dream horse
She came to me in my weakest.
I am hardly ever not there, mind you. I am very weak. My conviction towards my weakness is the only strength I have.
I held the razor against my arm, but I have never been one to openly revel in pain. I’d watched others dig deep into their flesh with knives, broken glass, and their own fingers, and here I was with a blade I’d broken out of a Bic Razor, not two inches long.
I didn’t cut the lacerations that lasted forever like they did. I did not leave permanent scars. I cut tiny little etchings of words, of shapes, and of occult symbols I’d browsed in the desperate hopes of help from beyond, and nothing ever came but blood and disgust.
And when they healed—as if they’d never been there—I started over again.
I did not think about why I did it. It felt just. I am a monster who hurts those who hurt him, and he had hurt himself the most.
But she came to me, a brilliant midnight blue and all moonbeams, through my window. Like a map of the stars.
Her mane glistened and glittered and shone with constellations, and I knew them; I could name every single one.
“There’s Sagittarius,” I said, voice soft. “And that’s Cassiopeia.”
“And this one?” she asked, gesturing to a belt of sparkling dots.
“That’s Orion.”
She smiled. “You know your stars.”
“When I was young I wanted to be an astronaut,” I confessed. “Figured I should know the places I’d go.”
“What happened?”
That stung more than any line I’d cut into my arm.
“You know. Life. It’s so—”
“—so-so. I know.”
There was a pause. “Are you real?” I asked her.
“Yes.”
“How do I know that?”
She smiled. “You can see me, can’t you?”
“I see a lot of things.”
“Do you see this one?” She’d gestured to her mane again, in a spot yonder her ear.
“Orpheucus.” I narrowed my eyes. “It straddles your crown.”
“Why, yes.”
“That’s important to note because he’s the serpent bearer.” I sat up in bed, and set the razor on my windowsill. “In Greek mythology—there was a civilization on this world thousands of years ago called the Greeks—”
“I know of the Greeks,” she said, her muzzle slowly settling a smile. “You don’t have to explain that to me.”
“Sorry,” I said. Felt like a fool. “I should have known.”
“You did not. And there is no shame in that.”
I scowled. “I don’t need to be treated like a child by a figment of my imagination.”
“I am real.”
I ignored this. “You don’t know me. I am hallucinating you because I am broken and cannot accept reality, and who must manipulate everyone and everything, including himself.” I shook my head, scoffing and giving the tiniest bit of a grin laden with condescension I hoped matched what I’d percieved in her tone. “I am insane. Leave me.”
“What do you gain,” she asked me, with an earnestness that made me balk, the ingenuine asshole I am. “From treating yourself like that?”
“Nothing.” I grit my teeth and curled a fist, watching blood bead along the “LIVE” and “WIRE” carved into my forearm. “I do it for fun.”
“That is not true.”
The desire to lash my hands out, grab them around her neck, wring it like a soaked rag, overcame me. I did not act on it.
“You can if you like,” she said. “I will not hate you.”
“How noble,” I spat. “Did you come here just to prove you were above everything?”
“No,” she said, and she meant it.
“Well, it was a waste to try and find anything else.” I bit the raw inside of my cheek that never healed. “I am Satan. Leave me alone.”
She stayed where she was, lounging across my legs, who hid under the blanket like twin trunks fallen in the forest to never move again. My bedsores ached.
“Why do you do this to yourself?” she asked again, and it hurt no less this time.
“I’m lashing at myself before anyone else can,” I snarled, voice saturated with as much viciousness as I could muster. “Is that what you wanted to hear?”
“If that’s the truth,” she said simply. I grit my teeth, grinding them slowly against each other, moments away from breaking them from my mouth.
A snort escaped me. “It sure would be pathetic if it were.”
“Perhaps. I have been pathetic as well.”
“It’s pathetic that you’re even here right now. Shouldn’t you be in your own world? Doing your own things? Instead of visiting a—”
She held up her hoof. For the first time, I saw what could be construed as a pained expression on her face. I sneered; I’d found my way in.
