Rainbow slowly stirred from her sleep. As she tried to stand up from the position she had been sleeping in, she found that one of her fore hooves had become a lot heavier. She looked at the hoof and saw something really obvious. Ice? I have hooves made of ice? That’s not what I expected. She looked down and saw that Scootaloo was still sleeping peacefully on the tree house floor. Good, at least she’s still sleeping. Rainbow walked outside and looked to the horizon. The sun was just rising. Gee, I really didn’t get a lot of sleep. Though I know why, but still, this is very weird and new. She held the hoof made of ice close to her as she trotted down the slope to the ground. She looked at her hoof and then at a nearby tree. She nodded to herself and slammed the hoof straight into the tree. The ice shattered and her hoof was free again. She had no idea how this worked, so she tried something. She focused power into the hoof that had just been encased in ice. Ice started forming around the hoof in a very sharp fashion. Yup, vampony powers on that too; how come I didn’t know about this before? She shrugged and slammed her hoof into the tree again, shattering the ice, but this time there was also a very big crack in the tree itself. AJ won’t be happy about that. But who’s gonna tell her? Nopony, that’s who! She laughed to herself and didn’t hear the sound of hooves connecting with wood.
“Dash? What was that shattering noise?” Scootaloo asked as she rubbed her eyes, trying to wake up.
“Uhhh, ice hooves?” Rainbow Dash said in a worried tone. She had hoped that Scootaloo wouldn’t hear that--not that anything bad would come from it, right?
“Ice hooves? Sounds cool, what do they do?” the filly asked, still in the stupor from just waking up.
“I have no idea. I just woke up, and one of my front hooves was encased in ice for some reason, not a situation I thought I would ever wake up in. Not exactly sure what I can do with them though.” Rainbow finished and looked at Scootaloo whose expression had turned from sleepy to excited.
“Sounds AWESOME!” The orange pegasus squealed, making Rainbow close her eyes and roll them inside the eyelid as to not allow Scootaloo to see her. “Dash, I was wondering, this cool new thing you have, could you make me-“
“No.” Rainbow simply deadpanned and flew off into the sky, not wanting to have this conversation.
Scootaloo’s head turned to the ground with a frown. She’s doesn’t know why I want it, but I’ll show her, and she will make me a vampony. Because if she’s a vampony, that means being a vampony is cool, so I want to be one! Scootaloo allowed herself to smile as she went inside the tree house to get her things and get back to her parents. Maybe later she could try to get Rainbow Dash to listen to her pleas.
Rainbow Dash landed in front of the Ponyville library, and quickly made her way inside. What she saw wasn’t exactly what she had expected. Inside the library sat a very angry Twilight, her eyes bloodshot and exhausted. She looks like she went through Tartarus and back; I wonder why she looks so mad though. Rainbow asked herself as she gave Twilight a sheepish smile making the unicorn grunt in annoyance.
“Where were you?” the unicorn asked staring right into the eyes of Rainbow Dash, piercing her soul as she would put it. The look she was giving the pegasus was so intense that it made Dash shudder uncomfortably.
“I kind of slept at the Crusaders tree house, and why are you up anyway? And why do you look like you haven’t gotten any sleep whatsoever?” she said, giving Twilight an unusual smile.
“And why were you there? FOR THE RECORD, I WAS REALLY WORRIED WHEN YOU WEREN’T HERE! Oh, I was yelling, sorry. I woke up at around 1am and decided to take something small to drink. I looked into your room to make sure you were fine, but lo and behold, you had disappeared. At first I thought that you had gone downstairs or something, but when I noticed that you weren’t even in the library, I got worried and started looking for a scrying spell the whole night, and that explains the huge pile of books over there.” She waved her hoof off towards a direction in the library; Dash looked, and there was a pile of books that was literally the height of ten ponies. Rainbow really didn’t care about the amount of books, so she simply looked back at Twilight, unamused as she was. “And I was taking a break just now, staring at the door, and then you came. So now, explain, what were you doing at the treehouse?” Twilight allowed herself to attach a very angry smile on her face. How that was possible, well, only Pinkie could explain that.
