• Member Since 13th Jan, 2018
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ShowShine


A fanfic writer who’s trying her best and message me for request

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Comments ( 63 )

Very heartwarming. Me like. :scootangel:

Adorable. I love it!

Well there be more

Feels a little fast paced but very sweet.

I like this, it's about time someone did a story surrounding this idea. this is the first story I've ever seen about Chrysalis revealing that Shining Armor had a child with her.

Sequel of shenanigans between Grub and Flurry, plox

It’s a simple story, but it’s pretty good.

Georg #11 · 6 days ago · · ·

9670886 Oh, there have been others.
It's a Pony by Dr. Atlas.
And All That Implies by VashTheStampede
My Fluttering Heart by Titanium Dragon

This one does have a nice thread of happiness that runs all the way through it, though. Pleasant to read.

9671127
there are other ones as well, two or three old fics where the baby is sent/dropped off to Twilight's Library.

“Thank you Mr. Armor, I’m never aloud to have my own things!” He exclaimed in excitement. Shining Armor smiled.

Aloud means "In a voice loud enough to be heard." according to The Cambridge English Dictionary.

Allowed, meaning permitted, is what you're looking for.

The story felt simple but it did its job well. That was very sweet at the end.

I'mma need more of this diabetes causer.

9671316
Also my 355 finished story!

Kinda too... well... dull? Simple? Barebones? It didn't have good story flow and things seemed contrived and predictable.

nice little what-if story, short and to the point but fluffy nevertheless. I like it!

I'm with the insulin crew, I need more of this diabetic fluff in my life.

Eh, not for me. Shining's thought process felt off to some degree and was damn quick to assume the freaking Princess of Love wouldn't be rational all things considered. Even without that this really didn't feel like it had much of a purpose, it just kinda started then ended. Oh, and it's "Allowed" (Given permission) not "Aloud" (audibly, loudly).

Neat story, entertaining read.

Feedback time: One thing I noticed that you use the words "child" - which is at least unusual for the setting, "foal" would be better - and "woman" - which really should be "mare" or "female".

My heart has stopped working
“Medic!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Well this would be a great story to continue, and I’m hoping you do,

9671713
I was actually thinking about making this a series

He had some dark blue peach fuzz growing. He levitated his blue razor and a can of shaving cream. Shining Armor was a creature of habit. Every morning he did the same thing. He got up, shaved, ate breakfast, showered, brushed his teeth, and went to work. It was the same almost every day. He put the razor down and looked at his freshly shaven face.

Forgive me for asking, but why pony need to shave, anyway? I mean, they are naturally covered in fur from head to tail, aren't they?

9671723
Rainbow Dash’s dad always has a five’o clock shadow so I assume that they shave

9671717
Oh, all the better, Cadance is the embodiment of love, so that is a given for her acceptance, but I could see Twilight make a mistake here, and there. Although Thorax could o e into play if needed, and his brother would be an interesting influence.

Those arnt tears their liquid pride

Awwww I can't wait for the mane six and the princesses see him. Little Prince Grub. And also King Thorax too. Will he get a Cutie mark? More please :heart:

:twilightoops: BBBFF has a Grub?
:moustache: Want me to pack your bags?
:twilightsmile: Shining & Chrysalis?
:moustache: So you're not mad?
:twilightsheepish: No I'm fine another foal sibling no problem.
:duck: How about another hybrid? A Dracony?
:twilightangry2: ARE YOU KIDDING ME!
:moustache: So much for the no problems....
:facehoof:
:raritystarry: Idea! You can preform the vows here and now :twilightoops:

I am not going to cry. I am not going to cry.
I'm crying. It's just too beautiful. And it's a plot point I can actually see happening in the show.
Hope to see a sequel sometime.

I now want to see where this story could go...it has interesting plot points it could hit...

Wholesome. Usually the stories involve things going horribly wrong but this was short, sweet and to the point. Loved it.

Building a whole story on this would definitely catch a lot of people’s eyes, but then again it’s best left to the imagination what happens later. Very well done and well deserving of the feature.

P.S.
Check at the last part of the story. Your “states” need to be changed to “stares”.

The pacing felt very rushed. I really feel like this story could have benefited from taking your idea and expanding upon it more, dragging out those scenes of their first morning together into something longer and more descriptive. The part where he called him Dad was very contrived when it should have been emotional and heartwarming. There's almost no inner dialogue, either, which I feel removed any opportunity of proper conflict or emotional turmoil. Shining Armour uncharacteristically doesn't seem to have any reaction or denial to finding out he has a son. You also could bare to lose on a lot of unnecessary details and spend more time setting a scene.

Overall, your story is very telly and has a lot of problems in the writing itself, but the actual premise is good. It just needs some more love and polishing to make it something truly great.

Poor kid. Rejected by his mother like that. But at least Chrysalis had the decency to send the kid to his father, instead of just keeping him and abusing him.

I wana sequel

I'm not crying I just have tears in my eyes

9671717
An interesting start if this becomes a series. I do like this

9671717
PLEASE WE NEED MORE GRUB! (In all seriousness you need to make this a series not just because I like Grub's personality but because.... I've never seen THIS take on Shining having a kid with Chrysalis. Most have a lot of tension and Cadence mad about the situation but you pointed out the obvious that this wasn't really Shining's fault and her and him raising Grub together is something I very much want to see)

9673474
I might make a mini series since so many people are asking. It would mainly be about Grub and his adventures

the d'awwwws have exceded maxiums safety thresholds, we cant hold out any longer captain were going into cuteness meltdown!

this isnt an original idea (theres a whole chose your own adventure comic on patreon with a similar theme) but its not in what idea you use, its in how you use it
my opinion of this one?
...i want to hug him...i want to hug him so bad! please let me hug him?
MOOAARR!

9673764
I’m gonna be writing a separate mini series soon

9672301
OH MY GOD THANK YOU! I was looking through the comments and, as usual, everyone has poor taste (awful stories with 100s of upvotes, anyone?), but at least one other person understands how writing works!!! It's so frustrating when mediocre stories get this level of attention (front page? really?) and great stories don't.

9672301
Everything that this guy said.

vren55 #49 · Last Tuesday · · 1 ·

9673880
Much as I agree that this work has flaws, I think you calling it "mediocre" is going too far. You've missed the point of Scout Feather's original critique which was to point out the flaws of the execution, but note that it did have a good premise, which was likely the reason why it got upvoted.

To the author of this story:
As a writer of a changeling story/series that is fairly well-known, but said by critics (mostly valid especially given my early work) to be "very telly," "mediocre," "fails at storytelling" story myself, I think that A Visitor falls into a number of pitfalls for beginner writers publishing 1st draft works, (telly, pacing a bit fast, characters could be fleshed out a tad more) but otherwise has a lot of potential for improvement, or expansion as the premise is good, the fast pacing was at least consistent, and the characters had enough depth that there could be more written about them. You also went to the effort to get a good cover art, which is always important to grab attention with. Good luck to your future writing.

Lovely, but obviously overrated.

I might have given this a down if I were on some harsher wbsites.

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