A Sinking Ship
Our story starts in the middle of the Equestrian ocean, with a ship who was crossing it. It was a luxury cruise, one which carried several earth ponies, pegasi and unicorns inside. Originally it was going to be a simple trip: leaving port at the east side, crossing through the ocean and then resting on the west. Originally, because its trip had to be suddenly stopped. Disaster had just struck in a way that anyone could only define as bad luck.
The luxury cruise had been hit by a wild sea serpent. The creature, clearly disturbed by the arrival of the ship in his hunting territory, quickly gave the ship a single powerful strike with his pointy tail. The tail struck the hull of the ship with great strength, succeeding in breaking through and letting the water enter.
In Equestria voyages always had the danger of running into hostile animals. As such ships always avoided going through uncharted areas or deep places, such as near the Everfree Forest for example. This ship had probably made a logistic mistake, going outside of it's normal course for some unknown reason.
The creature looked at the destruction he had brought: pieces of wood began scattering outside the wound of the ship. Seeing that the invader of his territory had started to sink, the serpent simply returned to the depths of the ocean. His job was done: whatever 'animal' this thing was, he had been successful in defeating it.
While for the serpent it was a quick victory, for the ponies inside the ship it was chaos: with nothing but water alongside them the prospect of survival seemed pretty blurry.
The pegasi, fortunate by having born with pair of wings quickly managed to fly away. While some of them actually bothered to try to rescue another life, the majority just didn't care, wanting to get themselves as fast as possible from the danger. A selfish attitude, but one hard to judge because of fear of death.
Next it was the unicorns: those who knew water breathing spells used them, quickly jumping into the water. Others preferred to use levitation, which helped them to leave the ship through the air. And a few others used teleportation, simply disappearing from the middle of the ship. Some of them bothered to try to rescue a few others, but just like the pegasi the majority preferred to save their own hides.
The majority of the population of the luxury cruise was earth ponies however. With no supernatural means of survival available to them, they quickly started to run towards the nearest life boats, their only remaining hope.
As a matter of security ships were usually provided with enough lifeboats to ensure the survival of every passenger. This ship was an exception however: the number of lifeboats was far less than the number which was required. Furthermore, when the serpent hit the ship the impact of his tail ended destroying and launching some sideway lifeboats into the ocean, diminishing even more their number.
Seeing that the remaining boats were far less than the expected number, the remaining ponies quick entered into desperation: ponies started to push each other, struggling to ensure a place on the remaining lifeboats. Those who couldn't get inside one would quickly grab into barrels, scattered planks, technically anything that they could find to float at the ocean.
It was a catastrophe. Those who had responsibility for this cruise would probably receive Celestia's justice when this was over.
After the initial panic ended, only a small group of ponies remained on the ship. Most had found a way to escape, using their wings, horns or the remaining lifeboats. The others who couldn't just grabbed anything they could hold of, trying to float at the ocean. It was hard to say if they would succeeded at it... or if the ocean was going to be merciless.
The group which remained was composed of eight earth ponies: five stallions and three mares. They were standing near a small lifeboat, one which has been kept separated from the others. It was probably reserved for the ship personnel, who actually escaped by taking the bigger lifeboats reserved for passengers. It was hard to say if they did it for desperation or because they thought they would have a higher chance of survival this way.
The small boat had the following message written in it: ‘Capacity: five ponies.’ The group started to look at each other, unsure of how to proceed in a situation like this.
The first of them to talk was a gray stallion using a pair of glasses. He had previously introduced himself was Grey Hoof, his vocation being a math teacher. He pondered for a bit, seeming intrigued by their dilemma. He asked: “So it seems only five of us can get inside this lifeboat. Logically, this also means that three of us will have to stay. How do you guys propose that we decide this?”
“Pretty easy: mares and foals first.”, answered a pink mare. She was none other than Little Star, a popular singer and promising celebrity in Equestria. She had a yellow mane and was using a very expensive, purple and yellow colored dress. She immediately went to inside the boat, only to be physically stopped by Grey.
“I protest: that wouldn’t be fair with the rest of us.” Grey Hoof argued. He tipped his glasses a bit, perhaps trying to look smarter. He then continued: “We really should draw straws. As a math teacher I can assure you that would be the fairest way to resolve our little dilemma. Don’t worry, I will oversee the entire process to avoid cheating.”
“Do you really want luck to define who is to live?” asked a second stallion. He was pretty young and muscular, being colored deep blue. He was none other than Mighty, a professional athlete and winner of the Manehattan juvenile running competition. “The younger ones should survive! After all we still have an entire life ahead of us!”
“That is a pretty interesting argument.” said the third stallion. This stallion was pretty old, his body was dark brown and he had grayish hair. He was also using a big pair of glasses, probably even bigger than the teacher. “Age… and what does it matter when compared with the importance of what you are doing? I am a scientist, my name is Brain by the way. I have created many things that each of you use every single day. So of course I should enter first, after all this world needs my projects.”
“So you are pretty important, huh? But who do you have waiting for you at home?” asked the second mare. She was a bit older than Little Star, having a cyan color and a curly green mane. She was kind of chubby and was holding a photo in her hand, tears falling through her cheeks. “Listen, my name is Olivia and I have two small fillies at home. My husband died not too long ago… if I were to die, who would take care of them? Can't you ponies have compassion for a poor single mother? They are there, waiting for me. Oh my, they must be crying right now just by thinking about me! As such I really should go inside the...”
“Silence!” shouted the fourth stallion, interrupting her. His body was orange and his mane was yellow like gold. He had a diamond circlet on top of his head. “Listen your commoners, I am a prince! Prince Gold Crown to be more exact. My nobility is proof enough for my need for survival!”
The six ponies then started discussing, each trying to prove why they deserved to enter the boat more than the others. All while the water slowly rose, they kind of forgetting the urgency of the situation. Seeing this, the fifth stallion decided to get up and take a distance from them, walking until he was out of their presence. The third mare noticed his attitude and got intrigued, starting to follow him...
Finally alone, the fifth stallion sat down on the deck, calmly watching the sky. This stallion had brown mane and eyes, his body being white. His name was Light and he was carrying a small silver memento in his hooves, probably something from his homeland.
“See… this is why the world is so messed up.” said the third mare, the one which had silently followed him. She was purple, wearing a black dress and earrings in form of pony skulls. Her name was Midnight and she was not only a rock fan, but also a rebel against the government, society, her parents and any other form of authority she could find to oppose.
The mare continued: “Look at those idiots bickering about who should live and who should die. Just like my father… a rich bastard who jumped in a lifeboat without not even remembering me, his own daughter! I hope that the sharks or the serpent find and devour him!”
Light didn’t reply, simply staring at the sky.
“Huh, are you okay dude? You keep holding this thing in your hooves like it was the most important thing ever. It’s just a piece of silver.” Midnight said, a bit annoyed by his reaction.
“Actually it isn't. It symbolizes something bigger for me. I guess it's a matter of faith.” The stallion answered, looking at her with wide eyes.
“Faith… about what?”. The mare took a little step back, taken by surprise.
“About a better place for those who have gone?” Light answered. “Well, I do believe in it. And this pendant reminds me of it. So I have decided to let things in the hands of our maker.”
“Uhh… wouldn’t it be better for you to try securing a place on the boat? You know, do something that may actually save your life?!”. Midnight was clearly annoyed. She stood still, glaring at him, her stare demanding an answer.
“Each of them said a reason for surviving, because each one of them wants to be saved. I could try to share my mind, explain why I should enter the boat: but wouldn't that remove the chance of survival of someone else? All of them had actually pretty good reasons for surviving, so how can I say that mine is better than theirs?" explained Light with a frown.
"I think it's hard to believe that you have a reason worst than everyone else. At least I don't think it would be worst than the prince. 'I should survive because I said so! Bow to my authority!'. I mean, what a huge jerk!". Midnight exclaimed, a somewhat rude smile in her face.