“Well, I kinda wasn’t tired, due to being a vampony and all. I suddenly wanted some coffee, so I made some. Then I decided to fly off the excess energy I had. And then there was light in the tree house, and I flew down where I found Scoots all alone in there, so I asked what was wrong. Apparently her parents had a fight so she went there, and I decided to stay there to sleep. Aaaand when I was about to leave, she wanted me to turn her; I’m never going to do that. EVER!” she explained and Twilight nodded logically.
“Hmm, yeah, I supposed I could believe that. You at least have a sense of morale and didn’t turn her, but I wouldn’t expect less from you, being the element of loyalty and all.” she said to no one in particular and used her magic to get her a book which she started to skim through rather quickly.
“Thanks?” Rainbow went over to a nearby shelf to look for the latest Daring Do book, just to check if there was a new one. But sadly, there wasn’t, since she had already read all the ones currently out, which made her frown. She had still hoped, but sadly, that didn’t help her.
“Right, here it is!” Twilight exclaimed as she pointed her hoof into the book, Rainbow looked over at her. “Family—“ She was interrupted as the door to the library opened and outside stood three of their friends: Pinkie, Rarity and Fluttershy. What surprised Rainbow and Twilight the most wasn’t the fact that they were at the library, but the time that they were there!
“Hi girls! I brought Rarity and Fluttershy since I was supposed to do so. I don’t know why I shouldn’t bring Applejack, but I wasn’t meant to do that, so yeah, here are the girls and you can tell them… Oh wait you are already in your cool form. OOPS! Guess I failed on the timing, I’m sorry Dashie!” Pinkie rambled as she grabbed Rainbow Dash in a hug and went over to close the door. All the while Rarity’s jaw had figuratively hit the ground, and Fluttershy was shying into her mane.
“Ok, ok, I know what you two are thinking right now, and yes, she’s not the normal Dash. She’s a vampony, nothing wrong with her and even if she could do something, I'm well prepared for anything she might do, so trust me; I have Sun powers.” Twilight explained as she used her magic to lock the door that Pinkie had just closed.
“Does she sparkle?” Rarity asked curiously, giving them a very awkward smile; they returned it with a very flat look. “I guess not then, too bad. Rainbow would look rather good in sparkles though.” The flat looks continued.
“Rarity, please stop. That thing is so bad it makes me puke, so please stop. What surprises me the most is that you aren’t even intimidated… What about you Fluttershy? What is your reaction to this?” Rainbow asked as she turned towards the cowering pegasus.
“You look scary, b-but I know you wouldn’t ever hurt us…” she gave a very weak smile towards Rainbow who returned it wholeheartedly.
“I knew you two would take this well.” she said turning towards Twilight who smiled and nodded.
“Want me to tell them? Or are you going to do that?” Twilight asked her, instantly making Rainbow frown uncomfortably.
“Tell us what exactly? Darling, do you need any help? I could help; I would be happy to.” Rarity said as she trotted over and put a hoof on Rainbow’s back.
“Something’s wrong? Oh, my, I don’t know if I could help.” Fluttershy said very quietly but everypony in the room still heard it. Rainbow quickly moved away from the hoof extended by Rarity and nodded towards Twilight, who responded with a very clear nod.
“She has a problem… Not immediate, but she has three months. And, well, if it doesn’t get done in three months, she may as well be dead.” Rarity looked shocked, giving off a loud gasp and Fluttershy just whimpered further into her mane, and from nowhere Pinkie jumped out of nowhere hugging Rainbow Dash. “She’s a vampony and, well, she needs to turn five ponies.” Twilight stated rather clearly, this didn’t even phase Rarity in the slightest, and Fluttershy flinched.