“Oh, does it bother you that I rightfully call your time wasted on me? Does it pain you that I cannot be anything better that some less-than pitiable failure who can only think of fictitious charactertures meant to entertain children? Does it hurt to know that no matter what you say or do or think or feel you will never be able to save me, and that any attempt to try and do so will be met with overwhelming vitriol and a complete and utter lack of gratitude for your oh-so-hard work?”
She did not look at me. “Yes.”
“And why is that, you spineless dream vouyer?” I cackled. The hate in my gut (although it might have been hunger—I hadn’t eaten in three days) stirred like the serpent Orpheucus held around her crown.
“Because I’ve said the same, about myself no less, and nothing could hurt me more than watching someone suffer as I have.”
I gaped soundlessly at her, finger clutching the sides of my sheets.
“And that is why I am here.”
And she threw her forelegs around me.
And she said nothing more, and held her hooves against my back, and when I tried to push away she held me tighter.
If she were a hallucination, she was the most vivid one I had.
I thought about everything that had lead to this moment, a crushed can on the side of the road, and I wanted to explain to her why this was impossible and why I was crazy and why it should all go away.
Then I remembered I already had and she hadn’t left.
I made the most aggressive argument against myself and she still didn’t believe it.
So she held me, and it hurt, and it was the best pain I ever felt. I broke down sobbing and I clutched her tightly and I didn’t even think to myself that in this world I only knew of her from fantasy.
“I cannot take this away from you,” she whispered softly as I dry heaved and bit my tongue to keep from wailing in utter sorrow. “But I can give this to you.”
I fell asleep in her hooves, so warm and something I had never felt—and dreamed I was a swan across the water, unbound and energized, dipping wings to glide glass ponds and soaring higher than the highest heavens.
And when I woke up she was gone, moondust across my blanket, and I decided not to kill myself that day.
Maybe tonight she’d come back.
And if she didn’t, that’d be alright, because there were others who needed her. I was not alone—we were not alone—no matter how hard we had tried to make it that way.
Even though I would have loved to have her here, I did not need her.
She could be proud of me for that.
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maybe one day we will all have a dream horse to save us from ourselves
yikes that was dark
It’s ok to miss who you were before that thing happened, before you started to feel this way, back when you felt you were a better version of yourself.
It’s ok to miss how you were. But that person isn’t gone. You might be struggling now, and that heckin’ sucks, but all is not lost. You are still that person in there.
May the magic cartoon dream horse help you help us all
I think it's true that Luna knows more intimately than most what the narrator's going through. She's very familiar with how the Nightmare tells us that we are worthless and alone.
And she knows that it lies.
Just checking, but are you doing alright?
Simple, short, and good. I liked the ending sentences.
9635938
I have a Twilight figure, and I'm really starting to believe that
itsher presence is one of the very few things preventing me from devolving into an incoherent madman at times.Fucking emo bullshit makes me so sick.
9636992
Eat my nose
9636992
Ever wonder what it is like to spend every night for years wishing for it to be your last? Ever wonder what it is like to hate yourself above all other things in the world? Ever wonder what it is like to be convinced that everyone would be happier if you were just dead?
No, I do not suppose you do...
Regi is a good friend of mine, and they are suffering a lot right now. This is their way of coping, communicating and expressing it in writing. It is therapeutic and it helps. It aids others in gaining insight into their feelings. You are kicking a dog that is already down on its luck.
I have an odd taste of sausages in my mouth after reading this.
9635938
You good, bruh?
This speaks to me on many levels. I've had similar suffering before, although I can't claim it was the same or if I even had it bad enough to be as depressed as I was. And I write about it, but in my own way. It helps me.
I don't know you, I won't pretend I understand what you're going through, but I wish you the best. I wish for a dream horse to save me, for I don't even know if I'm capable of feeling certain things anymore or if I only know what I'm supposed to feel.
9636992
I feel you dude, but you don't need to be a dickhead about it. If you thought it was badly written you can say that, but not liking the subject matter isn't really noteworthy criticism.