"Even with his bad attitude, who am I to say that he doesn't deserve to live? Who knows, maybe in the future he may become a kinder person." said Light, slowly closing his eyes. "I have lived mostly a good life, I have made many friends and I have found my light. If it's my time to go, then it's time to go."
“So you will just resign to death?” asked Midnight, don’t being able to understand why he was doing it.
“No, not at all. I said that I would let things in the hands of our creator and I meant it, but that doesn't mean I am giving up. I saw that many pegasi managed to fly away from here. Also there are others who escaped by the boats or through magic. I am sure that they will report what happened to the authorities, who will come flying fast to rescue all survivors. I don't know if they will actually come before this ship sinks... but if they do, I will gladly go with them." Light opened his eyes, answering with a smile. "If I get another chance at live I will gladly take it. But I don't want to survive if it means taking the chance of another pony.”
Midnight looked at him, shocked by his words. She thought a bit before finally saying: “Woah… that was... a really big bunch of trash! I really couldn’t care less if any of them died. They are all disgusting scum, I cannot fathom why you would care about them.”
“Hmm, if you believe that, why aren’t you trying to get a place on the lifeboat for yourself?” asked Light, truly curious.
“And have to be locked with four of them in a tight boat, in what could be weeks?! I prefer death! My father is a monster who only cares about money, the government is corrupt and us ponies are selfish morons. I would rather that this entire world just blew up!” Midnight shouted, angrily stomping on the floor.
“I really don’t know what went in your life… but you really shouldn’t give up this world. There are still many good things in it.” Light replied, looking worried. "Just like there are some mean ponies out there, there are a lot of others who are nice and decent. Not just ponies, but kind beings of all races."
“Ah, don’t try to preach on me!” replied Midnight angry. “It's not like it will really matter after we are all dead!"
The two ponies stood looking at each other for a few moments, standing in silence. Midnight was the first one to break it: "Anyway... we should return to those fools and warn them that we plan to stay. Perhaps then they will stop this little circus they are doing.”
Light got up, nodding with his head. Both were decided on what they were going to do, even if by complete different reasons. Together they started walking towards where the last lifeboat was…
Midnight and Light arrived at the main deck: as expected, the six ponies were still discussing about whom should have the privilege of entering the boat.
The majority of the cruise was now inside the water, the ocean slowly raising as time passed. The group however was so caught up in their argument that they didn't notice how little time they still had left.
“Listen, you morons!” shouted Midnight, stomping a hoof on the ground to get their attention. “I and Mr. Nice Stallion here took a decision: we are going to stay! So that means that only one of you idiots actually needs to stay with us!”
“Well, that does make things easier.”, said Grey Hoof with a smile. “We just need to find another pony to be left behind. We could make a vote for it, nothing fairer right?”
“Why even make a vote? We should leave this arrogant prince here to drown! It’s so obvious!” Mighty quickly replied, hatred filling his face.
“Leave me to die? And who would then take care of my fief?”, answered Gold Crown offended. “Remember what Brain, the scientist there told us: the most important of us should survive. I hold a very high position and a very important responsibility. It's pretty obvious that the singer is the one of us who is the most useless.”
“Yes, I agree. Gold Crown may be a jerk… but he will be missed far more than a simply juvenile singer.” Brain, the old scientist agreed.
“Wait, you can’t be serious!”, shouted Little Star horrified. “What would be of the world without my music? It is through music and entertainment that ponies smile and feel better with themselves. A world without me would be a catastrophe.”
“Then who should be left behind, 'Miss Important'?”, asked Gold Crown with a smug smile.
“Isn’t it obvious? Of course it's Mighty. He is an athlete after all, he do have more chance of surviving than any of us. He could try to swim or something.”, Little Star replied.
“That is an irrefutable fact.”, said Brain fixing his glasses, perhaps to look smarter. "An athlete has the physical fitness that clearly lack on all of us. His chance of survival would be far greater than any of us if he were to be left behind."
“Now that wouldn’t be fair!” Mighty shouted, tears starting to fall from his eyes. The bulk stallion had gotten pretty emotive, his pupils starting to clearly hurt: “Listen, I have just won an award so of course I am important to the world! And I am the youngest of the group… I have never kissed a mare yet! I can’t just be left to die…”
Mighty put his head down, still shocked at the other ponies suggestions. Suddenly he got up, having an idea: “What about the teacher? He seems pretty ordinary.”
Now the attention of the ponies was back at Gray Hoof. He simply gave a smile, before arguing: “Hmm… talking statically, then yes, it would look like my profession is quite ordinary. I would be the most common of all of us… but digging further, there is other evidence that you ponies are forgetting: I have many students who depend on my subjects to learn. Not only that, I am also guiding a potential reform in the college where I lecture… should it be successful, it could revolutionize the entire educational method. As such it's mathematically wrong to put me in the 'ordinary' label.”
He used his hoof to fix the glasses on his eyes, also trying to look smarter. “Not only that, it’s also through me that many… like the scientist over there get their basic knowledge. And talking about that… Brain, you are old and your body is weak. You know that taking probabilities into account you are the one of us with greatest chance to die. You could get pneumonia or something like that with easy. In fact I don’t think you would survive this journey even in a life boat. The cold water from when the waves splash would quickly be your doom. Why don’t you just stay behind and let those who, talking statically, have more chance of surviving taking the boat?”
“I can’t deny this fact.”, replied Brain with a sarcastic smile. “However there is another thing that you seem to be forgetting: we have a prince with a land to rule, we have an athlete who is a champion, we have a singer who is famous through the entire country and a scientist of remarkable intellect. Looking further, the teacher and the mother are the most common ones. However I concede your point: you really are special. Taking this into account it’s pretty clear which of us should stay… besides being a mother, what do you do miss Olivia?”
“What… WHAT?!” Olivia shouted, now feeling outraged. “What kind of animals are you, leaving a poor mother to die without seeing her children? Where is the solidarity, the compassion? Will I never be able to see my children again… to hug them… or sing them a lullaby?”
“Listen mare. This is a hard time and we all need to do hard choices. Are you sure you don’t have anypony else to look after them?” Grey Hoof asked without showing any remorse.
“Ah, so if I have a cousin or an uncle then it’s okay for me to die?! I will disappear from this world, without being able to take care of my family! I… I am completely alone. I don’t have anyone to look for them...” Olivia answered, tears falling quicker than ever from her eyes as she lied down on the ground.
Olivia suddenly got up, like she had just thought about something: “...I didn’t want to tell before… but I am also pregnant. This means that I am not a single life… but two of them! That does open a big hole in yours argument that I am the one who should be left behind!”
“Likely story.”, said Grey Hoof with disbelief. “If you truly were, why didn’t you say this from the beginning? And even if you are… this would be your fault, not of any of us.”
“How could you?!” Olivia shouted again, never feeling so insulted before. “Can you prove that I am lying?!”
“And can you prove you are telling the truth?” Brain asked, also don’t believing her story.
“And how would I do that, you morons!? We are in the middle of ocean, you monsters!” Olivia screamed, one of her hooves pushing her own mane up, a clear act of desperation.
“It doesn’t matter. Logic triumphs over emotion in times like these.” Brain concluded firmly. "It always does."
“Really, Mr. I know it all? Then tell me: if this situation was different, if there was a boat who only fitted one pony and you were there with your wife and kids… who would enter the boat? Would you really save your own skin just to continue whatever profession you have… while letting your family to die?” Olivia pleaded in the middle of tears.
“That is… an interesting question.” Brain answered, lowering his head for a few moments. He thought for a bit before turning up and answering: “But the thing is: you are not my family. There is no reason why I should care about you. Or any other pony in this ship. Sorry if this sounds mean… but life is just like this.”
“Are we really going to send a pregnant mare to her death?” Mighty said with disgust. “I said before and I say again: dump the prince, he never did anything useful anyway.”
“HOW DARE YOU?” Gold Crow shouted in hatred, approaching the young athlete with fire in his eyes. “You should be praying to be saved with me! I am sure my followers already sent several search ships to find what happened. Those who stick with me will have greater chances of survival!”