“That’s what she needs to do? Why didn’t you say so? I would be happy to help, that form does look very appealing, and I already have the perfect ideas for a dress.” Rarity declared.
“You do know that my fangs are visible, right? And Pinkie, please get off me.” Pinkie did, and then she stood right next to Rainbow Dash wearing a smile that everypony associated with Pinkie. “There are a lot of bad things; I can’t really tell all of them, but there are a lot of bad things, and when you try to look normal, you can, but you get a very intense headache.”
“Ah, ah, ah, that’s where you're wrong Dash darling. I wouldn’t be a very good element of generosity if I couldn’t help you by getting this, let’s call it thing, and helping you any way possible.” Rainbow was taken aback at the enthusiasm from her friend, something she hadn’t expected.
“Rarity, you don’t know what you are doing,” Twilight said flatly.
“I do know what I’m doing. I’m giving myself a thing to help my friend, and I am happy to do that. How come you haven’t done so? You seem very knowledgeable about this, and considering your situation, I thought you would have already done so.” This made Twilight blush, but Rainbow had no idea what that could even mean at a statement like that, which made her annoyed.
“RARITY! You promised not to say anything, and besides that’s nothing! And as to why I haven’t done so and getting turned, well I have anti-vampony training, making me immune to this thing as you call it. There is one exception, but that’s a very impossible situation. Andl don’t go off topic. Why do you want to do this? You would be a vampony forever.” Twilight explained, still flustered by what Rarity had said. Rarity just smiled knowingly.
“Ok, I have no idea what you two are talking about here. Pinkie do you have any idea what they are talking about?” Rainbow asked turning her head towards Pinkie, who was still smiling; it was a very creepy smile. Wait, how do I even go about turning ponies? That would be great to know. Though I still don’t want to do it, it would still be good to know. Rainbow thought trying to call the mother, but, sadly, there was no response.
“I know everything~!” Pinkie sang as she jumped behind a door mysteriously disappearing from the room. All ponies just looked at the door she had disappeared into. They even felt her presence disappearing from the room.
“I wonder what that was about.” Rainbow stated out loudly.
“Yes, that was very Pinkie indeed. But now, let’s get to helping Rainbow shall we? How do we go about this?” Rarity asked, breaking the very odd silence.
“Are you one hundred percent sure?” Twilight and Rainbow said in unison. They looked at each other, laughing slightly at their synced speech.
“Oh Twilight, I see your angle. But yes, I am sure, one-hundred-percent to be accurate.” Rarity stated firmly, and the two mares just nodded. But no one of them noticed that Fluttershy had risen from her spot, coughing to get everypony’s attention.
“Uhm, excuse, sorry was I interrupting?” All mares in the room shook their collective heads. “Oh ok, because I also want to do this. I want to be nice and help my oldest friend…”
“Fluttershy, please no, I don’t want you to do this,” Rainbow said towards Fluttershy who took a very stern look onto her face.
“No! You don’t have a say in this now. You always save me and help me from everything, and that’s because you are stronger than me, but now it’s my turn to repay that favor! So I want to do this, and I want no objections from you. Is that understood?” she said, sternly staring at Rainbow. Luckily enough for Rainbow, she wasn’t using that stare.
“Uhhh… Okay.” Rainbow simply stated, but was rudely interrupted as the door to the library swung open, and there stood a young, orange pegasus filly. Rainbow grunted and looked away. “Scootaloo, I already told you, no. I won’t do it, so just go away.” Rarity and Fluttershy looked at Twilight who nodded, and they made a very small ‘oooh’ sound, understanding what Rainbow was talking about.
“Rainbow you don’t understand. You HAVE to do this.” Rainbow looked at Twilight who shrugged and took Scootaloo into her magic field, trying to push her out of the library. “PLEASE! LISTEN TO ME!” she yelled as Twilight locked the door again, not understanding how Scootaloo could even open it in the first place. Banging could be heard from the library window, the banging itself coming from the exact same filly. Twilight sighed and isolated the window making it so that it made no sound from the intense banging.
