many otherwise good stories I've stopped reading here because of that.

Using Anon as a self-insert method is a little lazy. What you've done is just write a first-person narrative using third person pronouns, which makes it hard to read.

Most of the descriptive narrative tells us what's going on since those portions are from some nameless narrator. Well structured prose, especially in self-insert stories, shows us what's happening. Show, don't tell. For example, there's this line:

“What would you have done if I said yes?” you reply at his terrible joke.

A far more immersive way to write that is to replace "you reply" (which needs a capital Y btw) with "I reply". See the difference? By replacing that one word, you aren't telling the reader what they are doing, but instead, you're putting the reader in the position of the protagonist and they are the ones doing the action. Amazing how much one word can change the tone and feel of a story. Nearly every utterance of "you" would be better served with me, myself and I.

You don't even need to name the protagonist for it to be a good self-insert. A prime example is "Invisible Man", a novel by Ralph Ellison, a novel about the social and intellectual issues facing black Americans in the 40s and 50s. The protagonist is never named and the whole thing is written from his POV, which is genius in its execution in terms of its writing structure. (it's also a great read).

Of the 14-15 times, anon is used in the first chapter, 12 times are by other characters referring to the protagonist. 90% aren't even necessary. Normal conversations, especially between people who know each other, don't constantly refer to each other by name (seriously, take note of that fact when you're talking with a friend alone).

"That’s it, Anon!” Bacon Sizzle exclaims,

The average person, least of all 18-year-old boys, would say that (I know I used to be one). That's not a natural speech pattern for a one on one conversation. Using someone's name brings on formality because it grabs a person's attention, if it's one on one, you already have that. A conversation that setting is informal, using a name in that instance is unneeded. If there were more than two participants, you could get away with it.

For the instances where you can't, use a nickname or another pronoun (like dude or guy, embrace your inner Canadian! *cough*). In the case of the little sister, girls often come up with nicknames or pet names for those they show affection for. My late fiancee called me Beardy, for instance.

Anything but Anon. It's immersion killing. That 4chan meme needs to die.

/rant

The Equestria Bureau of Investigation HQ: "General Fogle, there's another human fillyfooler in Equestria."

"What? At least I'm not alone."

"Should we bring him here?"

"Nah, he's too old for me."

9710935
Anon stories are basically at the top of the heap of a select few types of clopfiction that get featured. There's nothing anyone can do about it.

This story is an instant favourite. I love how it's more than clop and how you built it all up from the first affectionate interactions down to the most intimate moments they could possibly have with each other.
True romance between an adult and a filly is rare and you pulled it off perfectly. It's so cute how she was crushing on him and leading him on further and further to make out with her.
And I want to see how it continues for them, now that they are together. I hope you realize that this story needs a sequel!

9710935

If you have this much of a problem, why are you here? Not just in this story, but in this community, or the fandom? We are bronies, our specific take on the fandom began in 4chan's /b/ board. 'Anonymous' was part of our culture before you joined up, no doubt. Also, why are you being so presumptuous as to believe everyone needed to see such a post on your displeasure? We don't care.

Most 2nd person stories of relative note in the fandom are Anon-based stories, because either they're using the specific 'Anon' character, who is an in-world everyman, or they're using 'Anon' as an everyman meta figure. This will continue to be the case. The few of you complaining about it should have realized by now that it's best if you just keep it to yourself and move along instead of wasting your time and others' acting offended and as if we actually give one iota of a crap about what upsets you regarding things we like.

Because yes, it's obvious you're trying to dress it up as constructive criticism, but really the only reason that post exists is to vent your displeasure.

I also find it hilarious that you came to a story about statutory rape and wound up complaining that the guy going to be fucking an underaged female has a name you don't like. Doesn't that strike you as anachronistic? Where are your priorities? Nevermind, don't answer, don't actually care.

Man I hope I'm not on any FBI watchlists after this

“Y-yeah!” you say, picking up a spoon and beginning to eat yourself ...

Autocannibalism, unf.

... while you attempt to ease her into your own sensual meth.

Well, that escalated quickly. Where's the narcotics tag?!

But srsly tho, this was good.

9711179
Yeah, instead of just having the sex with the child, it has the child grooming process too. Totally makes it a good story and not weird or creepy in any way. He really pulled off the perfect romance story, they have so much in common, like liking ice cream! And they have done so much together, like when they went to an ice cream shop! Their relationship seems very genuine and not forced at all. This is NOT just porn, even though it has the porn tag and everything up to the porn only serves to get to the porn. My favorite part was when Anon betrayed his friends trust and took advantage of and stole the innocence of his 8 year old sister. Truly an amazing story about statutory rape of an 8 year old. (Just in case you couldn't catch it this is sarcastic :) )

9711694
How in the balls did I not catch that?!

Seriously, though, I'm glad you liked it. I seriously didn't anticipate this many people reading it haha.

