Student and Teacher

by Twilight Star

6 You aren't my Marefriend, but it is somepony I consider very close

It was Hearts and Hooves Day, and Sunset Shimmer was sitting on the floor in her hips, making a card with a heart that was written inside, for my nearest pony I have. I love you. At her side was Garble. He was a newborn dragon cub. When she finished, she looked at the paper and went to Luna’s room. When she reached the door, she set the paper on the floor, knocked on the door, and hurried off to the bedroom. When the door opened, Luna saw a card on the floor. Smiling, she took the card with her magic, read it, and thought, wonder who wrote it? Was it Sunset Shimmer?

Luna entered the room to read. When she opened the card she smiled at what was written, to my nearest pony that I have. I love you.

Yes. It was Sunset Shimmer.

Luna then had an idea. She took out a paper and colored pencils she had in her room.

---

Sunset Shimmer was in her room, walking in circles, did Luna like my card? What’s was on my mind? It is obvious that she is the princess of Equestria and will not care for that.

Suddenly, Sunset Shimmer heard a knock on the door. She opened the door and saw a card on the floor. She picked up her magic and opened the card and smiled at what was written, you’re also my closest pony I’ve ever had. I love you too. Sunset Shimmer hugged the card. What she didn’t know was that Luna watched Sunset Shimmer from a distance with a smile.

Comments

[Knight of the Raven]

The spelling in this story was pleasingly proper. I didn't find a single misspelling or typo, though some words were mistakenly capitalized and others were used instead of the correct ones, along with a few words missing altogether. The tenses were respected as well, with only a few exceptions.

On the other hand, the punctuation was more miss than hit and the formatting of the paragraphs needs fine-tuning. The names of the characters were repeated much more often than necessary as well, something which using more pronouns would help.

On that note, I appreciate the absolute absence of constructs like "the unicorn," "the lunar princess," "Luna's student" and the like.

The issues I mentioned are widespread throughout the story, so I'll correct only one part of it as an example.

Sunset Shimmer and Luna finished their lunch, “Princess, can I have dessert?” Sunset Shimmer made a puppy face.

Luna smiled, “of course, my student. You can take what you want”

Sunset Shimmer went into the kitchen with a smile. She opened the refrigerator to look for the pudding. She knew that Luna made the best puddings any pony could taste. But she didn’t find, “Luna, where’s the pudding?”

“It’s in the fridge, my dear”, replied Luna.

“But it’s not here. Somepony must have eaten“, said Sunset Shimmer.

Luna went to the kitchen and saw that the pudding had really disappeared, “how strange, I swear I had put it in the fridge”

Sunset Shimmer looked at Luna with a determined look, “Princess, somepony ate your pudding, and I’ll find out who did it”

Luna smiled, “yes, I know it will”

Sunset Shimmer went to her room to get her detective outfit and her magnifying glass, “Detective Sunset is ready to solve the mysteries!”

Sunset Shimmer went into the kitchen to see if she could find a clue, and she saw that on the kitchen table there was a plate with a spoon. She examined with her magnifying glass, “hmm, I found a clue. Now I have to find out who did it "

Sunset Shimmer thought until she had an idea, I’ll make another pudding. So I can find the culprit. But I must ask the princess for help.

Sunset Shimmer went looking for Luna, and heard voices coming from the throne room, especially her mentor. As much as she wanted to go to court, she didn’t want to interrupt the court. She stood waiting for hours at the door of the throne room until the court was over. When the court ended several nobles left and Sunset Shimmer came in, “Sunset, did you ever find out who ate the pudding?”

“Not yet, princess. But I have an idea“, said Sunset Shimmer with a smile.

A little polish;

Sunset Shimmer and Luna [were finishing] their lunch.

“Princess, can I have dessert?” She made a puppy face.

Luna smiled. “Of course, my student. You can take what you want.”

Sunset Shimmer went into the kitchen with a smile. She opened the refrigerator to look for the pudding. She knew that Luna made the best puddings any pony could taste.

But she didn’t find [it].

“Luna, where’s the pudding?”

“It’s in the fridge, my dear,” she replied.

“But it’s not here. Somepony must have eaten [it],“ said Sunset Shimmer.

Luna went to the kitchen and saw that the pudding had really disappeared. “How strange, I swear I had put it in the fridge.”

Sunset Shimmer looked at her with a determined look. “Princess, somepony ate your pudding, and I’ll find out who did it.”

Luna smiled. “Yes, I know [you] will.”

She went to her room to get her detective outfit and her magnifying glass. “Detective Sunset is ready to solve the mysteries!”

She went into the kitchen to see if she could find a clue, and she saw that on the kitchen table there was a plate with a spoon. She examined with her magnifying glass. “Hmm, I found a clue. Now I have to find out who did it."

She thought until she had an idea.

I’ll make another pudding. So I can find the culprit. But I must ask the princess for help.

She went looking for Luna, and heard voices coming from the throne room, especially her mentor. As much as she wanted to go to court, she didn’t want to interrupt the court.

She stood waiting for hours at the door of the throne room until the court was over. When the court ended several nobles left and Sunset Shimmer came in, [Luna spoke].

“Sunset, did you ever find out who ate the pudding?”

“Not yet, princess. But I have an idea,“ said Sunset Shimmer with a smile.

There are more things to improve, but I'm only focusing on formatting, so to speak, and punctuation for this example.

But a story isn't only how it's written, it's also what is written.

I liked the little shared moments between them. Sunset's simple "if I trust you, why not trust [yourself]?" was precious, but there was another I liked even more: her giving Luna a card on Hearts and Hooves Day because she's the person closest to her heart, only to get worried that she simply wouldn't care, before Luna herself dispels these worries with a card of her own.