Light could only look at the discussion. He lowered his head feeling a bit of shame for the entire group… this was surely going to end badly. The water was starting to touch his hoofs too, so hopefully they could settle it soon...
“Do you understand now why I said I didn’t care if any of them died?” Midnight approached Light, giving a small tap on his back. “Bunch of self-entitled jerks.”
The ship trembled as another huge wave hit him. Everypony was taken back by the water touching their knees, the ship getting even more inclined. They were brought back to reality: it wouldn't be long before it was all over.
“ENOUGH!” Now it was time for Grey Hoof, the math teacher, to finally lose his temper. “The ship is quickly sinking; we need to resolve this right now! Let’s do it with a quick vote. Each of you says who should be left behind.”
Grey Hoof stopped for a moment, before saying: “My vote is for Olivia. She is just a simple mother, who doesn’t have much to offer society was a whole. The monarchy can probably do a better job raising her children than she would, anyway.”
Prince Gold Crown quickly followed: “So be it. Who cares, I vote the same.”
Brain fixed his glasses, quickly concluding: “So is it. I agree for previous reasons. And I want to remind the others that we all need to vote the same if we are to survive this mess.”
Olivia could only look horrified, as the three ponies simply signed her death sentence. She was almost blacking out, when she heard a voice:
“I disagree.” It was Mighty, the athlete. “The one who should die is you, Brain! You are old, arrogant and a heartless monster!”
“I concur.” Said Little Star, the singer. “Leaving a mother in despair… that could probably be pregnant just to save our skins? You ponies are horrible.”
“What we do now?” asked Grey Hoof, who wasn’t expecting this outcome.
“Well, since each of us had a single vote and Olivia clearly isn't going to vote for herself… why don’t we allow the lady and the mister over there to vote too? Just because they chose to die doesn’t mean they can’t vote.” said Brain, pointing both at Light and Midnight.
“Uh, don’t look at me.” Midnight said bluntly. “For me all of you could die. In fact, if I could have unlimited votes I would vote for each of you… one million times each. All of you are a bunch of chickens that would probably push the other out of the ship only to save your own rotten skin!”
The six ponies stared at Midnight, clearly offended at her words. They suddenly turned to Light, who simply stood silently. Grey Hoof took the initiative, asking: “So… I guess its fall upon you to decide… what do you think?”
Light closed his eyes. The other seven ponies were looking at him, waiting his vote. He thought for a minute, before opening and saying: “Who am I to decide this?”
“Each of you gave a lot of good reasons to live. And each of you truly believes that you deserve to survive more than the others, am I right?”, asked Light.
They only looked at each other, wondering where the white stallion was going with this talk.
“If I am going to take what each of you said as the truth… then each of you deserve to be saved. And if that is the truth… how could I choose which one of you should be saved?”, continued Light getting emotional, his eyes getting a bit red.
“So… what is the solution? I guess there are many solutions who could solve this problem. But what would be the right one? The only, right thing we can do at this situation is wait for somepony to open his or her heart, doing the most selfless act a pony can do. If we were to force one of us to stay, while we all know he seeks life… what would that makes us? For what we condemned him or her? We just don't have this authority.” Light continued.
“If we really are innocent then we deserve to live. But sadly three of us have to be left behind. What I can do... is to offer myself. And so did Midnight, even though I don’t agree with her reasons.” Light kept going.
"The same choice I did any of you can make. If all of you think that you deserve to live, then you must accept that the others deserve to live as well. So why don’t any of you join us to save the others?”, the white stallion offered. “Or do you guys really believe that your reason triumphs over all the others? If that is the conclusion we get today… that it's impossible for us to care about others more than we care for ourselves... then perhaps it would be better that we all sink together.”
All other ponies could only look in shock: they were taken back by surprise by Light speech. They stopped, clearly thinking about Light words.
The first one to talk was Gray Hoof, the math teacher: “Well, well, well. Now that was a cute speech. Care for the others, you say? Well, I am caring for my students.”
“Ah right, you are a teacher. You have a duty to your students, to teach them and guide them in the right path. So why do you refuse to teach the best lesson we can learn? And what if we were your students? Would you really sacrifice yourself for our sake?” Light asked bluntly.
“That is true. The teacher only has a duty to a small number of ponies. I however have developed many tools for the best of Ponykind, so my value is unchallenged.”, argued Brain, the old scientist.
“Is that so? But isn't the exact purpose of your tools to help Ponykind? Well, now you have the chance of helping it without having to develop anything." Light countered. "It really doesn't matter how many things you help creating: none of them actually have the power to replace pony spirit. You may improve our society with your tools... but they cannot replace the need for empathy!"
“I understand what you mean, white stallion… my love for my family is my main motive.” Olivia said, shrugging her tears.
“That is true. But do you remember that others have families too?”, asked Light intrigued. "That each mare and stallion on this ship have parents, brothers, husbands, wifes... even children? What about their families?"
“Well, I have a duty to care for my followers! I have an entire country to stand for!” Prince Gold Crown shouted angrily.
“You are right, a monarch duty is with his followers. And who are your followers: aren't they ponies just like those on this ship?!”, asked Light, his face getting red. "If we were your fellow country ponies, would you really give down your life for us?"
“He probably wouldn't. But what about me? I bring happiness everywhere. Smile is important to everypony.” Little Star defended herself.
“Right, smiling is important. Well... I don’t see any smiles going on here. There is something you could do right now that would not only bring a temporary happiness, but be able to forever change the life of other five ponies.” answered Light. "There is no need to smiling if you aren't alive."
“I fear that you may have already an answer ready to me... but please understand that I have much to still fulfill in my life.” Mighty argued at last.
“How many things you need to fulfill before taking your life as complete? How many awards do you have to win to compare with the action of saving other ponies lives?” Light finished. "You can actually accomplish now the greatest deed you could make in this life."
All six ponies stood frozen at the white stallion speech. They all looked down feeling shameful, finally realizing how the situation had brought the worst of themselves.
Prince Gold Crown was the first to stare up, his prince pride talking louder: “You are right: we were all being selfish. But you know what? Who cares?! Of course you don’t care about dying: you must believe in some type of reward for you after you are gone. But I don't! For me there is only a big deep pit of darkness. This is my life, my only one... and I shall drink every last drop of it!”
“If that is true, then you are going to that pit anyway. So why don’t you go while doing something good? If you believe that there is only darkness at the end of your road and that you will inevitable fall into it... isn't it more important the things that you do through your trip, rather than their quantity? But I do have to ask... if there is only darkness waiting to you, why don’t you seek where your light is? Surely as much as darkness exists so does the light.” Concluded Light.
“Blah, I don’t care! You know what? Go jump from a bridge! There is no light, just like there is no good or evil here! There are just two things: those who will get out of here alive and those who won’t! Nothing else and nothing besides this actually matters!” Gold Crown shouted, his body being taken by anger.
“And you know what?! You can all stay here and rot… for I AM GOING TO LIVE!” Prince Gold Crown shouted, before giving a short run and throwing the lifeboat on the sea. The other ponies could only look frozen as the prince tried to escape alone.
“OH ROTTEN APPLES! I TOLD YOU WE SHOULD HAVE LEFT HIM BEHIND!”, shouted Mighty, who quickly started to run after him.
The prince then jumped inside boat, quick using his hooves as a paddle. Little Star, Olivia, Brain and Grey Hoof saw Mighty running after the prince, quickly following him. In panic they all started to run the closest as possible to the end of the cruise, ready to try a leap of faith.
Nopony could predict what happened next: Little Star, Mighty, Olivia, Brain and Grey Hoof all jumped together from the ship. The prince could only look up as the five ponies fell upon him.
“This is going to hurt...” were the Prince last words. Each of the ponies feel hard on the boat, right on top of the prince. The impact was strong and their combined weight proved too great: the life boat sunk, bringing down all of his occupants into the sea.
Light approached to see what had just happened: before he could think about doing something (such as throwing something for them to grab), the strong waves quickly swallowed each one of the survivors, only leaving him and Midnight on the ship. Horrified at what had just happened through his eyes, he simply looked down.
