Johns

by Cackling Moron

The order of death

Author's Note:

You may not enjoy where this is going.

I did some reading up on the place before we left. Seemed like a good idea.

Had a strangely Brigadoon quality to it. Or at least that was what leapt to my mind without really understanding why that might be. Certainly, the idea of a lost kingdom literally just not being there for a thousand years before popping back into reality was kind of wild. What a country!

Confusingly it didn’t appear to be an actual empire, but one city state? Is that how empires work? Shouldn’t there be more?

I was probably missing something. If there was a mistake someone else would have pointed it out, right? Right. It’s probably me.

No use getting tangled up in such trifling details anyway. I was excited! This place sounded very fancy. I’d heard about it before, of course, but only in passing and Twilight had only given me but the abridged version of its history. I distinctly remember her not being a fan of its former monarch the last time we’d spoken about it, and during my light smattering of research I could rather see why. Not the nicest sounding of queens. Thankfully now deposed and defeated. With magic! Twice!

You know, I’m very glad they got all of the big, nasty stuff done and dusted before I showed up. Really kept things nice and settled for me. Very thoughtful of them.

Departure wasn’t immediate, obviously, and I hung Ponyville just spinning my wheels. I did make another bear - I had enough bits laying around and it wasn’t difficult. Tracked the kid down, handed it over, said it was the original good as new. Did I feel bad lying to a child?

Yes, briefly. But it passed.

From the others around town I also picked up more bits and pieces about my destination - they all seemed about as excited about me going as I was!

Learned about this big crystal heart thing. Ponies made of crystal, too, apparently? GUess they had a theme going. And learned some more about Cadence, who was sounding lovelier and lovelier with every new thing that came to me.

“Princess of love, huh?” I asked Twilight one evening and she’d just beamed.

“Yes!”

Oh ponies. You wonderful, squishy bunch. Of course you’d have a princess of love. Why wouldn’t you?

What would that even involve? Suppose I’ll find out!

Also some stuff about having been Twilight’s babysitter or something? Married to her brother? Pretty sure I’d had all this explained to me already but sometimes it’s difficult to keep all this stuff sorted in my head.

Anyway. The week happened and the day arrived, the day of departure!

I was rather looking forward to the trip, I must admit. It was always nice having something new and different to do, and this certainly stuck out. Whole new place! Whole new people! Snow, maybe! And getting to go with a fine and fabulous friend of mine, too.

Life of bloody riley!

There were hugs to be had on the station platform prior to departure and then it was all aboard and all up north. Travelling light, Twilight and me. Didn’t really need a whole lot to take with us anyway, it was only to be for a day or two or three at a push.

Unlike the pleasant, whimsical trips between Ponyville and Canterlot this was one big, serious rail journey. The scenery wasn’t up to much, either. It had a grandeur to it, sure, especially the further north we went, but it wasn’t exactly what I’d call picturesque.

Fortunately for me I had Twilight on hand to annoy and to talk to in a more normal capacity, as and when the mood took me. Unfortunately, Twilight also had me to annoy and bother, and she also - perhaps sensibly and certainly for my benefit - took the opportunity while I was trapped with her to get me sat down and really hammer me down on the whole ‘learning to read’ thing.

Clever girl.

Ah, there were worse ways of passing the time. At least this was productive. And fun! A fine teacher, Twilight. And patient, ever so patient! With someone like her even someone like me could succeed!

Eventually and with abundant good luck.

Some time later we arrived, finally. I lost track of how long we were on that bloody train in the end but towards the end the whole romantic appeal of rail travel was starting to wear a little thin for me, personally. I’d slept most of the latter part of the journey away so how long it took in the end was a mystery to me, and a mystery I would like to keep.

Almost as soon as Twilight had set hooves to platform she was the centre of frenzied attention, much to her obvious and immediate confusion and discomfort. It appeared to be a thick blend of well-wishes, officials, guards and others all whirling together to surround the poor girl even as she struggled just to try and leave the station.

