So here's your life
Luna left for bed after that, and so I was on my own.
As a rule I don’t do so hot on my own. My brain tends to start eating itself and I get a little listless. I’m man enough to recognise this. So once she’d gone I decided not to stick around. I had homework to do, after all! And pyjamas to change out of.
Servants appeared out of nowhere before I’d so much as had a chance to rise from my seat and, locust-like, quickly stripped the room of anything that needed cleaning or washing up. These guys were good. I always felt a little bad having someone clean up after me but I guess they were getting paid so whatever.
“Thanks guys!” I called out after their retreating backs but by the time I’d finished saying it they’d all already gone. Probably wouldn’t have stopped to acknowledge it anyway, consummate professionals that they were, but still. Always nice to be polite. Courtesy costs nothing and all that.
Once the risk of tripping over a pony had diminished I got up and hobbled off on my way.
I got lost, but worse things had happened. By this point I was fairly convinced that the castle was bigger on the inside than it was on the outside, and on the outside it was pretty fucking big so that said a lot.
Also, never did find a staircase. That really cooked my noodle. Was I just missing them? I had to be, surely.
Yeah. They had to be somewhere.
Fortunately for me the place was also lousy with guards who were always willing to give out directions. Not exactly happy to do so - given they never said a word, just pointed - but still, it worked out and I guess being taciturn and severe looking went with the job.
So, bouncing from guard to guard, my wanderings did eventually get me out into the grounds again, albeit the opposite side of them to where I needed to be. Whoops.
Still! No bad thing. A nice walk never hurt anyone, did it? Especially on such a lovely day.
Most days in Canterlot were lovely. Indeed, most days were lovely no matter where I was around here! Even the bad weather had a kind of loveliness to it, whenever it showed up. Most days though, beautifully sunny - very nice.
Unsure what relation Celestia had to the weather. Not much, I didn’t think? I mean, she controls the sun, yeah, so she’s probably tangential but not really tied in?
Someone had explained it to me at some point and Rainbow had also explained it to me but I still didn’t really get it. Mostly I’d just nodded and smiled. It seemed to work, so what did it matter if I got it or not?
Still weird though, to consider that Celestia - my girlfriend! Oh, makes me giddy, that - controls the sun. Can’t quite wrap my head around it. Just odd. Back home it’d be, well, it wouldn’t be that, I can at least be sure of that part.
No sense in worrying about it though, best to just enjoy my walk across the grounds to my shed. Take your time, son! Got the whole day.
And so I did.
It was picturesque and enjoyable, up until the point my leg gave up the ghost out of nowhere and I fell over sideways into a hedge. Admittedly this was pretty funny, but it was also pretty awkward. I’d also - foolishly - left my stick back in the room I’d had breakfast in.
My memory, honestly.
Fortunately my shed was, by that point, within hopping distance so getting there wasn’t too hard and by the time I got through the door my leg was working well enough again for me to be able to climb the stairs once inside, as opposed to crawling up them. Everything worked out!
Once upstairs I got changed. Because I was a man with clothes now. No more tablecloths for me. That was old John. New John had more than one set of trousers.
These were not the clothes Rarity had made for me, these were not fabulous duds. Those were mostly still back in Ponyville. Rather, these were the creation of some local guys and gals, and were quite a bit more subdued.
It was weird, right?
I’d developed a certain level of notoriety, quite without actually doing anything. That I was a strange looking and unique visitor from parts unknown I could sort of excuse as giving me some novelty, that I could figure out. But also - apparently - my mere association with Celestia gave me some sort of je ne sais quoi that some of the locals seemed to find electrifying.
A thorough mystery to me. And definitely more of a Canterlot problem than a Ponyville one. Ponyville was pretty cool with me. I just stomped around and did stuff and they were cool with it. Here I stomped around and got gawped at and folks talked in hushed tones. Urgh!