Midnight also could only stare… but for a different reason. She suddenly started laughing manically, saying: “Ha ha ha! I don’t believe it: all of the leeches drowned on the same boat!”
She quickly ran towards the side of the boat, wanting to see what remained from the group of six ponies. She jumped at the security bars, grabbing them with force. The impact was loud, the bars seemingly loose. She didn't notice it however, approaching Light and giving him a tap on his shoulder: “See, Mr. Nice Stallion? I told you that they all deserved to drown. Ah, you have no idea how happy I am with the way things have gone! Why, I would die just to watch it again!”
It seems that destiny suddenly accepted her offer: a great wave had just hit the ship on the other side, the whole cruise trembling. Light and Midnight suddenly lost balance, struggling themselves to hold at the side bars. And while this happened, Midnight kept gloating: “As I was saying… you cannot believe... how happy I am... with how things unfolded! Ah I am so happy I COOOOUULLLLDDD…!” She shouted, as the side bars proved to don't be strong enough to contain their both weight and the impact from before... suddenly breaking apart.
“WHAT THE FEEEAAATHEEER?!” was the last thing Midnight could scream before rolling outside of the ship, head first on the ocean. Light was also pushed outside the ship, he falling with half inside the deck, the other looking at the ocean. He could just see Midnight falling and screaming, she being quickly engulfed by the ocean.
Standing on his last legs (literally!), Light looked at the horror of his situation: he was the last one remaining. All others had fallen into the ocean. He was left there all alone. Would his reward for caring about others be to leave this world alone? He just couldn't how quickly the tragedy happened through his eyes... even through a part of him thought that somehow they could have survived.
Light gathered his strength, trying to put his body at a standing position. The cruise was now more stable, but almost fully sunk: the previous sectors were already taken by water. There was only one place to go now...
Light was currently sitting near the sail, at the tallest place of the ship. He had separated a huge piece of wood, probably broken from the cruise during the chaos: when the ship finished sinking he would simply lie down on top of it, see where the ocean would take him. It wasn't the best survival plan... but what else could he do?
The ship had been entirely gobbled by the water: only the little top deck and the pole remained outside of it. There were also several pieces of wood floating around, remains of the catastrophe which had just happened. Water was going up, having successfully taken the hardest parts of the ship. The only good thing is that the waves seemed to have finally calmed themselves, giving a somewhat relaxing feeling.
Light only lied down, like waiting for the ending. He was getting there of waiting, but he still had some hope that something would save him. If not, he would try to make do with his backup plan.
Light closed his eyes, silently praying. Deep down he wished to be spared, but he didn't want to enforce his will upon his deity. Whatever happened, he was sure there would be a purpose. But perhaps it was not for him to know.
So he stood lying down there, watching the sun. He wasn't sure of how much time had passed... or if he had fallen asleep while he was there. But perhaps it was time to put his plan into action. He crawled on top of the wood board, lying on top of it. If the top deck was taken by the water he would still have this board to stay.
He wasn't sure if this would do any good, but again, what could he do? He then closed his eyes, letting his fatigue take over himself...
Light was sudden awaken by the sound that resembled a plane. When he opened his eyes there were three lines of smoke cutting through the sky. They were quickly approaching the area, zigzagging through the air like they were searching for something. Gathering the strength he still had, Light used his hoof to help blocking the sun, getting a better look: they were the famous military group of Equestria, the Wonderbolts! How they made that sound he had no idea.
“Could this be?” Light asked to himself. Talk about luck... or perhaps there was someone really taking care of him.
The Wonderbolts started to fly lower, doing cycles towards the region and looking through the scattered pieces of wood floating on the water. The leader of them, Spitfire, noticed what seemed to be a white stallion floating on a piece of wood.
The yellow mare approached quickly, stopping in mid-air near him. She stopped a little, checking his state: “Hey there stallion. Tell me: are you the only survivor around here?”
“I… I am not sure. There were other seven ponies, but they fell into water.” Light answered, looking sad and tired. He then asked: “How did you find me?”
“Well, you see… some of the pegasi who escaped warned the coast pony guard of what had happened. They relayed the news to princess Celestia, who dispatched us to recon and rescue any possible survivors. There is currently an entire fleet of ships coming here, to help search the area for everypony that we can find.” Spitfire explained, giving a reassuring smile.
“I understand. Thank you a lot for coming for us!” Light answered, quickly giving her a few nods out of gratitude. He was very happy, just the thought of getting out of here was enough to make him overjoyed.
“You're welcome, but we have to be fast. Grab me fiercely, for I am going to take you back to the rescue ship. My friends here will continue searching for the others.” Spitfire said, turning herself so Light could get on top of her. “Hold tight, the ride may be a bit fast!”
Light grabbed her, holding her with all his strength. Being pretty strong, Spitfire showed just a minor discomfort in carrying the stallion on her back. She managed to fly him away from the place of disaster with ease, ending what seemed to be several hours of doubt and questions...
From the eight ponies that stood besides the lifeboat, only one of came back. Those who heard the story could just wonder if it was luck, the protection of a divine being or just logic that allowed him to survive. Nevertheless, the fact remained that he was still alive.
The search groups managed to find ponies who were drifting on the lifeboats, bringing them to safety. They also managed to find ponies near the wreckage, who had escaped the water by grabbing into pieces of debris and floating away. There were no news about his seven 'companions' however.
Light was properly fed and muffled, just like the other rescued ponies. His return home was tough however, still shocked of staring the final fate so closely. He couldn't stop thinking about how it was a miracle that he left alive.
Some time passed. Back at home, the words 'Did it really have to end this way?' would ponder into Light's mind many times, especially when he was alone at bed. And no matter how many times he thought about it, he would always come to the same conclusion: that no, it didn't. Everypony could have gotten out alive if at least another pony had offered to stay. But their flaws in the end proved to surpass their empathy, which was what brought their doom. The same was true for Midnight, who had been blessed with life only to give it away. She let her hate of the world cloud her judgement, perhaps in the end taking from her what she had offered. Regardless of what was their fate, he could just feel pity for them.
Deep inside he didn't regret his actions. Still, those thoughts kept bothering him for a long time: how much he wished he had thought of another way to solve it, one which would allow everypony else to live. There should have been another way. But then... perhaps there wasn't. Life doesn't work as we wish it does.
All the newspapers took the history of the sinking ship. They would keep pestering the survivors, getting and printing multiple accounts of how they managed to survive against such odds, the history of Light being between them.
The newspapers main headlines would call those ponies winners, victors for actually living through such difficulty. But Light knew that his victory was not in surviving. His victory was a moral one, because he managed to put the others lives besides himself. Who knows, perhaps there was a reason for what happened. Or maybe it wasn't. Regardless, he felt that his tale may actually have touched some hearts. This thought was a relief, but he also knew that it was a matter of faith.
The End
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Bleh. Your dialogue is just... flat. None of the ponies act like they're on a sinking boat, discussing who gets to die or not. They just calmly state their opinions one at a time. None of the ponies have any emotion; it reads like they're all holding scripts and reading in a monotone voice so they can memorize their lines. Not to mention the death scenes are filled with unhealthy levels of narm.
At the very least, you've got a firm grasp of the English language. Bonus points for that; bad fanfics are normally unreadable due to glaring spelling and grammar errors.
If there's one thing that never works in FiM fics, it's religion. I too am a Christian, but it's never a good idea to put in religious ideals in MLP:FiM at all, even in fics. When we read fics of FiM, we don't want to read stuff like this at all. Religion in MLP is pretty much a very bad idea all around and there's no need for stories like this. It's nice to have a bit of a redemption story, but bringing in religious views is what kills it. I understand your values and all, but stories like this are not well received. Expect a lot of thumbs down and hate messages. I'd recommend taking this story down and just leaving it in the scrapyard.
This is just ugly. Your description is terrible (you really don't need to state this is a Christian fic. That made me go in to this with high expectations), your dialogue is ATROCIOUS, your characters are terrible, and this fic is just blah, in general.
Also, don't mix religion with ponies.
