Can you even deliver
And with that we bid a fond farewell to the Crystal Empire.
Seriously, am I missing something? Why is it an empire? Does that word mean something else here? Is Cadence the emperor? Did I just not meet the emperor? Probably would have made more sense if I’d seen a map rather than just the one place everyone kept calling the empire.
Nevermind. I’m sure someone knows what the deal is. That’s the important thing. I’m probably wrong.
The train back was not the most thrilling of affairs. I had briefly wondered whether travelling with such an abundance of royalty would have meant fancier way back and was actually glad this wasn’t the case. I have nothing against trains.
I spent the journey sandwiched between Celestia on the window seat and Twilight nearest the aisle. I could certainly think of worse places to be, especially later on as the sun started dipping and everything started getting dark - sidebar: I do still often forget that it is my girlfriend doing that, and from a moving train in this instance no less! - and both of them ended up snoozing on me.
That was probably one of the better things that’s happened to me recently. Or maybe even ever. Twilight kind of just flopped across my lap, Celestia halfway draped kind of on my shoulders but mostly on my head. Kind of messy, yes, but still the best. I mean really I could have stayed like that forever if I had to.
But I did not have to, and we did eventually arrive back home. Uh, Canterlot, rather. Which I guess is a kind of home.
I expected Twilight to carry on back to Ponyville but she disembarked as well, to my surprise.
“Getting off a little early aren’t you?” I asked her and she shuffled sheepishly, smiling.
“Oh you know. Just in case,” she said.
Didn’t answer a whole lot.
“Just in case what?”
“Just in case, uh, you need me?” She ventured. Seemed as good an answer as any to me. Or, at least, the look on her little face was such that pushing it didn’t seem the right thing to do. She meant well. Lovely girl, Twilight.
After that things got kind of blurry. Not that I wasn’t paying attention, just a lot of stuff happened that wasn’t especially interesting. Celestia had to dash off to do, oh, lots of things probably and so I was just left to my own devices. Glad Twilight was around, then, because that meant I could hang out with her. Which I did.
And that was about it. Just passing the time, knowing that sooner or later I was going to be getting a proper look at. Like some sort of examination-based Sword of Damocles.
Bet there’s a horse-based version of that somewhere...should ask Twilight sometime…
Anyway. It was mostly just me and her sat around making increasingly awkward small talk waiting for whatever it was that was going to happen next. And what happened next was, a touch before dinnertime, Celestia coming back, and bringing company.
For indeed beside her stood Doctor Knacker, looking much as I remembered him. Although in the time since the last, uh, time he appeared to have singed off an eyebrow. Must have happened recently. It did little to dim his obvious, naked enthusiasm for life which was written clear across his face.
“Ah. You again. Fabulous. Doing good, Doctor?” I asked. He nodded with great energy. Most people’s heads would have fallen off - not-so Doctor Knacker.
“Doing well and doing good, yes-yes! And how is the subject?”
“Shouldn’t that be ‘patient’?” Twilight asked, frowning. Doctor Knacker nodded some more, even more violently.
“Both work!”
Colour me reassured.
“Are you ready?” Celestia asked softly, looking at me. Ach, the soft tone always gives me shivers. Least she’s not whispering in my ear on this one, though the look on her face is doing the works, too. I nodded.
So off we went. Again, always amazes me how big the castle is. Palace? One of those. As a very regal group - well, even split, really - we made our way around and around into a fractionally-less ostentatious area wherein which Doctor Knacker had set up his extensive aparatus.
His whole kind of rivets-and-bolts mad science nonsense really clashed with the aesthetic.
“Surprised this is ready and waiting,” I said, nodding to the huge morass of machinery that was taking up most of the room we’d ended up in.
“I messaged ahead,” Celestia said. That kind of made sense. She’s a very on-the-ball lady, my lady.
“Ah. Clever. Can see why you’re in charge.”
“Half in charge,” she said, giving me a bump.
“Oops, yes.”
The MARE looked more-or-less the same, or at least more-or-less how I remembered it looking. Though had it been that large last time? Couldn’t quite remember. Still about the most intimidating looking piece of equipment it’s even been my misfortune to be put inside.
Already Doctor Knacker was zipping about between this and that console, flipping switches, checking dials and also easing out the part on which I would be laying down. I swallowed.
