- Member Since 7th Oct, 2012
- offline last seen 2 hours ago
CrimsonEquine
Improvement is a dire mistress.
CrimsonEquine
Joined 7th Oct, 2012 ·
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9657937
Fixed
Why so many downvotes?
9658015
Gave a read. The whole story was really rushed and stilted. Twilight's role was completely unnecessary and seems awful for the sake of being awful. And the ending was unfulfilling. No lasting effects from the conflict just poof everything's better and everyone's happy.
9658041
What about the grammar?
9658046
The grammar was ok. Couple mistakes here and there but nothing big.
9658049
I see
9658046
Hoo-boy...
Let's just take a random paragraph as an example.
And now let's take this apart, line by line.
Kind of weird, but not too, too bad. "Canterlot appeared in the distance" would be my preference, though.
And here's where the main problems start. "They landed down to a building at the side"? Eliminate "down", because the act of landing already tells you the direction they're going. And do you mean by the side of the building or is the building somehow at the side of something? I'll assume the former, so this would be clearer as "They landed at the side of a building," but I wouldn't end it with a period, because...
This is a really odd way of describing a sign on a building. First of all, a "title" is either text on a screen in a TV show or else the name of a written work. In this case, the best way to handle this and the previous line would be to make it "They landed at the side of a building, whose signboard identified it in bold letters as 'Darkstar Inc.'"
The group of ponies entered through what? The front door? Then just say "They followed a group of ponies entering."
And then we hit this line, which hangs alone in a vacuum, disconnected from any context. You have to establish that the group of ponies you just mentioned have gone into this party. And what a party you describe! Cheeses and biscuits that sit in the corner! Are the biscuits there on a plate with the cheeses, or are they lone, wandering biscuits that simply sit sadly in corners?
This line isn't really bad. It just kind of lies there, though.
I've been to a few office parties. There's usually some music, at least. And again, this is just a statement that seems to float disconnected from the other lines.
I did a quick look over your other stories, and they're all very much like this. Just sketchy and clumsy and kind of lazy, with lots of half-formed thoughts. You clearly want to write porn, and there's nothing wrong with that. People like porn. But you've been writing stories since 2012, and yet you still don't seem to have a grasp of how to describe anything.
You have to remember that writing is like drawing a picture, except it's all via description. If you want to give the reader a compelling mental image of a sad party, you have to consider the little annoying details that you personally find awful at these sorts of parties, and then convey that to the reader.
Also, you're writing a story in which Twilight and Shining Armor's father is apparently some sort of rapist, Twilight sets her brother up to be raped and then impregnated by their father, and then she falls victim. Are you really that surprised by all the dislikes?
9658015
Well I'm going to assume you're being sincere about that question and this isn't something like a troll fic meant to look rushed.
There are issues with the story. Spelling errors and grammar are present, but those can be easily dealt with. That's not the main problem.
The main problem here, is the story reads as you just telling me about a thing that happened, rather then having it be a story.
Let me see if I can give an example: Say you went fishing yesterday and caught a large catfish. Now when asked to relate the tale of that day, and your response is: "I went to the lake, got my boat, then I took my bait and stuff out to the middle. I sat there a while and using my bait fished for an hour till the catfish tugged at my line and I wrestled with it for a few minutes and got it in my boat!"
I know what happened, but it's not very interesting to hear. This is basically how this fic reads. Just really straight to the point with no heart or soul.
Now say instead you told the tale this way:
"I got to the lake early, the sun barely up, a cool mist rolling over the water as I found my boat. She was a strong one, sturdy and well used. I quietly paddled to the middle of the water ready for a nice long and relaxing day of fishing. Course like any possible day of fishing they didn't bite right away. No I sat there for a few hours at least just sitting there, reading a book as I kept a mind on my line. I had just gotten to a good part in my book too when I felt a tug like I've never felt before! I swear it was like a bear was down there tugging at it! As you probably guessed I grabbed that fishing pole with both hands, nearly dropping my book in the water. That sucker had fight in em. Probably pulled me in my boat a good couple of feet as I struggled to reel him in. You should have seen the first time I got him close enough to the surface! Damn thing jumped and slammed back into the lake right near me, drenching me to the bone, but I wasn't giving up! I dug my heels into that boat and tugged with everything I had! Finally after what felt like hours I managed to pull that sucker still thrashing about into my boat. I'm telling you it was three feet long! Weighed twenty pounds! We ate good that night!"
Hopefully if I did a good job, that second part is a lot more fun to read then the first attempt.
You got to get into the characters head. Write as if you are them going through this. I need to feel like I'm reading about Shining and Night Light going through this adventure, and not like Spike was told to give a description of the events. Basically this entire fic reads as "He did this, then went here, then did this" Rather then feeling like they are doing this and we just happen to be along for the ride.
There are other such issues I find, such as the random Twilight and Night Light thing randomly thrown in at the end, and frankly I don't think Velvet would really buy the explanation of what happened in the bedroom. Also Shining Armor at the end has you know what inside, and yet is at the Crystal Castle, except it seems that Cadance doesn't know where he is? How? How can she not know what happened to him if he's AT THEIR HOME, also Shining's condition would last a good number of months. I think somepony would catch on.
Lastly the thing with Jackpot at the party confuses me. It seems like he kissed her hoof and she slapped him into a wall. While I can see having him just kiss her hoof might make her uneasy I don't think it warrants being thrown into a wall. Also we barely know anything about Jackpot except for what Night Light tells us.
Perhaps while Shining is off trying the stale biscuit, Jackpot talks with Night Light, and shows us why he's known as a mare-inizer, and why we aren't suppose to like him. Maybe when we meet him he's being pushy with another mare on staff. Maybe he makes sexual comments about Twilight Velvet? Then if say later he decides to throw a hoof around Shining and pull her against him then giving her a kiss right on her lips, THAT could be what causes her to knock him into a wall.
I'd buy the 'stomping ovation' after that, but it just comes out of nowhere as the fic is now.
Well I think I've rambled enough. I hope I've been helpful. :/