1065427
The 'point' of this fic, when you get down to it, is 'Be Christian or you're gonna die'.
To the author:
denver.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw6160-ThisIsHowSmartYouLook-2.gif
Including religion in this was completely and utterly pointless, and did nothing but further alienate any potential readers you may have gotten. You're Christian - okay, cool. Leave that out of your fanfiction. Religion (especially real-world religion) serves no purpose in pony fanfiction, and your attempt at implementing it was poorly done. It came across as a very shallow message essentially amounting to "My religion is better than yours".
The writing, in general, was poor, and the dialogue left much to be desired. If you ever make another attempt at fanfiction, do not include your religion. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.
In addition, THIS part of your synopsis?
That's woefully idiotic on your behalf. You're basically implying that Christians can't enjoy writing that doesn't involve Christianity in any way, shape, or form, and such thinking is both laughable and unwelcome in today's society.
Just basically what everyone else said. Including Real Life religion in Equestria is bad news. It'd be fun to explore what would happen if Religion was introduced besides worshiping Celestia, but that's for another time. Just...leave out real world religion. it's bad news.
Look, mate, I'll sympathize with you for a moment.
I laud your courage to be so open with your views--that's really admirable, and I'm glad you're proud--but there's a certain finesse that should probably be tackled.
A "Christian" fic should probably not open with "This is Christian".
Ideally, you wouldn't have to tell the audience.
Ideally, every Christian message would be handled with symbolism, double meanings, and subtlety. Most people on this site will probably not pick up on them, of course, but that is kinda the point. I recommend looking at Cormac McCarthy, Tolkien, and C.S. Lewis for good examples (and not Lewis' apologist work--his Cosmic Trilogy).
That being said, you'll get better at mechanics if you find some people to write with--some people you can trust for critique and whatnot. There'll also be a better quality of critique if you give people other things to harp on than your religion, which should be high in your priorities as an aspiring author.
TL;DR: As a Christian Existentialist, I understand that Christianity is going to influence your works regardless of how you handle them, but you should really look into weaving them into the story rather than announcing it. You know--Show versus Tell except thematically.
Good luck and Godspeed, mate.
Deceased.
Almost as bad as the bible... Almost.
I appreciate the message and everything but I agree with what everyone else said. Religion is best left out when writing a fanfic.
"In the middle of the Equestrian Ocean there was a ship sailing… or should I say sinking? The luxury cruise had just been hit by a wild sea serpent. The creature gave the ship a single powerful strike with his pointy tail, breaking the hull and letting water enter quickly." Really? Nothing? Just jumping straight into it?
'pairs of wings'. Is that more than one? A typo? What?
"Most of the population of the luxury cruise was earth ponies, however." Why? Do earth ponies just like boats better or something?
"His name was Grey Hoof" STORY OF THE BLANKS OHMYGODOHMYGOD I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE LAWL.
"She was none other than Little Star, famous singer and one of the biggest celebrities in Equestria." What? Who? You can't just pull something like that out of your ass bub.
I honestly can't read anymore. I don't care what happens to these characters so why should I care about what I'm reading?
Look, I can see you're trying, but this isn't interesting. I don't care about OCs and I really don't care about religion. So when you add those two up, you get a big pile of no one is going to read this shit.
Also, pet peeve, NEVER PUT YOUR STUPID OC IN YOUR COVER. IT'S ASS.
This isn't an MLP fanfic - this is a Christan moral tale/tract thinly disguised as an MLP fanfic, and as such, it really has no place on this site. That being said, others have already noted the main problems with it writing-wise, but I have a few theological problems here.
#1. Christianity is not about being good or having a "clean conscience" like Light, it's about finally waking up to what a loser you are and how you're no better than the worst person in the world, skull earrings and all. And by "you" I mean "me", of course - realizing that I have literally zero basis for superiority in God's eyes was the best day of my life.
#2. Point me to that Bible verse that says rock music is bad? It's about rebelling against the system and overturning the status quo - two things that Jesus loved to do. A minor quibble, I know, but it's one of my pet peeves. Plus skull earrings are awesome. Jesus invented skulls. I think he likes skull earrings.
#3. I'm assuming the boat is a metaphor for us all dying and going to our final deserts. But if Light is filled with the love of God, why was he so apathetic about them all going to destruction? How could he have a clear conscience after watching six people die (even metaphorically) and not trying to save them? As the song says, where is the love, the love, the love?
I'm sorry to tear your story to shreds like this, especially since you're already getting it from everyone else and I'm just piling on more and more. But do think on what I said, read the Bible and see if you agree, and find some quality Christian fiction, or fiction by Christians, even better. CS Lewis, GK Chesterton, Jan Karon, and George MacDonald come to mind. Good luck in your future writing adventures, and try to write an actual MLP story next time around!
I do not know if this fic was really 'necessary'
The Christian thing is fine for me, if you feel like add it you sure can do that. However, use a not-so-long ago disaster where people actually died to carry a Friendship is magic story seems wrong.
I mean, you really could replace the character with humans, ducks, deers or two-headed cows. It would not be much different. It is still a quite quite generic story who had done a lot of times before. Not bad, but just wrong in this context. And then, they're little faux pas. Like near the end where Midnight just slips on a bucket and dies. Fate killed her? The creator killed her? Because she was just an idiot? This scene was very flat.
Sorry, no hoof of approval for this one.
With some serious work and a decent amount of recreation of the characters and plot, you could have made this into quite a nice pony-parable. (Parable, is that the right term?
) However, I couldn't help but feel all of the characters would have behaved differently in these circumstances. The dialogue was wooden as well, and there was no real sense of urgency or emergency. The Christian theme was also incredibly strong, and although this is a Christian fic, it could have been dealt with a little more tactfully. I know if I was a Christian, I wouldn't walk away with a clean conscience. I've seen someone get stabbed, and I know if I had known they would have been stabbed, I would have definitely tried to save them, regardless of their religion, opinion or age. Life is life, and deserves to be preserved. But keep trying, eventually you will write a pretty good fic if you take aboard the advice offered. Mail me if you need 
i.imgur.com/RNvHE.jpg
You're too attached to your OC, Light, so much that you developed him much more than your other OCs.
At my first fanfic I have simply ignored most of the comments. This time however I will try to reply to each of you individually.
1065411
So it needs more emotion? I will keep that in mind in my next fic. Also thanks for the grammar compliment, even through you didn't like it.
1065427
Thank you.
1065429
Why it's not a good idea to cross religion with Mlp? Just got curious there. Also I really don't mind thumbs down and hate messages, so don't worry about it.
1065445
So you came with high expectations, even through you believe that ponies and religion don't mix?
1065477
Nope. You missed it. I will show you what the main idea is. Do you see the word "Sacrifice" in the short description? And on the long description? And on Light speech and the conclusion of the history? The Christian survived because he choose to do the sacrifice, not just because he was a Christian. And he choose to do the sacrifice because that was what his heart and faith told him so. Then why he was a Christian? To show how Christians should act.
Sorry but I disagree: the point of religion in this fanfic was to show that faith helps us in making the right decision and gives us the strength to carry on. And before you begin: no, I am not implying that atheists cannot do the right thing.
I accept the flaws you mentioned in the writing but complaining about the religion theme is silly. It was pretty clear it would be a major theme: you read it because you wanted to.
And lastly... how did you get that? I said I made this fanfiction for Christian bronies, something they can enjoy and nothing else. The funny thing is: I used this same phrase in my other story and nobody pointed it out. Are you sure you aren't seeking things just to get mad?
1065504
Thank you for your comment. But I enjoy writing and publishing them. Don't worry through, I give plenty of warnings for people who don't like them.
1065559
First, thank you for your compliment. ^-^
I won't lie: I really was pretty open with it. Why? So people who didn't like the subject wouldn't read it. While I know that this reduces the potential amount of viewers, I believe there is two types of religious stories: preaching (to convert others) and fortifying (to solidify one faith). When I made this fanfic I wanted to approach the second type.
I must say that your symbolism and subtlety approaches is something that I would like to try in the future. Still the problem that I see with it is that people would get the meaning that most suit themselves... which probably wouldn't be the true point of the story.