But anyway, practical result of this - well, one of them - was free shit. Being the one to have made something then worn by the weirdo beastie that hung around Celestia all the time was something that entailed some sort of prestige. Who cared? Enough people, it seemed. Certainly, being the first one to do so had done Rarity some good. She’d told me so!
Weird. So weird!
Guess that’s just me being a novelty.
Kind of made me a little uncomfortable being the centre of so much unwarranted attention, but whatever made people happy, you know? If doing this sort of stuff was what they wanted to do then fine, whatever. I could live with it. I’m a big boy.
And, really, free shit! I’d have been a cad to object. Don’t look gift horses in the mouth and all that.
Hang on a second...
Hah! Gift horses! Oh that’s a good one!
Anyway. Getting sidetracked. I had homework to do, a mind to expand. Digging up the material in question I sat myself down, laid it out and got stuck in.
And I tried, I really did, but it became pretty obvious pretty quickly that my head just wasn’t in it. I looked at the stuff and I went through the motions like what Twilight had taught me to but nothing was going in. A slow day, or just my brain being recalcitrant? Who could say.
Either way I had two options. Keep at it and get frustrated or just pack it in. I knew which one Twilight would have preferred I pick.
Twilight - lovely girl that she is - had a faith in my abilities that was not mirrored in the reality of my abilities.
Besides, I’d heard that frustration was unhealthy. In light of that the choice was obvious. I could give it another crack later.
Ooh! I could get Celestia to help. She’d probably be good at that. She’s good at most things what with, you know, having been around long enough to get good at most things.
Immortal girlfriend! Haha!
Well that’s that sorted, then. Which just leaves me with what to do with the rest of my day until then. Uh…
To town! Yes.
On the face of it going out and about in Canterlot - on my own, no less! - seems pretty counterintuitive for a guy who disliked being the focus of attention. With that said though, the alternative was just to cower inside the palace and be bored, which was not my idea of a good time.
Sure, it’d be uncomfortable to be gawked at, but I’m kind of used to that by now anyway, right? And who knows! Maybe something fun’ll happen! And even if something fun doesn’t happen it’ll still beat sitting around with my thumb up my arse.
This firmly in mind I grabbed my backup stick and hobbled off, my hopes high.
Well, not that high. High-ish.
Things went as I expected. Ponies stopped and exchanged hushed words with their friends, some smiled and waved (I waved back at those words, as is polite and enjoyable) and generally I did my best to ignore it. Fortunately for me Canterlot was a very nice place to walk around. Literally fantastic architecture.
Nothing much going on though. But that’s fine. What did catch my eye before too long was a solitary chap handing out what looked to be fliers with a mounting sense of desperation. Difficult to tell at a distance what his boggle was, but easy to tell he was being deliberately ignored by any and all passers-by.
Once I got a little closer I was better able to make out what it was he was trying to do. Seemed he had some sort of show or exhibition going on just off the street where he was dashing about. Artwork of his, I got the impression. But no-one was biting. Poor sod.
He was so focussed on gaining the attention of others that he failed to pay any himself, and bumped into me as I made to move past. Luckily for both of us I’d seen this coming and so was braced, which kept me upright. He was not so lucky, and flumped to his rump.
Heh, flump.
“Steady on there,” I said, stooping to hoik him back to his hooves by the scruff of his neck. The little ones were so easy to manhandle. Should probably be a little less free and easy with the manhandling, really. It’s probably rude. Just so easy though!
“Ah yes, sorry, I was-” the guy started only to realise he was talking to my legs. He then looked up, and I saw his eyes widen. What an effect to have on someone.
“Hi,” I said.
“Y-you - you’re that thing, aren’t you?” He asked, getting over his shock about as well as most.
Did I mind being called a thing? No, not really. I knew who I was. Or at least who I was now, and that was enough. Call me thing all you want! My sense of self is solid as a rock!
There’s not a whole lot of it but what’s there is solid as a rock!
“Might have to narrow that down a little,” I said.