I, for once, found myself entirely ignored. Quite refreshing.

Well, almost entirely. I bumped into a happily smiling pony and nearly tripped. He kept on smiling at me.

“This way, sir,” he said.

Oh how I loathed being called sir…

Suppose that wasn’t really the primary issue here, though. The primary issue was me being very confused. I pointed after Twilight, who was still being mobbed and was still a little distance away up the platform.

“Uh, are you sure? I thought I was meant to follow-”

“Princess Twilight shall be travelling separately,” they said.

And ah, they’d said ‘Princess’. Sounds official. Probably some weirdo tradition thing, probably. Can’t even escape it on an informal visit! Twilight’ll probably hate it, poor girl. Still, she can vent to me about it later, no doubt. We’ll all look back on this and laugh!

“Alright, you’re the boss, lead on.”

“Excellent, sir,” said the pony, leading on.

There was another, deserted route out from the station - though, presumably, any route without Twilight on it would be deserted at that moment - and we went that way, coming to a carriage, of all things. Was he going to pull it himself?

Something oddly perverse about a pony-drawn carriage. Or was that just me?

The thing was certainly pony-sized, too, and me getting in was a squeeze. Head wedged up against the ceiling I didn’t exactly enjoy the best view of straight down at the road. Quality roads, to be sure, but there’s only so much I could do with that.

Once I was in there was a brief period of buckling up from the outside and off we’d gone.

The coach ride itself was, as said, cramped. Could kind of seen that coming. Bumpy, too. Suspension plainly something that happened to other people. Times like that you really noticed when you had your head hard up against something. Ow.

Still, could have been worse I’m sure, and at least it wasn’t too long of a journey. We’d stopped before I’d even had time to get a proper crick in the neck, so that was nice.

Wherever we’d stopped seemed to be inside or at least partially inside. Not that it mattered much. Door opened, I staggered out and the same pony from before appeared with that same smile to give me a brief, unnecessary bow and then lead the way. I followed. Not a whole lot else I could do.

I hoped Twilight was having a more comfortable time of things. Kind of hoped that the worst of the adoring throngs had been properly kept at bay so she could actually just get to where she needed to be. From the looks of things she’d had a proper honour guard on arrival! Was that normal around here? Very fancy. Not a whole lot of use against that mob, apparently though.

Meh. I’m sure it’ll all work out. Couple of hours from now it’ll all have straightened out.

Wonder what’s for dinner…

I was not really paying a whole lot of attention to where I was going, to be honest, or to the decor, mostly as there wasn’t a whole lot of decour. Just some sconces - glowing magic ones! - and that was about it. And corridors. Just one, corridor before too long, and it was along this that the pony led me. Long fucking way!

Down this corridor and around this corner and up these stairs and down this other corridor - yeesh. A merry trail I was being led on and no mistake. This the back entrance?

Eventually - thank buggery - we seemed to arrive at where we were meant to. Or at the least we stopped and there was a door. The pony looked very pleased with himself.

“Here we are, sir,” he said.

“Where we are? Where are we?” I asked.

“Our destination, sir. Just through the door.”

That was vague. Still, at least we were somewhere. I pointed to the door, as though he could have been talking about any other door. Paid to be sure about these things.

“Just through here?” I asked.

The pony nodded, still smiling that same smile he;d been smiling the whole damn way here.

“Yes sir.”

Weird setup they got up North, let me tell you.

“Well. Alright then. Um, thank you.”

“My pleasure, sir.”

And with that they bowed, turned, and left. I watched them go, clip-clopping their way back the way we’d come - the only way to go! - and disappearing from sight before too long. The sound of them leaving continued for a bit, but then the sound just seemed to get swallowed up, and I was on my own.

With a door. In the gloom. Those magic sconces weren’t the brightest things around, and the lack of windows wasn’t helping either.

When had the windows stopped, by the way? When was the last time I’d seen one? Oppressive style.