But I am sure it doesn't hurt to try. I will give it a shot in the future.
1065720
If you don't like the bible... why are you reading a Christian history?
1065737
You should have run faster... you still had time to left a comment.
1065771
You're welcome. But I disagree on the last part.
1065890
Yes, going right on the important stuff.
Also yes, it was a typo.
I consider that most of the ponies in Equestria are earth ponies, so that explains it.
Really? This didn't even cross my mind.
About Little Star... I didn't know that canon had already established every last famous pony on the world of Equestria.
I have a Fluttershy Christian fanfic on my profile. Would that be better?
I respectfully disagree: look at the thumbs up and down. Also look on this comment session. Obviously a lot of people have read it. Not all of them enjoyed, was expected, but it did bring attention.
The OC served like an additional warning, like I had said: This story is going to contains Christianity and OCs. And I guess it worked: this story got a lot less hate than my other one.
1065954
Huh, why do you say so? Fanfics can be moral tales as far as I know. And you said you could replace the ponies for humans... so many official episodes could too. I didn't write a human fanfic, I took the world of Equestria and explained how the ship was attacked, what happened to the population while keeping the pony population into mind.
1 – Nowhere I implied that Christianity is just that. And Christianity isn't just what you said either.
2 – Nowhere I implied that rock is bad. That would be the same thing as saying that I hate teachers, scientists, athletes, princes, pop stars and mothers just because they died. They didn't die because of what they do... they died because of their attitudes, because they just couldn't bring themselves to care about the others.
3 – As I said, when they fell into the ocean they were quickly swallowed. There was just nothing to be done. And also he did think about what happened as you can see in the conclusion: he wanted it to end differently, but for the actions of others it wasn't possible.
While I appreciate your review, you know that even if I posted a famous story of Christianity there would still be haters. Because for most people the problem isn't with the story... it's with the message. This isn't a excuse for me to don't seek improvement, through.
When I write something with Christianity on it, I know people will be extra harsh with it. And it's not all that bad: I have received criticism and feedback that most people don't bother to share, things that allow me to keep improving. I also have made friends from those discussions, so I really want to thank you and everybody else for your reviews!
1066167
1066366
I believe that yes, they are. I think that relaying morals like 'sacrifice' and 'selfless' never get old.
I am confused... do you mean the cruise pic on the story? If that's so, I just typed 'sinking cruise' on Google and picked the one picture that looked the best one. I made the story first, then I searched for a picture.
You said they could be replaced by any other thing, right? While I agree that the main idea could be adapted to fit other stories, I did make the necessary corrections for it to fit in the Mlp universe. And it's also possible to replace some Mlp official episodes with other races, so I don't see this as a biggie.
And Midnight died because... do you know when people go near a car crash just to look at disaster... and also get run over as result? That was technically what happened.
Still, thanks for your review. At least you gave it a chance.
1066430
Sure is.
About the characters... their reasons were moved by their professions, yes, but there was one thing that they all carried: “They thought only about themselves and what was important to them.”
Perhaps I could have put more space to show the situation was pressing. My bad there.
Also the Christian theme was too strong for a Christian fanfic? What do you exactly mean?
And lastly... why wouldn't you walk away with a clear conscience? You warned them: 'get out of here, that cook is going to slip and accidentally throw the knife at you'. They didn't move because they didn't want to. You may feel bad, pity for them... but really it wasn't your fault. But thanks for the encouragement, I will keep making them.
Also how is going your Muslim Rarity fanfic?
1066453
I love this pic.
1067938
Yes, Light did get more screen time than the others. That was because he was the one who survived and the one who would relay the moral to the readers. ^^
1069983
Why so sad?
===
Fun fact: This reply could be uploaded as a story. XD
1072637
Sure is. About the characters... their reasons were moved by their professions, yes, but there was one thing that they all carried: “They thought only about themselves and what was important to them.”
I understand that, but it kinda killed the story when everyone left aboard the ship was greedy and arrogant (broadly speaking) apart from the main character.
Perhaps I could have put more space to show the situation was pressing. My bad there.
Taking the time to develop the story can do it wonders. If it feels like you are actually there, it's much more effective!
Also the Christian theme was too strong for a Christian fanfic? What do you exactly mean?
It could just be dealt with more subtly, that's all I meant. It's your fanfic, do with it what you will, but the message will be more effective if it is more subtle.
And lastly... why wouldn't you walk away with a clear conscience? You warned them: 'get out of here, that cook is going to slip and accidentally throw the knife at you'. They didn't move because they didn't want to. You may feel bad, pity for them... but really it wasn't your fault. But thanks for the encouragement, I will keep making them.
Still, if I was aboard a sinking boat, and everyone but me died, I would feel guilty. It's a mental trauma that victims of major accidents go through. By all means, carry on! I would offer more advice, but I just got hit by a runaway car, my hand is pretty mashed up, and I typed this with one finger on the way to the hospital.
Also how is going your Muslim Rarity fanfic?
1072660
I understand that, but it kinda killed the story when everyone left aboard the ship was greedy and arrogant (broadly speaking) apart from the main character.
It's because the main character was the one who would set the example. There is also another reason: each of them was given a different excuse to why they should survive.
It could just be dealt with more subtly, that's all I meant. It's your fanfic, do with it what you will, but the message will be more effective if it is more subtle.
How more subtle it should be... without removing the faith and Christian factor from it?
Still, if I was aboard a sinking boat, and everyone but me died, I would feel guilty. It's a mental trauma that victims of major accidents go through. By all means, carry on! I would offer more advice, but I just got hit by a runaway car, my hand is pretty mashed up, and I typed this with one finger on the way to the hospital.
No problem. I agree that people sometimes feel guilty for things that aren't their fault. Well, the character felt bad... but not to the point of getting Survivor guilty.
Thanks for your comment.
>Story is implying Christianity is best religion, by making people unselfish.
>Not going to drop the Crusades, or Inquisitions, because author would counter with charities, and all the good stuff religion has done.
You know, religion is like a penis. You don't show it off in public, and you don't force it down people's throats. I find this an example of both. Public showing, and throat-shoving.
1073332
I disagree that I cannot show my religion. If I want to wear a cross that is my choice. But I am not shoving it through anybody throats: there is a big cross on the image alongside a warning.
If I don't like zombie stories, I wouldn't read stories about zombies. If you aren't Christian... what are you doing here?
Because I found it hilarious.
1073379
Well, at least you were sincere.
Your writing could use some work, especially the setup, but I liked the message and the Symbolism. Each symbolized a part of society. Fame, Youth, Education, Science, Leaders, Parents, Rebels, and Religious Folk. The first six continuously fight about who is the least important, and in the end, their squabling meant their death, none of them being able to put aside their life for the greater good of society they say they are needed to protect/advance. The Rebel's (Midnight's) death, although necessary of the overall message, was handled clumsily, it seemed a little forced, maybe having another scene between the boat disaster and rescue would make it better. Still, Good Job.
1073655
Thank you for your comment.
Yes, you got why they each received different classes and why Midnight died in the end. I have been trying to improve and your feedback is sure going to help me in my objective. So thank you again.
1073751
Thank you.
It's not that harsh criticism doesn't affect me: I really feel bad when I receive so much anger. However fighting anger with anger never worked, so I try to avoid it.
But what exactly does Charlie Brown mean? Is it the same was being more subtle?
Why is your Jesus pony OC white? Jesus was a a Middle-Eastern Jew, making it impossible for him to be white. He was most likely a darkish brown or a pale brown. Just throwing it out there.
1076105
Ah, my OC isn't Jesus.
He is white to symbolize Light.
Still, I think this would go like the "Would Twilight be black if she was human?" debate.
1074864
Well, the problem I have with being more subtle is that:
A) Announcing it's Christian let's people who are Christian to see it easily.
)
B) Announcing it's Christian let's people who aren't Christian to avoid it easily. (well, this part I am not sure if it's working
While I could remove, for example, the warnings at the entrance I don't see much else I could remove. One of the themes of the fanfic is faith... so I can't remove it. And if I remove the Christ it wouldn't be a Christian fanfic.