9636992
You are one of two states of being.
The first, you have never understood what it is to fall into total despair, sometimes wondering if even suicide is worth the effort, but dwell on it because at least it would end, and pain of flesh is the only thing still reminding you that you are alive and real, for better or worse.
The second, you do understand. And it forces you to look in a mirror you hate.
To the Author:
Nobody still alive is beyond help.
Nobody is beyond healing or redemption, despite what all the rest of the world might seem to say.
Nobody is alone or beyond hope.
Each day is a new chance.
Each day is a fresh opportunity, and yesterday will never truly repeat.
Each day has the potential to be the one peace returns to your heart.
I've been there too, and have the scars to prove it.
If you're one that needs to talk, feel free to PM.
Gonna apologize first for the wall of text...
Not sure how to feel/respond to this kind of stuff. I'd never be able to write something like this, I'd feel like I'm only pushing my problems on others, but different strokes for different folks and all that... I get it though, I've tried to outright kill myself, was in a bit of a spot. Couldn't find work, medical problems getting out of control, no money to fix it on account of the whole no job thing, couldn't get a job due to the medical issues, and round and round it goes. Add in my mom and dad passive aggressively telling me all my problems are cause I don't believe in God. Just being a constant burden, couch surfing between my siblings with good will running out with them cause I only got in the way, don't got any friends in the real world and my "friends" on the internet don't even know my real name. I grabbed the last of my anxiety meds, my ulcer meds, my year old anti depressants I hate taking cause all they do is make me sleep away the day... And I took em' all. Bottle by bottle, down the hatch... Then I second guess my self, weak, strong, not sure. Shove my hand down my throat and I'm not sure if I want it to be soon enough to make a difference. Hearts going wrong, vision goes off, I pass out not sure if I'll be happy or sad if I don't wake up. Obviously I did, I got a glass of water, cleaned up my mess. And swept it under the rug, no one I know has a clue it happened, there's days I want to think I imagined the whole thing, but I'm not that disconnected from reality, I know what I did. Kept pushing, got a job finally, even got insurance with them. Getting my medical problems in order, actually helping with my brothers bills, starting to pay back the people I owe. I still think about the alternate ending. My brother finding me dead in the bathroom surrounded in pill bottles and vomit. Gotta just move forward, not just for yourself but for the people around you, everyone owes someone something, I'm here just to pay it back, if that fixes my life along the way, win-win. I've never been the social type, always preffered to solve my own problems, the fact I had to mooch off of family only made me hurt, every time they tried to help more even when I knew they had their own problems to deal with, it made me feel worse... Not sure where I'm going with this, guess this opened old wounds... Not sure where things are in life for you right now but just remember that things can't get better if your not there to fix them, that made me move forward even though I didn't want to, I had to, cause the alternative only ends in loss. Hope things get better...
Probably the only kind of biz where it never hurts to procrastinate. Preferably till tomorrow, since tomorrow is never today.
I feel it
Alas
9636992
Here's your (You).
9635938
I've been in the shoes of the protagonist (and, perhaps, you) in the past. Maybe not to the edge of the cliff, but I have wallowed within the depths of despair, the sense of helplessness. I've felt the piercing pain of "why do I go on?" course through my head, as well as believing my existence to be pointless, a waste of the oxygen and space I consume. A being better off having never existed.
I assure you, even in those dark days, it gets better.
No, it will not be with the snap of a finger, the drop of a hat, it will take time. Perhaps those feelings of worthlessness linger for a time, but you do not let them destroy you. You soldier on, you fight against it, because the night is at its darkest right before the break of dawn.
I am very much a believer that this pain - even as it festers - will pass in time. You have worth, you have a purpose to be here. The comments - from complete strangers, no less - should assure you there are people that care. Willing to lend an ear, sharing their own tales of inner turmoil, all because of one story written in a time of need.
I promise you, it gets better. And when it does, you will realize the victory you achieved, you will gain a better understanding of what joy truly is. You will be stronger.