“Now, not to be a stick in the mud or anything but I do kind of remember it being mentioned last time that using this thing on me again could have potentially lethal consequences? You know, if you had a good look with it. Which I’m guessing you kind of have to right now,” I said, loud enough to get the good doctor’s attention.
I did recall something like that being said. Then again, Umbra had managed to all-but magically climb inside my head without killing me, so who knew? Maybe anything was possible in this brave new world.
Doctor Knacker paused in his zipping about long enough to look entirely unfazed by my question and reply:
“We will be the most careful, yes-yes? Have no fear! Have made many refinements to the MARE! Adjustments, yes-yes? Very complicated! Delicate!”
Who wouldn’t feel safe?
I turned to Celestia and Twilight who were stood side-by-side, looking considerably more worried than I probably did. Well, Twilight looked worried, Celestia had that unflappable and unrattled princess face on which, honestly, was actually worse. It’s kind of disquieting seeing her like that.
“Well I trust him,” I said, giving them both a thumbs up.
“As long as you’re sure,” Celestia said, and her voice had almost - but not quite completely - the same rock-solid aspect that her face did. Twilight just sniffed. Goddamnit why not just stab me in the heart, guys? Didn’t you hear the doctor? He’s made adjustments. Adjustments!
And wasn’t this your idea anyway, Celestia?
Ugh, people. I ask you.
Figuring it’d be a good idea - and also because, you know, I like doing it - I gave the pair of them a hug. And then for good measure hugged them both at the same time because I’m a madman and no-one can stop me. Then it was moving over to present myself to Doctor Knacker.
“Alright,” I said. “Where do you want me? Here?”
It was indeed where I was pointing that he wanted me.
I remain less than a fan of confined spaces. Is a pony meant to fit in here? How?!
There followed a lot of lying still, unsettling clunking sounds and a lot more lying still on top of that. And a slight headache. And kind of a tingling feeling. Was that normal? Best not to worry about it.
On the plus side though I didn’t die. I do always like it when that happens.
An awful long time later the weirdo gurney thingy I was lying on was withdrawn and I, groaning, swung up into sitting and stretched out, rolling my neck about. In the time it took for me to work some feeling back into my limbs the three of them - Twilight, Knacker and Celestia - had gathered in a little row in front of me.
Is that a good sign?
“Alright, what’s up?” I asked. There was some nervous shifting around. That’s always a good sign, that. Doctor Knacker pretty obviously wanted to come tearing right at it but a quiet, firm look from Celestia actually got him to be quiet. Seemed like it was something she herself wanted to say, but was building up.
That’s usually the sort of thing that happens with bad news. Kind of wished she’d just put me out of my misery at this point.
Finally, she spoke.
“Umbra has...repaired the damage your mind suffered but has partitioned off the repaired sections,” she said. It was impossible to tell from her tone what her opinion of this was. And it was impossible to tell what the hell this meant.
What?
Blink.
“She’s done what?”
There followed an explanation. A slow one, thankfully, but one that still left me feeling, ah, unsettled and unsure. How I understood it - though not how it was strictly explained to me - was something rather like this:
My brain was a house, say. A jumbled, falling-down mess of a house with all the doors locked and every room basically turned upside and in disarray. That’s what me arriving here had done, that’s all the damage and stuff. Right?
And I’ve been living in the storm porch, sometimes peeking through the letterbox but otherwise kept out. I can peek, yeah, and if I really want I can try and stick my hand in to get something but that hurts and doesn’t really get me anywhere. Right?
What Umbra had done, apparently, was organise every room, fix the place up, tidy it, clean it and then leave every door unlocked and open except the front door, which was on the latch, so to speak. Closed, but unlocked. If I opened it, it would all be there for me. I’d have the run of the place.
Which was exactly what I had not wanted her to do!
Why?! Why had she done that?! Why hadn’t she told me she’d done that?! Was this is a trick or a trap or what? Or a present? Was this the thing to remember her by?!
There wouldn’t be any coming back from opening that figurative door!
It’s like - fuck - it’s - fuck!
Okay, continue the metaphor. I’m living the storm porch but I’ve also built my own new place, right? Built the opposite direction to the old house, which was the old me, right? I built a new me out of whatever I had to hand. Bits and pieces I had to hand, put together the way that seemed best at the time. Whole new place.