I know this would makes things a lot easier for me. Still, I think that sincerity is the best policy.
...
This is just... bleh.
I'm going this comment the same way you started your fic: I'm Mormon, and I write Mormon fics. I've yet to see any other Mormon-doctrine-oriented fics (Book of Friendship is awesome, but doesn't count), and I'm glad about that. Why?
Because this seems to be all that comes out of a religiously motivated fanfic. Weak characters getting their proverbial shit wrecked. Straw men (sic: straw ponies) getting torched by some faithful motherfucker's dialogue.
The only interesting thing about this was that you didn't convert the rebellious teen by the end, opting to turn her into fish food because that's so much more illustrative of your point.
Your grammar needed work too.
Irony of destiny... Really? Fucking really?
If anyone else were to write this, and this is the worst way to review any piece of fiction ever and I'm only making an exception to what is almost certainly a rule somewhere, it would have...
- Had a romantic subtext between Light and Midnight that didn't end tragically... or 'ironically'...
- Involved a subversion of faith, specifically, the unfaithful ponies would have entered the boat in an orderly fashion... but would attempt to fit in one more passenger than directed.
- A lot less ponies would have died.
And for the record: a fanfic doesn't have to be explicitly Christian for it to be Christian in thought.
I'm writing/have-wrote/am-working-on a story that, by all rights, is heavily grounded in ideas based on the Mormon religion.
It's about nine people being resurrected as horned creatures on a planet in space that is based on the human state of mind.
Saying it's Mormon takes the fun out of it, doesn't it?
In my opinion, the point where I could not stand the message being conveyed by this fic was when Midnight slipped. Just... you realize Jesus was a rebel, right?
First, thanks for the comment.
Yes, it's a religious fanfic. That was pretty clear and I didn't hide it a bit.
Some of the points you made I already explained in this comment section. First things first, each of the ponies actually represented an idea. Each was made based on a different appeal, a different reason on why they should survive and the others die. A strawman is a weakened version of an argument... well I don't think I weakened any of them. In fact when I wrote this fanfic I gave each of them very good reasons to survive. I took them from real people, during one of those motivational courses at my job. Some of the characters were more jerkish than others... but that is because people are. The only thing I made all of them equal was the something they lacked: compassion. This is the true reason all of them failed in the end. As you can see, they weren't straight "real ponies".
Midnight death was also explained: she died because of her lack of compassion. Could she survive? Sure, she could... but she was just too twisted in order for it. Think about it: the only reason she didn't care about saving herself was because, deep down, she hated the whole world. And she met her fate because she tried to enjoy when the world fell.
About grammar, what exactly is wrong? When I review a fanfic I try to point where are the mistakes so the owner can correct it. Of course you don't have too, but that would be more helpful than just "improve your grammar".
Are these three ideas how you would do it? If I used any of them... then that wouldn't be the point of the fanfic. What are the major themes? Three things: sacrifice, compassion and faith.
- I wouldn't put romance just for the sake of it. It could even be used to pass another moral... but really, I would rather make another fanfic just for it.
- That would change the entire message, as such it would be a completely different fanfic.
- If any of the other ponies survived then the point would be changed too. The only ponies who would be saved are those who actually managed to care about others.
Let's suppose that one of them said after Light speech: "You are right. I will stay." The other five would be saved and the three on the boat would be saved either. It would be a cute history.
But they couldn't change their opinions: because ever since the beginning they lacked compassion and were selfish. Because they were too focused on what they were that they couldn't care about the others. Realistic thinking, then yes, they could survive. But thinking about the message it would show that compassion and sacrifice weren't the only way... which would go against the main idea.
Never implied it were. I just said "This is a Christian fanfic for Christians to enjoy." That doesn't mean: Christians can only like Christian things. It means: this fanfic was made explicity for Christian people.
As for your example, if I read "This fanfic is for those who like gore" I would simply don't read it. However if I read your story and it suddenly started to show signs of gore without warning, I would probably be hurt. Of course gore is not the same as religion but I used it because I really don't have anything against Mormon fanfics. Nonetherless, there are people who get offended at the mention or symbolism of religion, so I warn in respect for them.
Midnight death was explained before. She and each of the ponies didn't fail for what they were. They failed for what they lacked.
EDIT - Also if you noticed, Light didn't exactly kill their arguments. He only showed different perspectives to them and what is more important.
1091219
Removing an entire human (err... equine) trait from the entity portraying a give point of view is exactly what "creating a straw man" is. You certainly presented their arguments in a concise (... which is actually one of the problems with this fic, but I digress) manner, but by removing the inability for them to comprehend another's point of view, you have created what is, by all definitions, a series of straw men.
Midnight's death was explained. The explanation is still problematic, though. Perhaps it is only my own experience as a rebellious teen, but there really aren't people that have zero compassion, or have a deep-seated hatred for the world at large. Now, that is not a definitive statement, I'm sure there are people with the belief that, frankly, 'everbody can just go fuck themselves', but presenting the one teen with a rebellious attitude as this sort of person is again, presenting the reader with a straw man. It's the equivocation that's key here. You're implying that faith is the basis of compassion by removing faith and compassion from the other arguments.
If I had the time, and the personal interest in helping you get your word spread, I'd go through the grammatical issues of this fic, but they pale in comparison to all the other problems I've gone on about. In a (run-on) sentence, they range from simply running over a word, uses spell-check to guess at the spelling of words you didn't know the exact of spelling of at the time, and... awkward prose.
I would use those elements to express the themes presented in the fic because they all either rely on or reinforce those themes.
- Romance draws on the faith in two beings to work together, and their understanding of one another (compassion).
- An unwillingness to believe in the posted directive is a lack of faith, one level...
Admittedly, having more survivors than the faithful Light does not have as much bearing on the expression of the themes... but it would allow us to see some actual compassion towards the end. Light wanted them to survive, did he not? That was the basis for his compassion.
No-one simply lacks compassion. They may reserve it for those they care about, but it is not in their nature to be robotic facilitators of ideology, completely unwilling to acknowledge the right to live of another caste, creed, or... job....
Finally, we are all what we have been given. What we've been taught, the opportunities that we took up in our early years...
You can't say that the lack of something is not a character trait. Or... actually, what the hell do by this? We are what we lack...
Of course Light didn't fight their arguments. He just presented his own belief, and whaddya know? It was appealing to our innate sense of compassion. That's Straw Man 101. Don't fight their arguments, appeal to the ideals of the reader while implying these ideals are not present in the straw man.
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I think you are mistaking what a Strawman is. As I said before, using a Strawman is making a superficial argument and misrepresenting them. Their arguments weren't superficial, nor did they get broken. The characters were superficial... that is the difference.
And why they were superficial? Because as explained, they aren't real ponies. For example, let's pick the prince. The prince represents authority. Is authority compassive? By itself, of course not.
Now is authority a Strawman? Well, I will let you decide. In my opinion, no. It's just something abstract, so of course it cannot show emotion.
But now let's pick faithful. Is faith compassive by itself? Based in the core beliefs of Christianity... yes it is. True faith needs you to be compassive. Of course this does not imply that only those who have faith can show compassion... it implies that those who have true faith are compassive.
That still doesn't help me much in matter of grammar.
As I said, Romance just wasn't needed for the overall message, it's pretty solid as it is. Besides I don't feel like shipping my main character.
This I already explained on this post.
Presenting an argument and beating it doesn't mean it is a Strawman. It needs to be a weakened version of it. Their arguments were firm as stone and so were their concepts. They lost because their concepts, by itself, doesn't require compassion. And the concept of faith, taking Christianity into account requires it. Of course I am not saying this only applies to Christianity, but you have to remember that this is a Christian fanfic.
I'm going to ignore the Christian theme to this because it honestly feels shoehorned in to turn this into some kind of morality tale. I'm also pretty sure that was your original intent.