There is balance in everything, and that includes our emotions. One can not understand true joy until one has experienced pain. As the posted comments should show you, there are many here (myself included) that are willing to lend a hand and pull you up. A passing conversation even via PM can offer more relief than you realize.
9636992
(You) Now get out
9636992
i agree with you, so why don't you take Your emo bullshit and leave so everyone else can enjoy their days without some asshole offending them and everyone else who's in this position? not everyone is in a good place and it's people like you who make shit worse for them. take your comment and go.
Carved the name of the new Harley Davidson electric motorcycle into his arm. Livewire.
Oh wow do I have some explaining to do.
Just a primer: I am okay. I'm not always okay, but I've been doing a lot better than I have in a while. This "experience" I've had that lead to the formation of the story really did put me in a much better place than I was before. While I felt like I had to be brutally honest about my situation, it was never my intention to make people worry about it. It's very touching nonetheless, and the compassion I've seen here displayed is emboldening.
I was more than a bit reserved about publishing the fic. Ultimately, I'm glad I did.
9636427
9637299
Thank you very much for the concern. I don't know if "alright" is the correct word to use, but I am not in danger. Not "all there"? Definitely. A danger to myself and others? No, I wouldn't say so.
9636597
Even if you aren't at the level of dissociative delusion that I can achieve (as if it's some sort of skill that I worked hard on lol), there is something to be said for modern iconography and totemage. Even just the presence of figures of characters we enjoy and hold emotional significance to us as figurines and statuettes can have such an important effect on us. We pretend like we've come so far from our tribal days, but it's the same as it ever was.
9637355
We can all find some common thread in our experiences; you shouldn't have to feel as if you're imposing on anyone for empathizing. And at the risk of sounding like some youth councilor, you can feel any way you please. In fact, it's one of the few sovereignties that is incredibly difficult to truly remove from someone. You can revel in that.
9637438
you are a gentleman and a scholar and I commend you.
9637556
9638392
Thank you both, and the offer is extended you two (and anyone else) as well. We are a community, and although at times a very dysfunctional one, we still all deserve to be there for one another. Feel free to PM at any time, even if it takes a little while for me to respond.
9637618
Thank you for finding the courage to speak about that. I'm sorry you've had to experience that. Writing is a very cathartic way to deal with a lot of these issues, but of course it's not a failsafe. It opens us up to venues of communication, however, and that's what really kills depression. It thrives in isolation, and it's very good at making you think that's what you deserve.
9639251
god i love angels and airwaves. "heaven" is such a potent song. I-Empire was one of the first albums I ever owned.
don't go; i've got you now.
9639429
Improvement is good, even if in small steps. Take it slow and call us if needed.
9639429
Good to know that you're well. What you said about the community, though... to be honest, I don't like the community. It tolerates too much and it has some of the most vile shit I've ever seen in my life. That's why I don't participate in anything that gets bronies together. I'm disgusted by a lot of things I see from this community, and stories about real struggles are buried under a ton of weird rape fetish shit among with even weirder shit...
Sorry for ranting about it, but my dumb mind likes making me write this kind of stuff to internet strangers. I promised myself to stop doing that, but oh well...
9639492
No, you're absolutely right. I've met some of my best friends and some of the most talented individuals here though, and even though we're in a fucking bad spot what with all the neonazis and incels we have to contend with, that's more of a result of years of people treating us as a whole as freaks and forcing us into insular communities, I feel. I'm not gonna soapbox about that here because it's really not the place, but I completely understand why you feel that way. I get fucking infuriated by them, and I've had a REALLY shitty hand dealt to me by legitimate psychopaths who for some reason want to involve themselves in a show based around making friends and treating one another better.
I really don't think we're beyond saving though. Maybe I'm just too optimistic about that.
9639429
Ah, glad you're doing as well as however that would be described, at least, and that it appears just asking helped improve things further. :)
9639502
If we were truly beyond saving, we would have died off a long time ago. The only thing one can do at a time like this is take everything in stride and adapt to the stupid.
9639518
I won't disagree with that. And you know, people ARE entitled to their own opinions, even if I don't agree with them. Who am I to tell people how to think?