“Sorry. The hyu-mahn?” He ventured, cautiously.
Seriously! It’s not a hard word! Is this some running joke I’m not privy to?
I’m not even going to bother correcting anyone anymore.
“Yep, that’s me. What gave me away? It was the hair, wasn’t it?” I asked, pointing to said hair. The pony just looked confused, blinking at me.
“Um…”
Celestia would have at least giggled at that, damnit. See! This was why I hung out with her so much. Well, one reason. But a pretty big one. There were others, like me not having to bend over to talk to her.
“Forget about it, it’s fine. Have fun handing out your little thingies,” I said, making to carry on, only for the chap to leap back and block my way.
“Wait!” He cried and I found a pamphlet thrust at me. “W-would you like to see my exhibit?”
My turn to say ‘um’.
“Um,” I said.
Don’t get me wrong, I like art as much as the next man, and the stuff he had in his little pamphlet looked alright to me. I just wasn’t used to being propositioned in the street like this.
Then again, not like I had anything else to be doing.
“Sure, why not. Lead the way, uh - ?”
I left a gap for him to fill with his name. He got the idea.
“Moe Neigh.”
Something about this name annoyed me, but I wasn’t entirely sure what. I gritted my teeth.
“Lead on.”
And so he did, me limping along behind as he moved off the main street and down a narrower, dimmer side one towards - hopefully - the gallery he’d occupied.
You know, one of these days following strangers is probably going to end up biting you.
Then again, this is a technicolour wonderland. What’s the worst that could possibly happen? I get one biscuit instead of two? I get slightly less free stuff than I already do? Fewer ears to scratch? Hah. Hardly bears thinking about!
The place wasn’t that far away, in the end, though it was entirely deserted which was a little depressing. I felt bad for the guy. He’d put himself out there and had obviously gone to some effort with this whole affair.
He even had sparkling wine on a tray! For free! Yeah I took one!
I’d had a little Equestrian booze by this point and had learnt rapidly that it was, in the main, a lot like having sex in a canoe. But they’re mostly only little so I’m not sure what I expected.
Still, nice stuff all the same. And free!
Actually looking at the artwork itself was perhaps a bit of odd experience with him hovering (not literally) behind me the whole time. I sipped my wine and tried to sound like I had at least a general idea of what I was talking about when it came to him asking what I thought. Guy seemed delighted to have anyone there at all, bless him.
Not that we had the place to ourselves for that long.
It seemed that I - notable notable that I was - had been spotted going off somewhere and this had sparked the curiosity of some, who were now trickling in. They seemed surprised at where they ended up and also seemed ‘surprised’ that I was there, but once they got over these twin surprises they too spotted the free wine (and tiny pony buffet, which I’d ignored) and got stuck in.
Pretty soon the place was actually bordering on the lively, and Moe Neigh - urgh - had gone off to hobnob and network, leaving me to tower over all present and grapple with the realisation that it was me being there that had caused this abrupt change in fortune.
Fucking celebrity wanker piece of shit. Look at yourself. What did you even do? Nothing! That’s what! You just stand around! Waste of space, you.
I wonder what Celestia’s up to…
If I’d had a watch I would have checked it. But I didn’t, so instead I just did another circuit of the artwork in case I had any epiphanies, didn’t have any epiphanies and then homed in on Moe Neigh - argh! - to inform him that I was hitting the road.
“Oh,” he said, momentarily put out.
“Liked your work, son. Best of luck in your future endeavours,” i said, bending to give his teeny hoof a bump. It seemed the thing to do.
Could tell from the look on his face though that was he was holding something back.
“Hmm?” I prompted. Could see where it was going, just at an outside guess, but prodded him for it anyway.
“Thank you for coming today and, uh, well...do you think that maybe you could possibly mention this little exhibition to Princess Celestia…?”
Whoomp, there it is!