Pretty good story! I liked the characters, and how both were exploring each other for the first time...the way that was written felt authentic.


Bacon Sizzle is still a terrible name for a pony though.

She knows exactly what she's doing...

“Oh, I remember that story! Yeah, Twilight was better before she got wings.”

You owe me computer repairs for the spit take i did xD

Aghhhhh...i have NEVER been so conflicted with a story before. Reading it made me feel a bit sick and unclean, because it's a filly, but goddammit all if it wasn't an amazingly well done story that i shamefully enjoyed. Thumbs up!

Please make a sequel!

Heh, this is cute.

Now I want to say a few more things about this story. When I read it Tuesday night, I was on a trip and had to rely on my smartphone to read it somewhere deep in the woods..... But now I'm back home, so it's easier to type a comment.

The first thing that impressed me is how this story was something completely different than what I expected. Going into it, I thought it's a typical Foalcon clopfic in which Anon and Coconut Cream start having sex five minutes in. But then they only talked and went ice cream eating and talked some more, before they slowly started kissing. Then the first chapter was over and almost half of the second one and only then it started to get lewd.
This was a nice change of pace and a real surprise as the description just made it sound like it's two full chapters of them fucking. It was brilliant to not give any hints in the description.

Then there's the buildup that I already mentioned. It was nice and romantic, something you don't often see in Foalcon stories, and most importantly, it felt realistic. I never had a little girl romancing me, but something here feels very authentic. The playful approach by Coconut (which got a lot of laughs out of me, as well as Anon's reactions, so bonus points for the humor and comedy), her carefully executed plan and how she was all too eager when she finally had Anon where she wanted him to be.
All of this felt like very genuine behavior of a child and I feel that if a little girl were romancing an adult, that's exactly how it would go about everything. Anon's denial and hesitation was on point, too.

Lastly, the sequel potential. As I said above already, this story is one of the rare Foalcon stories that contain actual romance between an adult and a foal, not just quick and dirty sex. And both Anon and Coconut Cream are written so nicely here, that you have to care about them after reading this story. Which, naturally, makes you curious how it will continue for them in their blooming relationship.
When will they see each other again? How could they see each other again? How could Anon visit her without raising suspicions by her brother or her parents? How could Coconut Cream sneak out all the time to see him without her parents or brother demanding an explanation or following her in secret? How can they arrange meetings without getting caught?
And how far would Anon go to keep her as his girlfriend? How far would Coconut go? If worse comes to worst, would they run off and hide? Or, would Anon flee and Coconut Cream seek him out? How far would they go in their love for each other?
And what would Bacon Sizzle even think about all this? Would he make true on what he said, end his friendship with Anon and physically hurt him if he found out? Or, would a surprise happen and he would actually end up accepting it, maybe after Coconut intervened and made clear how much Anon means to her and that he doesn't have to be worried because she wants it, too, and it makes her happy? Did Bacon Sizzle maybe even arrange all of this and brought them into this situation because he knows how his sister feels? Would he be a secret supporter or become the mortal enemy of their relationship?
There are so many interesting things you could do with what you established here. I hope you will give a sequel proper consideration and use the potential!

Hmm, I liked, but to me the age was just way too young... Was out of my comfort zone.

“Does that mean you’re horny too?”
You hadn’t even noticed that you were leading yourself right into that question, but with a gulp, you nod your head. “Yeah… I’m horny…”

Meanwhile on the olther side of the window there's a stalion with advanced police gear holding a walkitokie.
"Ok i think this is good enough. On 3 we strike."
1.....
2.....
3...
KNOCK
KNOCK
KNOCK

"FBI open up!!!"

9715501
they knock first? wont that kinda kill the surprise...

9758796
Have you ever heard of the FBI joke? Knocking is essential.

9759088
maybe, but it just feels like it would give it away

He is starting of OK the wtf but I like where this is going.

Not that was a cute and spicy story with a funny and sweet end.

Indigo Plateau

I see you. Your Kanto is showing.

:rainbowlaugh:

9925772
Finally someone got the joke!

9709539
Dude, have you ever met an 8 year old girl? They can be brutally effective at getting what they want! Between The Eyes, and unspoken threats, you don't stand a chance.

10035351
:rainbowhuh: yes, most human beings have, that why I have no words for that entire comment if you're being honest. Also if you believe that you have no chance in dealing with the manipulation of an 8 year old girl, I would strongly recommend you stay far away from adult women.

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