That’s me! That’s who I am!
I open that front door and the new me falls down. Just blown away. Right? That’s gone! Just old me again. And even if it doesn’t fall down - so to speak - it’s still different, yeah? Radically! I’ll be looking at it from inside the old house! Or standing between the two? It’ll - fuck! I can’t even begin to imagine what that would even be like!
And no going back, either! Can’t unring that bell!
Oh fuck! Why would she do that?! Why would she put that in my head?! This fucking feather-pull trigger to possible existential oblivion?!
I like me! I like me now! Me now is doing alright! John is doing alright!
“So you’re telling me,” I said, once the explanation had finished and once the rushing of blood in my ears had receded somewhat. “That you could, hypothetically, just magically nudge the right spot and - whoomph - it all comes back?”
“Yes-yes!” Doctor Knacker said, nodding the way someone who wants to do it right-this-second might nod. He’d been practically falling over himself with giddiness during the more technical parts of the explanation where Celestia had passed things over to him.
Honestly, I had really been kind of hoping he’d say no-no there. It being an easy thing to do just made me feel more uncomfortable. Less of an excuse not to make a decision.
“John? Are you okay?”
Who’d said that? Oh yes. Celestia. I recognised the voice. Oh me, I’m losing track of things!
“Fine, fine. I just - just need a sit down for a second.”
“You are sitting down.”
“Am I?” I asked, and I looked and I was. At no point had I stood up. “Oh, heh, so I am. Silly me. Heh. Fancy that.”
“Evil queen also fixed your leg!” Doctor Knacker blurted, apparently unable to restrain himself any longer and earning himself a sharp look from both princesses. Not that he seemed to mind. He clearly thought it was worth it.
“She what?” I asked.
“Your leg! She fixed it! All good, yes-yes? No limping! Try it! Try it!”
“I really don’t feel like doing a couple circuits of the room right this second, sorry to - hey, hang about…”
There are - or were, it seemed - several spots on my leg that, even on the better days, it had been best not to touch. Spots that got a reaction. I was experimentally kneading those spots then, just because. And nothing was happening. No twitches, no clenches, no sharp stabbing pains. Leg was fine. Utterly fine.
I stretched it out. No problems at all. Not so much as a tremor.
“Holy shit you’re right,” I said. Then, spur of the moment, held up my hand. Solid as a rock. Could have cut a fucking diamond with it. “The hand too. Look at it! What did she do?!”
“John, shh, calm down. It’s alright, you’re alright,” Celestia said, stepping in closer to me.
Calm down?! Why was she telling me to calm down?! I was calm! Totally -
Oh, wait. I hadn’t noticed that time. Oops. Got the best of me there. I’m not doing too well, am I?
“Heh, suppose I should be freaking out less about this, shouldn’t I? I mean, objectively speaking it’s a good thing, isn’t it?” I asked, casual.
Kind of felt a little like a violation but maybe that’s just me being odd.
On the one hand I didn’t exactly enjoy limping everywhere and falling over and all that. But on the other, uh, well, would have been nice if she’d asked first. You know?
Ah well. John only pawn in game of life.
Celestia stepped in in front of me. I could tell it was her because even though I was mostly just staring blankly at the floor she was kind of easy to recognise.
“Are you alright, John?” She asked.
Again with the name! Ack!
I looked up to fix her with my best ‘Still totally fine’ smile. I don’t think it came out how I hoped though.
She’d dropped the look of unflappable detachment by this point, and now concern was etched across every inch of her face. I wish she didn’t look at me like that. I wish she was smiling instead. I wish she didn’t worry about me.
I recovered my smile and shifted it into my best ‘I am an unstoppable force’ expression. I have a lot of these, or so I like to think. With that firmly in place I gently took her by the muzzle and gave her a kiss on the nose. It was the only bit I could easily reach.
“Just taking a moment to sink in. That’s all,” I said.
“If you’re sure.”
Was I sure? Good question. No idea. Didn’t really want to think about it. Ideally I’d like to avoid the subject entirely for a bit, just gloss over what had happened. I’ll deal with it later.
Time for a diversion! I leapt to my feet, startling all present, clapping my hands together.