“That was annoying, so, let’s get back to business!” Twilight exclaimed loudly, scaring Fluttershy and making her hide behind Rarity.
“Yeah, that, one more time, you two sure you want to do this? I don’t want you to feel guilty for not doing it.” Rainbow asked the two mares. They just nodded confidently. Great. When something inevitably happens to them because to this, I’m going to feel really guilty… Celestia damn it. Rainbow sighed, making the three other mares very confused, but they didn't say anything.
Oh hello, I heard you wanted help.
Yay, it’s the horrible oppressor of mine! Rainbow shouted in her mind. But yeah, I need help. Seems like my friends want me to turn them, and I really don’t want to, but I can’t decide for them. They are determined to go through with it. So I need help with the conversion thing. She explained to the voice.
That’s easy really, you just have to bite them in the neck and not suck blood, but try and push so to speak; this will push the vampony essence into their system. The process will require a whole night’s sleep to actually kick in. And I am so happy that you are already helping yourself help me! Oh and when you are done with this, call me again. I have a mission for you. So again, bye for now!
Still there? No? Ok good. Rainbow made a very uncomfortable smile. “I just talked to the boss, and well she explained the process thingy. I think it’s best to do it in a separate room, since I think it will look very ugly. And when you wake up tomorrow you will have turned, or that’s what she said.” Twilight nodded very matter-of-factly and the two others just looked confused.
“Boss? Who in the world of fashion is that?” Rarity asked, very interested in this new information.
“She’s just the original vampony, you know the one who created it and all that. And no, it’s not Nightmare Moon; it’s somepony else, and we have no idea who. But that’s not important, and now I need to know what you are going to do when this happens and how you will explain it to the ones closest to you. Like you Rarity, how will you explain that to Sweetie Belle? And you Fluttershy, how will you explain that to Angel? Or wait no need to explain on that one; I don’t really think he could complain, but yeah, how about Sweetie Belle?” Rainbow said to Rarity but the fashionista still held her stern look of determination.
“Angel probably would be angry at me, but he wouldn’t say anything. He respects most of the choices I make… So no, he won’t be a problem…” Fluttershy said, calm as a tree.
“Sweetie Belle also won’t be a problem. She’s my sister and will accept it just as easy as we did with you or as easily as Scootaloo did. I don’t really know how you showed her, but I am very sure my own sister wouldn’t think less of me for helping a friend.” she said while smiling towards Rainbow Dash who silently cursed at her friend’s steadfastness at doing this, and she hated it, a lot.
“Ugh, fine, let’s just get this over with. Twilight, got any place we can do this in private?” she looked at the unicorn, who simply nodded and pointed towards the kitchen. “Ok then, who’s going first?” Rainbow asked towards the two friends so very inclined to do this.
“I could go first, and then I can remove any fears from Fluttershy if it were to hurt, which I personally don’t think it will.” Rarity said and looked at Fluttershy who simply nodded.
Yes, she can go first; I don’t mind…” Fluttershy said looking out the window seeing the pegasus filly still banging the window, which still made no sound.
“Ok then Twilight; entertain Fluttershy while I do something I will most likely regret sometime in the future…” she said and trotted into the kitchen, closely followed by a smiling Rarity.
“Ok then, I have no idea what’s going to happen now, but I know what I need to do. I will give you one more chance to back out. Are you sure you want to do this?” Rainbow asked Rarity who simply sat down on a chair and smiled while nodding. Rainbow sighed. My friends are awesome for doing this, yes. But they are ruining their own lives, and I don’t want them to regret doing this… GAH! This is so annoying! Rainbow breathed slowly trying to calm down as she trotted behind Rarity getting into position, or rather what she thought was the best way to do this.
“Don’t hesitate Rainbow, just get it over quickly and then it’s done. I think it sounds pretty easy.” Rarity said very calmly, actually managing to calm Rainbow slightly as she took one last breath before slowly going in for the bite.