Ah, I’m not surprised. Can’t hold it against the guy. He’s got shit that he needs doing, I am but a means to an end. I got what I wanted - stuff to do and free wine - we were hardly going to be friends, were we?
“Think you’re kind of overestimating the pull I have with Celestia there, chief. I’ll tell her I was here and had a fine time but I can’t promise anything, she’s a busy lady.”
“Oh, thank you! That’s more than enough!”
I left after that and started heading back to the palace. Didn’t really have the stomach for anything else and besides I wanted a nap.
You know, I think that’s kind of why I don’t like Canterlot that much.
Don’t get me wrong! Lovely chaps and lasses, top to bottom. Never met a pony I didn’t like here. Well, never met one I disliked, at least. I still remember Dr Knacker. But on the whole everyone’s wonderful.
It’s just that, here, well, I get the impression that when they’re seeing me and talking to me they’re seeing and talking to ‘Exotic alien visitor who is also close friends - and perhaps more - with Princess Celestia and therefore of interest and worth buttering up’ rather than just, you know, me, a dickhead. John the dickhead.
Yeesh, this must be how Celestia feels a lot of the time, come to think of it. Folks seeing office and demigod first rather than lovely lovely lady first. Poor Celestia. I’ll give her a hug later. Well, more of one. And maybe a smooch.
Hurr…
For now though, I have to see a man about a dog.
By which I mean, I am going to fall asleep on the sofa in my shed until someone bothers me.
Life of bloody riley, that’s me. Cunt.
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Nothing like going on walkabout for a bit, finding some random stuff, and then getting home again for a nice nap. Downright idyllic it is.
9650146
I know, right?
Yeah, Cuddlelestia needs them.
Never stop being a sweetheart John.
It's actually pretty interesting seeing John wander around and grow, especially the bit about him relating to Celestia and having to deal with others seeing him as a prop. Makes me want to see more of his interactions with the general populace, especially if he pit-stops and recaps with Celestia periodically.
Just a delightful little story, really.
9650210
Examination of John's psychological development and habits linked to later events. That's the plan, at least. In my head.
How that pays off remains to be seen. Stay tuned to see me fuck it all up.
Mo Neigh huh?
9650261
I was trying to come up with a sufficiently awful artist horse pun.
Think I pulled a blinder, personally.
Cough cough...
Yeah, Canterlot does lend itself to a certain unfortunate stereotype. I am wholly in favor of extra ear scritches for Celly.
Well, now I'm curious about the artwork.
9650373
upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/8/82/Francisco_de_Goya%2C_Saturno_devorando_a_su_hijo_%281819-1823%29.jpg/300px-Francisco_de_Goya%2C_Saturno_devorando_a_su_hijo_%281819-1823%29.jpg
Or more aptly:
upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/5/54/Claude_Monet%2C_Impression%2C_soleil_levant.jpg/280px-Claude_Monet%2C_Impression%2C_soleil_levant.jpg
9650388
Thank you. I had been sort of wondering if the similarity to Monet extended past the name. I would advise John to invest now.
9650398
I doubt he can see the opportunity clearly in front of him.
This is going to keep me up all night pondering.
9650735
I could tell you...
...but it'll be more worthwhile if you get it yourself.
9650742
The pondering is fun in itself.
I have never heard that applied to wine before, just certain beers. I can get that Equestrian wines may not be as robust when it comes to ABV, but surely the flavour would still be there (unless they deliberately water their booze down)?
I wonder if John will get to meet some "good" Canterloties like Fleur and Fancy and Doughnut Joe? Pip visiting Luna would also make for something interesting I would imagine. If anything else, I would imagine Pip's accent would give John pause.
9651474
John is a philistine
John could monetize himself on behalf of the good and the great. The philanthropic possibilities are endless!
I still think he should call himself Tim.
9650268
Horse pun?
What horse pun?
9829604
Monet, I vaguely recognize the name
Damn celestia must be a timelord and the castle is just her tardis. That would explain the stairs thing too