“You know, a more paranoid man would start getting misgivings at this point,” I said, abjectly refusing to have misgivings. Not for me such anxious wrangling. I mean, what could happen, really? This was a technicolour parade of ever-lovely locals and general frivolity. Life of riley, remember?

Nothing to worry about.

On this sunny, optimistic note I opened the door. What I found on the other side was not quite what I’d expected.

What had I expected? Not sure. But something more than what I’d got. An entranceway to a proper castle, perhaps? Twilight waiting and wondering what had taken me so long? This much-rumoured Cadence I’d heard so much about? Something along those lines.

Instead, I got what appeared to be just...a room. And not even a particularly big one. Just a room. Circular, broadly speaking, with perhaps two windows - presently shuttered - table and chairs, bed...just a room.

“Huh,” I said, entering. Entering through the one door the room had, I should also point out, which swung shut behind me. Weighted so, I’d suppose.

Was this where I was staying? Felt a bit out of the way, what with the long walk around the houses to get there. And the long, long corridor that led only to here! Would I have to go all that way for breakfast every day? That seemed like a lot of work with my leg, I have to say.

Maybe that’s just how they do things here?

“At least there’s an ensuite,” I said to myself, spotting this and feeling the tiniest bit better. No long walks for the bathroom was a plus point, certainly.

There was the strangest itching between my shoulderblades by then, coupled with the hairs rising on the back of my neck. That’d be that paranoia again. No, no, not listening to you. I’m sure this is all fine. Probably just how they do things up here. Odd, sure, but I’ve seen worse. The furniture looks robust and once those shutters are open I’m sure the view is a lovely view of, ah, something.

I went over to try the shutters but found them resistant to me opening them. Not locked, just not wanting to open. Weird. Probably magic. Always with the magic.

Behind me, I heard someone clear their throat. That made me jump.

Managing to not drop my stick out of surprise I turned around and found, sitting on the bed, a surprisingly large, black-coated unicorn. Quite the fearsome specimen, too, at least going by my limited experience.

Had I heard the door open? Didn’t think I had. Must have been too focused on the shutters.

“Hello,” said this new unicorn, in a voice that suggested this was someone who knew what was up and that if what they wanted wasn’t up they could soon make it up. She also had the kind of smile that suggested she’d never encountered any difficulty in knowing what was up at any point in her life.

If you follow. A lady in control.

I gave her the once-over, just to double-check. No wings? No wings. Not an alicorn, then. Wasn’t Cadence meant to be an alicorn? Pretty sure Twilight had mentioned that.

“You don’t look like a Cadence,” I said.

Her tail - also black, though kind of with some grey streaks I guess? - gave a flick at this and that smile of hers didn’t so much widen as deepen.

“There’s a reason for that,” she said.

This cleared up nothing.

Comments

[Vaguely Demented]

This is one of the most well thought out kidnappings in fiction. Just be pleasant but authoritative, he will follow along.

[Cackling Moron]

9697632
They picked the right guy to pull it on.

[Vaguely Demented]

9697634
To be fair I’m reasonably sure this would work on a good deal of the main cast. At least half of them.

[A Drunk Soviet]

Is this going to end up being grim dark like the other story?

[Venerable Ro]

Now really, couldn't you lot wait to pull this nonsense on someone who has the use of both his legs?

[ROBCakeran53]

Welp, here we go... the fun begins.

[Cackling Moron]

9697676
No, we're just having a diversion

[SirReal]

9698462
I'll survive, I think.

[Morphy]

9697059

Get yer filthy science out of my fantasy you philistine!

[Eroraf86]

Okay, who and why?

[Alondro]

"A VILLAIN!!" Alondro rushes in and beats the unicorn into a bloody pulp without a word... well, a comprehensible word... there's lots of guttural screaming and rage-noise...

"Ah, another job well done!" Alondro trots off merrily, leaving John covered in silvery unicorn blood and various organ bits.

[Solar_Wolf]

Why did you even need to put this in BORING villain all talking and being boring and annoying