As her fangs tore through the surprisingly fragile skin of Rarity, the unicorn in question let out a quiet yelp, as if she got pinched in the neck. Rainbow remembered that she had to push as the mother had told her so she did. She felt some sort of mass moving from within her fangs into the veins of Rarity. It was a rather slow process, since the mass just got more annoying to push through, but then it stopped. She had pushed every ounce of mass that she needed. She pulled away from Rarity, retracting her fangs from the unicorn’s neck. Rainbow saw that there was a bite mark left on the spot she had just bitten. That’s going to be ugly, can’t I remove it somehow? Then she remembered something. She slowly gathered energy into one of her hooves, making solid ice around her hoof. She stroked a bit of ice on the bite mark, making Rarity shiver at the cold nature of the ice. And as Rainbow Dash finished stroking the mark, it had disappeared. Thank Celestia for random coincidences. She thought as she let go of the grip she had on Rarity.
“Do you feel any different?” Rainbow asked curiously, walking over to the other side of the chair to look Rarity in the eyes. The look she was giving off was a happy one.
“Yeah, I’m fine, when are you going to do it though? I felt that icy something you just did, maybe for preparation? But why are you hesitating?” This confused Rainbow; she had just bitten Rarity, but somehow she didn’t remember it? Rainbow rolled her eyes in annoyance of things she couldn’t explain.
“Rarity, you see, the thing is, I already bit you, but you seem to have forgotten it… Why are so many weird things happening?” Rarity raised an eyebrow, smiling softly.
“You did? And, me not remembering might be good thing. Since we don’t really know what the one getting bitten feels during the bite, maybe it’s something horrible? If it is, well then it’s a good thing I don’t remember anything.” she said smiling and rising from the chair. She walked over to the door to the main room of the library and looked back at Rainbow Dash who just made a small smile back at her. “Should I send in Fluttershy?” Rarity asked which made Rainbow flinch, but she recovered quickly and nodded back at the unicorn.
“Fluttershy darling, it’s your turn now. Don’t worry about the whole thing, didn’t hurt a bit,” she said to the yellow pegasus, who nodded and walked into the kitchen rather slowly.
“I’m curious here, how did the entire process go?” Twilight asked sitting in a chair with a textbook and quill ready for notes.
“I’m sorry but I don’t remember any of it; Rainbow did, but I somehow forgot. Maybe it had something to do with the whole thing, I don’t really know.” This made Twilight’s enthusiasm drop by a small amount, but not much. She used her magic to place the textbook and quill on the table right next to her, motioning for Rarity to take a seat on the nearby couch.
“Things like this always happen. I know it’s nopony’s fault, but it’s still annoying not to get any notes on these things. Rainbow is, after all, the first vampony in two hundred years, so the studying I could do is immense. And with the triple amount of vamponies running around, research will go three times as fast.” Twilight explained making Rarity give her a rather flat look.
“I suppose that’s true.” Rarity said, and then she nodded.
Their discussion was interrupted as the door to the kitchen opened and Fluttershy and Rainbow stepped out, both of them having rather calm expressions.
“Oh, hi girls, this was certainly an experience… But I have to go and do something for the boss now.” Rainbow said flatly as she quickly trotted to the door. She opened it and Twilight shouted after her as she took to the air.
“RAINBOW!” Twilight shouted, but the cyan pegasus didn’t hear her, she just flew off into the air.
“Good, now, how do I go about calling her again…” Rainbow said to herself while flying through the air. Hello! I kind of need to talk to you! You said something about a mission or something? She called out in her mind, which she thought was very redundant, when she actually thought about it.
Oh hello Alpha, I see you did in fact convert those two; I can already see their fires starting.
Fires? Rainbow asked curiously.
Yes, fires, figuratively of course, but I can still see that you did it. Ok now to the mission, I need you to go to Manehattan and get something for me. Something of high value to me.
