- Member Since 13th Jan, 2018
- offline last seen 17 hours ago
ShowShine
Trans 🏳️‍⚧️ He/Him| Just trying my best|Commissions are 10 USD per chapter. Dm me if you have any questions
ShowShine
Joined 13th Jan, 2018 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- DouglasTrotter · 3.8k words · 43 1 · 2k views
- Animation Crusader · 3.2k words · 42 4 · 1.4k views
- Lirg · 2.8k words · 52 3 · 1.8k views
- Massager 32 · 2k words · 11 1 · 1.8k views
- dsmenastoner · 6k words · 19 1 · 1.2k views
- Techno_Babble · 1.1k words · 56 1 · 492 views
- RainbowShyBrony · 4.5k words · 21 0 · 872 views
- Jest · 3.4k words · 31 10 · 791 views
Featured In6
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Stats
Page generated in 0.18 seconds
Total duration
1,075 users online
1,953,519 hits today, 2,054,621 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Mmm
Cute
Dawwwww.
Adorable. I love it!
Well there be more
Feels a little fast paced but very sweet.
I like this, it's about time someone did a story surrounding this idea. this is the first story I've ever seen about Chrysalis revealing that Shining Armor had a child with her.
Sequel of shenanigans between Grub and Flurry, plox
It’s a simple story, but it’s pretty good.
9670886 Oh, there have been others.
It's a Pony by Dr. Atlas.
And All That Implies by VashTheStampede
My Fluttering Heart by Titanium Dragon
This one does have a nice thread of happiness that runs all the way through it, though. Pleasant to read.
9671127
there are other ones as well, two or three old fics where the baby is sent/dropped off to Twilight's Library.
Aloud means "In a voice loud enough to be heard." according to The Cambridge English Dictionary.
Allowed, meaning permitted, is what you're looking for.
The story felt simple but it did its job well. That was very sweet at the end.
I'mma need more of this diabetes causer.
9671316
Also my 355 finished story!
Kinda too... well... dull? Simple? Barebones? It didn't have good story flow and things seemed contrived and predictable.
nice little what-if story, short and to the point but fluffy nevertheless. I like it!
I'm with the insulin crew, I need more of this diabetic fluff in my life.
Eh, not for me. Shining's thought process felt off to some degree and was damn quick to assume the freaking Princess of Love wouldn't be rational all things considered. Even without that this really didn't feel like it had much of a purpose, it just kinda started then ended. Oh, and it's "Allowed" (Given permission) not "Aloud" (audibly, loudly).
Neat story, entertaining read.
Feedback time: One thing I noticed that you use the words "child" - which is at least unusual for the setting, "foal" would be better - and "woman" - which really should be "mare" or "female".
My heart has stopped working
“Medic!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Well this would be a great story to continue, and I’m hoping you do,
9671713
I was actually thinking about making this a series
Forgive me for asking, but why pony need to shave, anyway? I mean, they are naturally covered in fur from head to tail, aren't they?
9671723
Rainbow Dash’s dad always has a five’o clock shadow so I assume that they shave
9671717
Oh, all the better, Cadance is the embodiment of love, so that is a given for her acceptance, but I could see Twilight make a mistake here, and there. Although Thorax could o e into play if needed, and his brother would be an interesting influence.
Those arnt tears their liquid pride
Awwww I can't wait for the mane six and the princesses see him. Little Prince Grub. And also King Thorax too. Will he get a Cutie mark? More please
I am not going to cry. I am not going to cry.
I'm crying. It's just too beautiful. And it's a plot point I can actually see happening in the show.
Hope to see a sequel sometime.
I now want to see where this story could go...it has interesting plot points it could hit...
Sweet.
Wholesome. Usually the stories involve things going horribly wrong but this was short, sweet and to the point. Loved it.
Building a whole story on this would definitely catch a lot of people’s eyes, but then again it’s best left to the imagination what happens later. Very well done and well deserving of the feature.
P.S.
Check at the last part of the story. Your “states” need to be changed to “stares”.
Poor kid. Rejected by his mother like that. But at least Chrysalis had the decency to send the kid to his father, instead of just keeping him and abusing him.
I wana sequel
I'm not crying I just have tears in my eyes
More Grub!
9671717
An interesting start if this becomes a series. I do like this
9671717
PLEASE WE NEED MORE GRUB! (In all seriousness you need to make this a series not just because I like Grub's personality but because.... I've never seen THIS take on Shining having a kid with Chrysalis. Most have a lot of tension and Cadence mad about the situation but you pointed out the obvious that this wasn't really Shining's fault and her and him raising Grub together is something I very much want to see)
9673474
I might make a mini series since so many people are asking. It would mainly be about Grub and his adventures
9673479
the d'awwwws have exceded maxiums safety thresholds, we cant hold out any longer captain were going into cuteness meltdown!
this isnt an original idea (theres a whole chose your own adventure comic on patreon with a similar theme) but its not in what idea you use, its in how you use it
my opinion of this one?
...i want to hug him...i want to hug him so bad! please let me hug him?
MOOAARR!
9673764
I’m gonna be writing a separate mini series soon
9672301
OH MY GOD THANK YOU! I was looking through the comments and, as usual, everyone has poor taste (awful stories with 100s of upvotes, anyone?), but at least one other person understands how writing works!!! It's so frustrating when mediocre stories get this level of attention (front page? really?) and great stories don't.
9672301
Everything that this guy said.
9673880
Much as I agree that this work has flaws, I think you calling it "mediocre" is going too far. You've missed the point of Scout Feather's original critique which was to point out the flaws of the execution, but note that it did have a good premise, which was likely the reason why it got upvoted.
To the author of this story:
As a writer of a changeling story/series that is fairly well-known, but said by critics (mostly valid especially given my early work) to be "very telly," "mediocre," "fails at storytelling" story myself, I think that A Visitor falls into a number of pitfalls for beginner writers publishing 1st draft works, (telly, pacing a bit fast, characters could be fleshed out a tad more) but otherwise has a lot of potential for improvement, or expansion as the premise is good, the fast pacing was at least consistent, and the characters had enough depth that there could be more written about them. You also went to the effort to get a good cover art, which is always important to grab attention with. Good luck to your future writing.
Lovely, but obviously overrated.
I might have given this a down if I were on some harsher wbsites.
Good one shot story, could be a great 20k word story, starting from the view point of the hive, the problems fitting in etc, travelling to Equestria, etc
Liked and followed.
Cute story.
A few things, however, should be considered:
1) There is no reason to talk about a character's morning routine unless something funny/unusual/relevant for the plot is going to happen. It's a classic beginner's mistake.
2)Dialogue is one of the most important parts of a story and could use a lot more work. Right now it feels somewhat dull, everypony sounds the same.
3)Grub is 4 years old but he can make a teleport potion and defeats a dozen Royal Guards with it. It could be a nice joke about how useless the guards are in the show, but it's not written like one. It reads like a ridiculous hand waving. Shining Armor's reaction is... zero. Why?
I think vren55 and Scout Feather said it best about an overall quality of the work.