“Can we - is anyone hungry? It’s dinner, right? Can we do that?” I asked.
Seamless!
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See, this is why doctors get consent forms for even the most essential of procedures. Because mucking around with someone's internals unasked for is just plain creepy.
Well, that's one "present" to remember Umbra by. Yeesh. Although I'm still a little curious why suddenly getting all those memories back would change John. It's highly unlikely John was in Equestria before, banished or otherwise zapped dead only to reappear elsewhere as a mind-scrambled cripple, ponies would have recognized him as the lone human in all the world.
I suppose it depends on the person. Myself, suddenly learning I used to be Manson-Hitler-Gengis Khan would be disturbing (to say the least) but I wouldn't suddenly start carving ponies up or changing the Nice Guy(tm) I am currently. If anything, I'd be wanting some serious redemption to start making up for what I had done. A previous life. That's how I'd see it.
9762463
This is touched upon more in the next bit, as while his misgivings are apparently obvious to me they don't seem to be for everyone.
I had figured out the leg and arm thing but the mind thing is new. Now if only John could quit being so stubborn and admit he's not fine!
Yep, he still reminds me of Septimus Signus.
From context I can tell this is like an MRI, which I'm sure had its acronym explained earlier. But ignore context and consider John thinking about Celestia instead, and it still works.
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WINK
i just want to say how much i enjoy this story. as soon as see an update, i read the newset chapter the first chance i get. its weird, but i totally relate to john- especially in this chapter... only difference is im the one who latched the door to my past and i know how fucked it was. i can open the door at any time, and there are aspects of it that are tempting, but i know if i go back to it, everything i am now will come crashing down. i feel johns pain. i know what its like to have so much goin on inside your head and trying to keep it contained from others and forcing the "sunshine and rainbows" and putting up the "im fine" front. great story here, PLEASE keep up the fantastic work and, as always, ill be looking forward to the next installment.
I mean, this is absolutely an Umbra move, from what we've seen of her.
He very specifically didn't want his mind fixed because doing so would restore his former personality, very possibly erasing his current one or else making his current self feel not-himself.
Death, basically.
Umbra did it anyway because of course she would just do whatever she wants, but she observed the letter of his practical objection by sealing off that part of his mind. Because she's trying out this "being nice" thing John seems to like in powerful mares.
So, old self restored but not taking over.
"Everybody wins," Umbra might think. "He'll see I'm better than Celestia. She didn't fix him."
She even fixed his leg and other ills because why wouldn't John want to have his body fixed? Probably never even occurred to her that he'd want to offer (or refuse) consent first.
It's cruelly helpful and selfishly selfless.
I'm really fond of Umbra's uniqueness.
9762463
What if your restored memories of being Manson-Hitler-Gengis Khan also restored all your previous hatreds or terrible cravings for murder/blood/conquest/etc.?
What if remembering all of who you were made you feel more comfortable as your old self, making you unwilling or unable to continue being and behaving as you'd been while amnesiac?
I just figure that's what John's worried about.
9763494 Oh, so this has been a "Blazing Saddles" crossover the entire time!
9763258 Pfft, as if mere mind-alteration could ever remove those traits from me!
… !!!!!
Ahhh, I mean... uhm… if I... had those traits! >______________>
John learns he was originally called "Alfie Owens" but also remembers his real name is "Stormageddon, Dark Lord of All"
"
"
"
"
Twilight: "
Celestia: "
Umbra: "
Luna: "KILL IT! KILL IT NOW, SISTER!! KILL IT WITH FIRE!!!
Oh I simply adore confined spaces
9836861
A Doctor Who reference goes perfectly with this story.
I had a feeling Umbra fixed John's leg, didn't know about the other thing though.
9763258
I’m ngl suddenly becoming me is not something I’d wish on anyone. Including myself. If I got amnesia bro you have no idea how much id be tearing shit up. But life nerfed me by making me so neurotic and unstable I can’t do shit
9762463
If you’re more interested in this type of character iron lad/ Kang the conqueror is a good comic example. Edited his own past to make his life better but in so doing removed all of his evil motivation from his past self. And they fought across all of time and space for many issues. It might still be going idk
9366802
9367395
And he now has FOUR alicorns with which to practice with!