Yes, yes, here it is... Hope you enjoy! First 4k chapter, YAY for length!
And obscessed Scoots is fun to do...
Something of high value to me. Oh the suspense
So far this is one of you best chapters I like how you change the way vampires turn people. It makes it more easyer for the vamp and his/her victim no pain!
Sucks that It ain't real though ( btw I'm a vampire)
Aww, so Rainbow won't be going around biting everything and everypony?! So sad...
1242276 Not yet
I have a "insane" part planned...
OH god, i just gave you a spoiler... GOD DAMNIT! Oh well...
That will happen after the first five though... Not soon though
Yes finally new chapter
OMG twilight said and i quote There is one exception, but that’s a very impossible situation. I SPY SOME MAGICAL THING INVOLVING TWILIGT AND RAINBOW AND A FUTURE TWILIGHT VAMPONY AND YOU CANNOT SAY NOT TO THAT YOU JUST OPENED THAT PATH ON THE STORY SO YOU BETTER FOLLOW IT
1242772 Uhh, I know? Kind of did that on purpose... I just don't get why anyone doesn't get the obvious hints I throw at the screen with every chapter...
1242848 *cough* Page Sex *cough*
1242999 I meant that more like "Secret" But oh well, I can go with yours as well...
1243017 It's very clear that Twilight want hot vampiric sex, and so that is what it will be called!
1243034 TRUE STORY BRO!
good work on everything so far. I will keep my speculations to myself.
1243162 But i want to knooooowww
1243188 give twilight some hot vampiric sex
static.tumblr.com/8em47gh/iuulzb622/twilight_loveface_by_mixermike622-small.gif
1243623, I want to hug her.
Please get the next chapter out soon... please...
24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_llbf6huKZ21qj1mtmo1_500.jpg
And Rainbows ice powers...
24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lmxf5c7tlv1qkio9oo1_1280.png
1245024 Dat last pic, true story bro...
Oh and next chapter... hopefully same time next week... I can't be 100% on that, sorry
1246217 A little sad, but then again, i don't have Prereaders/Proofreaders so I can't relate much
Warning to all new readers: This comment contains spoilers. If you don't want spoilers, DON'T read this comment!
I've finished sending you the chapters with suggested edits, and now I will be doing a critique. I must state that this is only my opinion, and it will most likely differ from other people's opinions. Also know that this critique is not meant to discourage you in any way; it is only meant to offer ways to help you. There is quite a bit of negative stuff in here; I'm just warning you.
I've also taken into consideration your age. I won't say the number here, but I will tone down my usual critiquing style to accommodate for it.
ONTO THE CRITIQUE!
Spelling and Grammar: I've already gone through and sent you chapters with suggested revisions. I also must say that, for someone who's first language isn't English, this was readable in a good way. Bravo!
There are things that you do consistently that need to be fixed and watched out for. I'll list them off now:
-Watch out for run-on sentences.
-Be careful with your comma usage; that was one thing that created a lot of run-on sentences.
-I feel that you use these words too much: but, just, which, though, however, and especially well.
That's it from there. Again, your English is good.
Prose: You tend to put a lot of dialog in one go, and then have a single action at the end of a paragraph. This not only got repetitive, but it felt odd reading it; there was this vision of a character talking a lot and then doing an action, which didn't feel natural. I would suggest starting your paragraphs with dialogue a lot less than what you're doing now.
But I must say that when you deviated from this, the variation was nice. You do have run-on sentences, though, and you do use those six words listed earlier way too much.
In general, your grammar and writing style are okay. They just need work.
Moving on to more important matters!
Atmosphere: It's alright. The darkness is good, and the mood between the characters is okay. There isn't a lot, though, much to the detriment of your story; I'll get to more on this when I get to plot.
Characters: Frustrating. Your characterization was good (for the most part), but there's something about your plot that makes them frustrating.
I must say, though . . .