I'm just of the mind that it's kind of ridiculous so many people miss the entire point of the show, myself included. I spent a while being a rancid fucking cunt to so many people on the site who just wanted to write their ponyfic unmolested.
9639515
I really do appreciate it.
9639547
Yeah, I agree with that. I try to provide helpful insight wherever needed, but other than that I stick to myself oftentimes. That and well many of the figures on here are about as intimidating to me as a Space Marine in full charge.
i wish i could have a dream horse. that would be awesome ^^
What a sweet slice of life
lovely
9639502
What do you mean by “we are beyond saving” what does that even mean?
9639727
i've missed you
9639742
I said the opposite of that
9639992
Okay sorry I misread that. Though what are you referring to by saying “we are not beyond saving.”
9636992
I won't tell you to leave.
If the other people and the dislikes haven't already got through to you, I hold no hope.
9640024
I'm sorry if I came off short with you. Our community doesn't exactly have the best reputation, and not without good cause, mind. We've chased off a lot of people by slowly becoming more and more rife with undesirable and aggressive actions. We're a community dedicated to treating people better—or at least resolving conflict in a way that doesn't make things worse. A lot of us don't really take that to heart. But I don't think this is a problem that's applicable to everyone, nor do I believe that the all people who are are too far gone.
9639502
Yeah, the community we have definitely has some people who don't belong. MLP is about friendship and dealing with related problems, not about, you know... weird shit that should be left untold, unseen, and unknown.
This was probably one of the biggest reasons of my depression. Years ago, I went into MLP community expecting to see a bunch of nice people ready to help others. While yes, I found some good people, I also found so many bad things I've never even thought about before.
I know I'm not perfect either. While the point of my stories is that people can become better if they're not alone, I have written some porn. Not anything really weird, but, you know... If you look at it from outside, you would see porn of a kid's show. It doesn't even matter if I treat this universe as a mature universe with their own good and bad things. To the outside view, I am a freak who is writing weird shit.
But in the end, I hope to deliver a message that we all can get better if we help each other. There's a lot of conflict in our world, and a lot of it can be avoided if we could just be nice to each other in a way that wouldn't hurt ourselves.
I don't really know how to explain it properly, but I hope you get the meaning.
I once wrote a fic on the idea of suicide but it was more like a "death by cop" thing. What I have understood by talking to people with depression, heartbroken people, and by my own experiences, is that suicide comes to mind when you have see no other option from the situation you are in. People don't decide to end it all because of what happens to them, they do that because they see no option to get better. Of course there's the medical side of it what with depression and all... but so long as you know there's a way out you most likely won't do that.
My own reasoning for avoiding those dark thoughts is that I won't do something so harmful to myself to change my situation for others' sake.
I know one thing. Listening to such experiences from others and expressing your own to others is a big step towards healing. I say this because a lot of time people don't really feel like they're comfortable expressing things in this time and age. The world sees weakness as a sin, and harps on everyone for shit like this. People don't want to speak, they close themselves and don't feel like there's a way out. Their problems are internally gigantified and lead to dark thoughts like this.
So to all people... listen. Please. Even if you're continents away on the Internet it helps. Be there. It matters, no matter how silly that may seem. And to you Regi... pm me. I'd love to talk to you. Tbh I've missed ya with my absence from this site.
9640244
I'd love to know more about that.
9640244
I guess you mean the MLP community right?
And that makes me like #200!
Great fix, Loved the reading :)
9733127
Thank you very much for making 200, and thank you as well for alerting me to the existence of this reading
I'm thrilled and honored someone decided to do a reading of it, and as a patreon reward from the narrator at that
*climbs in window*
Life is a fucking joke.
*suicides*
Wot
9635938
If this is anything like the hallucination you experienced, I'm glad it ended as well as this did.
9637096
Is this vore?
9636992
That’s fine, fuck off though.
10572510
Um hello? Based department???
Dude is so full of himself I could not help but laugh. The blood formed "beads" oh my.