First off the good. Your spelling and grammar appear to be okay, I couldn't find any glaring issues so marks on that one. Your structure is also good. Spaces between actual paragraphs and all which is a big step above the normal drek we get here. However, that's where the good ends and we head to the badness.
Where do I start?
Your characters are flat and 1-dimensional but then maybe this was your intent. They've got no characterisation other than whatever superficial attributes you've given them. They don't feel real and feel more like what a believer imagines a non-believer to be. Then your OC and possible stand-in for yourself Light seems to be the only one with a hint of personality but then again this might simply be because he's you and you're putting a little more effort into writing him.
Next we have the dialogue. Oh boy. Nobody talks like that. Seriously, it's bad. The writing you have would be more at home on a stage and even then it might not go over as well as you might hope. None of the characters talk naturally, again this might simply be your intent to make them as simple as possible. I'll admit that writing dialogue is difficult but you should at least try to make it sound real.
Then the circumstances that lead to this happening was a little strange. The serpent got angry attacked the ship and made sure that half the lifeboats were damaged before just leaving. The destroying the lifeboats indicates intent yet once this happens the serpent simply swims away. That's not consistent.
And finally the ending. How convenient that the religious guy is the only one to survive. I mean the ship was sinking so quickly, yet all the ponies besides himself die and yet the boat takes enough time to sink so that the Wonderbolts can save him. That's a Deus ex Machina if I ever heard one.
As a fanfic standing on it's own merits, it fails. It's boring, dull and predictable.
As a Christian fanfic I guess it serves it's purpose in that there's a message but the only ones that will appreciate it, enjoy it and understand it are those that already have faith to begin with. This is not going to reach the unsaved assuming of course that was your intent. You'd have better luck writing something a little less heavy handed, relying on allegory instead of in your face type preaching.
Uh... nothing against adding religious themes to a story, but the last time I saw someone try was "Prayer Ponies: Friendship Is Through Jesus." It was one of the single worst things I've ever read, and the heavy-handed Christian propaganda only worked to its detriment. And no, I'm not bashing it because of those themes. Just... look it up. It doesn't exist in its original form anymore, to my knowledge, but just reading any of the riffs available should tell you that it is an abomination unto God.
My point, I suppose, is that religion in pony fiction is a bit of a taboo. There are many reasons for it, the infamy of the story mentioned above being the least of them. I fear elaboration would be the trigger of a religious argument, however (another major issue with it, actually, those being so easy to start), so I'll leave it at that. For the actual literary reasons for the story's failure, I believe those above me illustrated it well enough.
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Ah ham. That is true: most people say that my grammar and structure are pretty fine. While it's not perfect, it's something that I work hard to achieve: I want people to be able to understand what I write.
That is also true. I didn't expend much time developing the other OCs, but I had a reason for that: they were 'empty', if you will. Even through I gave them names, they are symbolism used to represent different stereotypes. Still... I admit I could have put more focus into them.
About dialogue... this point I concede. Truth to be told I am not very good in putting emotion while talking.
Like other users said, it seems like the ponies are reading the 'dialogue'. I will try to improve this.
Hmmm. I agree this seems implausible putting into reality. But like others said, this is a moral tale: characters, the situation... these things exist just because of the message.
This last one is explained with the same explanation: any different ending would probably fly away from the main message.
Yes, it is predictable. Like the 'good always beat evil', for example. This I agree with you.
But truth to be told, you are wrong on your last paragraph: I didn't aim for the 'unsaved'...
"The author of this fanfic is a Christian himself and he is doing it with the purpose of making something that can be enjoyed by Christian’s fans of My Little Pony."
I made this fanfic mostly for the Christian brony community.
While this doesn't mean that I don't want non-Christians reading it, I made with the purpose of relaying a message to the Christian community: like when a Pastor or Priest preaches at a church. 
I thank you a lot for your review and will keep in mind about the dialogue. Thanks again!
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You made me lol.
It's sure is taboo. And thank you for your comment.
Yeah, I'm sorry but that makes absolutely no sense to me whatsoever.
I'll admit right off the bat, I'm not a Christian so I'm obviously not part of the demographic you're going for but that shouldn't matter in terms of telling a good story. A good story should be able to be enjoyed by everybody regardless of their personal socio-religious views. Now you can go the "safe" route by taking a story and watering down the message such as in "The Ten Commandments" but then you've also got Charlton Heston and Yul Brenner playing Moses and Pharaoh respectively or you can go for a more cohesive method with "Facing the Giants" where there is a heavy Christian message here but not a lot in the way of being preachy.
It's when you make a story or a movie only for one specific group that you wind up with the real drek in cinema where they don't need a strong story, good actors, good directing or anything else because the faithful will still see it and still say the message is great while ignoring all the faults and proclaiming the movie to be a smash. These are movies like "Left Behind" or "Suing the Devil". I've seen them both and both of them were absolute garbage not only in terms of the acting but the story as well. They weren't good examples of storytelling yet they're beloved by the born again crowd simply because they're effectively preaching to the already converted and re-enforcing what these people already believe. If this is truly what your goal is, then I guess mission accomplished. If however you're trying to tell a good story that can be appreciated by a wider audience then you need to be prepared to make some changes
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What can I say? You are right.
When I made this story, my goal was to those who were Christians. But I will need to change my style when I try to get to a wider audience. Thank you.
Well, I had come here to review this on behalf of the TWE, but it looks like I—*puts on sunglasses*—missed the boat.
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Okay that was bad attempt at humor. However, I have to agree with almost everything my comrades have said previously. Especially the point about the characters extruciatingly blasé attitude with which they discuss who should be saved.
There is a couple of grammatical problems that I saw that no one else mentioned:
* I saw a massive overuse of ellipses (...). Ellipses are a very powerful tool in a writer's arsenal, but when used too much, they begin to lose the intended effect.
* There's some very odd word choices (maybe to give it a sort of biblical feel? I dunno), and a few missing words here and there. Bonus protip: Read your story out loud to yourself, and all the weird phrasings and missing words will magically show themselves.
And as Sierra said, keep trying. You have potential to be really good at this, I think you just need some more practice.
That is all.
NATOstrike ~ TWE Railroad Maintenance Engineer
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Many TWE coming here. I guess I am popular now?
/joke
Thank you a lot for your review: I will keep it in mind.
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Oh Krishna save us, that fanfic was terrible. I'm not convinced that it's not a trollfic because it's simply too awful and has all the earmarks of a troll.
The spelling is terrible, the OC is a complete Mary Sue, the ponies acting way OOC, Rainbow Dash is somehow male and this occurs somewhere on Earth.
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Well, yeah you're now INfamous.... Your story has been added on TWE.
On another note, you can actually bring religious themes, but devellop them a bit more, maybe? Be open to other views of the world and universe too so that it doesn't look like blind propaguanda that no one will ever read (oh well, i guess you would have to be agnostic like me to do that
)
Anyway, from the comments i just saw, reading it would be a waste of time and a frustating experience. No offence.
1073808
Have you ever seen "A Charlie Brown Christmas?" If not, go watch it. Best Christmas special of all time.
I personally think MLP carries many Christian themes, but the others are right: blatant Christian tracts like this don't mix well with MLP. Subtlety is the key! Use parallels, echoes, symbolism...
-Dubs Rewatcher, TWE Grunt
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Hum, perhaps I could develop it more.
But that really isn't blind propaganda.
If you want we can have a religious discussion.
But I do say: you probably wouldn't enjoy this fanfic. ^-^
Don't worry, I will later make a fanfic with aim to the non-Christian folk.
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Never did. I will sure try to do it.
And I will remember it. ^-^
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Religious discussion? Anytime! But don't expect me to go easy on you.
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Neither do you.
Just hang me a P.M. about any issue you want.
I think the problem here is that human religion in Equestria would work about as well as a group of humans (in present day Earth) worshipping a pair of winged unicorns who make the sun and moon rise. If you want to keep the Christian values in there, that's fine, because then, you're basing the actions of your characters from their morals (which are present on Earth AND Equestria) and not an allegiance of faith (with only exists in one world and not the other).
Just my two cents.