I did not like how you characterized Pinkie. When she talked excitedly, it doesn't have that bounce and pep she usually has, and this fourth-wall breaking . . . I know there are fans of that, so I won't criticize you for it, but I will say that I didn't like that.
Note: I'm about to be very harsh in these next few paragraphs, and it may come off as me being very angry. I assure you again that this is not meant to discourage you in any way; it is only meant to help. If you don't want to read me being very harsh, and you want me to try and explain it in more polite terms, then please don't read further and let me know.
Plot: This is where I have most of my problems. There is one thing about this that has me going "Why?" So I need to say this thing that has had me bothered since chapter 2:
You are making it too easy.
Rainbow Dash becoming a vampony? Not really a problem to anypony as of right now. Why? Why is nopony hesitant about having a bloodsucking monster in their midst? I can't believe that Twilight Sparkle, Scootaloo, Rarity, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie and Princess Celestia would ALL accept her transformation just like that. I was expecting at least one of them to freak out--please tell me you're going to have some people NOT accept her transformation.
She has to change five others into vamponies? Not a problem; everyone's willing to throw their lives away to help her. Why? Rarity and Fluttershy both throw themselves up without hesitation! Why are they throwing their lives away for--
Oh wait, they're not. They can still go into sunlight, so no worries there! They only need blood once a month. And that's only for them to continue to use their abilities. Again, why?
And then we learn that she created a more-widespread vampony that only wants to kill. WHY? Is Twilight's source unreliable? Did that ghost make a mistake when she made them? Did she want to make a large army but lost control of their sanity and trust? You better have a good explanation for this.
Here's what I've gleamed from what's happened so far: Rainbow Dash is a vampire who can walk in sunlight and only needs blood once a month. She can look at herself in a mirror at night but not at day (is there ANY relevance to this?), and she must turn 5 other ponies into vamponies as well. Rainbow Dash struggles with the new life and task, but NO ONE ELSE is making a big deal out of this. There's no conflict right now. Rainbow Dash so far hasn't struggled to do anything because this is set up to where she has to struggle as little as possible! That's not good.
Note: the 'angry tirade' side of me is over. Again, this is not meant to discourage you in any way, and I apologize if this made you feel bad; this is only meant to help.
So in conclusion, I'm not a fan of this story. The grammar is decent, and the characterization is decent; you also have an interesting premise. But your conflict-less plot is ruining it for me; it's making the story boring, the tone not as heavy as it should be, and the characters look bad. I suggest throwing in some struggling with the outside world as soon as possible, or putting some conflict between her and other characters in this section.
Again, this is just my opinion, and you can take it as you will. You have about 21x more likes than dislikes, and that's something to be proud of. And again, this is not meant to discourage you in any way; it is only meant to say what I think of your story.
I wish you the best of your talents with the rest of this story.
1270362 Hey no worries about hurting my feelings, when I see the things you wrote here, I can see them myself... But there's not much to do on the already released chapters, I will take the advice to heart (As one should) and get better
Everything you said in that post is true, that Pinkie part was a bit too much yes, and I probably won't do it again, I just felt like doing something stupid at that moment in time
As for conflict between characters, well U am working on that... It's a bit odd I know... But, yeah the accepting rate is too damn high (sorry) yes. As I said before, I will change that in the coming updates and etc...
As for those specific words... Yeah, I do use those a lot... Never though about that, will get better, hopefully...
Thanks for the criticism, helps a evolving author like me get better
Stupid cliffhanger!!!!
P.S: u did great and I need MOAR!!!!!!
Quick nitpick, Twilight and Rainbow talk to themselves way too much.
This chapter was actually INCREDIBLY cleaned up from the previous two, sorry for any bad feels I gave you, Mr. Author
... I love you.
The relationship betwin Ranibow and the Original vampony remind me the one Alucard and Integra from TFS Hellsing Ultimate Abriedge have.
TFS - Every phone call between Alucard and Integra